This is where I came from, a hidden valley …..
Chapter 1
I fell. But if not for the snow, I would have broken my knees and bled.
Then I looked up and Thank God I saw a Christmas tree right in front of me. Standing tall, the lights on the tree gave me a wink. “They blink so beautifully,” I thought to myself.
It was dark, and I could see that the kitchen light in the house was still on. I walked further towards the house. And then I saw a woman cutting on the chopping board.
“Give me the carrot 🥕 “ I yelled.
She looked at me, but she ignored me and she continued to use her knife to chop on the board. I wanted to snatch the knife away from her.
Chapter 2
I still remember what Harry used to say to me, “show me the in-out situation,” and I would fumble for my wallet and start to count the cash. Yes, I am still withdrawing money from the cash machine. This is getting old fashion I know. And I am also running somewhat low in my bank account now.
“This is terrible,” I said to myself, crawling out from the snow.
I could see the car parked at the driveway. It is a large car, I don’t know the make. I decided to use my walking stick to help me go up to see the number plate. This has been my habit. Whenever I see a car, I want to read it by the number plate. It’s like looking for the DNA of a man or the IMEI of a phone. It’s *#06#。
Why? I can’t drive. And I don’t want to confuse one car for another. Car number S7049 was too familiar to me.
But then I realised that this car was a little far from me. When I was falling, I tried to use my walking stick to support myself, by then it had become a liability, that was why I had tried to discard it in the first place, and that was how I fell down.
I was too excited when I saw the snow. It was white, and colour so pure that I grabbed at it. I started to make one snowball after another. And I rolled them bigger and bigger. From the small ones, I combined them into larger ones, and then once I saw that it was large enough I called it a medium, after medium I put it aside, and I started to roll smaller snowballs again.
When the medium snowballs are formed I put them aside and I started the same procedure, medium to large. After the lower trunk was formed, which is an extra-large, I went around to the back to examine it, forgetting that another pair of hands was helping me to do the task.
All in all I made a large and a very large. The very large I call it the stomach and the smaller large I call it the head.
And now, after the body and the head, and before I could look around for someone to help me stack the head onto the stomach, I heard the sound of an engine start. Of course I needed to lay the body on the ground first before I could put the upper torso on.
It took me almost a day. And I had forgotten about the time by then.
Chapter 3
I am fifty-three this year. And I had come here all the way to London to visit my mother once again. I arrived in the morning. No one picked me up at the airport.
The next day I went back to the garden to look for the snowman, when I realised that he did not have shoes.
Where can I find shoes for him? I asked.
The best place is of course a shoe shop. But I am still unfamiliar in this town, and I don’t know my whereabouts so well yet.
I tried to recall my memory. Before I came in, my intent was to find a bench where I could sit down and rest my tired feet.
Of course I am used to the hot climate city of Singapore that I had forgotten that the London snow would have covered up the entire grounds, the driveway to the car porch, as well as the front yard, and the rest of the grass and the muddy grounds, as well as the garden with the bench.
When I came in, I saw several pairs of beige shoes at the entrance to the house. There was still snow on some of the shoes. And they are all in 核色 the beige. Why does this owner like beige? It is a nuke colour we call it. Are they all her shoes? And then my eyes narrowed when I saw a pair of beautiful shoes. In those days I have not seen a pair like that. They are sharp and pointed. Almost like a wedding dress it has a nice bow on top of the shoe. The bow was tied with gold and embossed. I picked up one, and then I saw that it had a signature on it – Ferragamo. What fonts the maker use I don’t know.
Wow! Such a nice pair! 👠
And then I heard a woman shout, “idiot!!”
I knew immediately that she was angry. With what I do not know. Perhaps she was baking a cake, or washing up after breakfast. So I decided to go round to the back to the kitchen. But by then I had lost my way. I went round and round the house, with my pair of rubber shoes soaking wet.
Of course I picked up the pair of beige shoes when I got up. You cannot call it steal. I did not steal. I merely borrowed it for a while, when I meet her in person I will hand it back to her personally.
Finally I found her at the kitchen, cutting carrots as usual.
I decided to intervene.
Chapter 4
Afterwards I saw an open door. It was wooden, and I could hear the water flush. This must be the toilet, I told myself. Automatically I walked in. And I saw aにんぎゅ(doll)。It was placed on top of the WC bowl. And a plant was next to it. The name of the plant I do not know.
That brings me back to my teen childhood days.
I had a biology teacher. He was cute. A middle aged man, slightly plum, he used to come in with his face half-swollen and a puffed-up eye, he would plonk himself right in front of us on the wooden chair, and then he would say, 今天是自由活动, meaning that today is “free and easy”, just like the travel agency marketing their tours.
What shall I do? I have landed myself in the toilet now, with no urge to ease myself, and a にんぎゅin front of me, a plant and myself. The toilet was clean, and there was no fowl smell that one usually finds in the toilet. Such a nice place. Is this a real toilet? Then I saw the toilet bowl. So, these are all decoration. I picked up the toilet seat cover, and I flipped it open.
OMG! OMG!
I saw blood.
What?! Has murder been committed in this house???
Chapter 5
To find out if murder has been committed, you must pick a victim. And it must have been the woman that I saw at the window yesterday.
Oh, she was chopping the carrot, that must have been the woman that was killed.
So if she were dead, what did the assassin do with her body afterwards? How did he dispose of her? In the backyard? In the toilet? Oh yeah, that must be it. I saw blood inside the WC bowl.
A clever person would have fled from the scene by now. But I knew that I could not abandon the nice snowman that I have made. I had fallen for my own creation and efforts, especially when he is near completion. Oh, I was too impatient. I went to look for shoes before I had wrapped a scarf round his neck.
I went back to the snowman.
And I began to recall my biology. The lower trunk comprises the abdominal area below the rib cage, the lower back and the pelvis. And as I was recalling, I picked up more snow and rolled them all into one.
Now, there you are, you are a proper snowman now!
“What name do you want to give me?” He asked.
“Snowman of course!” I yelled at the top of my voice.
Come to think of it? What do snowman eat?
Oh yeah, I forgot to give him eyes 👀
Yay!!! I hear a group of children laugh. And then I recalled those Charismatic sessions. They had a song, “wherever there are children singing, laughing …… there will I be,” I looked around, and I saw not a single person.
Ok, these are just imaginary noises.
Of course I know that I hear voices. Voices appear when there is no one around, and where your thoughts are talking to you. They do not disturb me now. And I am quite happy sitting in the snow. By which time, my entire body had been soaking wet. But now I could see my walking stick. It is sticking out, part of it visible, and the other half submerged in the snow.
I was happy that I found my tool. But then the shoes are no longer with me.
Heck the shoes! The word Ferragamo appeared in my brains. And then Hermes, followed by numerous names they call it. All I took was a pair of nice beige shoes. Where are my own shoes? Are they still with me?
Now the snowman is talking to me.
“I love you,” he said.
I can’t help but start to talk to him.
“You know that she is dead, right?” The snowman said to me. And then as I was talking I stood up, using my brute strength, and the biology lessons I learnt before on how to get up from a squatting position.
“Never mind, narcissist!” I started to get angry with myself. “Shall I leave this place now?” “Was a body disposed at the toilet?” I spoke loudly, and to the snowman’s amazement, he smiled, and then the carrot in his mouth dropped out.
Oh the carrot is there! That means that the woman I saw at the kitchen must have put the carrot into his mouth. She didn’t place it properly so therefore it was unsteady and she must have adjusted my walking stick as well.
I see no reason why she could not adjust the walking stick. But she shouldn’t touch the snowman. He is my creation and everything that happened in this house is entirely my making since I walked in.
OMG! Does this make me the killer???
All men are assumed innocent until proven guilty.
I could have just admitted to guilt, but I honestly did not kill her. The God the true one and only one God, who exits outside the realm of this universe, would have known what to do with the sinner, who violated the sixth commandment. But is it a sin to wish an old woman dead when she was going to be expiring very soon?
My memory brought me back into the True Jesus Church to pray again. At the time even before I walked in, I heard laughter, so I left very quickly. And as I walked further down the road, I found another church called the Singapore Bible College.
I went there in 2006 as I was told that the entire road is called the holy ground. As in, anyone who stands there are standing on holy ground, because several churches are standing there.
I looked down, and I found myself standing in the snow. “It is so fluffy,” I said to myself. This is exactly the spot I was 15 years ago, and this is the ground where I stood. Mother had a bench here before in her garden, and I used to come here, sit on the bench and prayed. To me this is the holy ground.
I am not guilty of course. But how can I go ahead to prove that?
I found the shoes again and I took it and placed it in the shoe cabinet at the entrance. This wasn’t mother’s shoes for sure. I couldn’t throw it away even though it could incriminate me. But I couldn’t resist the bow. I couldn’t throw away something as beautiful as that. And then I left and flown back home to Singapore.
Chapter 6
If not because the man and I had a chinwag over coffee, I would not have taken a flight here to London. He brought the shoes back to Singapore to meet me.
“Do you recognise this pair of shoes?” Harry asked.
“How did you know that I picked up the pair of shoes?”
“Your fingerprints.” Man replied, looking me straight in the eye.
“But that doesn’t say that I am the murderer.” I argued.
“You said it, Daisy Chan.” Harry laughed.
And then he continued talking, “Listen. No one here is accusing you of any crime. As a matter of fact, the cause of death is hypothermia.”
I thought of the extra pair of hands that was helping me to make the snowman …… so, it wasn’t my imagination ……
“Yes, due to her dementia, she could not find her way back to the house, they found her body collapsed in the snow. It has been frozen for at least four days.” Harry explained.
I gasped. Took a deep breath then said, “I am not responsible for that … I had no idea she was there …”
“Don’t be too keen to deny liability, woman, no one said that you put her up to it, in fact, she had a suicide note.”
“Suicide?! You mean she deliberately froze herself to death??!!”
“No, I didn’t say that. But that note exonerates you considerably,” the man said.
“Harry, can I read the content of the suicide note?” I was eager.
“It is an exhibit. You may not. But I can tell you that she was terribly unhappy, dating back to 2016, ten years ago. She mentioned that she was extremely lonely, and that you no longer cared for her or visited her …” the man was beginning to preach.
“No! I went back regularly, almost every winter!” I protested.
“Then that must be the dementia, perhaps she couldn’t recognise you …”
“I am sure of that. You can check my passport.” I began vehemently.
“Anyway, the house is yours now, what do you want to do with it? It is difficult to sell a house where someone has been found dead inside.” Harry was curious.
“I am not selling. The snowman is inside!”
Chapter 7
I arrived in London late at night. Careful not to disturb the peace that was in the house, I took my shoes off at the porch. The car was still at the driveway, and it is the same car. But this time I didn’t see any shoes. They have all been cleared away.
The snowman wasn’t there anymore.
Spring has come and it is now summer. By now I have come to realise that things do not last forever. My relationship with the snowman only lasted that winter, that winter when mother was still alive. She was here with me, yet I neglected her. She wanted more of me, yet I felt it cumbersome to give her more of my time.
I felt isolated in that big house without mother and the snowman now. I had come here to create another him. Of course I can make another snowman. But that it won’t be the same. The first was always the one that we treasured.
I went around the house to look for the woman who was chopping the carrot. Of course she wasn’t there anymore. Julie Millie had left, departed together with mother.
Yes, the woman I stumbled upon at the kitchen window was merely Julie Millie. Mother liked carrots and Julie would cut carrots for her at every meal. I don’t know why she liked carrots so much, was only told that it was good for the eyes.
I couldn’t let mother go. I had returned hoping to find her here again.
With a heavy foot and unsteady steps, I walked around the house, several rounds, and finally found myself in front of a toilet. “This must be the toilet where he had disposed of Julie’s body,” I told myself.
I hesitated to go in, but then I needed to recall what had happened – the afterwards. The にんぎゅ was still there. They say that every time after you had killed someone, you make a doll to appease the soul. The toilet smelt fresh as though someone had sprayed a layer of freshener over the entire space.
I remembered the blood that I saw. The toilet bowl was now flipped open, and nothing was inside. Who had cleaned it away? Was it the police?
In any case, mother was dead. Whether she was murdered or she died of hypothermia is of no consequence to me now. If she were murdered the killer wasn’t me.
Chapter 8
Harry and I met at the Weekly Wine Bar again.
“Is this pair of shoes yours?” The moment he saw me he said.
“Er … put it down, let me see if I can fit into it … ” I said.
Harry lay the shoes on the floor, pointing at it, he said, “try it on.”
“I would have thrown them away, and bought a new pair. Why do I still keep old shoes when I had outgrown it?” I continued.
“But there you are, they are my shoes!” I protested.
“After such a long time, how could you still fit into it?” Harry was surprised.
“So, that means that I was there alone with mother right?” I was relieved.
Chapter 9
In that house, I was the first one to discover blood. Apart from the woman who appeared fleetingly, how many people are residing in this house no one knows.
I thought about the beautiful eyes that my mother used to have, they were large, crystal big, but sharp, she didn’t cry even when her mother was passing away. Of course at ninety-nine she would have left with no trace of sadness or regret.
I had a terrible time during my mother’s last days.
Towards the end of her life, she would shout at me and tell me that it was a spiritual warfare. Whom she was fighting against I had no idea, and the names of characters in the Bible was thrown at me like pebbles and stones you find on the ground.
So I wanted to throw the snowballs.
Chapter 10
I picked them up, and I rolled them again, and then at palm size, I started to throw them at random, first in front, then to the left and right, and then I did a throwback. Flash! My memory came back. The scene of mother sitting in front of the snowman came flooding back to me, flushing my eyes with tears.
Why did you kill me? She asked.
“You took my time, mother,” I started to speak. Alone in the snow, with no one around.
“And if I didn’t do it, you will never die.” I continued.
“But who told you to do so?” she asked, “that must have been Satan, right?” blatantly I replied.
“Who is Satan?” suddenly she asked, waking up.
“I thought you read the Bible? Don’t you know that there is such a character by the name of Satan?” I replied.
“Oh yes, I forgot,” she said.
“How can you forget such a simple thing, mother?” I pleaded for her to regain her memory.
“Now, what time do you want to go to sleep?” I asked.
“When God tells me to sleep I will sleep,” mother got angry.
This is hilarious. I thought to myself.
“Do you know who asked me to ask you o sleep?” I became angry at the same time.
“God, of course,” meekly she replied.
“You know there is God right?” I spoke again.
The voice: she took too much of your time.
Chapter 11
A domino effect, the leaves from the tree fell all at once, simultaneously and consecutively, I decided to take out my jacket and throw it on the snow. It was still cold, but I felt no chill, the speed of the wind no longer disturbed me. So elated that I fell to the ground. I saw a swirl, and with one bended knee I got up. I stood right in front of the tree, and I said, “You have been here all my life, and I ignored you.
The tree said to me, “it’s ok child, I told you not to eat the apple from the tree, but I realised that due to the centre of gravity it fell down,” “and you picked it up on time.”
“But, but, apples don’t grow on trees in this town … ” followed by, “and this is winter … “
The tree said, “I told you not to argue!!!”
I bow and said, “Thank you Your Honour,” and exited myself.
But in this cold winter, where can I go?
This tree survived the cold and freezing temperatures due to a lack of water. Deciduous trees shed leaves to conserve energy and prevent dehydration, while evergreen trees maintain their green foliage needles, using a natural antifreeze in their sap to stay hydrated.
I thought about the past. Shouting within the house is bad, so was shouting to a dying woman. But was she my mother? No, she wasn’t. She had changed into a completely different person after her dementia set in.
From a nice, young, benevolent mother, she became a monster. And I had to get rid of the monster in my house. In my system, in the realm of things, I knew it was God who told me to act. Time was up for the both of us, and for everyone who was on the same page with her.
A new chapter has begun.
Chapter 12
The sun came up again this morning, as usual. He sat at the same place.
“I told you she was bad luck,” I heard.
I asked him, “this is not the last supper right?”
“Of course not, you silly,” he retorted.
“And then who really killed my mother? My grandmother and my great-grandmother?”
“The job was done by Lucifer, as usual.” The Almighty replied.
“And who ordered it,” stupidly I asked.
“Satan of course.”
“So is the doctor Satan?”
Your guess is as good as mine.
And what about the voices I sometimes hear, my thoughts that tells me that … “you had killed Julie Millie … “
But now I hear God’s voice … the old thoughts I would summarise them as … the devil’s voice.
I looked up, and I saw a plane leaving the country. Harry had left London.
Goodbye Satan, try not to send Lucifer into my house again. I whispered.
I drifted to the rest of the house and found myself in the middle of the library. I call it the library because mother had kept almost three thousand books in here. She had read that many in her lifetime, although perhaps not all of the titles you find in the bookshelves were read by her.
And then I moved to the left to the shelf furthest. I pulled the stacking ladder to the shelf, then I climbed two steps up. I took out two books from the middle and retrieved another book hidden inside, and there was the book that I was looking for. The title was “Alone Again Today”. I opened the book and found the letter inside.
I thought about destroying this letter again. But something compelled me to read its contents one more time. It is damn damaging:
“I, Kimberly Tan Mee Chin, hereby devise and bequeath my property this house, at 103 Billy Road, postal code 11535, as well as my entire estate, to Julie Millie social security number 408921, at her disposal as she pleases. This is to reward her for looking after me faithfully for the last twenty years. Signed.”
It was written in mother’s handwriting.
“The police should never find this letter.” I told myself. Then I put it back where it was, since this was a safe hiding place. They had not found it when they came in.
I saw Mother’s will that day when I went out to make the snowman. She had asked to come with me, and I allowed her to. But later on, when it was getting cold, I had left the garden and went into the house to get some dinner. Julie Millie always prepared dinner for mother.
Yes, I was very disturbed by the letter. It could be construed and be used as a will. I was so disturbed that I forgot to fetch mother back to the house for dinner that night. And it was that night that she was frozen to death in the snow, beside the snowman.
It is summer now, mother had died, and there was no trace of the snowman. No one could accuse me of killing mother. As her only offspring, her estate was automatically left to me, provided she had not made a will to hand down otherwise.
Now, I had already done probate and inherited every penny that she had, including her favourite flower jar and her sewing machine.
What was left unravelled, was Julie Millie.
Julie Millie had vanished, and nobody knew where she went. I prayed every night before I slept that Julie Millie’s body will never be found. If anyone would know, Harry should be the one who would know Julie Millie’s whereabouts. But I am not going to tell you why I know that he knows, for nothing would be achieved by telling you the truth.
I can only say that mother was old, and frail, and that she had lost her mind. No one saw Julie Millie in her house, as mother had kept a low profile. The neighbours didn’t even know that she had a housemaid. And I, a faithful and filial daughter, who visited her every winter through to spring, of course I am entitled to her entire estate.
Summer passed and Autumn came, I watched the leaves turned golden brown, then waited for the wintry cold to brow them onto the ground. Life has become boring without having mother in the house. When she was here, I always had to attend to her needs, and I was tired of it. But now I wish that there was something to tire me, like putting a log in the fireplace, like watching her cook and then telling her to be careful of the fire. I missed bossing mother around.
Suddenly I heard a group of children singing the Christmas carols. “Silent night, silent night, 🎶 🎶 …… “
I waited for the noise to come near. And then I saw them. A group of boys led by a taller one came to the door by the side of the garden. Before he rang the bell I went up to them.
“Sing another song for me,” I asked.
“Of course,” he said.
Then without him asking, I said, “ you may let me know what you want for reward,”
“Hey thanks! May I buy this pile of brown leaves from you?” Pointing to the corner at the far end of the garden.
I looked at the leaves, only then did I realised that I had forgotten to collect them and put them into trash. What would the boys want a pile of brown leaves for? Heck! This is not your problem. The voice in my head came back and spoke. And then, one of the boys said, “you are aunty Julie Millie, aren’t you?”
Startled, I took one step backwards, and then before anyone of them caught hold of the truth, I quickly replied, “Oh yes, of course, I am she.”
My secret is safe with me.
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