I need to shrink in order to get into my house ….

Chapter 1

I saw the shoes. 

There was nothing unusual about the shoes, or shoes in general. But there was one thing that struck me. The shoes were arranged in a very neat manner, one lined on top of the other, the black sandals on top, the black shoes in the middle, then the black slippers on the last shelve at the bottom of the rack. It was perhaps too neat. 

If someone had just come in from outside, it would be just casually placed, not directly one above the other. After all the shoe rack could store more than one pairs on one rack. It gave me a creepy feeling. But I was not sure if it were unwarranted. 

There was always a rack at the front door. You should have a rack. Every house has a shoe rack at their front door. It’s meant for putting shoes. 

The owner of the house has a very clean habit. If you accidentally walked in with your shoes, he would reprimand you straight away. 

Chapter 2

Denise was late for lunch as usual. I didn’t mind her being late, I was just afraid that she won’t turn up. But she did. 

The first thing she said to me was, 

“My husband Charles is having an affair,” 

I was shock. How could Denise have known? 

Of course, I replied diplomatically, 

“I am sorry to hear that,” 

“You still seeing him?” Denise asked. 

“What do you mean, Denise?” I was careful to answer correctly. This concerned my reputation. 

“I know all about you and him,” Denise said. 

“There was nothing about me and your husband,” I was careful to refer to Charles as her husband. 

“You think I don’t know?!” she was adamant. 

I became worried, I quickly reminded Denise that I was a Christian, 

“You know I won’t do such a thing – I am a Catholic,” I said. 

“So now you admit – such a thing – what thing you know right?!” 

I was stuck for a while, but I composed myself. 

So the minute I saw the waitress standing by the side, I quickly caught her attention, 

“Please give me an Earl Grey,” I said. 

“And a Chamomile tea for me,” Denise didn’t forget to order from the waitress at the same time. 

“Milk and sugar are by the side,” the pleasant looking girl said. 

We waited for tea to arrive before we resumed conversation. The silence was awful. Denise started to engage herself on her handphone. I too started engaging mine. In the end when the tea arrived, we had nothing more to say to each other. 

Chapter 3

I first met Charles on a hot and sultry evening. But the fact that the weather was hot had nothing to do with the events that unfolded subsequently. The impression I got of Charles was that he was rightly sized, meaning that he was not too thin and not too fat, and having enough muscles to support his frame. He had a mole under his chin, which unless he tilted his face upwards, was not visible. I saw it by chance, when he was looking up at the big portrait of myself hung on the wall. 

“What a large picture of yourself you got there,” he said. 

“That was taken within the last six months, still valid,” I said. 

“You are a narcissist,” he lamented. 

“No, I am not,” I denied the description. 

At this juncture Denise chipped in, 

“Where did you get this done? I mean, which studio was it?” 

I kept quiet, I didn’t want Denise and Charles to know too much about myself. 

Denise and Charles were my close friends, and my best friends. But I didn’t know Charles at all. Charles was Denise’s husband, and unless you knew Denise, you won’t know Charles. 

“Let’s all go out for food,” I said, after having shown them my apartment. 

Chapter 4

I was generally not fond of having a relationship with a married man. It put me in competition with another woman straight away and in violation of the Woman’s Charter, not to mention the Bible. 

But I was not a staunch Catholic, I did not hold the view that Mother Mary was the only way to communicate with God. God, in His omnipotent form, must surely be contactable from all platforms, including Buddhism and Islamism. 

Tonight, after dinner I went straight into my room to write my affidavit. My new client had just met with an accident. And she was sure that the driver was paid off and the entire scene premeditated. I hesitated to comment. She wanted to sue the driver and I needed more time to establish a casual-ink between the mens rea and the actus rea.

The phone rang. An unknown caller. 

I picked it up. 

“Who’s this?” I asked. 

“Pretty woman, this is me, Charles,” 

“Oh ok, what do you want?” I wasn’t rude, and if you could hear the tone of my voice, I was actually quite friendly. 

“Listen, I was just wondering if you would like a cup of tea?” Charles asked. 

“I’d rather a glass of wine,” I accepted the invitation without fully realizing why I said what I said. I didn’t actually fancy Charles. In the first place, I found using the name Charles presented a pompous character, as that name actually belonged to the Prince of Wales. 

“OK then, I swing round at 3:00 p.m. tomorrow, see you!” all in one breath and without further reply from me he put down the phone. I actually stopped thinking for a while. 

After he hung up, I quickly picked up my phone again, tapped on Phone then quickly on Recents, selected the top on the list, and tapped again to save the number. On my Contacts I keyed in Charles name.

Chapter 5

One thing good about being single was that you never have to account for your time, and whom you went out with. You could just hop onto a bus and walked into a café whenever you fancied. So that when Charles asked me to share a meal with him, I complied immediately, although I didn’t know the agenda then. 

Charles and I have nothing in common except Denise, so naturally when we met, we talked about nothing but Denise. It seemed that Charles met her when they were at a Christian fellowship meeting. Denise was crazy about Jesus, which got Charles excited. He told himself he must get Denise out of this craze, so he set himself up to compete with the saviour. The fact was that he himself was looped into Christianity as well, and he ended up marrying the woman. Of course, Denise had some good looks to accompany the set up. 

So that as soon as the excitement of matrimony was over, Charles found himself wondering how he could extricate himself out of the trinity. He knew that getting involved with another woman was a sure way to trigger off a divorce, and I being a lawyer might be able to furnish him with some useful tips. 

I heard Charles. So, I offered my solution, supplying Charles with the grounds for divorce: 

“Adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion, you pick one. Otherwise you would have to wait three years, and during these three years, you have to make sure that you stay away from her completely.” I warned Charles. 

“I can’t wait three years,” he said. 

“Then you would just have to pick one of the above options,” I told Charles very frankly. 

“Wait!” Charles said. 

“What?” I said. 

“I have another option,” he looked me straight in the eye. 

I looked at him, and he sounded very earnest. 

“What if Denise ceased to exist?” he lowered his voice. 

“How can she not exist? Suicide is a crime. She is not contemplating to kill herself?” 

“No, I mean, I could help her with it,” 

“Huh?” I was getting confused there …. 

“Abetment to suicide is a crime, although suicide may not be a crime anymore. We are contemplating decriminalizing suicide.” I put it to Charles.

“I’ll have to hire a contractor then.” Charles sounded like he already knew what to do. 

“It is a dangerous thing to do, the spouse is always the chief suspect,” I cautioned Charles. 

“I just don’t want to be controlled by her anymore. She is quoting from the Bible all the time! 😂” Charles gave me the tearful look telling me that that was the real reason why he wanted to leave Denise. 

I began to feel sorry for the man. 

By the time we finished our meal, I had more or less made up my mind to help Charles. 

Chapter 6

I had not been married before, so naturally if I had an affair with Charles it concerned no one but my own reputation. I was ruthless, cheap, and treacherous. But if you asked me, matters of the heart were just between the parties concerned. Who actually initiated it? Was there reciprocity from the other party? 

In the beginning I was actually unsure of Charles, but I guessed deep down I wanted the relationship. It would be good if I could have a default companion, a driver, a bread winner, a cook, all rolled into one. I knew that the Bible did not permit this. It was clearly stated in the old testament … of course the new testament overruled it when the Son of God appeared. I thought of seeing a priest for confession and counselling. But I remembered the penance – several rounds of the beads and sometimes an hour in front of the Statue of Mary … quite a task! 

So, I sought the easy way out. I went to the Buddhist Temple. You could go in on any day of the week and at any time of the day. The Buddha permitted polygamy. It was one of the customs deeply entrenched in the Chinese culture. I knew that Buddha won’t mind if I went ahead and cohabited with Charles, so I went to Him for advice. 

When I arrived at the Temple, I saw masses of people, some with flowers and some merely holding joss sticks. The entire place was bubbly and not far away I could see a fortune teller on standby for anyone who wished to look into the future. 

I ignored the lady selling the flowers and I went straight up to the table with joss sticks. The sign on top said, “free” so I picked a random few. I found the furnace and held the joss sticks on top of the fire until they were smoking. Then I squeezed in amongst the crowd until I found a spot where no one was blocking me to the front, where a huge image of the Guan Yin was situated. 

And then I knelt down and talked to Guan Yin.

I had not made up my mind, yet. So that my petition was ambiguous. It was just a general vague idea on should I or should not. I stayed there for quite some time until I heard someone saying, “yes”. Satisfied, I got up, but immediately I heard another person saying, “no”. I became a little confused, the answer was neither here nor there. I told myself I must come back again to ascertain the correct answer. Then I took a bold step and walked out of the temple, away from the masses of worshippers. Afterwards I took a long time before I found my shoes again. 

Chapter 7

Charles bought me a gold wedding band today. 

He came to my office and asked if he could see me in my conference room. I was a little surprised, but I obliged him. My conference room has a round table and a large sofa. 

“Put it on,” he said, sounding very excited. 

The ring was thick with gold and the band had diamonds embossed around it. I looked at it and was immediately alarmed. “This is a wedding band,” I told myself, and although I wasn’t planning on getting married in the near foreseeable future, Charles was good looking by my standards. Marrying Charles was a fantasy, not a prospect. 

I looked at the ring, wondering how I could ascertain his sincerity. And I still wanted to help him. So, I took the gold band from Charles, put it on and started to admire it. 

“Let’s do it another day,” I pretended that I wasn’t interested, and then, 

“By the way, how much did it cost you?” I could not contain my curiosity. It looked very expensive. 

The man kept quiet, and then he made a startling proposal. 

“Would you mind going to the Registry with me?” 

“Registry? What registry? … you mean the ROM?” I quizzed with unbelievable excitement. 

“Pardon me, Candice,” Charles began to sound desperate and he was beginning to look like a bad guy. We adjourned to the sofa. 

Our eyes locked, and as Charles stretched out his hand to hold mine, his eyes never leaving my gaze, I asked him, 

“How long have you been wanting this?” 

“Since the day I met you, Candice …. You are the most attractive woman I’ve ever met ….” 

“How deceitful!” I laughed as I thrust the full weight of my body onto his chest. Charles began to unbutton himself …. 

….. 

Afterwards I sat on the floor wondering if it were tragedy or comedy. 

It was common for a heart to long and yearn for something better. It was not inconceivable for me to fall for Charles. The husband of my best friend. They said that your best friend was always your best enemy – so why not?

Chapter 8

I took a bus from my home to the office this morning. And was quite relieved to find a seat next to three school children. On the bus I found a Filipina lady speaking loudly into her handphone during the entire journey. She had the entire bus as her audience. I was very disgusted with her behaviour, yet I could not confront her. None of us understood Tagalog! 

When the bus dropped me off at the Sundance Road, I took the stairs up the three-storey walk-up apartment. It took me about thirteen steps before I reached the landing and another thirteen to the first storey. On the landing to the second storey where my office was there was an unwanted computer on the shelf, with lose wire hanging. The shelf itself was still usable but the whole image suddenly annoyed me. 

I knew that it belonged to the occupants on the third storey, and I didn’t know what prompted me to take a picture of the furniture, but I just did. Then I proceeded to walk up the stairs right up to my office. It was an effort, but I managed to do so without slowing down and pausing for rest. 

Chapter 9

When I arrived at the office, I had a new client waiting for me. His name was Bryan Chong. 

The first thing he told me was, that he had ten million dollars in his account. I never knew how he got it and why he got so much. If he divorced his wife Allison Lim, she would stand to gain half of it. 

Over the past three years, they managed to acquire a dog and two cars. Bryan told me that one day Allison served him a plate of beef steak on a dog bowl to pick a fight with him. I laughed when I heard that. 

“She does have a sense of humour,” I said. 

Bryan’s face changed. I quickly apologized. 

“It’s rather mean, of her, treating you like a dog,” I changed my stand. And then, 

“So, did you eat the piece of steak?” I was interested to find out. 

“Of course not, you think I am a dog?!” Bryan’s eyes rolled big like a pair of fish eyes. 

“Sorry!” I said, “I didn’t mean to insult you … just couldn’t help myself.” 

I quickly picked up the phone and called my secretary Poh Choo Ling in to give my client another cup of coffee. 

Chapter 10

Someone had removed the computer and I was glad. The mysterious junk remover did not leave a trace. I walked into the space where the PC used to occupy and I felt a sense of exhilaration, and then I heard footsteps coming down. I quickly walked down the stairs, turned right and disappeared into one of the coffee shops along the lane, asking for another coffee and waited until at least half an hour had elapsed before I went back to my office again. 

This time I walked up the stairs to the third storey without pausing for rest. 

I saw the shoes again. 

Who was occupying this space? I asked myself. 

Chapter 11

“I told you she has another boyfriend!” a male voice shouted. 

I heard footsteps hurrying down the stairs. And then again, 

“You don’t believe me … you go and ask her! She is two-timing you!!” the voice was louder this time. 

This was the first time I had seen him. 

I have never seen someone as dishevelled as that before. His was wearing a t-shirt three sizes too large, so that it was long and hung loose. It was also very crumpled and obviously not ironed. Together with his three-quarter length trousers, and without footwear, the man stood at the top of the staircase. I saw his beard and blood shot eyes, reminding me of no one but the latest image of Julian Assange. 

We looked at each other and instinct told me not to greet him. I quickly retreated back into my own office. I shut the office door immediately and thank God Poh Choo Ling was in. She could act as my bodyguard and witness should the man attempted to harass me. It was not yet 5:30 p.m. so we could not close for the day. But he did not come in. 

Chapter 12

Since I saw the pair of shoes the other day, I never went up again. 

Occasionally I heard footsteps of someone descending and ascending the steps, loud enough to interrupt my thoughts. I always wondered what kind of shoes he was wearing, whether it was the same court shoes that I saw on the shelves. I told myself I would find out one day. But for now, it was best not to confront the occupant and his visitors. 

Lunch time, I walked down the slope to the coffee house along the narrow lane to buy some fried noodles and Korean pickles. I carried the doggie bag and took my time to stroll back to the office, not yet feeling hungry. Coffee I made myself using just hot boiling water with the 3-in-1 sachets. My secretary Poh Choo Ling was still in the office, I could hear the sound of her typing on her computer. 

Life was monotonous. I looked at the gold band which Charles gave me and twirled it around my finger, wondering if I should wear it when I meet Denise. 

Chapter 13

I finally plucked up the courage to call Denise. Charles hasn’t contacted me since that night. Could it be a one-night stand? The gold band was making me feel very uncomfortable. I couldn’t wash my hands without taking it off. By now Charles would have looked for me if he were genuinely interested in me. Neither did Denise pick up my calls. Was she available? Has she made up with Charles? 

Suspense was no good for the soul. I arrived at the house that Denise and Charles lived. I could see a Lexus parked in the drive way, indicating that either one of them was at home. 

I pushed open the front gate and was surprised that it wasn’t locked. With a certain amount of hesitation, I walked up to the entrance, and rang the doorbell. A woman in pinafore came out to greet me. 

“Sir and Ma’am are not at home,” she said. 

“The car is here.” I replied, “she must be telling lies,” I told myself. 

“Tell Ma’am that Candice has come to look for Mr. and Mrs. Chan,” suggesting that I was no stranger to put her off guard. I emphasized the word “Candice” fearing that she could not recognize my name. The woman sounded like she came from Indonesia. 

Chapter 14

It has been a while since I saw Aunty Bee. Aunty Bee was Dr Wee Siew Bee the famous gynaecologist. I wasn’t planning on telling her about Charles, but I just wanted some decent conversation. Dr Wee was my guardian since I was in secondary school, and although I was now old enough not to depend on her for advice since I could make up my own mind about things, I did meet up with her from time to time. 

She was busy with a patient at the time I dropped by so she only squeezed me in for three minutes. All she said was, 

“Don’t forget to do your yearly medical test,” 

I was free at the time, so I decided to do it on the spot. I took off the gold band, it was getting tighter as I had put on some weight. 

As I sat down meekly waiting for my blood sample to be taken, I watched with amazement how nurse Ling poked the large needle into my veins with ease and proficiency. Then I turned my head away when I saw the bottle with my blood filled, labelled with my identity number and name. I felt quite relieved as I was sure that I was healthy and that the test results would prove negative for all the markings. 

At the same time, I also gave nurse Ling my urine sample. 

And then I did not forget to have coffee at the café located inside the hospital. 

Chapter 15

Bryan Chong was known to have a bad temper. The affidavit on the other side said so. But according to Bryan himself, his wife was always the one who precipitated the quarrels. There was more than one dog incident. I read the affidavit with interest as though I were reading a novel. 

But between the two of them I had to side Bryan. 

In the end I rang Bryan and asked him to come to the office. 

“Listen, your ex-wife said that you strangled her, was it true?” 

“No such thing!” he proclaimed. 

“In fact, she hit me several times on my birthday,” Bryan added. 

“So, she hit you. Does the fact that it happened on your birthday has anything to do with it?” I asked. 

“Sure,” he continued, 

“She complained that I often pretended that she was my mother, so that as a mother she had every right to hit her son.” 

That logic was strange. Or was its Bryan’s own reasoning? Never mind, I shall counter claim that Allison was out of her mind. 

I went to my PC and I started to type, forgetting that Bryan Chong was sitting right in front of me. By the time I finished typing, he had already left. I tidied up my desk, packed my bag, and changed out of my slippers. As I walked out of my office, I realized that upstairs had not come down at all today. This time I was not inclined to climb up to see if the shoes were still there.

Chapter 16

Sometimes when you were in love you yourself didn’t even know it. You just wanted to see the person all the time, you were talking to yourself more as you were actually talking internally with that person. 

I didn’t know that I was actually in love with Charles until he was gone. Common sense told me that Charles would not call me anymore. He had not spoken to me since the night we spent together. 

I had no idea if he and Denise were back together. After from the one-night stand, the gold band was hard evidence of his betrayal to Denise. I took it off every now and then to soak it in hot water to clean it. But one day I found myself standing right in front of Denise’s house again. 

The silver Lexus was no longer parked in the driveway when I arrived. Nevertheless, I rang the doorbell. 

A woman with coiffured hair, complete with a pair of large diamond earrings opened the door. She greeted me with impatience, 

“Yes?” she said, clearly indicating that there was no reason for me to be there. 

She was obviously not a maid. I could guess that she was the new owner of the property and that Denise and Charles have left the premises. 

“You know Denise? I mean Charles …” I said tentatively. 

“Oh, that couple, they left long ago,” she replied with a sigh. And then she added, 

“You by any chance know their whereabouts?” 

“Obviously not, else I won’t be here,” I said. 

I wanted to go in, but the woman held the door firmly half closed. I couldn’t even peep inside. And then I heard a man shouting from inside, “Celia, who’s at the door?” 

BANG! The woman slammed the door tight on me. I stood at the entrance, wondering if I could make a police report on her extremely rude behaviour. In the end, I left without incurring more trouble for myself. 

I took off the gold band and threw it away inside my bag. I told myself I had lost Charles for good. 

All signs were clear now, pointing to one conclusion, that Charles had made up with his wife, and had decided to drop me. I thought he really liked me. I stood in the darkness, with no one to call for help. I had abandoned the Christian God, now I wondered if Guan Yin could help me. 

I walked out of the gate, away from the house and then on the pavement I knelt down and cried, not caring if anyone saw me. 

It was past 10:00 p.m. The entire place was so silent I could hear my own weeping and my own thoughts were loud in the still of the night. 

I took out my iPhone, still having Charles number with me, I wanted to call him. I also wanted to call Denise. I wanted to call someone, to tell him that I had been cheated. But in actual fact I had cheated on my best friend. So, there was nothing I could say. I wasn’t an innocent party I was the mean, wicked woman who slept with a married man. 

After some time, when I heard the sound of a car passing by, I wanted to jump onto the main road to let a passing car hit me. But then no one was going to come to my rescue, it also occurred to me that I might not die just like this. I could land myself on a wheelchair, half paralyzed, which was worse. 

As my rational mind started to work, I told myself I needed to get some food to eat and get some rest to sober up myself. Wake up! This is not the end of the world! Charles is a nobody! I needed to straighten my thoughts. I mustn’t let this take control over me. I still have my clients to attend to and I still have a job to do. 

Chapter 17

The air was cool and fresh after a pouring rain. 

When I arrived at my office, Bryan Chong was already in the conference room. 

“Hello Mr. Chong.” I didn’t forget that he was my client and that I shouldn’t be addressing him in first names. 

“Yes, I wanted to know if I could register with you that Allison was no longer living at home,” 

“That’s wonderful news!” I said. “That makes our job easier,” I said, “so that now you can rely on the three-year separation, and during this time you could do whatever you want, except to initiate a contact with your ex-wife.” I mentioned it all in one breath. 

I expected my client to look happy, but on the contrary, he asked me, “what shall I do with Valentino, that’s her dog.” 

“So, you have no idea where she has gone to,” I queried. 

“Nope,” my client said, “I don’t even know if she is still in the country.” 

“Ok, then you could put your pet with the veterinarian and wait for her to come back and claim it. She couldn’t have packed everything?” I was sure. 

And I added, “in any case, it best you don’t see her at all, if you want to have the divorce run smoothly.” 

Chapter 18

If you didn’t look before you crossed the road, I didn’t blame you. But not when you were Bryan Chong about to be granted a divorce. 

I almost shouted at Bryan when I saw him at the hospital with one leg completely bandaged and propped up. 

“What do you think you are doing?” I said. 

“If you died, Allison would receive every cent that you got, without having to go through the formality of a divorce!” I emphasized, not to mention that I would lose my legal fees. 

“I want to tell you, the accident was planned,” Bryan said, almost in a whisper. 

I heard him, but I didn’t take him seriously. 

“I will check with the traffic police on this,” I said. 

“They won’t believe me,” Bryan said. 

“The fact that you were divorcing her only contributes to the motive, but how can you prove that Allison hired someone to knock you down?” I cautioned. 

“I swear I was using the zebra crossing …” Bryan said. 

“Well, we’ll have to see the police report.” I said. 

“But now that we are here, on this topic of inheritance, why don’t you do a will?” I punctuated. That seemed like a good suggestion, and appropriate at this juncture. 

“Well, now that you have mentioned, don’t say I didn’t think of it before …” thank God Bryan agreed. 

I took out my handphone, tapped on the App called Voice Memos and then I had it right up to Bryan’s chin, ready for a recording. 

“So, tell me, what are the assets you have, in terms of fixed assets such as properties you owned, as well as deposits, bonds and equities etc. you hold under your name.” I began the paragraph for Bryan. 

“I thought I have given it all to you when you wanted the list of matrimonial properties?” Bryan was unwilling to waste his time. In any case, I think he was in some kind of pain. He must be, bandaged up like that. 

“Ok, then let me just draft the will for you, and you can sign it tomorrow.” 

“So soon?” Bryan was a little unsure. 

“The sooner the better, I don’t want you to suddenly die of a heart attack, it could be very troublesome for me.” I lamented. 

Chapter 19

From the St Peter’s Hospital, I took a Grab straight back to my office. I opened my laptop and began working on the will. I didn’t even realize that I haven’t eaten, and I drafted the will in one breath without taking a break. The will was of the utmost importance. If Bryan died now, the beneficiary would stand to gain approximately ten million dollars, thus becoming a rich man by anyone’s standard. 

And for this purpose, I ensured that no one got the money except his solicitor – myself! 

On the column where I was supposed to write my name, I did a blank space, and tomorrow I shall get Bryan the testator to sign on the document on the next page. If he noticed the omission, I would just tell him that all the paper works were in order and that we could fill it up later.

Chapter 20

Now that I was the beneficiary to Bryan Chong’s estate, he need not be divorced. Things would get complicated if he did. I also ensured that I was not a witness to his will. But fact was, I might not obtain probate as I was merely the solicitor acting for him, and not related by blood. Although it was not uncommon for this to happen, I decided that I must make the bequeath more plausible. I needed to advertise the fact that Bryan and I were getting married if not already so. 

I took out Charles’ gold band and put it on again, this time I was going to pretend that it was Bryan Chong who gave it to me. 

It was not too difficult. My secretary Poh Choo Ling was the first one to remark, 

“What a nice ring you have! So many diamonds!” 

“Of course, Bryan gave it to me!” I quickly said. 

“The two of you are engaged?!” Poh Choo Ling was surprised. 

“No, err, actually we were married.’, and then as an afterthought, “last Christmas,” I supplied the date as well. 

“Congratulations!” Ms Poh said loudly. 

And then the next person to whom I declared my marital status was actually the waiter at the Marriot Court, surprisingly and not so surprisingly. 

“Where is your other half? Alone?” the bright looking man said. 

I did not usually talk to strangers, but this time I said, 

“My husband Bryan Chong is busy,” for some reason I did not want to mention the fact that Bryan was in the hospital, but I did not fail to name him as the spouse. Although since my spouse were ill, I shouldn’t be enjoying a meal outside at a posh restaurant. 

Finally, I looked into my WhatsApp conversations to see if I could text anyone else on my so-called marriage, well aware that this was a rather unique way of declaring a union, although not totally inconceivable. 

And all this while, Bryan was still lying in the hospital room, waiting for the doctor to decide if he was fit to be transferred to the normal ward. Of course, I prayed. I knew that if I wanted Bryan to die, it would not strictly be murder. It was mens rea per se. But in any case, Guan Yin was more benevolent, she was bound to pardon worshippers like me and more inclined to answer to it. I was at the temple every evening after visiting Bryan at the ICU, the intensity of my prayers depending on the doctor’s report. 

Finally, God answered my prayers. 

Bryan Chong Wee Chin died of multiple fractures at the St Peter’s Hospital. 

I arranged for the body to be brought back to his residence, held mass gatherings for his soul, and subsequently for his body to be buried according to the Catholic rites. The best part of the story was that in the process I found out that Bryan and Allison were never legally married. The two of them were only married in the Catholic Church, which meant that Bryan Chong need not have gone to court to divorce Allison. 

Chapter 21

But I have Bryan Chong’s will here with me. The fact that he quarrelled with his wife is now public knowledge. If he lived, he would have divorced his wife in any case, even if that meant being a poorer man. So then, it would not be totally inconceivable that the rich man had bequeathed his entire estate to his trusted solicitor and confidant at the time of his divorce. The fact that he died soon after was purely coincidental and not manufactured. 

The will, signed sealed and delivered, was a good documentary proof of my client Bryan Chong’s clear and unequivocal intentions at the time. I had no difficulty obtaining probate and the only problem I have now is to sell his asset the property which he shared with Allison. I went back to the house and surprisingly I saw Allison there. My first reaction was, 

“I thought you moved out sometime ago?” I said. 

“I challenge you to call the police,” the hostile woman sitting on the sofa said. 

“I am not moving in until this Sunday, I am just here to see if the house is vacant. Obviously, it is not!” 

“How dare you take my money!” the woman became enraged, she jumped up from the sofa, and I could see that she was holding a knife. 

I had no one with me, neither was I trained in martial arts, I knew not how to defend myself, except to run out of the place as fast as I could …. 

Chapter 22

In the morning still recovering from last night’s scare, I told my secretary Poh Choo Ling to get a locksmith to go to Number 6 Lemongrass Avenue to change the lock to the house. The best thing to do now was to sell Lemongrass Avenue since it was dangerous grounds. Allison might appear at the house to scare me again. 

But I received an unsolicited call at noon. Dr Bee’s clinic had rung me. A nurse who identified herself as from Dr Bee’s clinic told me to go to the clinic urgently. 

“Congratulations!” the first thing Dr Bee said when I sat in front of her in the small and cosy consultation room. 

“You are three months pregnant. You didn’t tell me you were married?!” Dr Bee reproached me. 

I was flabbergasted. How could it be? 

Of course, I knew who the father of the child was. 

It could not have been mistaken for anyone else but Charles. 

But regretfully my relationship with Charles had ended. I was supposed to be the widow of the late Bryan Chong! 

“Err, … “, I said, tentatively. 

And then without a further word I stood up and walked out on Dr Bee. I had to concoct a better story this time. How did I prove that the child I was carrying belonged to Bryan Chong and not Charles??? 

Again, I found myself in front of Guan Yin. This time I bought a large bouquet of flowers to present to the Lady Buddha. Overnight the Lady Buddha had become my best friend. 

Chapter 23

Some things were best forgotten even before they began. By now I have gotten over the bitterness and pain of losing Charles. All I wished was that no one would discover that I was bearing Charles’ baby. Of course, I wanted the baby. Abortion was out of the question. In any case Dr Bee would not hear of it. And I was not so sure that I could find a doctor to do the hideous job for me. 

But one thing for sure. If Charles returned to my life now, I would not take him back. Of course, I had manifested my intentions to Guan Yin. But as fate would have it, Guan Yin decided to play a trick on me. 

Charles rang me on November fourteenth. It was precisely this day three months ago that Charles slept with me. And I actually didn’t want to pick up his call. But he rang again and again, until I realized that he won’t stop at this before I finally pick up his call. 

“I am just passing by, could I come up to your office?” Charles said. He didn’t even bother to buy me a cup of coffee. Meeting at my office premises meant that he need not spend a cent. 

“Where have you been?” I said. 

“So, are you really married?” Charles asked. 

We both fired the questions at once. 

“Hey! You are still wearing the ring that I gave you!” Charles remarked, sounding quite surprised.

“No, this is a different ring.” I insisted, thinking hard on how to disclaim any past associations. 

At the same time, I was fully aware that Poh Choo Ling was sitting outside and that she could hear every word that were being said between us. 

“Are you still with Denise?” I asked, the most crucial piece of information. 

“Yeah, of course,” Charles said nonchalantly, which meant that the unhappiness in their marriage he complained of was merely meant to deceive me into spending the night with him. 

I got my answer now, and in any case, I have his baby. I would have a new life to look forward to. With all that money that Bryan left behind for me, I could bring up the child myself. 

Now having met Charles my curiosity had been fed. I need not even mention the night that I almost killed myself. 

“If there was nothing else, I need to prepare for some cases. I have a big client coming in to see me tomorrow,” I was so darn cool. Bravo! 

Chapter 24

It was not easy to sell Lemongrass Avenue. Not in this economic climate. The government had imposed some cooling measures which dampened the property market. But that was not the reason why I could not sell my property. 

There was a caveat being lodged. Someone had made a prior claim to the piece of land. 

And you need not second guess. It was none other than Allison Lim. Bryan Chong left his entire fortune to me, she was merely his common law wife. There was no bigamy as Allison wasn’t legally married to Bryan. Although the Catholic Church regarded Allison as Bryan Chong’s wife, I was the mother of his unborn child, so that even if I were not legally married to Bryan, I had a higher claim on behalf of my unborn child. 

An unborn can inherit provided that he would have come into consideration by the testator as an heir. 

I swore on oath that Bryan knew about my pregnancy. 

But I refused to swear on the Bible for if I followed the Catholic theology, I would have to recognize the union between Bryan Chong and Allison Lim. 

Chapter 25

My child was born on August thirty-first. 

I registered him at the Births and Deaths Department within the week and named him Frank. I had no difficulty declaring his family name as Chong since the mother was always the only person who knew who the father was. 

No one said I was lying, no one knew I was lying. 

I was the mother. I was supposed to give my child a good life. If I had told others that Charles Chan was my son’s father, he would be the illegitimate child of a poor man. If Frank wasn’t the son of Bryan Chong, I might not stand to inherit the estate, since there was no clear recordings of my union with the deceased. The will was contested by Allison Lim and if not because of Frank I might not have gotten probate so easily. 

Chapter 26

After I have settled my late husband’s affairs, I acquired his large sum of money. When you have enough money and less worries, you tended to have more leisurely time to want to know who your neighbours were. 

So, this morning when I arrived at my office on the second storey, I continued to walk up to the third storey. When I arrived at the door, I was not surprised to find the same set of shoes there. 

I wanted to knock before I went in. But the door opened itself. “Assange” was just standing at the doorway about to come out. 

“Welcome!” he said loudly, the moment he saw me. 

I stepped in. 

“Wait! Take off your shoes first,” he said. 

“Err, sorry for disturbing, I was just wondering ….” I spoke softly. 

“No need to be shy, lady!” the man was so cheerful I thought he had struck lottery. 

“I am a fortune teller, lady. And I run a small business up here.” He talked as though I were one of his regular guests. 

“Let me show you something,” he ushered me to his bureau, the only furniture visible in the living room. I was sure he must have other furniture inside his other room. 

I surveyed the scene. I could see several copper statutes of Buddhism characters belonging to the Chinese relics, sizes ranging from small to large and large to medium, scattered all over the room, with no interior designing purpose. They looked like the owner had dug them out from an abandoned grave. 

The man opened his drawer and fished out his mobile. 

“I thought you might be interested … “, he began proudly. 

“… this was a video recording I took one night … I think it was on November fourteenth … if I were not mistaken … just look at the lady … don’t you think she was gorgeous?” 

I swore I was going to die! 

It was the video recording of Charles and myself on the sofa at my office. The lights were on at the time and the images were as clear as Adam and Eve in broad daylight. I felt faint … 

“I am sure you would want it back, lady!” the bastard sounded more than cheerful. 

I wanted to slap him. I wanted to plunge a knife into his chest. Voyeuristic behaviour is an offence!!! 

But I knew, and the bastard also knew that this video clip would expose me, it would be evidence of me lying under oath that Frank was Bryan Chong’s son. Even if Bryan’s DNA could not be taken now since he was dead for the purpose of proving paternity, Charles the real father was alive. 

I also knew that even if “Assange” surrendered the video clip to me, he might still have copies in his possession. One could never be sure of the words of a blackmailer. 

I spent the rest of my life supporting my son, and a man sitting on top of my office on the third storey … 

Money is the root of all evil.

Couldn’t help the bear hug ….

Chapter 1

Nobody knows what you do in the dark, unless you tell them. 

From the witness stand I could see her sitting in the public gallery. She looked slightly different from when I last met her. Her hair was black, in fact blacker than when I remembered it to be, which made it looked faked. She also had this bright red lipstick. The colour of her dress paled in comparison to her lip colour. I wanted to greet her, but I told myself I had better not. 

She was with her husband. The man’s shirt was half ironed – I said half because only some parts were creased, which made it looked untidy altogether. A shining gold pen stood out from his breast pocket, and he seemed to be worried that it might fall off anytime, as he kept using his right hand to check if it was still tucked in his shirt. 

Although it was rude to look at another person so closely all the time, I couldn’t help but noticed her watch. It was expensive, something like the Chanel watch that I saw on the large posters at expensive malls. I could still remember the last occasion when she was wearing that watch. 

Chapter 2

The relationship between the advertising agency and the press was a complicated one, and hard to manoeuvre. The publishing company needed the revenue generated by the advertisements placed by the advertisers in their newspapers, and hence was under their payroll. Income generated by selling its core product meaning the newspapers was minimal. One advertisement in a full page could come up to thirty thousand dollars and colour advertisements were more than double the price. 

But at the same time, the advertisers needed to adhere to some rules and guidelines before their copies could be put to print. They were governed by a code of practice. For example, you couldn’t put the picture of a naked woman in your advertisement. And all medicinal products must be accompanied by an approval number from the relevant health authorities. But they allowed women in underwear if that underwear were products they sold. I guess you must have a logic to the punch line. 

I was a witness to this phenomenon. It was like telling your boss what to do. As the administrative executive in the advertising department, I was placed at the receiving end to handle this conflict. Being in charge of deciding if to accept a piece of material for placement in the newspaper for the next day’s publication, my head was on the chopping board. If anything went wrong, I was to be blamed, and the only one to be blamed. Nobody wanted the job and I took it as I was desperate for a job. I wanted to work in the publishing company. Our News Daily was the largest print media in the country. 

But as time went by, I realized that either way I was wrong. Mrs Jenny Chee my boss didn’t like me, and she was my immediate supervisor. The problem was that I didn’t know why she didn’t like me. I was obedient and hardworking. I arrived at my desk at 8:00 a.m. half an hour before the day started, and I was the last one to leave, and usually the one who switched off all the office lights. 

Chapter 3

This morning I woke up feeling more tired than usual, but I managed to put on some makeup, and arrived at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to grab my Americano. The outlet opened at 7:30 a.m. and I was there at 7:30 a.m. Only one attendant was there but there was no queue. The man standing behind me was more impatient than me, tapping his foot on the floor. I ignored him, and continued with my purpose, which was to get to the office on time. 

The traffic lights were slow, and I waited a good five minutes for the green man, avoiding the urge to cross the road when the cars were slow, and managing to stop myself from swearing at the traffic. 

When I arrived at the office, Jenny was already in her room. She usually came in after 9:00 a.m. much later than me. I could see her through the glass panel from my desk. The office arrangement was such that we did not face each other directly. Her door was open, and that was a little unusual, as she normally shut her door tight. Then I saw Alan Fong going in. Minutes later when I looked again, Jenny was on the phone. 

A nice Christmas tree with a bell and a bright red bow a Christmas dangling was hanging in front of her door. 

Chapter 4

The advertising industry was huge. Advertisers ranged from liquor sellers, educational institutions, down to a bereaved family wanting to inform others about their loss. Each day I received about three to four hundred negatives on my table. They were either in a set of three – the color prints magenta yellow and cyan or just the plain black and white. I put them high up against the light and scrutinized them to find out if they conformed to the set of rules which advertisements must follow. In particular they must not show a naked woman. 

It was hard work. Negatives were hard to see, as you have to figure out that the dark parts were actually going to be white and that the light parts were actually black when it came out. I have problems checking if a cleavage was too low or a word used was offensive to the public. And better if they had no words. Advertisements I liked were those where the picture was large and without too many words to go through. 

Today I was confronted with this large set of negatives. They were bulky and I have to manually detach them into three pieces to read. I held them up against the ceiling, the light was fluorescent, and I found myself trying to scrutinize the perfume bottle that the woman in the picture was holding. There were some words there, and it was tiny. I couldn’t tell what they were. I decided to ignore it, and I put a check against the piece of paper that accompanied the set of negatives. I told myself that if I could not see it, then no one else would be able to see the print on the newspaper. The check with my initials was meant for the printing department to let them know that the negatives have gone through my hand and that its contents have been approved.

Chapter 5

Tonight, after I had turned off the lights, on the way out of the office to the lift lobby, an idea came to me: 

Why don’t you take away the Christmas bell dangling in front of Jenny’s office door? 

It was a thought, a temptation difficult to resist. Jenny had been very nasty to me – she always lectured me for more than half an hour, thus taking up a lot of my precious time with the negatives. I couldn’t help but to think that she did it on purpose. 

I decided to walk back to the office, and I found myself right in front of Jenny’s door. Nobody knows what you do in the dark unless you tell them. I told myself. I became bolder. I lifted my hand, and I tugged at the dangling, then I gave it a pull! The Christmas bell came off the hook, giving a light tingling charm. I saw it fall to the marble floor, and I quickly picked it up. Then I walked towards the main door. Oh, but the security guard might see me with it. I wanted to put it in my bag. But I have no reason to bring the stuff home. Hey! I am not a thief. So, I thought about throwing it into the waste basket near Damien’s desk. But then hold it, Damien might recognise that it was Jenny’s article and surrender it back to Jenny. Then an alarm would be raised as to who left the article in his basket. I was always the last one to leave, so that the natural conclusion would be that the culprit was me! 

At this moment I heard some noise. I quickly went back to my desk and pretended that I haven’t left for the day. I sat down, hid the bell in one of my drawers. And after a good fifteen minutes, when I was sure that no one was actually in the office, I decided to walk to the main door again to leave. All of a sudden, the lights went off. The entire place was in pitch darkness. And then I thought I heard some noises. A flurry of horror images came to my mind. Was the office haunted? My logical mind told me to leave the premises at once, but curiosity told me to investigate. I’ve always liked Sherlock Holms and Agatha Christie; I followed the noises and I arrived at Li Meng Hwa’s room. Mr Li was the head of the department his door was always shut. From outside I could hear the voices coming from the inside …. 

“Dear, how was your day today?” unmistakably Mr Li’s voice. 

“I managed to speak to Johnson today,” it was Jenny’s! 

“Don’t bet on it, Johnson has the habit of going back on his words,” Mr Li said. 

“… full page, continuous run for two weeks … imagine the profit margin, and not to mention the fifty thousand that will come our way … hahaha … “I could hear Mr Li’s laughter, shrill in the still of the night. 

“Are you sure she won’t have discovered the offensive words?” Mr Li said.

“Don’t worry. She is as blind as a bat!” Jenny reassured him. The she I guessed must have been referring to me. Immediately I thought of the perfume advertisement. 

“By the way darling, I am two weeks late,” I heard Jenny said. 

“What! OMG! Are you sure?” Mr Li sounded shocked, not one of surprise. 

“Have you gone for a check-up?” further down he asked. 

“Yup, appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon, I have already taken time off,” 

“Let me know the result.” Mr Li was earnest. 

And then I thought I heard the sound of someone walking towards the door, before the guy opened the door, I quickly ran away, as fast as I could, to the main lobby. The lights were now on but I swore that I wasn’t the one who turned it on. At the lobby the lift was coincidentally waiting on the thirteenth floor. I went in and commanded the lift to take me down to the first floor as fast as I could. 

By which time I had crossed the twelve o’clock deadline for the normal taxi fare. They charged double the fare after midnight. My taxi fares were beginning to cost more than my salary. 

Chapter 6

The next morning, I arrived at the office early at 8:00 a.m. as usual. Damien who was seated at the front near the entrance and exit was reading the newspapers as usual. I greeted him, but he did not notice me. I continued to walk to my desk, hoping that the rest of the staff would notice that I was early. Jenny’s door was still shut, obviously the Christmas bell was no longer hanging at her door. 

I walked to my desk as usual, carefully holding the cup of Americano in my hand, making sure that it did not spill. The desk was already half occupied with several sets of negatives. I placed the cup by the side table, where I had placed three photo frames of myself – one with my mother, one of myself, and one when I was in Hong Kong for a shorty holiday with Victor. Looking at these photographs always made me happier. I knew that Jenny wasn’t in yet, as her room was still dark. My secretary Siew Eng was also not in yet. 

When Jenny came in, she at once signalled me to go in to see her. I knew straight away that it was the set of negatives with the perfume bottle. I prepared my explanation on why I let it through. 

“Did you see the words on the perfume bottle that the girl was holding?” Jenny held up the newspapers to show me. 

“The words are very small, no one could have read it,” I said. 

“So, that means that you saw,” Jenny concluded. 

“I couldn’t read it myself,” I tried to defend myself. 

“But you are wrong. Everyone saw it. Look.” She held out the page with the advertisement to show me. 

“It says: for sex. You know what that means?” Jenny looked me straight in the eye. 

“I, err …. ” I stumbled on my words. 

“But the girl had clothes on,” I ventured to explain. 

Fact was that I was too tired, and too lazy to scrutinise the words, that was why I gave a tick. I lowered my head, waiting for Jenny to reprimand me. And I thought to myself, that this would be at least another forty-five minutes, if she didn’t give me the sack. 

In the end, thank God that Jenny let me off the hook. 

“No repeats for this advertisement,” she gave her final order. And that was it. I knew that it had something to do with the conversation I overheard the other night regarding a Johnson. 

Chapter 7

I had a boyfriend before. His name was Victor Lau. He was generous, kind and compassionate. Victor also had a queer sense of humour and he always made me laugh. We were very happy together. Each day after class he would pick me up in his car from my old office at Mandy Road. We would sit at the Burger King and I would recount the experiences of the day. I couldn’t care if he were actually interested in my tales. One day, …. 

“Hey Lynette, could you vet this first, I have to send this to the production department immediately,” Alan came by and sounded urgent. I did not know why I had to do him the favour, but I did. It was just an advertisement for some slimming products. Nothing controversial. 

Alan Fong was middle aged, and he has a moustache which reminded me a little of Charlie Chaplin. I quite liked him, and I thought that he liked me too, but not in a romantic way. Punctually at 3:30 p.m. he would bring me a cup of coffee from the canteen downstairs. I never failed to thank him. But then I thought that by vetting the copies for him on the spot was good enough a favour. A coffee for a quick approval! 

Things have been going on without a hitch for three consecutive days. No one complained about me and Jenny had not been giving me the one-hour lecture since Monday. I silently prayed that the good season would last me through to the weekend. And then it’s dinner at Auntie Catherine’s place again. 

Auntie Catherine was my mother’s best friend. She sorts of took over the looking after of me after mom passed away. The only regret mom had was that I couldn’t seem to find a life partner before she died. Maybe because I was too choosy. But if you asked me, I was waiting for Victor. I wanted to establish beyond reasonable doubt that he was dead before I found someone else. Although the fact that someone did not see you anymore did not necessarily mean that he was deceased. 

You did not talk to a person anymore because either you thought that he was bad company for you, that he wished you ill, or that he might ask you for a favour that you could not give.

Chapter 8

I didn’t think that Alan Fong was interested in me in any way. Apart from getting me to do instant vetting of his clients’ copy material, he hardly talked to me even though he sat opposite me. Alan was in charge of pagination. He usually buried his face in the newspapers, and I thought that that was rather unsociable of him. At 5:30 p.m. sharp, he would pack up his stuff and head straight for the main lobby, dropping by my desk to say, “take care”. I quite envy his position in the company. His job was secure as he had been working for Our News Daily for more than a decade. I didn’t think that anyone else could have done the job better than he. Jenny liked him, and she always sought him out for advice. 

Sometimes I felt that Alan was watching me from his desk. That made me a little uncomfortable, but I didn’t really mind it. As I said, Alan Fong was a married man, he couldn’t have been interested in me. The only problem I had with him was how to pay him back for the coffee that he brought for me each day. The coffee was inexpensive, it was just the favour that I needed to return. 

Over time, I found out that there were no hard and fast rules to advertising. I just had to use my own judgement to determine if a piece of material was suitable for publication or not. So long as it wasn’t too controversial, I would put my initials on it. 

However, then I ran the risk that one of the advertiser’s competitors calling Jenny the next day to complain to her that I shouldn’t have approved the advertisement. But whenever I told any advertiser to make amendments to his advertisement he would call Mr Li Meng Hwa directly to complain that either my attitude was poor or that I was being rude. Invariably I got the scolding. Life was tough.

Chapter 9

For reasons best known to myself, I arrived at the office earlier than Alan this morning. His desk was empty, unlike mine, which was always cluttered with negatives. I peeped at his mug. It had the words “I Miss You” embossed on it. I wondered if somebody gave it to him or he bought it himself. Then I walked to my own desk and began the day’s chores, which was to vet the negatives. I always started with the ones from the bottom as they arrived first. 

Even before Jenny came in, negatives were piled on top of my desk. I took a sip of the Americano and reluctantly switched on my brains. 

Half an hour later I heard some voices in the background, I recognised as Jenny talking to someone. As I turned around, I saw that she came in with Siew Eng. They were chatting animatedly. I hoped that Siew Eng had not said bad things about me, especially the way that I was slow in handling the negatives. 

“Good morning, Lynette,” Siew Eng greeted me. 

“Hi, morning,” I said. I never failed to reply to Siew Eng. 

“Already so many negatives,” I grumbled. 

“Not time yet, you could read the newspapers first,” her advice. 

I took out the Our News Daily and immediately flipped at it. My attention completely focused on the advertisements, hoping that none of the ones I vetted the day before had misrepresentations or offenses that escaped my notice, and that included any typographical errors. 

Jenny’s Christmas dangling was still in my drawer, but I had entirely forgotten about it. 

Chapter 10

Usually at 3:30 p.m. I took a breather. Most of the negatives would have been vetted, and I took my coffee break before the new ones arrived at my desk at 5:00 p.m., just in time to give me more work, thus preventing me from leaving the office at the official working hour. I was not saying that this was a conspiracy, but that this had become a natural phenonium. Of course, I wasn’t happy about it. 

I met Siew Eng in the toilet. One thing about Siew Eng was that she never failed to brush her teeth after lunch, which accounted for her sparkling white teeth. 

“Any chance on joining us for the Annual D & D this year?” Siew Eng asked, as though she already knew that I might not be going. 

“I hope it is not going to be on New Year’s Eve. That’s my birthday.” I said. 

“Wow! New Year Eve baby!” Siew Eng exclaimed with a note of envy. 

“You also get half day leave every year!” she added, quick in her calculations. 

“Not so good,” I said, “if I take leave, it would count for a full day leave,” and I made a sour face. 

And then we both continued with our separate tasks without another word. 

Chapter 11

I spent most of my time towards the end of spring 2005 to the early spring of 2006 reading the newspapers. In the mornings I read all the advertisements, and whenever I had time, I read all of the news articles. You could correctly say that I was in the newspapers business without reference to any of the publications, for I was given all of the advertisements by the company to vet, including the Malay language publication, contents of which I couldn’t fathom. I was beginning to think that it was a way in which the company was trying to get rid of me – by overloading me with work. 

And I also attended the company’s Annual Dinner & Dance, despite the fact that it fell on my birthday. 

By March 2006 I would have worked for the company for one year, and Jenny had been pregnant for five-months. I watched her tummy grow larger as the months went by, but nothing had been mentioned about the father of the baby. Everyone in the office assumed that the fatherhood belonged to Jenny’s husband Mr Chee. I was very disturbed about this. I knew the truth but that I couldn’t tell anyone about it. 

Chapter 12

I read the Bible from time to time, not as a habit but occasionally whenever I was short of reading material. 

Reading the Bible often enough would send you to the church, like if you liked Chinese food you would visit a Chinese restaurant. This Easter I found myself in a church. The church had marble flooring with a flower motif design. The colours were black and white, and the pews were made of timber wood. Many people were there, as it was almost full. An atmosphere of complete silence prevailed the entire setting, which I found deafening. Immediately I sensed that it was time to pray. So, I quickly bent down and made my petition, summarising my needs to a “let my intentions be granted”, without specifying what they were. I just wanted my life to be changed for the better. Squinting through negatives interpreting the films for twelve hours a day was definitely meaningless. Life must have a purpose.

I also knew that I couldn’t tell anyone about Jenny’s baby. I had no proof that the child wasn’t Mr Chee’s, and if I told anyone about what I overheard the other night, Jenny could sue me for defamation. 

After I made my petition, thus satisfied, I looked around at my fellow parishioners. They were well dressed but what surprised me was that they came in two or threesome. I thought to myself that surely worshipping was a matter between man and God, not a family gathering. Nonetheless I kept the question mark to myself. 

Chapter 13

Memories were a fragile thing. Once lost they could never be retrieved. That was why we have photographs – to capture the moment that memory might fail us. And so tonight, I took out my old photographs to rearrange them. Inevitably I found Victor in most of them. He was everywhere. We had spent the last six years together. In the swimsuit he looked quite exotic. Yes, Victor was dark skinned. He could have been mistaken for a non-Chinese. The fact that he adopted a Western name didn’t make his ethnic clearer. 

Today from the office I rang the telephone company during lunch hour. I dared not use the office time and in any case was too busy during office hours. 

“Hello, could you tell me who the subscriber to this telephone number 91191206 is?” 

“I am sorry ma’am, this is confidential information, we are not allowed to release,” 

“Even if I give you the reason?” I asked, and then continued, 

“ …. you see, I suspect that the subscriber is dead ….” 

“Madam, if that were the case, I would advise you to go to the police. We have no knowledge of the subscriber’s mortality status,” the woman on the other side of the line gave me a stern warning. 

And then she hung up on me. 

Well, at least he was still alive, for otherwise the line would have been given up, and the information would not be confidential. And didn’t the hotline officer say “if”? 

I made a sign of the cross and silently thanked God that Victor was still alive. At least seemed to be so. I did not go further than to ask the Almighty to make him come back to me. I knew that it was a matter between him and me, not something that even God could interfere in. 

Immediately after this, Alan came and placed another stack of negatives on my side table. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only 1:49 p.m. I cursed the man under my breath. I was not due to start work again until 2:00 p.m. 

Chapter 14

I went home after midnight as usual. The house was in pitch darkness when I arrived. Although I lived alone, I was never afraid of the darkness. This was a condominium there were security guards around. In any case, this was a safe country with low crime rates, criminals were more often than not apprehended without fail. Apart from that there was nothing worth in my house for anyone to steal, unless they want to cart away my Panasonic television. Apart from a second-hand Rolex watch and a few expensive Tiffany’s pendants, no thief would want to trouble himself to break in. 

I used the Google Nest Hub to turn on the music, calling for Armik “Piano Nights”. Once there was music I felt better. I allowed myself to be drowned in the music as I prepared to go to bed. I spent very little time at home even though the house was interior designed. This was done when Victor was around. He liked expensive things and since he was footing the designer’s bill, I had no objections. 

The next morning the first thing I did when I woke up was to look into my iPhone. No reply came from Victor, which was to be expected. I opened and deleted a message from a slimming studio which offered me a six-hundred-dollar voucher which was the last thing I needed. I was only 49 kg standing at 5 foot. I deleted this message at once and wondering if Victor also did the same whenever he saw my text. 

I would continue to text him until he replied. Or failing which, unless it was proven beyond reasonable doubt that the handphone number no longer belonged to Victor. But how could I know? How could I find out? 

Hey! I got a message! 

“I know that you stole something from Jenny” the text read.

The sender was from an unknown number.

Chapter 15

When I arrived at the office the next day, I saw that the … OMG! … the Christmas dangling was gone! Somebody had taken it! 

It must have been taken by the person who sent me the text. The same person found the article in my drawer and that was why he knew that I took it from Jenny. Who was he? Who could it be? 

Immediately I made a sign of the cross and went into a silent prayer. It was so haphazard that even I didn’t think that God knew what I was asking Him for. I was certainly in a frenzy. 

More negatives were piled at my table. I felt like calling it quits to take a day off to go home. I couldn’t stay in the office any longer. The police might come anytime. But then for such a small thing the police wouldn’t want to take it up. After all it could have been put into my drawer by mistake. Nobody knows what you do in the dark, unless you tell them. Yes, no one saw me taking the dangling the other night. Wait! There was someone. The person who turned off the power supply that night. It might not have been a power failure – the one who switched off the lights before I did at the office the other night. And all along I thought that it was a coincidence. Yes, it was deliberate. Now I have put a logic to the events the other night – someone saw me and turned off the lights to scare me, now he sent me the text to blackmail me. Yes! Blackmail! If he wanted to report me, he would have gone straight to Mr Li Meng Hwa, rather than alarming me over the phone. 

Now that I have set my brains to work, I felt much better. Relieved, I started on the negatives again. No need to take leave to go home. I could stay until midnight to finish my work. Now I already knew by heart which switches were for which set of lights. 

Chapter 16

I told myself I must engage in more meaningful activities other than this staring of negatives day in and day out. Negatives which were controversial and might pose a problem the advertisers would already have checked with the department head Jenny. I was there only as a scapegoat. And I called this “staring” as sometimes my mind drifted and I didn’t even know what I was looking at. They were all so dark and interpretations had to be made from dark to white and light to black. It wasn’t easy. 

The only thing that cheered me up was perhaps the coffee that Alan Fong brought me punctually at 3:30 p.m. He did this favour for me simply because he wanted me to approve his negatives for him. I wasn’t vain I knew my short comings. I have a weak constitution and I fell sick quite regularly often succumbing to the coughs and cold. A walk in the rain would instantly send me to the GP. No one except Victor would find me useful company. 

Chapter 17

I had only been in this room twice before. The first time was on my first day of work. I came in to see Mr Li Meng Hwa to sign for my employment contract, which would last me for two years, if I didn’t commit certain acts which would amount to a breach of contract. The contract also stipulated that I mustn’t be engaged in the same industry for the next two years after I left Our New Daily. I was also made to declare that I was physically and mentally fit to undergo the assignment. Of course, nowhere in the agreement stated that I could not be romantically involved or get married during the term of my employment. I glanced through the document without as much as a pause and quickly signed on it. I wanted the job and since it had now become available, I took the chance to quickly grabbed at it. Everything could happen next. 

The second time I entered Mr Li Meng Hwa’s room was on my first day. I came in to report to work, and I still remembered that I wore a bright red dress. That was my favourite colour. I did remember asking myself if the new boss Mr Li Meng Hwa would like it. But then I chuckled and told myself that it was going to be my work that mattered, not my wardrobe. 

So that today when Jenny sent word that Mr Li Meng Hwa was going to see me, I knew straight away that something significant was going to be happening. And judging from the fact that I overheard the conversation in his room the other night, I assumed that I was going in for a sack. Jenny let me of the hook, but the divisional head Mr Li did not. I quickly went into the ladies to freshen up, telling myself that if the company was going to dismiss me, I would give them a good long lasting impression. I knew that although my job performance wasn’t up to standard, I had done nothing seriously wrong. 

Mr Li Meng Hwa was nothing but all smiles. 

“Sit down,” he said. 

I pulled the chair out in front of Mr Li gingerly, preparing to say I quit at any moment. 

After clearing his throat, Mr Li said, 

“Based on your good performance I have spoken to the CEO, and he has agreed to offer you a promotion,” 

I was shocked, and stumbling on my words, I could only utter an “err …” 

Mr Li waved his hands, and added, “Don’t be too happy yet. The offer of promotion was for you to take on more responsibility. You would need to put in more hours, but that the salary would be twice of what you receive now.” 

I could see that it was an offer difficult to refuse. And that I must have been an idiot to say no. I nodded my head, and all I could say was “thank you”. 

Upon seeing this, Mr Li pushed a piece of paper towards me, and said “sign here,” I glanced at it, and could see that it was a new contract. I wanted to ask him if I could bring it home to study it first, but then realised that it would have been rude, and that I might miss my opportunity to the promotion if I did not take up the offer immediately. 

I grabbed the pen that Mr Li gave me and looked for the words Signature and I quickly signed on it. The document was in duplicate so that he returned me the other copy and told me to keep it. I left Mr Li’s office and went back to my desk a little flabbergasted, and then I sat down on my chair staring at the negatives. 

At 3:30 p.m. Alan placed the usual coffee on my desk. “A penny for your thoughts?” he said. 

I merely looked at him, without telling him about my promotion. I supposed that he would get to know it sooner or later, the company will announce it in the newsletter. I continued with my job until everyone had left the office, and as usual I was the one who switched off all the lights. This time I dare not turn back or even as much as attempt to hear if any noises were coming from Mr Li’s room.

Chapter 18

So that means that Li Meng Hwa and Jenny did not know that I overhead their conversation the other night. For if they did, why would they offer me a promotion? 

But money and position were never without consideration. If I gave you one thousand dollars today without specifying the purpose for such a handout, chances were that the request for favour might come, sooner or later. Then apart from keeping my mouth shut, what would be the consideration? 

I allowed the thought to haunt me for several months until Jenny finally gave birth to her baby. It turned out to be a girl. No wonder Li Meng Hwa did not file for paternity suit, for if it were a boy, he would have done so I was sure of that. 

The D & D this year was held in September at Jenny’s house to coincide with her baby shower. Jenny told us that she would only disclose the name of the baby at the house event. I told myself that she should not only keep this a secret but also the surname of the baby a secret too. 

Chapter 19

I took an instant liking to the house the moment I stepped in. The rug that greeted me was a nice white fur in the shape of a lamb. A vase with a red rose stood quietly on a small table stand. I told myself that I must not break the vase at all costs. Jenny would sack me immediately even if I did it out of carelessness. Some Jazz music was playing in the background and I knew that the other guests had arrived. 

A lizard jumped out from nowhere and landed himself on my feet. I gave a loud screech and then someone gave a tenacious grip on my arm. I turned around and saw that it was Li Meng Hwa. 

“Shouldn’t you be with the guest?” I said. 

“Why should I be? I am also a guest,” he replied. 

How treacherous! The father of the baby! I thought to myself. I think it’s about time I gave him a lesson. I decided to be frank. And for no reason I became very bold. 

“You are the father, isn’t it?” I proclaimed. 

“Oh, whatever makes you think so?” Li Meng Hwa smiled at me with a kind of grin that made me want to slap him, dispute the fact that he was paying me my salary. I liked the truth. As far as I remembered I never told a lie before. The Bible said that an honest answer was a kiss on the lips. 

“I heard you two the other night,” I said. 

“You are confusing me, lady,” Li Meng Hwa said, “which night?” 

I looked at him, unable to recall which day it was that I overheard the conversation. 

“Let me get rid of the lizard for you,” Li Meng Hwa gave his kind offer. 

“Don’t touch me! You lousy man!!” I shouted at him. 

I think he didn’t expect this, and he almost fell bending backwards. 

At this juncture, Jenny came out from somewhere inside her house. She must have come from the kitchen, for an apron was still wrapped around her waist. 

“What happened?” first thing she asked. 

“No issue, Jenny, I was just trying to get rid of the lizard for Lynette,” 

“So sorry for the scare,” Jenny said, and she quickly pulled me inside, a sparkling Chanel watch on her wrist glared at me. This must have been a gift from the father of the baby, either Mr Chee or Li Meng Hwa. 

Throughout high tea, I kept wondering if I had made a mistake, by confronting Li Meng Hwa like that. I told myself I had lost my job for good, and that I had better hand in my resignation letter first thing on Monday morning. 

Chapter 20

I prepared my letter of resignation in haste. My PC at home was an outdated model with a very old version of the Windows. I had neglected my PC simply because I was so busy at work and coming back home late at night. 

When I arrived at the office early in the morning, I saw that Damien hasn’t come in yet. 

I quickly walked to my desk, afraid that I have to explain on why I came in so early. 

Once I sat down, I took away the photo frames on my desk and put them inside my shopping bag. Then I took one sip of the Americano which I picked up this morning and prepared to hand in my letter of resignation. My only concern now was whether I should hand it to Jenny or to Li Meng Hwa. Jenny was my immediate boss, but Li was the one that I offended. 

As usual Siew Eng came in at 8:30 a.m., followed by Alan Fong. 

“Good morning Lynette,” both of them greeted me at the same time. 

“Where are your photo frames?” Siew Eng asked. 

I couldn’t offer any explanation, so I pulled one negative towards me, and I pretended to look at it. 

“Another long day,” Siew Eng said. 

“Yup Monday blues …, ” reluctantly I added. 

I had almost forgotten that Jenny had taken leave for the month, following the birth of her baby. So that now I reported directly to Li Meng Hwa. And frankly speaking I really loath that. The door to Li Meng Hwa’s room was always shut. I could not tell from the outside if he had come in for the day or not. 

I made three trips to his secretary Elaine’s desk outside his office. And I was turned down three times. Finally, Elaine rang me on the internal line, and said, “Mr Li is free to see you now, but make it fast.” 

The office was large. I had not described this to you before. A large water colour of Monet was hung in front of him. You won’t be able to see it unless you were walking out from his room. I liked it the first time I saw it. 

“You have something to tell me? Lynette?” Mr Li asked even before I had a chance to sit down. 

“Yes, I want to give you my letter.” I said, in a tentative tone. At the back of my mind I was hoping that he would pardon me for that night and tell me to retrieve the letter. 

Mr Li opened the envelope and took out the letter which said, 

“Dear Sir 

I would like to tender my resignation with Our News Daily with immediate effect. And I thank you for the opportunity to work at the company for the past eighteen months. My resignation is with regrets for personal reasons. 

Best regards 

Lynette Sim (Ms)” 

“So that’s it? You think that you can walk out on me, thinking that nothing had happened before?” Mr Li’s voice was clear and unequivocal. 

“Err, …. ” I was lost for words. “I thought, … I thought that you didn’t want me anymore, I had offended you the other day,” I muttered, as soft as a church mouse. 

“The events that happened at Jenny’s house has nothing to do with your performance here. As far as I am concerned, you are hardworking, and … I thought I had promoted you?” 

“Sure, Sir,” I swallowed a bit of my saliva. And then I stretched out my hand to retrieve the letter from Mr Li. I gave him a grateful look and then I stood up to walk away from his desk, not forgetting to appraise the piece of Monet on his wall. 

Outside, negatives had piled up mountain high.

Chapter 21

It was easy to forget the past, but not easy to forgive someone. 

Victor was still at large, and I had been praying non-stop for his manifestation, i.e. to either reply to my messages or to let me know if he was still alive. Of course, if he were dead, he won’t be able to tell me. I had no official relationship with him, and under the law had no legal right to demand his whereabouts. For all I knew he could have been married to another woman by now. 

“I Miss You” – the mug from Alan Fong came to my desk. I saw it and simply brought it back to Alan and left it there. He must have accidentally put it there. After all our desks are quite close to each other. 

Then at 3:30 p.m., my usual coffee from Alan arrived at my desk. I was too busy to tell him that he misplaced his mug earlier this morning. My head was buried in the negatives throughout. It was not until 5:00 p.m. that I had a chance to take a break by going to the toilet. 

And I almost forgot to mention that since Jenny gave birth to her second child the baby girl, she was in a much better mood, and no longer have the time and inclination to give me her pep talk. I got a chance to leave the office before midnight. However, I was still the last one to leave. 

But recently I always found it uncomfortable at a certain hour, at around 8:00 p.m. or thereabouts. I felt a presence standing behind me, it was strong and luminating. It could be due to the fact that the lights at my section was still on. The other parts of the office were in pitch darkness. I could sense the silent force moving from one desk to the other, like a hurricane. 

Tonight, I felt it most strong. I quickly packed my things and booked a Grab from my iPhone and called it quits. I didn’t want to be confronted by anyone from beyond. Packing my things, I almost spilled the unfinished coffee that Alan gave me. 

The night was chilly but not too cold for my liking. I took a deep breath and told myself that life was treating me well. As I stepped into the Grab car, I saw a text from none other than Victor. 

“You are alive!” I quickly texted back. 

“Listen, can I meet you now?” the person on the other side replied. 

“It’s past midnight, …. ” I texted back, forgetting that he was the one that I had wanted to meet all the while. 

“I can only meet you now,” the other side replied. 

“Ok, then where?” I asked. 

“Just outside Panama Cinema,” and then, “I meet you at the ticketing counter,” another text. 

I was so elated I had entirely forgotten about the fact that at this hour, the ticketing counter would have dispensed all the tickets for the patrons for the midnight shows and closed. 

So that I ordered the Grab driver to change destination. He drove me to the cinema and bid me goodnight, which was rather unusual. I was so happy myself that I didn’t bother about the driver. 

Chapter 22

The cinema was empty. Few people were there and in fact they were only the cleaners. I took the escalator up to the ticketing counter and I saw Li Meng Hwa there. 

“Thought you weren’t coming!” he said. 

“You … you are the one who texted me?!” I exclaimed. 

“Who else do you think it was?” he asked. 

And then at the same time he took out an ornament, a charm that I recognised so well. 

“Want to bring this home?” he asked. 

“I, I, I … don’t know what you mean,” I said. 

“You took this from Jenny’s office door,” Li did not mince his words. 

I could not deny it now. The evidence was weighing right in front of me. 

“What do you plan to do? Report me? This is such a small item!” I raised my voice. 

“Of course not, Lynette. This is just to tell you that we have CCTV surveillance everywhere in the office. I saw you but that I found it to be a once off affair, so I decided to ignore it.” 

“And in any case, you are a good staff.” Li Meng Hwa was gentle with his words. 

“Let me give you a ride home,” he said. 

“Wait! Then how did you know Victor’s phone number? It was you sending the messages to me, right?” I questioned the wretched man. 

“Yup, you have been sending messages to this number every day, and during office hours, so we decided to go to the telecommunications company to check on it,” Li was not afraid to disclose the facts. 

“You have been spying on me!” I shouted. 

“We are paying for your handphone bills, of course we should know these things,” Li was adamant. 

“I am done with you! I am done with your company!” I shouted, and then I walked away, back to the streets dimly lit with lights. My footsteps were bold and loud. 

This time Li grabbed hold of me again. He gripped my arm so tight that I almost screamed. Frankly speaking, Li Meng Hwa was a handsome man, if he hadn’t been with Jenny and I hadn’t overheard the conversation the other night a year ago, I would have wished him as a suitor. But now? 

Chapter 23

Late at night there seemed nothing much to do except to follow my bosses’ order. Meekly I walked with Li to his Lexus, and I climbed into the passenger seat without another word. Surprisingly he drove me back home, which was in fact disappointing. 

Before I got off the car, Li threw a sentence at me, “It is him, isn’t it?”, with almost a trace of bitterness. 

But where was Victor? I screwed my brains the entire night trying to decide if I should forget about Victor and move on. 

The next day I did not report to the office. Neither did I do so for the next three days, and the week after that. No one contacted me and I simply disappeared from the radar of Our News Daily.

Three months later I found another job, this time with a real estate company. They hired me because I looked smart and presentable which was what an estate agent needed to possess. The salary was commission based and depended on my sales. I liked the job because of the flexible hours. Compared to Our News Daily where I had to be glued to the chair for two to three hours at a stretch, this job was cushy. 

But I had a nagging feeling that Li Meng Hwa would not let go of me so easily, especially since he knew that I knew the truth about baby Elizabeth. It suddenly occurred to me that I could blackmail him. I did not need money, but I was quite thrilled at the thought that I could gain some control over the man. I still could not forgive the fact that he spied on me. 

Speaking of the devil. Li Meng Hwa rang me up whilst I was attending to one of my customers at a show flat. 

“Would you like to meet up with me?” he said over the phone, with a kind of earnestness that surprised me. 

Chapter 24

I sat down in front of the man who once used to be my boss. This time he had no power over me. I greeted him politely and asked him why he had decided to meet me after such a long time. Of course I didn’t remember handing in a second letter of resignation. 

“I have a favour to ask of you,” Li came straight to the point. 

“Huh? I am surprised, Mr Li,” I said, almost wanting to make fun of him. “You know Jenny, and her little daughter …?” he began, somewhat tentatively. 

“Yes, her daughter Elizabeth,” I said. 

“Jenny had refused to allow me to see her,” Li said. 

“Her? You mean Elizabeth?” I asked. 

“Precisely! And you know that she is my daughter,” Li put it across. 

“What is the problem? I thought you wanted me to hide it?” I queried; a bit surprised. 

“Yes, and no.” Li looked quite upset now. 

“Jenny had promised me that she would resign from Our News Daily and marry me once the divorce with her husband is finalised,” The man was about to cry.

“Then?” I asked. 

“Nothing has happened so far, it’s been almost a year since Elizabeth was born,” 

I see the picture now. This man wants me to go to court to swear that Elizabeth was his child. 

“Why do you think that Jenny refused to marry you?” I probed. He ought to tell me if he wanted me to help him. 

“Her husband came into a large sum of money by way of inheritance,” Li explained. 

“No way, I am not going to wreck someone else’s marriage.” I said, firmly. 

“If I remember correctly, Jenny wasn’t very nice to you before,” Li tried to instigate me. 

“No way, and goodbye!” This is the second time I walked away from the good-looking man. 

And I couldn’t say that I was not disappointed. 

But I was also afraid at the same time. Now that Li was certain that I knew about the secret – the fatherhood of Elizabeth, would he hire an assassin to kill me?

Chapter 25

Li Meng Hwa was not my beau, neither was he my boyfriend. But after the past few encounters, I had grown to take a liking to him. He never took it back on me, he just allowed me to do whatever that I wished, at that moment. And whenever I stormed out on him, he just stood there and waited until I had gone out of sight. I had begun to develop feelings for him. I told you he was good looking. He was also well dressed. 

I told myself I shouldn’t be running away from Li Meng Hwa like that. Like a pokemon he appeared at critical times. I was beginning to wonder if he was doing this for revenge. But why could he take revenge on me? I had not done him any harm, either wilfully or unwittingly. 

But the image of Victor Lau See Chin still haunted me. You couldn’t blame me I was living in the house in which he designed with the help of an interior designer. I decided that I should move out as soon as possible. 

I found the name of an agent – Ryan Chan Kok Liang. He was working together with another lady by the name of Crystal Chong Bee Eng, in the same company that I now worked at. Both of them have six years of real estate experience. I was persuaded to sell my house at below the market price since the economic outlook for this quarter was dim. I just wanted to leave the premises as soon as possible. Even though I had not thought of where to go. 

Chapter 26

On the day of the viewing, only three persons appeared at my house. One was a middle-aged banker, the other a couple and the third a man from overseas. I gave them my reserved price at once, and all said that they would think about it. I guess that this was a negative response. 

But two days later I got a call from Ryan Chan my estate agent. He gave me a piece of shocking news – that the house was mortgaged, so that I would have to discharge the mortgage first. I had no idea. Victor had been managing all the details all these while. I only did the domesticated chores like house-cleaning and helping him to entertain. If this were the case, then I couldn’t sell the house. But I also had no means to pay off the mortgage. What happened to the letters of demand? Surely the bank would have sent them to me?! 

“Apparently Victor Lau has another address,” Ryan Chan said. 

“Could you give me the other address?” I asked innocently. 

“Am afraid I myself don’t know,” he replied. 

It all suddenly came together. Now I knew why Victor disappeared from my life. I didn’t remember having quarrelled with him. Fact that he left so abruptly had puzzled me for a long time. He must have been in debt. But how come? As far as I know, Victor was not a gambler. 

“How many months due is the mortgage?” I asked. 

“I don’t know, all I know is that the house cannot be sold until the mortgage is discharged,”

“Can I ask the buyer to discharge the mortgage for me?” 

At night I tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep. My accommodation was in trouble and soon I will have nowhere to stay. I was merely an occupier in the house of a missing man. Apart from the fact that I had also lost my job. 

Chapter 27

There was no way out. Either I begged Li Meng Hwa for the admin executive job back, or I allowed myself to go hungry in the streets. 

I went personally to look for Li Meng Hwa in the office, this time his secretary Elaine was not seated at the outside to stop me from barging in. Thank God Li was in. 

To say the truth, Li Meng Hwa was not surprised to see me at all. He merely said to me, 

“You’re back!” and then he signalled for me to sit down in front of him. 

“You know how long I have waited for you to come around to your senses?” Li opened conversation. 

“Yes, and I know that I shouldn’t have left like this, without any note,” I said plainly. 

“For this I would demand that you write a letter to explain for your absence, to indicate that you had been employed by us Our News Daily all this while,” “…. you could say that you were hospitalised, or that you were going through bereavement …. although for bereavement the leave allowed is only three days.” Li was certainly very helpful. 

“I … err … I try my best … can you write the letter for me?” I said, I really didn’t know how to go about it. 

“Fine. Report to me first thing tomorrow morning.” 

I went home with a mixed feeling of gratitude and relieved most of all. I could start to get my life back. Victor had played me out and I should not be bothered about him anymore. He couldn’t pay the mortgage to our house, so he abandoned ship. That was certainly very irresponsible of him. 

And most of all, now I could have a schedule to my day, and I could start to have my Americano again! 

Chapter 28

The negatives were piling up again. I told myself to drink more coffee. Alan Fong was at his newspapers and doing pagination again. Siew Eng was just waiting for me to pass the vetted ones to her for her to bring them to the production department. As I was sipping the coffee reading the news for a breather, I saw …. 

Victor Lau See Chin!!! 

There was this news that a man by the name of Victor Lau See Chin had been stabbed at Panama Cinema on 15 March 2007, just three months ago, the same night that I had met Li Meng Hwa. I recorded the date in my memory because that was also the same day two years ago that I joined Our News Daily.

Yes! Even if my text messages could be read by Li Meng Hwa because my handphone bills were paid by the company, it was strange that Li could be holding Victor’s handphone on that day. How could he have gained control over Victor’s handphone? 

…. Victor was killed!!! 

Immediately my phone rang. Elaine was on the internal line, 

“Lynette, Mr Li wants to see you now,” she said. 

I stood up from my chair, like a zombie I walked to Li Meng Hwa’s room. I knocked even though I knew that he was expecting me and then I opened the door. 

“Has it been proven beyond reasonable doubt?” the man on the high-backed chair said, staring straight into my eyes, his words piercing into my ears. 

“Has it been proven beyond reasonable doubt?” the man on the high-backed chair said, staring straight into my eyes, his words piercing into my ears. 

I turned and rushed out of the room as fast as I could ….

Chapter 29

Inside the court room on the witness stand, I fought hard not to look at the prosecutor. The man was asking me,

“We have now gathered all the evidence to show to the court that the man Li Meng Hwa killed the victim Victor Lau See Chin. But evidence also points to the fact that the killer Li was not acquainted with the victim Lau. Ms Lynette, maybe you could tell us, specifically how the two men became known to each other and their relationship to each other in this entire episode,”

I need to find the motive, fast enough to give a plausible explanation to the story that has been developing now, but all my mind could see was the black and white negatives, with words all over the images ….

“Ok, let me start from the beginning. Ms Lynette, you currently reside at Sunrise Park, is that right?” the prosecutor asked.

“And if I were not wrong, the property is owned by the deceased Victor Lau,” the man continued,

“and, by servicing the mortgage loan, you are contributing to the payment of the property, thus earning the right to keep the property as your own, am I right to say that, Ms Lynette?”

“I certainly hope so, I have nowhere else to stay,” I said, “although I am not sure it works that way,” I added.

“Tell me, when was the last time you saw the victim?”

“September the 13th, 2006,” I gave him the exact date. This is the date I know so well in my head.

“In that last meeting, did the deceased mention that he will not come back again?”

“Of course not, we parted on good terms, I mean, he just disappeared. One day he decided he didn’t want to come back anymore,” I replied, a little exasperated this time.

And then I decided to be funny, “Can I report his MIA with you now that we are on this track?”

“Victor Lau the deceased has been registered as the owner of the property Sunrise Park since 2003, January. I assume that you were also staying there since …. ” the man changed his line of questioning.

“Yes, we saw the property together and we bought the property together,” I supplied him with the storyline, “and since he had more money than I, he decided to foot the bill, and thus my name was left out of the land registry,” I guess this sounds convincing.

“Ok, the arrangement between two lovers …. I shall not quarrel with that,” the man was definitely onto something I didn’t like, fact that he wasn’t interested in denying the facts I gave him.

“You are also in possession of his papers, I gathered, he never mentioned his family to you, Ms Lynette?” 

“No, not that I know of. Victor didn’t used to get along with his family,” I told him the truth. 

“Is that why he is giving you all his money? Money that he has made out in his will?”

OMG! I finally get what this man is up to! He is trying to say that I killed Victor, or conspired to kill him!

“NO!!!” I shouted, “The answer is No!” I emphasised the word No.

“Yes,” the man replied, ignoring my loud protest.

I see that you are also trying to sell the property Sunrise Park at the moment. But then even if the property is sold, the proceeds will still go to the deceased, so there is no way that you could lay hands on his money except to kill him.

No!!! I shouted again, this time at the top of my voice.

“Calm down,” the judge interjected.

“Ok,” I backed down, “assuming you have all the motives, how did I kill Victor? You have no evidence of it,” I didn’t do it, so I knew that the prosecutor had no evidence.

“Yes, Oh yes, you got your beau Li to do the act,” the man, who has now becoming hideous to me, “we know that you met him shortly afterwards, after Victor has died, in the Panama cinema,”

But I was still unconvinced, on the night I merely saw Li Meng Hwa, no dead bodies, no knives, no weapons, how could any one of us kill Victor?” 

“You were quite clever to choose each other as your alibi,” the prosecutor said.

“So, do you know who killed Victor – since you got all the motives,” I decided to be bold.

“Perhaps I ought to be blunt,” the man said, “You were wearing black when you met Li on the fatal night, black being the mourning colour, it would seemed that you already knew what was coming ….”

How could he have known what I was wearing???

“Sir,” I decided to be polite as I think this requires some kind of skill. The man has put me in a situation I never envisaged myself in. 

“Frankly speaking, I can’t even remember what colour I was wearing, if you look into my wardrobe, half of the clothes  I have are black,” this is outrages. I turned to the judge, it’s time I discredit this man, I thought to myself.

And then, no one knows what you do in the dark, unless you tell him .…

It came to me like a ray of sunlight, a promise that nothing I do or did would be revealed.

When Dennis and I were together ….

Chapter 1

I took off my mask, adjusted my collar, tucked my hair behind my ear and put on my most solemn expression. After a deep breath, I turned the doorknob and I walked into Court 23 again. 

The only thought on my mind was that it won’t be long before my enemy found me again. The man was still at large, and I had reported him for a criminal breach of trust. I resigned and he resigned. Of course, the authorities knew where to find me, I had given them all my details and also all the information I knew about Dennis Chan. 

Today I had to defend a woman in long hair. I called her “a woman in long hair” simply because I couldn’t remember her by any other name, her long hair covering all her features. Justice Suzie Temple was the presiding judge. The moment I saw her Justice’s expression I knew that my client was guilty. Clients didn’t usually tell you the truth, when they actually expected you to defend them. 

Chapter 2

The charge was that my client Christine Wong stole a pair of sandals from an expensive boutique. And the staff described her behaviour as being weird when she walked in. The first defence that came to my mind was that she was a kleptomania. But then the staff said that she asked to see the item and had in fact tried it on, then later on she wore the pair of sandals out of the boutique “in broad daylight”. The question remained – why didn’t the sales staff stop her? Was there a conspiracy to frame her? 

Christine Wong came from a well-to-do family. At the time of the arrest, she was in possession of at least two thousand one hundred and forty-six-dollars cash in her wallet. There was absolutely no reason for her to shoplift a pair of sandals. Why would anyone want to shoplift when they could afford to pay? I checked with the officer-in-charge to find out what else she took. And the answer came back as “no other items”. 

At the material time Christine Wong was living alone. Although she was unemployed for at least four months, it was difficult to establish a motive save as to say that she was a kleptomania. But this being the first time that she stole, I could not use it as a defence. 

I knew that it was hard to explain human behaviour. You needed to talk to several people before you could read a criminal’s mind. And most importantly her religion. We all have a God, a faith, who was Christine Wong’s God? And why had He done this to her? Did she idol worship? Clearly her mind wasn’t telling her the right thing at the material time. As I was talking in my mind, I tripped on a stone and I fell flat on the ground. 

No one came to my aid, I had to crawl up then pick up my files on the ground. They were scattered all over the place. Law was my bread and butter. The files were more important than my injured knees. I had to get my files home and kept them safe. No one should be allowed to have access to its contents. My injury wasn’t severe enough for me to see a doctor or call for an ambulance immediately. 

When I arrived at home, I put all the files on my dining table, which had become my worktable as well. I was too tired to do any sorting out. I left them there and I went straight to give myself a hot shower. 

After the shower I went straight to bed. but it had not been my habit to fall asleep immediately. I lay in bed, and suddenly the image of a man came to my mind, at the bus-stop where I always alighted on the way home. The man was in a black shirt and black pants. I remembered that I looked at him, and he turned away. Later on, he looked at me again, I stared back at him wondering why and how I could have attracted his attention. The strange thing was that he made a 90-degree bow, facing me, pretending to be looking at his shoes. I stared at him. I had never seen him before. And why was he there in the first place? 

Fear was a natural response to any threat, especially when it was a threat we didn’t completely understand. At the time I had this vague feeling that I was being followed. 

Chapter 3

The streets were quiet today. About one in ten of the people who were out was wearing a mask. I collected my masks at the government hub yesterday. It was smooth and no fuss. I watched with dismay how the authorities were trying to trace the contact points in order to stamp out the transmission. Covid-19 was by far one of the most contagious disease. I hurried on with my groceries then I went home. 

Once I reached home, I quickly washed my hands and then took a quick shower to get rid of the layer of germs mapping on the surface of my clothes. I had never been so conscious of hygiene before. Afterwards I went back to my PC to start on my affidavit on Christine Wong. 

“… law is the basis of everything that governs human behaviour, and nobody wants to be a criminal for a minor misdemeanour. Christine Wong was just careless on the day of the incident. She was preoccupied with … and had in fact wanted to make payment. In her mind, she had expected the staff to ask her to pay, but that since none of them did, she thought that she had already made payment when she walked out. My client Christine Wong was not hiding the fact that she had the pair of sandals on. If she had intended to steal, she would not have walked out of the boutique with so many pairs of eyes watching her. We could only conclude that she was merely forgetful. Perhaps she was nursing a broken heart …” 

And then before I went to bed after I had put on the dressing for my knees I prayed before the miniature statue of Mother Mary at the altar. 

Chapter 4

Everybody was tense. I tried to smile at the security officer who was scanning my briefcase. She looked beyond me. 

“Anything inside?” the lady in navy blue uniform asked, the badge on her chest shinning. 

“The usual,” I said, thinking that she would recognise me, I was a regular here I came to court at least once a week. 

“Open up,” she said, I opened my handbag. The woman used a stick to poke at its contents. Then she put a sandwich bag on the conveying belt. I looked at it, inside was a surgical mask. 

“Put it on,” she said. 

“I …,” I wanted to argue with her but refrained. How could I present my case in court if I were to be wearing a mask? 

I had to attend court. I was representing Daphne Lim this morning. Representing Daphne was no easy feat. It took me five phone calls and thirteen text messages to get her to agree to come to court. If not because of her mother, I would have discharged myself a long time ago. 

Daphne Lim’s mother was my ex-colleague. To tell you the truth, I was shocked when June Chia came to my office. I haven’t seen her for almost twenty years, I didn’t even know that she was married. 

“So, who did you marry in the end?” I asked, the first thing I said when I saw June at my office. 

“I am divorced,” June was direct. 

“And the purpose of your visit? I was impatient. I was having several files to attend to, and two affidavits to write for the case on Christine Wong. 

I carried on, “So, you are not asking me to do a divorce. Then wills, probate? Or property?” 

June looked dishevelled, “Ok then I get to the point, my daughter is being scammed,” 

“Have you reported the matter to the police?” I asked. Scams were a matter for the police. 

June shook her head. 

Why not? I asked. 

“My daughter is a very educated woman, if word gets out that she is being cheated, we might all sound very foolish,” June said. And she was right after all. 

“So then why are you here? I became a little irritated. She couldn’t have come here to ask me to support the scammer. 

After a pause I said, “Oh then, you want me to represent her?” 

June put an envelope on my desk. I glanced at it, and I said, 

“I don’t accept cash,” 

“Open up,” she ordered me. 

All lawyers were in the habit of opening mails on the spot. We couldn’t leave anything sealed lying around. 

Inside were several letters. I saw that they were in my own handwriting. I picked up one of them and started to read its contents. They were my love letters to Dennis Chan. 

“How did you get hold of them?” I was shocked. 

“Believe me, I know where your lover is,” my new client June Chia told me.

Chapter 5

The Covid-19 virus had no agenda, neither did it discriminate, there seemed to be nothing to stop the virus from spreading. No, we hadn’t found a vaccine yet. 

More confirmed cases had been identified, and tourism and retail industries had been badly affected. I watched with dismay every night on television that new cases had been reported. 

As I was sipping coffee at Black Brewers, several messages from friends came. One was a forwarded message from the Archbishop Gerald Fong See Beng. He was being interviewed, and he gave his reasons why he had decided to suspend all Masses. Sounded good and logical, but frustrated parishioners had resorted to online attendance. I was not in the habit of going to Mass, and simply had no time to do so. So actually, I was in absentee for a long time. The suspension did not affect me one way or another. So long as the courthouse was still open, I had a job to do and a purpose. Life must go on cases must be resolved. 

I changed into my slippers the moment I got into the office. The 4-inch heals were meant to give me an edge over my opponents. Over the years I had acquired the habit of holding my head up as I was always looking up at the bench. 

Leena had prepared my lunchbox. I went to the fridge, took out the salad and dressing and I gobbled at the vegetables. Since Christmas I had been trying very hard to lose weight. My weight had been on the constant rise and very soon I would turn into a fat woman. 

Chapter 6

One of my old clients looked for me again. It was Edward Leong. He wanted to know if I were able to act for his son, this time a divorce. Frankly speaking, I had never been married before and I didn’t know how to do a divorce. But both Edward and his wife Penny were very insistent, saying that I was the best lawyer in town – something which I myself had never heard off. 

I kept myself free in the afternoon so that I could meet with the family. I had never met the young man, but I was taken aback when I saw Penny Leong. She was Omg bejewelled. From top to toe she had diamonds decorated, looking like a Christmas tree. 

Penny carried with her an air as though she were superior to me. Frankly speaking I didn’t see her as being any better than myself. The only plausible reason for her to look down on me would be that she had more diamonds on her body. 

After the consultation, I became very unhappy, and I rushed out to Tiffany’s to look for some jewellery to upstage Penny the next time she came in to see me again. At Tiffany’s I chose the first diamond ring I saw, and I put it on my finger even before the salesman had swapped my credit card. 

Chapter 7

I was almost late for the hearing this morning. A large queue had already been formed at the entry points. They usually scan our bags and belongings, which I had gotten used to. But this time they were also funnelling us through a few entry points, to detect if anyone of us was febrile. Obediently I stood amongst the crowd. Silently I prayed, hoping that I wouldn’t be late for Justice Suzie Temple. 

I began, 

“Your Honour, my client Daphne Lim Yoke Lin was … young and naïve, thinking that she could find love from a man whom she had never met, and he took advantage of that. There was certainly no intention on her part to deceive anyone but herself … Daphne Lim was estranged from her own natural family and was devastated when she discovered that she was actually an adopted child by her mother … so that she sought consolation from an outsider …. ” 

Chapter 8

The World Health Organization on Wednesday declared the novel coronavirus outbreak a pandemic. There were 118,000 cases, more than 4,000 deaths, the agency said, and the virus had found a foothold on every continent except for Antarctica. Vietnam is no exception. 

I found the streets no less crowded. People minding their own affairs were already masked with a glum face. I wore my surgical mask but knew that it was just a useless self-precaution. 

If you asked me if was afraid of anyone, I would tell you it was Leena. Leena my secretary was my confidant as well as my alibi. Whenever there was a call say from a troublesome client whom I didn’t want to talk to, I would tell her to tell him that I was in court. Over the years, being in court had been one of my best excuses for absentee, although when actually I was watching a film at the cinema. 

There was this film “Knives Out” that I must see this week. I bought the tickets for 1:40pm and tucked it in my LV bag. The tickets were purchased online and had my credit card details although if I went on a weekday, I could get a fifty percent discount. I preferred to do everything online so that I could capture all my expenditure by looking at my credit card monthly statement. Yes, I was on an austerity drive. 

And then I was almost late for the show. The door to Hall 3 was already closed. I drew the curtains apart and immediately a woman in torchlight came to my rescue. 

“Show me your ticket,” she said. I put my hand inside my LV and tucked at the paper. There were no tickets! 

“I booked it online, let me show you the booking,” I tried to remain calm. Thank God my iPhone was obedient, and I retrieved the booking on the spot. J9. The woman let me in, and I crossed over the legs of several patrons before I could find my seat. Luckily the screen was just showing what was coming soon. At least I could relax for a while quietly without my clients and Justice Suzie Temple. 

When the show started, I already knew how it was going to end, so actually I was just using my time in the cinema to send some unread messages on my WhatsApp. 

I braved the rain to take the bus after the film ended. The weather was fine when I boarded and frankly, I thought that the weatherman won’t have expected it to rain either. 

After I arrived at home, my clothes were soaking wet with rainwater. My first instinct was to take off the diamond ring before I washed my hands. As usual I left it on the vanity counter. 

When I was falling asleep on the bed at night, I thought about the booking at the cinema, and was wondering how a mistake could have arisen from an online booking. Did someone tamper with the internet?

Chapter 9

I read with dismay that several countries had imposed a lockdown. In the evening after work I rushed out to buy instant noodles and toothpaste, some can food and whatever that came to my mind, including fresh milk. The supermarket was crowded, and the shoppers’ faces were miserable. I managed to grab some toilet paper as well. The joke now was that toilet paper was greater in demand than a diamond ring. I looked at the Tiffany’s diamond ring on my hand and I toyed with it. 

When I stepped into Black Brewers, I ordered my usual coffee and it came in a paper cup, which only served to remind me that there was a pandemic. Nevertheless, I finished the brown liquid and was about to leave before a young woman sat in front of me at the same table. 

“Are you the lawyer who is acting for Christine Wong?” she asked. 

I was stunned for a while, and I wanted to walk away. But curiosity overtook me. How could she have known? Was she at the hearing? It was an open court, so that I couldn’t help replying, 

“Yes, indeed I am her solicitor. You have something for me?” I asked. 

“I can confirm that Christine Wong was framed,” she looked straight at me. 

“How? You were there at the boutique?” I became interested. 

“No, I am a staff. I can tell you that the boutique does not have CCTV,” 

“Huh?” I was taken aback. Lawrence the public prosecutor had said that he had a recording of Christine walking out without paying. 

“Can you prove that to me?” I became excited, I needed hard evidence. 

“I’m afraid not,” the lady said. 

“Then can you give me your name? Can you swear an affidavit?” I wanted this badly. 

The lady merely shrugged her shoulders. I put one foot forward and sat down in front of her again. 

“Look. You could save a person from going to jail if you would cooperate with me,” I began pleading with her. I must win my case. 

“I don’t want to lose my job. I can’t give evidence.” She was firm. 

“Then what is your purpose here now?” I became irate. 

Chapter 10

Before I went out this morning, I took my hand sanitizer and masks. I packed three masks as once you had used it, you must change into a new one. 

If you did an activity often enough you were bound to get tired of it. I was getting tired of going to court. Of course, my four-inch heels had a lot to do with it. The only thing that motivated me was the fees I received from my clients. 

In order for me to make out a case that my client was a kleptomania, I tried to ask Christine if she had seen a shrink before. 

“Indeed, …. ” she said. 

“I go for confession three times a week … at different venues, to more than one priests. Father Damien Cheng is very forgiving, and Father George Lim is benevolent, so is Father Jason Wong … in fact Father Damien is a great listener, and I particularly liked the penance dispensed by Father Jason Wong … he never made me recite more than two decades of the rosary as penance … 

So that meant that the woman used the priests as psychiatrists! I shrugged at the thought and decided to check with the church if priests had actually gone through some sort of psychology training. 

In the meantime, I was glad that the hearings were going on as usual. 

Chapter 11

I only had one mode of transport – the bus. And I only took Grab when it was either raining or threatening to rain. 

When you put on sunglasses you gave other people an eerie feeling, as though you were trying to do something for which you didn’t want to be caught. I saw a woman sitting directly in front of me on the bus. She was looking in my direction, but I couldn’t tell if she was actually staring at me. The journey to the office seemed longer today as I wanted to be out of her range. 

Was she another woman who could help me with my client’s case? Or was she a proxy of Dennis Chan? 

I knew that I was beginning to draw conclusions without any cogent evidence in support whatsoever. But that so long as Dennis Chan was at large, I could not feel safe. 

As I stepped into the lift, I found several workers inside the lift. A pandemic team with hazmat suits was doing disinfectant cleaning. It lifted my spirits immediately seeing for the first time a cleaning crew in full personal protective equipment. But that also meant that a suspect or confirmed case had been in the area. I had not been paying close enough attention to the news lately as I had been too busy with my cases. 

At the time a little coronavirus was lurking in the corner to latch onto Irene Ng …. 

Chapter 12

The promise from the Christian God wasn’t sufficient for me. I went to the Kwan Im Temple to seek guidance – you shake at a tin for a divination stick to spill out, then use the verse on it to refer to the Buddhist prophecy in the Scriptures. Dutifully I did the ritual and true enough the result said that it won’t be long before my enemy found me again. 

At this point in time, I wished that I hadn’t reported on Dennis Chan. Surely, I could have pardoned him. It wasn’t my money that he took, it was his client’s money. Why was I being such a busy body?! 

Chapter 13

If you think that you were being followed, go into a ladies’ room, no man will follow you there. I found a man walking closely behind me on the way from the office to the bus-stop. I couldn’t see his face clearly as he was wearing a mask. 

It must be the diamond ring. I thought to myself. I wanted to take it off and hide it in my handbag immediately. But then the man could pick pocket it from my handbag, I thought. If I wore it on me all the time, I would know straight away when it was gone, assuming that the robber could snatch it out of my finger. I turned around to confront him, 

“What do you want?” I was brave. 

This was a safe country, all robbers were bound to be caught, sooner or later. At the same time, I put my left hand with the ring in my pocket, not willing to expose it. 

“Wear your mask! For heaven’s sake!” I yelled at him. 

“I want to commit suicide,” the man said. 

Without another word, he flashed out a knife, pointing at his own chest. 

Suicide was decriminalised, but abetment to suicide was still punishable. 

This man wanted me to help him end his life! If he had wanted to harm himself, he need not have involved me!! 

I became disgusted, and I quickened my steps, hurrying down the road, in order to disassociate myself from the onerous man. I thought that perhaps he wanted me to stop him, otherwise why would he warn me of his intent beforehand? 

But right now, the police were too busy arresting people who flout the stay-home notice, if I were to call for help, they would probably ignore me, I thought – Huh? … a stranger on the street telling you he wants to kill himself … are you serious?

I walked as fast as I could, not willing to look back to see if the man was ok. The bus came right on time and I boarded the bus without as much as a pause. It was not crowded as most people were at home doing self-isolation. 

Why was the stranger putting on an act? I was certain that suicide wasn’t on his agenda, neither was my diamond ring. In the semidarkness I could not see his face very clearly. 

Chapter 14

All activities have slowed down, people have been advised not to conduct large scale events, I took it that this was one way in which God was telling me not to worship Him in public. I had not attended Mass for a long time and frankly was quite tired of the Rosary. My prayer on having Dennis Chan caught had not been answered. 

The most frustrating thing was that I couldn’t even go out to seek the protection of my other help the Goddess Kwan Yin. The Kwan Yin Temple was also closed so that I went ahead to the shop located just next to it to purchase a statue. I brought it home hugging it tightly in my chest carefully not to trip over the flight of steps on the way up to my unit. And then I found the most prominent spot in my house and placed it right there. Afraid that I couldn’t see it at night, I moved my lamp by the study table to the side of the statue, and then I let the statue illuminate in the night.

Chapter 15

Scientists said that the Covid-19 was a zoonotic transmission not a human virus and that it was an animal virus that got into the human population. 

Some days I was in top form but someday I really didn’t feel like going to court. I dragged myself out of the bed this morning and decided to say a short prayer before I went to work. This time I prayed in front of the statue of the Buddha at the corner of the bedroom. 

When I prayed with Mother Mary, I had one agenda for each decade of the rosary. Basically, I asked God to help me win all of my cases in court. So far, the Almighty had answered ninety percent of my prayers – the outstanding one being on Dennis Chan. Of course if Dennis was arrested and put in jail, the chances of him marrying me would be nil. 

Chapter 16

If you found something irresistible you must go ahead and buy it. I had suddenly found the desire to buy the same pair of sandals that Christine Wong was accused of stealing. And so, after presenting my case in court, I went straight to the same boutique Graceful Legs to see if I could find a similar pair. 

The salesman at the door refused to let me in, unless I was properly attended to, so I waited until he could summon an available salesperson. The girl who came with an iPad in hand was most obliging. 

“Oh yes, let me check if I got the colour you want,” the salesgirl said, and then, 

“It’s shocking pink, isn’t it? We call it the Rose or Fuchsia.” 

I took out a random pair of sandals on display and I tried it on. It was obviously too large for me. The girl quickly checked the sole of the sandals and ordered me to try on another smaller size, before checking on her iPad for availability. 

“Yes! We have size 35.5 for this colour!! Just wait here!!!” she was in ecstasy. 

When the sandals came, I felt like Cinderella when I slipped it on. 

“Indeed, it looks very nice. Do I pay here?” I immediately offered. 

“No, you go to level 1, one level down to make payment,” she said. 

And then it suddenly came so clear to me! This was the street level, the section where sandals were displayed, so naturally Christine walked out thinking that the cashier counter was just around the corner. The entry to level 1 was obscure. Christine must have been very absent minded. I thought about this and decided to use this argument as my defence, instead of advising my client to plead guilty. 

“Before I pay, do you have CCTV here?” one last thing. 

“Oh no! Purchases here are strictly confidential, clients’ records are not subject to public inspection … even the Sultana of Brunei comes in here sometimes ….” She declared proudly. 

Dutifully I followed her to the cashier and made payment for my most expensive pair of footwear. 

At night whilst writing my affidavit I pondered over the arguments. Would Justice Suzie Temple buy it? 

On the PC I typed: “… the accused Christine Wong had meant to make payment but had absent minded walked out of the boutique thinking that she was on her way to the cashier … ” 

And then I deleted my notes on the screen. DPP Lawrence said that they had the CCTV record, which meant that the authorities had intended to prosecute my client. There must be some other reason. Who was Christine related to? Was there something about Christine Wong that they knew, and I didn’t? 

Chapter 17

It was an innocent and calm afternoon, nothing contriving about the scenery or the crowd, the people on the streets were in single digits with their bags hanging loosely over their shoulders. If you detached yourself from the picture before you and looked at the scenery from the outside you would see mostly dark colours. 

I took my usual seat atBlack Brewers.

From the corner of my eye I saw the stranger again. The man who followed me that day after “Knives Out”. My immediate instinct was to look at my diamond ring – it stared back at me as though telling me it wanted to change owners. It was my own purchase not a gift, so that there was no sentimental value attached to it and I need not offer any explanation to anyone. Wait! Now I remembered, the man wanted to kill himself! It wasn’t my diamond ring that he wanted … 

Quickly I grabbed my coffee and my files, and I rushed out of the café. 

It was beginning to be clear to me that I was being followed. 

I could only tell you my story haphazardly like this, as my cases brought me from one venue to another. My schedule was not always well rehearsed, I was not always where you thought I might be. But one thing was for sure – I was being followed. Why? I was a solicitor, not a rogue. 

Chapter 18

As the Covid-19 entered into its aggressive phase, many countries were imposing a lockdown. The enemy was potent, invisible and intelligent. I braced myself for an imminent announcement from the government and wondered if I should shut my office and gave everyone a break. With a lockdown, the courts would be closed. In any case, the attention of the authorities was diverted elsewhere focusing on temperature screening for incoming arrivals on our borders and issuing stay-home notices. A courtroom was a public place so naturally it would be closed if there was a lockdown. 

Which meant that Christine Wong would be kept in limbo without knowing if she were going to be sentenced or released. My principal had always been that you should not plead guilty for an offence for which you did not commit. But I was not she I could not be absolutely sure as to her state of mind on the day of the alleged offence. I could only make out a case to convince the judge that she was not guilty, that she did not have the mens rea – the intention to commit a crime, and without the element she was not culpable. 

And now that I also knew that there was no CCTV in the boutique, there was no actus rea! 

Yes, there must be a mix up somewhere. 

Were the authorities trying to fix Christine Wong or her solicitor? Were they following me because I was acting for Christine Wong? Or was it Daphne Lim that they were trying to fix? Who was Daphne Lim’s natural mother? 

Chapter 19

When you were dealing with an influenza virus-like transmissions, it’s like trying to control the wind change. You had no idea who had influenzas unless he coughed. Crowded places seemed more dangerous and as far as I was concerned, I couldn’t avoid Court 23. 

As I went for my hearing this morning, I packed my sanitizer and masks. The consolation was that there were still people out in the streets, although the population outside were considerably less. Faces were buried in handphones and no one would smile in return even if you greeted them. I took my usual seat on the bus at the row facing the traffic. I tried to rehearse my submission in my mind, so as to make it sound more powerful and convincing to Justice Suzie Temple. 

Our Hanoi chef had come out with a coronaburger. They called it a coronaburger for hard times, in an attempt to boost morale in the city by selling coronavirus-themed burgers. They said that it was easier to make friends with the coronavirus than fight it. Once you encountered it, it followed you and looked for all of your contacts to make itself more popular. Yes, this Covid-19 was the most popular disease by now surpassing cancer. Everyone talked about Covid-19 and nothing else. 

The moment I arrived at the office I called Leena into to my room and took our respective temperatures. Temperature taking had become our habit and daily routine. If I had accidentally touched the metal railings on the bus and got it from another passenger, the virus would follow me into the office, and then travelled from my system and into Leena before infecting Judy and Bee Geok. 

Nothing can be sadder than seeing your countrymen being inflicted with illness one after another, even if you didn’t care about the rest of the world.

Chapter 20

When you were at a certain age you wanted to be someone rather than yourself. If you were Chinese speaking you wanted to be Jack Ma, and if you were pro American you might wish to be perceived as if you were Bill Gates. I wanted neither, I only wanted to be Mrs Dennis Chan. I was certain that God had nothing against adultery. In the Bible they said that God had sent His Son to pardon people like me. 

The Covid-19 is spreading exponentially. Once we had finished calculating one set of data, another news came in and we had to redo the statistics to convince ourselves that the pandemic was under control. Everyone was worried and no one was left to chance. I went to the grocers and did my last round of shopping as I had decided to go into self-isolation. But in reality, I was hiding from Dennis Chan my enemy and my associate. 

I could see crowds of people at Fresh and Frozen when I went in. Panic had set in the supermarket and I could see staff busy replenishing the shelves as shoppers were busy picking up the food. Most were wearing masks by now as people were beginning to take this virus seriously, like when you suddenly found that your opponent in court were no paralegal. 

Covid-19 was beginning to take its toll on the population. Looks of frustration were written on every shopper’s face, probably because many people were unable to get the food items that they wanted. All I wanted was some tom yam paste with fish balls so that I could cook it with some instant noodles. Many people frown on it when I told them that I survived on instant noodles, they said that it was bad for the health. But that was the fastest that I could prepare in a short span of time. For someone like me, where my eating hours depended largely on my timeline for the affidavits, I really could not make a regular mealtime. 

Of course, as a solicitor I had my own issues. Solicitors were not immune to problems either. 

Chapter 21

I hurried home after I got my groceries, which apart from the above, consisted of some pork, potatoes and vegetables together with strawberries my favourite. And as I was having my dinner with the radio on, I heard from the news that almost every country around the globe were talking about flattening the curve. This phrase has become a cliché by now. 

But at the same time, the coronavirus had become a convenient excuse for cancellation of meetings, contracts and all forms of social gathering. Clients have called in to enquire if their cases had been adjourned. 

When I reached home, I took out another item – a watch which I was wearing when Dennis Chan was around. Since I decided that I must break up with him, I had systematically transferred every conceivable item that reminded me of Dennis to a drawer that I marked as “Dennis and I”. Dennis had not bought me any gift for me to throw away, so that I could only use this method to disassociate myself from him. I needed to erase all thoughts of our past together. One more item and that will be all! 

Chapter 22

We finally had to lockdown. There seemed no other way to break the chain of transmission. The virus was moving from the traders’ screen to the real economy. No one went out, no one shopped, everything was done online, every dish on my table was an online order. The only people that came out from hiding were the deliverymen. Even the newspapers were slipped into the letterboxes instead. I missed the delicious white rose dumpling at the food centre on the way to the bus stop. 

As I was toiling in bed falling asleep tonight, I thought about the much hated Covid-19, and had to agree that it was a fair demon after all. The virus didn’t differentiate between persons, young or old, rich or poor. It just latched onto you and attacked! And, not even distinguishing between the good or bad. Like HIV, you could try to conclude that it belonged to persons who were “immoral”, and if you avoided certain steps or certain classes of people, you were relatively immune. 

Chapter 23

It was not easy to extricate out of a relationship, much less easy to change religion, especially if you had friends who used to share the same faith with you. No, I had not abandoned the Catholic Mother Mary. But tonight, I began to speak Mandarin to Kwan Yin when I prayed. Since it was the first time I offered my prayer, I ended it with “Amen”. I had not found out how I should practise my chant to close with Kwan Yin.

Kwan Yin was beautiful, radiant in the night, I fell in love with her smile. For the moment, I had temporarily forgotten about Dennis Chan, until someone knocked on my door this morning. It was too early for me. I went to bed past midnight writing my affidavits, and unless the alarm screamed at me, I did not get up from my bed. So that when I went to the door to open it, I spotted a man in his thirties with a package in his hands. 

“Mind if I come in?” he said. 

“Why?” I asked, I was still in my pyjamas, although a very reserved one, an old t-shirt and a pair of track pants. 

“I was told to hand deliver this to you,” the guy said. 

“Fine, just pass it to me through the railings,” I didn’t want to open the door. 

“Let me in first,” he insisted. 

“Do I need to sign for it?” I was still half asleep. 

“The parcel is too large, and the sender wants me to see that you open it in front of me,” the guy in jumpsuit said again. 

I now began to recognise him as someone from the DHL. 

So, he was a proper delivery man. I opened my front door and let him in. 

The man stepped in. He took of his mask and unveiled his true identity. 

It was Dennis! 

Chapter 24

I was finally confronted with the truth. 

As far as I was concerned, I preferred not to revisit upsetting memories. Dennis turning up at my doorstep had once again revived and unravelled the past, from the first day I met him, to the last meal we had together at the Fish Burger Restaurant … 

“Darling, I miss you,” the man in the jumpsuit said, the minute I opened the door. 

“God damn it, where have you been?” I couldn’t contain my surprise. 

Dennis Chan was still alive! 

“You know about the case, right?” he asked. 

“Where have you been?” again I asked. 

“China, of course,” Hanoi is very close to China, just below.

“You could have told me?!” I confronted him, although this was not the best thing to say at the moment. 

“I was not supposed to have any contact with you, remember??” he said. 

“Ok, now that you are back, why don’t you just wash your hands first, take a hot shower and then relax for a while, and then I want to hear your story,” I continued, I had not forgotten the standard practice for protecting ourselves against Covid-19. 

“You mean what I have been up to …” Dennis mumbled. 

“Were you able to deposit the money in my account in Hainan?” I was supposed to let him rest but couldn’t help asking the man as he was washing his hands in the toilet. 

“Oh my, I miss the familiar scent of your toilet …” Dennis gave a swoosh. 

“Don’t deviate, I want to know where the money is,” I pursued. 

“Not to worry, it is safe with me,” he tried to reassure me. 

“No, I am concerned. The account is in my name. What documents did you have to show them in order to put the money into my account?” I was very curious and was concerned about this all the while. 

“Darling, you know me, all I had to do was smile at the bank teller!” Dennis grinned and showed me his front teeth. 

I became a little annoyed but knew that the information would come out from him sooner or later, so I went to the kitchen to prepare him a hot drink. 

I must admit, Dennis’ sudden reappearance had injected a certain amount of stress and uncertainty in me. As I was boiling water in the kettle, my mind racing, I asked, 

“Where is your passport?” – this was to find out if he had actually been to Hainan, where he said he was. 

“Oh, it’s in my trouser pocket,” Dennis said, nonchalantly. 

I rushed to the washing machine, the equipment was churning, and the red button is on showing that the door is locked and could not be opened anymore. I started to get frantic. 

“Help! … “ I yelled, “Dennis, come here … help!” I shouted. 

“What’s the matter, dear?” he sounded unbelievably calm. 

“Your jeans … it’s in the washing machine … your passport … “ I cried. 

“Let it be, I am here to stay, I won’t need it for the time being.” The man said, with a faint smile over his lips. 

Dennis looked good to be here for stay, so that I ignored the matter for the time being. I told myself that I would have more time later on to cross-examine him. For now, I had my man back and I was quite happy with the status quo. 

I looked at Dennis, this was the man that I had wanted to marry and the same man that I had wanted to be put away in jail.

Chapter 25

I didn’t know what was wrong with me this morning as I had felt faint since I woke up. It could be the mint tea that I took last night, or maybe the fruit juice this morning wasn’t fresh enough. I rushed to the toilet to ease myself. 

At 9:00 am when Dennis woke up, I told him that I was ill and needed to see a doctor. He was neither here nor there. 

“Stomach ache?” “Just take some charcoal pills, Irene,” he advised. 

I couldn’t tell you that I was not disappointed. Dennis wasn’t the old usual self. He used to get very worried whenever I fell ill. 

I went into the kitchen and took out some of those small tiny little pills. They had always been able to save me from going to the doctor. Although I couldn’t quite tell you what the composition was as they were some TCM products. TCM stood for Traditional Chinese Medicine. 

After a while my symptoms subsided and I went back to my PC to work. We were all told to work remotely from home now. 

It didn’t take me more than 60 seconds to know what was happening to my body. 

Immediately I rang Dr Lu to make an appointment. Dr Lu was my regular gynaecologist. He did my peps smear and breast examination including X-rays every six months, and I remembered that I saw him just early this year. He told me that everything was alright, by that he meant that my tests showed no signs of cancer. 

Dennis came in to check on me. 

“What happened dear? Who were you talking to?” he asked. 

I knew that he was afraid that I might be talking with the authorities. I kept my mouth shut. I was not going to let him in until I found out the truth. 

Chapter 26

Dr Lu told me I was pregnant. 

One usually got elated over such an event. Rather, I was miserable. 

No, not now. Not in this social climate. I told herself. 

The first thing Dr Lu told me was that the Covid-19 was unlikely to affect an unborn child if a pregnant woman contracted the virus. Of course I had to believe him, and of course I didn’t believe him. 

“I couldn’t have been pregnant!” I was in denial. 

After I left Dr Lu’s office, I went to the pharmacy to purchase a pregnancy test kid. I wasn’t convinced by Dr Lu, although one usually got themselves checked on these things before seeing a gynaecologist. I brought the pack to the counter, dropped it in front of the salesgirl. The girl gave me a wry smile, took the item and collected the change. 

“I have no basis for believing that it is true!” Dennis said to me when I told him that I was pregnant. 

“Why?” I asked. 

“I came back on May 20, and today is only July 29 …. OMG!” my boyfriend did a quick mental calculation. 

“What shall we do now?” that was my next question. 

“ … the coronavirus, is it harmful for the baby?” he began to show some concern. 

I decided to keep mum. 

Silence in the face of so egregious a claim signalled agreement. 

By now most businesses and all schools were shuttered. And I have used close to a hundred masks over the last three months. That was an average of three a day. 

But the whole time I was worried that my baby might not turn out healthy. I pondered on how to talk Dennis out of it. Honestly, when I broke the news to Dennis, I had expected him to tell me to go for an abortion. But since he had consented to be the father of the baby, I seemed to have no choice. 

I started talking more egg coffee, and I also took to drinking alcohol together with Dennis in the evenings, at Dr Lu’s advice, something which all health professionals said would be harmful for an unborn foetus. 

I tried to give the baby a name. That called for me to determine the gender of the baby. 

“You would only know the answer at 14 weeks, by which time it would have been illegal to go for an abortion.” Dr Lu stated in no uncertain terms. 

“So that means that I have to make a choice now,” I asked, my hands fidgeting. 

Chapter 27

The minute I arrived at home I went straight to the drawer marked “Dennis and I”, and I packed all of its contents into a shopping bag, I brought the bag to the nearest dustbin in the house, which is the rubbish chute located at behind the kitchen, and I dropped the not so heavy bag into the opening. 

Then, I took out Dennis’ jumpsuit, together with his dirty socks and the pair of jeans which I had ironed for him, lumped it inside his luggage, and I brought his luggage and threw it out of the front door, signalling it’s time for him to leave. I completed the task almost in less than ten minutes. 

No one saw me, except Dennis who was just waking with my noises. 

“You are in hiding, remember?” I said, “You should not even be here,” trying to be as calm as I could. 

“Yes, and no,” “and how did you know that I was wanted?” he started to question me. 

Only then did it struck me that Dennis Chan was not supposed to be in the know. I had reported him to the Criminal Bureau anonymously. And only God and I knew that it was I, Irene Ng, Dennis Chan’s lover and associate, who turned on him. 

“Were you the one who told the police that I took the money?” he started getting agitated, and I could see his temperature raising. 

And then POP! Suddenly the man collapsed right in front of me. 

Of course, I rang the ambulance. The matter was serious enough to call for it. I followed Dennis in the ambulance to the Greenland Hospital, and then I waited outside the operating theatre until the surgeon came out to give me a satisfactory answer – which was that Mr Dennis Chan Eng Chee, a 46-year-old Chinese national, died of unnatural death at the Greenland Hospital at 7:30pm. 

I was just needing a good class of champagne to celebrate the birth of my would-be-born baby – my usual glass in the evening. Of course, Dr Lu was the first to know since he was the father of my baby. He still insisted that I would have to wait another 4 weeks before he would tell me the gender of our child. 

And the man who told me he wanted to kill himself the night at the bus stop outside my office was none other than Mr Dennis Chan. Of course, I could recognise my ex-lover in the dark, and of course, it was I who dropped the cyanide in his drink whilst I prepared the cocktails in the evenings with my associate who took the money and banked it into his own personal account in China. The fact that he deliberately tried to mutilate his passport showed that he didn’t want me to know his whereabouts. And guess who told me? Of course, it was none other than my ex-colleague June Chia who was now working for the Criminal Bureau to whom I made the report to! 

And it was just as well that Dennis Chan died of a massive heart attack, for otherwise he would have been arrested by the authorities, and I now knew why I had been followed. The police knew that Dennis would come back to look for me in the end. But my money was now frozen in Dennis’ bank account in China. Or was it, Thailand that he went to? 

This, only Dennis Chan knew.

A time to dance!

Chapter 1

Every murderer will tell you that he had no intention of killing the victim. And nobody knows how your mind works except yourself. 

Chapter 2

I did my inventory check list for the last time and found that no items had been missing today. Then I took out the little cash box to count the monies that I had collected for the day. 

As usual, I have collected about five-hundred dollars. Not many people came in today. I spent most of my time in the day on my iPhone looking at the Facebook. 

At 8:00 p.m. sharp, I took the cash box, locked myself out of the shop, and I went to look for Winnie. 

Winnie was my supervisor in this hotel and the admin manager. I was always relieved to see her sitting at her desk waiting for me to appear. 

“Hi, you are done for today?” she asked. 

“Yup, as usual,” and then, 

“Here is the collection, five hundred and twenty-seven dollars,” 

“What did they buy?” Winnie showed some interest. 

“A soap dish and a cigar case,” I said. 

“Oh,” “We still have stock, right?” Winnie asked. 

“Yup, three of each left,” I answered.

“Ok, don’t forget to make requisition later,” Winnie reminded me. 

I let her count the cash and noted the initial next to the figure on the little notebook, then I picked up the cash box and strolled out of Winnie’s office after bidding her good day. 

It’s time to see Andrew and I was glad. 

Chapter 3

The gift shop of a hotel was not a boutique that people usually frequented. It was more like a quaint place where people just came in and browsed – to look see. 

After work I would drop by at a cafe located inside the Wilshire House on my way home. The cafe was a new joint, tucked in at one obscure corner. No one realised that it was there unless he was going to the stall around the corner to buy newspapers and magazines. 

It was there that I met Jeffrey. 

The minute this man sat down beside me I knew that he was not an ordinary customer. The waitress was unusually deferential towards him. I saw the way he dressed, a black polo shirt exposing a thick gold chain on his neck and a bold engraved gold ring on his finger. I guessed that he must be at least a millionaire, or some CEO in a large organisation. 

I was still a church mouse. If he were a celebrity I won’t have known. 

I was careful not to spill coffee onto my knitted blouse, so that I tucked the napkin on my neck under my blouse. When my tiramisu cake came, I used my fork to poke into the pastry and was just about to relished it when my neighbour said, 

“Shouldn’t you be taking off your mask?” 

“Oh, I see,” I smiled back, and then obediently I took off my mask. 

“Nice mask you have there,” he said, “the design is very special,” 

“Yes, my friend had it made for me,” I volunteered. 

“Must have been a very good friend,” he lamented. 

At this time, the waitress at the counter offered me my drink – a cold coffee with milk – they called it an iced mocha coffee, as the coffee was mixed with some powdered chocolate, to the right amount. I grabbed at it and I tried to ignore the man. But he did not give up. 

“After work?” again he ventured. 

I told myself I had nothing to do with this man, I was here only for a cup of coffee, and after coffee I would go home. So that I did not encourage him. 

He spoke again, “It must be difficult for you, not being able to travel,” 

“Yes, of course,” I said, as a matter of fact. 

“Have you been to Korea?” he asked. 

“No, I am sorry,” I said, although there was nothing that I needed to be sorry for.

“I guess you don’t have to, most people go there for plastic surgery,” the man continued. 

Seems like a compliment, so I smiled. 

And then suddenly I thought of Andrew again. So, I hurried on with my coffee, and finished it with one gulp. 

“I got to leave,” I said, although this was a public café, I was under no duty to inform him. I could just walk up and leave. 

“You haven’t given me your number,” the man said quietly. 

“Oh, we might meet here again, next time!” I was reluctant. He was still a stranger. 

And then I walked away, with a certain amount of confidence. 

Chapter 4

Tonight, after I consulted the Bible, I went to the bureau and adjusted the calendar. I turned back the pages, back to the date that Andrew was here, on the night of 25 December 2014, when we celebrated our last Christmas together. I knew that it was a futile attempt to bring back time, but looking at the date it comforted me, at least for a while. And then I called out some Christmas songs from my Google Nest.

Chapter 5

It was only in the morning when I arrived at the office that I realised that I haven’t paid the café for my iced mocha coffee yesterday. 

I tried to look for the café on the internet, hoping to call them and tell them that I would drop by later after work to make payment. I remembered that it was called the Monster Café. But that it was a small café, and I was not surprised when I couldn’t find the telephone number. 

Just as I was about to lapse into a state of bad mood, a man walked in. 

You couldn’t say that I was observant or that he was striking. But I remembered him – the man at the Monster Café yesterday. He was here at the gift shop! 

OMG! I am being stalked! 

“Hello,” the man smiled the moment he came in, I knew that he was greeting me. 

Of course, I was the only one in the shop. 

“Welcome, please feel free to browse around. Let me know if you see anything you like,” I said, I was told to say this the moment a guest turned up. 

And then I moved slightly aside, so that my customer could walk around freely and hopefully he would see something he liked. And hopefully it was something expensive. 

“Fancy this set of wine glasses?” I ventured. I was eager to make a sale. 

“They look nice,” the man didn’t object. 

“I could pack it up tightly for you, with foam and two layers of tissue paper,” I offered. 

“Yeah, not to worry. I only need to bring it into a taxi,” my customer said. 

“Huh?” I was a little surprised. 

“I am only here on a staycation,” he explained. 

“Oh, no wonder you sounded local,” I commented. 

“By the way, I do not need to have so many glasses. I do not entertain. I am not married,” he carried on, and then, 

“I am just browsing …. ” 

“We have some very nice ashtrays,” I said quickly, adding, “they’re all here,” pointing to the few porcelain ashtrays displayed next to the newspapers. I was eager to make a sale. I still couldn’t hit my daily target of one thousand dollars. 

“I don’t smoke,” my customer sounded apologetic. 

I began to study this man standing right in front of me now. I could see that his necktie was not very straight, perhaps done in a bit of a hurry. But I was wondering if he were telling me the truth, that he was a non-smoker. I went a little closer to see if I could smell nicotine from his body. But instead all I got was the Cologne he lavished on himself. 

Standing at close proximity we became acquainted immediately. 

“Fancy this pair of cuff links?” I asked. 

The man picked up the box, frowned, picked up the stuff, studied it, and he put it back again, saying, “Nice, but I have one too many.”   

Before the man got tired of browsing, I quickly brought him to the gift cards rack, in an attempt to detain him until he bought something. 

“These gift cards are nice, limited edition, printed locally, on our local scenes,” I took out a few cards. 

“No need to elaborate, I can see very well,” the man said. 

“See very well what?” I asked. 

“I can see very well that we are both having our masks on,” 

And then we both laughed. 

The atmosphere at once became cordial. 

“Listen, if I buy up all the items at this shop, would you come home with me?” he fired me point blank. 

Startled, “you must be joking,” I stammered. That must have been the most intelligent response I could give. 

And then I stormed out of the gift shop leaving all my merchandise at his disposal. 

Chapter 6

I still couldn’t help thinking of Andrew. The last time I saw him was yesterday, and I am due to see him again later, which was pretty soon. Andrew and I have not been on talking terms, simply because he was in a coma now. He couldn’t talk to me. I saw him every day after work, just before I was due to go home for dinner. Dinner I ate alone, because Andrew couldn’t eat with me. 

Yes, my husband Andrew had met with an accident since the day he was knocked down by the bus. The date I remembered very well – 20 April 2015. I rushed to the hospital from my office to see him, but I was just two minutes too late. The lapse was an eternity, without a proper goodbye and no clue as to when he may wake up to talk to me again. 

Today after work I was at the Greenland Hospital again. The room was in complete darkness when I entered, so I automatically walked up to the window to draw the thick velvety curtains. The nurse in baby blue uniform was changing the drip for Andrew. 

“Mrs Choo, do you have any children?” she asked. 

It was a little intrusive, so I replied, “No, why?” 

“I was thinking …” she continued, sort of hesitant. 

“He will wake up, won’t he?” I began to sound desperate. 

“In due course, I guess,” the nurse replied. 

I walked up to her and looked at her name tag, and I stared at it, hoping to use her reassurance as some sort of certainty. 

She backed off a little, and she quickly turned away and walked out of the room, before shutting the door behind her. 

I stood in the semi-darkness, curtains half drawn, and I made a silent prayer. Afterwards, I went to the side table to pour myself a cup of water, the water was actually meant for Andrew. 

I will drink the water of life for him. I said to myself. 

Half an hour later, Dr Jason came in. 

“Good evening! Good that you are here!” as usual he looked happy to see me. 

“Most family members would have stopped coming by now,” Dr Jason said. 

“Why?” I was surprised. 

“They see it as futile …” Dr Jason spoke softly. 

“But … the nurse said …” I tried to challenge the doctor, I knew what was coming. 

“It has been more than two months, if there was any hope, your husband would have showed some response,” Dr Jason elaborated. 

“So, you mean to say that we should just leave him in this state forever?!” I was getting hysterical. 

“As you know, the law here does allow for euthanasia,” Dr Jason continued, 

“and the cost of maintenance is high,” 

“unless you want to continue … but there are other patients who might need it …” he spoke with a kind of stammer, done deliberately to dilute the severity of his words. 

I couldn’t put an end to Andrew’s life, that would be murder. I had no right to decide if he ought to live or die, these matters are best left to God. But God wasn’t talking, He has to make a decision! If nothing else happens, Andrew would continue to live day after day by virtue of the life support machine. The machine cost three thousand dollars a day. I would never in my life spend three thousand dollars a day. 

Chapter 7

This morning I woke up after the alarm sounded for the third time, on repeat at a 5-minute interval. And then reluctantly I got out of bed. I went to the bathroom and realised that I had not prepared a clean set of clothes. 

Never mind, I will wear what I wore yesterday, no one would notice. I told myself. 

No one came into the gift shop today.

Chapter 8

On my way home, I dropped by to see Andrew again. Today I brought a recorder. I wanted to make sure that I recorded the last moments that Andrew shared with me. 

When your spouse died, a part of you died with him. But when he was alive by artificial means, and lived indefinitely, your relationship with him was a spoof, as he was only technically alive, and you didn’t know how long the status quo was going to be. You wanted him to be alive, but at the same time you wanted him to die as quickly as possible, just so that you could move on, back to the real world, the world in which you shared with other real people, no matter how unrelated they were to you. 

Yes, I have resolved not to wait for Andrew to wake up. As Dr Jason had put it, he would never wake up. What he would do was to continue lying there, in a state of consciousness connected only to himself. Everyone else couldn’t relate to him. 

For this I consulted several church leaders. I wanted to know if I should be the one to put an end to Andrew’s life – meaning to order the doctor-in-charge Dr Jason to turn off his life support machine. Decision making has never been harder. 

Over time, I found myself confronting with the prospect of life without Andrew. Already I am running the house all by myself, I made all the necessary decisions, like getting this job at the hotel, like what to eat for dinner, what to wear in the mornings. 

I knew that Dr Jason was waiting for me to pull the plug. But telling him to turn off the life support machine is murder civilised. They call it Euthanasia. But actually, it is cruelty in its most severe form. It is an affront to mankind. I don’t want to be known as “the woman who killed her husband”. No, I am not going to play God! 

Chapter 9

Doing my quiet time, I invariably came to the Book of Ecclesiastes: 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, … a time to kill and a time to heal, ….” 

The words jumped out at me. The time for decision making has come. I felt the Almighty telling me. 

And then I thought I heard a voice – “Life is short, don’t waste your time on Andrew anymore.” Startled, I got up from my kneeling position, and then I walked up to the altar to blow off the candle as a signal of my resolution and determination. 

Tomorrow I will speak to Dr Jason. 

Chapter 10

No one knew this. Not even the counsellor with whom I was in consultation with. But I guessed I had better tell you now, before I changed my mind. 

Every relationship has its ups and downs. You must endeavour your best if you wanted it to last. Andrew and I have been married for three years for now, and we have been childless. I was told that there was nothing wrong with us, that both of us were healthy and normal. I yearned for a child, but not Andrew. 

On 20 March 2015 – exactly one month before Andrew met with the accident. I received a report which informed me that Andrew was ill. He was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. The tumour will spread if he did not go for an operation straight away. I was shocked and devastated. But I did not tell anyone. Neither did I confront Andrew. He should tell me himself. 

Nothing came. No news. No word from Andrew. We sat at the dining table every night, and we exchanged information on what we did in the day. We talked about the latest news and sometimes we even ventured into politics. But no, nothing was said about the doctor’s report. 

Of course, I had contemplated calling it quits. But I couldn’t divorce Andrew now. It would make me look very bad. What ground could I use? I had promised to stay married to him “in sickness and in health” just three years ago at the altar. 

I still had not spoken to Dr Jason. 

Chapter 11

Ideally, I should drop Andrew and start a new life with Jeffrey. For after all Jeffrey was a very eligible man, rich and good looking, and unattached. But I found myself addicted to the notion of loyalty. I told myself that unless Andrew died, I won’t remarry. 

Andrew existed on a contingency, a contingency that he did not die. But that he also had stage 3 cancer. He would die of cancer, a cause unrelated to the coma. According to the medical science, he was brain dead, his body was winding down. Did that prevent the tumour cells in his body from spreading? No one could answer me as I did not speak to anyone about Andrew’s cancer. Andrew never told me he had cancer! 

I was not supposed to see the report from the oncologist. It was marked Private and Confidential. Although I did not have permission to read it at the time, I guess in the current context I could give myself access retrospectively. 

I didn’t think that you could point to the one moment that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was the increase in the stress and anxiety over time and, at some point, you said enough was enough. 

I picked up the name card that Jeffrey gave me at the gift shop. 

And then I rang the number and waited for the other end to pick up. 

I was going to tell Jeffrey about Andrew’s cancer. 

Chapter 12

Nobody has the right to forbid you from doing anything you felt like doing, if it was not illegal or immoral. 

I knew that soon I would become a widow and I have to say that I was actually looking forward to it. No one knows how your mind works except yourself. 

For reasons best known to myself, I started to log into the website. I typed on the search bar of the browser – will cancer spread in a person in a coma? – how much time does a person in a coma have with cancer? does a person in a comatose state die faster if he already had cancer? 

And the answer I got was that it was not faster than if they were awake. Andrew had been in coma for two months and ten days by now. Time was running out for him. 

So, logic told me that it would be best if I married Jeffrey. 

The call that I made that day went unanswered. 

But two days later Jeffrey walked into the gift shop. And he brought along a pendant which he opened right under my eyes. It was a butterfly engraved in diamonds! 

I knew what that meant. They said that a when a beloved departed, she came back as a butterfly. So, it wasn’t a proposal it was only an invitation to a fortuitous relationship. How long it would last depended on my performance. I saw this as a rejection for a long-term relationship which is marriage. For if he were sincere, he would have brought a ring. Jeffrey wasn’t married, according to him. Why couldn’t he have proposed? 

I was careful not to offend Jeffrey, since I already knew that he was an important man. Pretending that it was what I wanted, the pendant I meant, I picked it up from the box and I said thank you to the man. But then I quickly added, 

“You know, I am still married,” 

Jeffrey was shocked, taken aback, he said, “Oh, I don’t mean to sound rude, but why haven’t you mentioned it before?” 

“There was no reason to,” I said simply. 

“So, you have set me up for this? To buy you an expensive gift in order that you could reject me??” I could see the man’s face turning red. 

“I, err, I, …” 

And before I realised, Jeffrey walked out on me. 

I stood in the empty space, holding the box, the pendant still inside staring at me, as though making fun of me. 

I knew straight away that I was in trouble now. My prospect has walked out on me, and the current one was fading away, albeit through no fault of my own. Should I have accepted Jeffrey’s indecent proposal? After all it was just a beginning and the ring might come later. No one could tell these things. 

True enough, when I reported for work the next morning, Winnie was already in the gift shop waiting for me to turn up. 

The life support machine for Andrew cost three thousand dollars a day. My salary only paid for my food and lodging. I transited at the hospital every day, my transport cost has also increased. This morning I was just telling myself if I should avoid coffee at the Monster Café even though I needed to destress very badly. 

To cut the long story short, I was running out of cash. 

Winnie wasn’t unkind. She told me that it had nothing to do with my performance. The hotel was shutting down the gift shop due to a fall in sales. Covid-19 wasn’t good for the retail business, and new guests for our hotel were not visiting in the near future. 

But I knew that it had something to do with Jeffrey.

Chapter 13

Now I was given a good reason to discontinue Andrew’s life support. I simply could not afford to support Andrew anymore. Our common funds were being depleted. I calculated that the balance, if Andrew died now, minus the testamentary expenses, would only be enough to support me for another two years. And the fact was that Andrew was terminally ill and was going to die in any case.

As I lay in bed, having banked in the last pay cheque in the day, I took one more pill, an extra, to help me fall asleep. I have been suffering from insomnia since the news of Andrew’s cancer broke. The oncologist who gave me the news of Andrew’s diagnosis, was also allowed to prescribe sleeping pills. I fell asleep telling myself that I had better check with him on how long a cancer patient in a coma can live. 

I had not told Dr Jason that Andrew also suffered from cancer. Initially I was afraid that he would not supply us the use of the life support machine if he had known that Andrew was terminally ill. So, the decision has been made, backed by logic. God really has a way to plan these things! 

Chapter 14

With no work to do, this afternoon I took a bus to Wilshire House again. And I arrived at Monster Café.

I told myself to relax a little, three sleeping pills made me very sleepy the entire day. I only woke up at 12:30 p.m. 

“Good afternoon, Sir!” the waitress announced. 

I was just about to reproach her for calling me a man. What was wrong with her? I was wearing long hair, clearly, she could tell that I was a woman not a man! 

And then I heard Jeffrey’s voice! 

“May I know your name? The last time you said that we might meet here again …” 

“Huh?” 

Ok! I have never given Jeffrey my name!

I quickly groped for the butterfly pendant. It wasn’t on my neck. But it was too late to wear it now. I fumbled in my speech … 

“Err … hi … Jeffrey ……” 

“Why are you so afraid? Have you ordered your coffee?” 

“I was just about to … ” I said.  

“In that case let me order it for you,” 

“It is iced mocha coffee, right?” he asked. 

“Your … husband … why are you always alone?” the enquiry came. 

“He is dead, I mean, he is dying,” I confessed. 

“You are sure? Not joking?” the man looked surprised, and somewhat elated. 

“I mean, he was in a coma, now on a life support machine,” I looked genuinely miserable when I said this. 

“Then, how are you managing your funds?” Jeffrey became concerned. 

“I don’t know, that’s why I am here,” I said. 

“To look for me?” the man laughed. 

“Obviously not! How would I know that you are here?!” I smiled as well. 

“Ok, live with me and let me pay for all the hospital expenses. We can’t get married whilst your husband is still alive.” Jeffrey took the lead. 

And then he lamented, “it could take a long while, people on life support can last forever.” 

No! Not Andrew! 

I needed to tell Jeffrey the truth now. Andrew has cancer. An aggressive cancer can metastasize in 3 months of time. Andrew has been in coma for 72 days by now. He will soon die. That was a certainty. Andrew will die! 

“Wait!” I said. 

It was time for disclosure. I will tell Jeffrey about the oncologist’s report. 

“My husband has cancer,” I said quietly. 

“What?!” his face changed, followed by, 

“I thought you said coma.” 

“Then why did you reject my proposal the other day?” he sounded confused. 

“I wanted a long-term relationship,” I told the man the truth. 

“My wife just passed away, I wanted you to emulate her, just for a time, until we get married,” he explained. 

Then our eyes locked. 

We knew what we had to do now. 

In any case Andrew will die, to put it in chronological terms, in 18 days’ time, assuming we could actually time death. 

The life support machine cost three thousand dollars a day, plus all the hospital expenses including consultation, it will come up to no less than seventy thousand dollars. We will just wait for time to lapse. 

Chapter 15

At night after my shower, it was my quiet time. Again I found myself drawn to the verse in Ecclesiastes: “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, … a time to kill and a time to heal, … a time to mourn and a time to dance, …” I told God I did not need a ring from Jeffrey. He has paid for my peace of mind and calmed my troubled soul. I need not be known as “the woman who killed her husband”. 

And then I lit the candle at the altar and let it illuminate the entire night.

Rebecca in her taffeta ….

Chapter 1

If you did not see anyone in front of you with your naked eyes, that meant that there was no one around and that you could safely undress. However, you must always lock your door, even if you were the only one in the entire house.   

The violence inside the mall last night left no dent on the majesty of the building. The altercation that happened had shattered the glass wall of the Summerset Restaurant. No replacement had been installed yet.    

I was just there last night.

Chapter 2

Whenever I was at the Landmark Mall, I never failed to drop by at the Hourglass Figure to visit her.    

She wore a black dress. The dress was an evening gown with sequins sewn all over. There could be at least a thousand, or a lot more than that. I marvelled at the workmanship. I couldn’t sew, but that even if I could, I would never have the patience to make myself do such an elaborate piece.   

Chapter 3

The first day of work was always full of apprehension and anxiety. I picked a cream-coloured blouse and a denim skirt. For telemarketing I didn’t think that I needed to be so formal. I liked denim because it was easy to match.   

Once I started work, I found that the women in my office were dressed modestly. Most of them wore plain colours. But Mrs Chew my immediate supervisor the department head stood out with her frizzy hair. She claimed that she has never permed her hair in her entire life, that the curls were completely natural.  

I shared a table with a guy called Walter Sim. Walter was young and inexperienced. Often I heard him shouting over the phone,   

“Don’t hang up yet, let me finish …” and invariably the other side had already hung up on him.   

I looked at Walter, and I began to feel sorry for the both of us.    

After work, I walked around to the nearby Landmark Mall and found myself again at the eating house called the Summerset Restaurant. I stood at the entrance but no one came to usher me in. I knew that my salary was meagre. But how would they know that I had no money? After I called out hello several times, the waitress couldn’t pretend not to notice me anymore. She knew that I would refuse to budge, and as she came by, she said,    

“Madam, we are closing very soon, the last order is at 8:30 pm,”  

“8:30 pm? You mean it is 8:30 pm already?” I too started to act up.   

“Have you decided on the diced chicken yet?” at least she had some memory. Between last night and tonight I guess there were less than fifty customers. This wasn’t a very popular restaurant.    

When the food came, I relished the diced chicken and lapped up the entire gravy.   

After the dinner, I had to walk through the part where the garbage were thrown all over the ground. I always wanted to know who was in charge of this state of affairs. And then the question would inevitably come to my mind –  what did they do with Claire’s body? Did they dump her in a rubbish bag and throw her away? Did they cremate her properly?

Chapter 4

This was an innocuous Sunday. I took just myself out without the usual umbrella. The only difference in my appearance was that I wore my sunglasses. And of course, my handphone was with me.    

Three steps and I reached the security guard post. The man was friendly, and I always greeted him by name.    

“Morning Zubin,” I would say.   

The man nodded his head to indicate that he noted my presence. He was a very enthusiastic worker, and apparently, he recognised each and every one of us in the estate. I was told that he had been working in this estate for almost thirty years since its development.    

Although a Sunday which meant that I did not have to report to the office, I found myself in front of the Hourglass Figure at Landmark Mall.   

Admiring the black taffeta I stood, with my hands behind my back, I thought I heard a voice, “Good morning, how are you today?”   

I knew at once that it was Rebecca talking to me.    

But that she was a mannequin. How could she talk? Nonetheless I answered her, “Sure. How can I help you?”   

“I feel very hot in here,” she said.   

“I can’t adjust the thermostat for you, I think this is central air-conditioning,” I said.   

“No, it is this dress, it is suffocating,” she complained.   

The dress was an off shoulder, and I could see that it was made of taffeta.   

I was curious. Under ordinary circumstances I would have gone in to speak to the salesgirl, and to make some enquires. The taffeta was very attractive, I knew that I couldn’t afford it. But of course, Rebecca didn’t know. Rebecca was the mannequin. I didn’t know why I gave her the name Rebecca, but that was the word that popped up in my mind whenever I was standing in front of her. And no, I didn’t know of any other person by that name. It was randomly assigned to my brains.   

Chapter 5

Tonight, after work, I found myself doing my expense chart my Excel spread sheet again. The figures do not balance, and I found myself in debit. My Mastercard was overdue by another two thousand and forty-six dollars and I still needed to pay for my utilities bill.    

“Ok, I mustn’t turn on the lights,” I told myself.   

And then, “I mustn’t turn on the tap so often,” I resolved.   

I lived alone and was given five key cards to my apartment. All my drawers each have a lock and every single lock in the house was securely locked whenever I left the house.    

You could say that I was paranoid. It was not that I had a lot of money, I just didn’t trust anyone I saw. Yes, you were right, the reason was that things have been stolen from me before. It was not a lot of money; they were jewellery that Mark had given me reminding me of a time when I was still young and beautiful.    

I was already thirty-nine, most people would have at least been made a manager or at least an associate by now. But I was working as a telemarketer at the Talkative Bureau. It was definitely not an ideal job, and I was waiting for a time when I could move out into a proper job. By proper job I meant some job where I could use more of my brains. This telemarketing was essentially a clerical position.    

The salary I earned from the job could barely pay for my food and utilities bill, apart from the maintenance sum for the apartment.   

Friends and family had disapproved of my divorce, saying that I was stupid, as Mark was more than eligible for any woman, and a plain woman such as myself. Even my divorce lawyer Lee Lay Eng who handled the case tried to persuade me out of it, despite the fact that she could benefit from the fees she earned. Lee Lay Eng was a reputable lawyer, and a successful lawyer at that. No, I did not cry in front of Lee Lay Eng.   

It was difficult to get a divorce, as none of us committed any wrong. But I had to do it, not after he told me to abort Claire. I had to do it for Claire.  

Chapter 6

My job was stressful. The stress came from the sheer boring nature of the work. No chance of entertaining, which meant that there wasn’t a reason to dress up, and I did not meet even my bosses. I sat at a desk with just a telephone and a notebook and several pens.  

So that after work I found myself in the Landmark Mall again. The mall was just opposite my office past the pop-up café. 

For reasons unknown I walked to Hourglass Figure to see Rebecca again. No, she has not changed. Her face was as serene as ever, without a trace of makeup. But of course, she was a mannequin. No one ever put makeup on plastic. I thought I saw her open her month, so I went closer.   

And then I heard Rebecca, “to take revenge you have to go back to look for the aggressor, there are several ways to do that, you can go back in time, like a time traveller …  ”

Automatically I continued for her, “but going back in time you would require a lot of imagination, if you can’t find the villain in your present life, and you would have to lug your entire baggage with you. So, the best way is to move forward and live your life as though you had never been bullied … ”    

I carried on, my mind thinking of Mark.  

Rebecca was looking at me. Her eyes big and wide.  

“Have you ever been bullied before?” I became curious and asked.   

“I was abandoned by my mother,” Rebecca said quietly.   

This was a very bizarre statement, coming from a mannequin. Of course, she was abandoned by her maker the craftsman. As far as I was concerned, a mannequin has no life and was not enabled to think. She was not even a robot! Robots were programmed and has artificial intelligence.    

Chapter 7

Over time, I had become engrossed with the daily interaction. I needed to see Rebecca every day to find out if she were still wearing the black taffeta. For if they changed her out of it, I would purchase it at all costs. I didn’t want to remove it from her whilst she was still wearing it.   

Most people would see nothing wrong with taking clothes off a mannequin. As a matter of fact most boutiques change the clothes on their mannequins in their display regularly.    

It has been a week, no, two weeks, and Hourglass Figure still hasn’t changed her.    

I wanted to go in to ask the salesgirl why they were so lazy but I knew that I had to give a reason for my enquiry perhaps suggesting that I wanted to buy the taffeta. I was poor, I still couldn’t make a balance on my Excel spread sheet. If nothing else, I was severely distressed.    

So again I found myself confronting Rebecca.   

“When are they changing you?” I asked.    

“Your guess are as good as mine,” she answered.   

“Do you want me to ask them for you?” I was beginning to feel sorry for her. As she said, it was very hot in that taffeta.    

“No, I am not at liberty to protest,” the poor woman replied.   

“Rebecca, if you want me to talk to them I would, just say yes,” I told her the truth. As I said, I wanted an excuse to change her out of that huge dress. It was not a wedding dress, a wedding dress was usually white. Once they take it off her, I would step in and bargain for it.    

But that I have another reservation. I didn’t wear black. I was a superstitious person. Black is a universal mourning colour. If you looked at the newspapers often enough, you would find that eighty percent of the people who found themselves in trouble with the law appeared in black. But of course some people looked good in black, especially if they were overweight. Lawyers were allowed only to wear black and white to court.   

I was not a lawyer, just a staff of Talkative Bureau doing cold calls. By cold calls I meant that I was given daily a sheet of a hundred to two hundred names for me to call making invitations for bookings on a booth at an exhibition hall belonging to this company that I am working at. Talkative Bureau was a company that sells space.    

My work was often exasperating. I worked long hours from 9:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., with only an hour in between to grab a quick lunch at Starbucks. Then I would rush back to the office to continue with the list. My performance was based on the number of calls I made. The more successful calls I made, the more points I scored. I was paid by the hour and the points I earned would determine my salary. If I resigned before the contract ended I would have to pay back the company twice the amount of my weekly salary.    

As I said, I couldn’t afford the black taffeta.    

Rebecca looked regal in it. She deserved it. She could stand and not move on hours at a stretch. And every time I went to see her she was holding the same posture. Oh yeah, I forgot that she was a mannequin.   

Mannequins didn’t move.   

Chapter 8

I noticed that Walter came in everyday with a new shirt every morning, and that they were obviously branded, the logo of the Ralph Lauren boldly sewn onto the expensive fabric. The only thing he didn’t change was his belt, which was a Gucci with the two Gs buckle. His pants were tailor made and fitted him exactly, not an inch too long or too short. I marvelled at his impeccable dress sense.  

But there was something odd about him. He never looked me in the eye whenever he spoke to me. Believe me I tried to engage him. However, all in all it was fruitless. And after a while I gave up trying. I knew that I hadn’t offended him in any way, for if I did, he wouldn’t even speak to me in the first place.  

We exchanged a pleasant “wish you luck,” every now and then in the course of our phone calls which often went unanswered. I began to take more coffee and I even brought my own condense milk to sweeten the coffee as the item was not provided for in the office supply.   

“Hi Carmen, could I borrow some of your condense milk?” today out of the blue Walter asked.   

It would be rude to say no, so of course I said yes, but I couldn’t help teasing the man by quipping,  

“Borrow? How are you going to return me the exact amount?”  

“I will buy you a new can,” and then, “by the way, must it be Dutch Lady?” he asked.  

Surprised by the fact that he knew the brand, as men didn’t usually notice these things, I quickly replied,   

“So long as it is condensed, not evaporated,”   

And before he ventured into the topic of evaporated milk, I quickly picked up the phone and started,  

“Hello, may I have two minutes of your time, Sir?”  

…. 

Chapter 9

Life went on. It had been a month since I joined, and already it felt like half a year had gone by. And I still had not seen Walter’s entire wardrobe. So that today I plucked up the courage to ask him,  

“How many shirts of these do you have?”  

“Hey! You noticed! Was afraid that you didn’t!”  

I was sure that these shirts were not meant to impress me.  

We were holding the same position, so naturally I knew how much he earned. With his kind of salary, it was impossible to afford this type of expenditure. I decided that Walter must have been doing some other jobs elsewhere. If he could hold another position that paid a huge sum, I wanted that too!  

Walter seemed to have read my mind, “I could talk to you about it during dinner. Are you free tonight?” he offered.  

Of course, I am free.  

“Yes, we go straight from here after work. Where would you like to go?” I asked, trying very hard to sound casual.  

“The Summerset Restaurant. It is just around the corner, next to the  Hourglass Figure.”   

Bingo!  

“Ok then, let me try and finish off these calls as soon as I can,” I quickly accepted the offer.  

“Hello, may I have two minutes of your time, Sir?” I began once more.  

Chapter 10

The road to the Landmark Mall was straight forward. No turning of side lanes, all you needed to do was to make a zebra crossing. The traffic was not too heavy as this was not strictly a business district. I managed to see Walter’s footwear this time, and it was definitely another designer. It had tussles on it and frankly speaking this wasn’t the type of shoes that befitted telemarketing, not that I wanted to demean myself.  

Walter was business like, although this was after office hours and that we were supposed to be casual now. I wanted to ask him why he walked so fast. Wearing my four-inch heals I found it hard to catch up with him.  

But nonetheless we arrived at the Summerset Restaurant.   

“Sit down,” the moment we arrived Walter ordered me.  

I had no reason to defy him, so I took the seat facing the window. I was wondering how he had become so bossy. We were supposed to be colleagues.  

And then we ordered some beef ginger and two bowls of hot and sour soup, no vegetables.  

“You must help me,” Walter went straight to the point.  

This seemed like a deviation. My purpose of dinner was to ask him if he was making money elsewhere. If it were stocks and shares, then I would want to know which counters to buy from. But nonetheless I was patient enough to entertain him, maybe after helping him, he would give me some tips.  

“Of course, I would try my best to help you, but how?” I spoke.  

“My father is very old, to be precise he is ninety-four this year,” Walter began.  

“And then?” I followed suit.  

“He wants to see me get married before he conks off,” the man continued. 

Not so sure I could help him there.  

“You have a girl friend?” I asked, still very indifferent. I was a divorced woman the man couldn’t have been interested in me.  

“Precisely,” he was clearer now.  

“So, you want me to help you find a girl friend?” I wasn’t offering myself. I was never interested in Walter. He was too young for me.  

“If you don’t mind my saying so, you would make an ideal candidate,” the man was unequivocal.  

I quickly tugged at my skirt, pulling it lower. Luckily, we were not sitting on the same side of the table.  

“Walter, I think you are drunk,” I quickly replied, although we both knew that we hadn’t consumed any alcohol. It was too early in the night. The sun was just setting.  

“Carmen, not to worry, I won’t touch you. I am gay,” the man came clean, but I was not so sure if he were telling the truth. For someone cisgender it was difficult to comprehend.

So that I replied, “Listen, you shouldn’t be telling me this, Walter. I would pretend that I didn’t hear,” but I couldn’t help by asking,  

“Does your dad know about this?”   

“No, of course not. That was why he wants me to produce an heir for him,” the man sounded dejected.  

“Do you have any brothers and sisters?” I asked.  

“No, that’s the problem,” he lamented.  

“Ok, so I see no way out of this,” I wasn’t encouraging.  

At this point in time, I could only offer solutions, so I tried my best, “Marry someone with a child, and to pretend that her son belongs to you,” I said.

“Bingo!” he yelled,  

“That was why I am asking you Carmen, you have a son.”   

How did he know?

I was getting quite perturbed by now, so that I decided to take a sip of the orange juice that I ordered just now on an impulse. I looked at Walter, and this time he stared right back at me, unlike the previous occasions. Flabbergasted at the sudden proposition, my voice came across as soft and hesitant.  

“How much are you going to pay me for this?” I said, I had realised by now that I need not trade on the stock market to gain extra income. This was a perfect way to earn money! And I need not even put in any capital!  

“How much do you want?” Walter fired the question back at me.  

I had not asked for this in the first place, so that I did not know the market price for this type of transaction.  

Finally, Walter opened his mouth, “How about three thousand a month?  

This was double the pay at Talkative Bureau!

Without thinking I said yes.  

Once the deal was concluded, there didn’t seemed any purpose in the dinner. We did not exchange further conversations except to comment on the taste of the food, and then we parted ways at the entrance of the Summerset Restaurant.  

There was no purpose in exchanging a goodnight kiss, since there was no guest to witness this. Not to mention that Walter wasn’t inclined.   

I left the man and was happy to be able to take a Grab home this time.  

Although spending on projected income was not a good habit.  

Chapter 11

I have missed Rebecca since I started having dinner with Walter. But hey, today she was not in the same position. Rebecca was sitting down. They gave her a chair! 

I saw that the chair was a nice looking antique chair, and expensive too.   

Time was up! Instinctively I sensed that something was going to change and if I didn’t act fast enough, Rebecca would be changed out of the black taffeta.

Immediately I walked in to the Hourglass Figure.

“Hello there! Is there anyone in?” I sounded a little desperate.

A girl with long hair in a black skirt came out from behind a counter. OMG! She in black too!

“Excuse me,” I said, “Could you let me know how much this piece costs? The one that the mannequin is wearing,” pointing to Rebecca.

The girl went up to Rebecca, all ready to take off the black taffeta to show me. I think she knew that I liked it very much. As she was taking off her arm, she elaborated,

“Oh, it is a pre-loved item. We are selling it cheap. We would release it for less than a thousand, to be exact, for eight-hundred.”

“Sing dollars?” I asked, I couldn’t believe the price.

“Yes, in SGD. And you could pay by instalment,” the girl added.

Without a second thought, I took out my credit card and offered it to the girl, “let me pay for the first instalment, don’t undress her yet!”

“Ma’am, she is a mannequin, you don’t need to close the door,” the girl looked at me with a queer expression.

Apart from the fact that I didn’t want to undress her, if I paid for the dress now I would have to bring it home. I won’t have a chance to come in here to talk to Rebecca anymore.

Chapter 12

Mark came to see me today. He brought some strawberries which I liked so much, with whipped cream and all that.    

“The Covid has affected me as well, my salary was halved, and I am living on very little savings …. ” he began. But I wasn’t listening.   

“Tell me, what if Claire was a boy … did you know that she was a girl?’ I asked, not following his trend of thoughts.  

“Huh?” Mark wasn’t on the same trend of thoughts …   

“What did you say?” he asked.   

“I said, did you know that Claire was a girl?” I asked again.   

“Of course not!” Mark took stock of what I said now.    

“Why would I want to abort if I knew that she was a boy?” he added.  

“That means that you knew that she was a girl?!” I became enraged.  

“No, no one knows the sex of the child beforehand, not when you were only 6 weeks pregnant … and in any case …. ” Mark’s voice was getting louder.

“I thought we agreed that we didn’t want her because she was conceived during Covid times … and it would be difficult to carry it through … you had to take the vaccination … and it won’t be safe for the child …” Mark muttered, it came out so smoothly because he has said it a thousand times.    

“I was just wondering … ” I said, I knew that it was futile to argue with him. Claire was already gone, and I was still full of regrets.   

“Did you hear what I said about salary?” Mark went back to the original topic.  

“Oh? You mean money?”    

What is money compared to life?   

And then my mind drifted away, I started to chew on the strawberries and lapped up the whipped cream.   

Mark sat there looking at me, and after a while when he knew that I wasn’t actually there, he picked up his handphone and walked to the door,  

“I will drop by to see you again,” he threw the sentence at me and then he left.  

I sat on the sofa, only then I remembered that I always turned on the television whenever I was home.

Chapter 13

Finally the time came for me to make the final payment for Rebecca’s dress. I could not delay it any longer. I had to allow the salesgirl to take the black taffeta off Rebecca.

As the salesgirl was trying to undress Rebecca, I saw her take her left arm off. This time without hesitation I yelled,

“Wait! Don’t take her arm away!” startled, the salesgirl turned and looked at me,

“Is anything the matter ma’am?” she said.

“How could you dismantle her arm?” I used the word ‘dismantle’ so that meant that I was still sane.

And then I heard a voice, “It’s ok, I am just a mannequin, I have no life.” 

“Wait! Rebecca, you are telling me that you have no life???” I talked to Rebecca right in front of the salesgirl.

“Ma’am, she is plastic and essentially a doll,” the salesgirl said.

I stood in front of the both of them, my pulse quickening, and as I put my hand onto my chest to feel the regular rhythm of my own heartbeat, then it occurred to me that Rebecca was imaginary. The real Rebecca Claire died a long time ago in a remote place in the St. Peter’s Hospital. And the make believe Claire by the given name of Rebecca never existed. How many more ‘Claire’s can I create? How many more ‘Claire’s must be born before I would forgive myself? 

Chapter 14

To commit an act of abortion you must be brutal and wicked.  

At night I found myself alone again, surrounded by darkness but not overwhelmed by it. I liked darkness I like the calmness it brought. In the dark, there was nothing much you could do except to pray. But since Claire died I had stopped praying.   

In retrospect, I think it was fair to say that I was naïve. It was mea culpa. I had not given it a second thought I had wanted to take the stress off because Mark didn’t want to admit paternity. I didn’t understand the full implication of my decision, but then no one advised me against it either.   

I had thought that when I walked out of the hospital that was the end of the matter. But human beings simply didn’t die. They exist in the nascent state. Their souls hovered over the atmosphere and it decided on where to land. If the person was good, it would simply enter a good man and amalgamate with his present form. The soul and body at once became the same person, with a little change in mood and temperament. 

Chapter 15

Mark came to see me again today.

“I heard that you have been going out with a guy called Walter lately,” he began, almost like a cross-examination.

What has this got to do with him? We were divorced!

Instead of which I said, “Yes, he is a colleague of mine, we work in the same company,” followed by,

“Do you mind?” as though seeking for permission.

“Of course not, just that it may affect your reputation. Even if you don’t care, George might not like it,”

It was always George. Mark had been using George to blackmail me since day one.

I still needed to receive the maintenance. I didn’t want him to stop sending me the one thousand and eight hundred dollars. So I quickly added, 

“Can I see George this weekend?” 

“Of course, he has been asking about you,” it sounded like a threat from Mark. I was not ready to see George yet. Not when I haven’t bought him a present. 

George knew that I won’t be seeing him until Christmas. I told him that specifically. Surely he knew when Christmas was, it was when there were Christmas trees and carols were sung everywhere.

“No, actually Mark, I am not so sure it would be a good idea, I still need time to adjust,” I said. 

“You still haven’t gotten over the operation?” Mark asked.

“Abortion” is taboo in our vocabulary. 

“I dream of her every day you know, Mark,” I said, almost begging for sympathy. 

“I told you to forget about it,” Mark was firm.

“But I can’t! I still think that I should have carried it through,” I was pathetic.

“Look! We’ve been through this a million times, if it weren’t dangerous I won’t ask you to do it.” Mark started to get angry.

“All my life I had wanted a girl … ” I began to sob.

“Ok, let me put in another thousand dollars for you … you are not short of money yet, are you?”

“Oh, one thousand dollars would be fine, I need it soon,” immediately I confirmed the provision.

“So do you want to see George?” before he left Mark asked.

“Err, if you bank in the cheque later, I can see it the day after, I will have time to prepare something for George, maybe a toy car or something … yes … will Sunday be fine?”

Mark saw that his purpose was being achieved, so he concluded by saying, 

“I will bring him around to your apartment on Sunday at around 2:00 p.m. and pick him up at 9:00 p.m., so you could bring him out for dinner as well,” sounded like an order. For one thousand dollars, why not?

Chapter 16

The dinner at Summerset Restaurant was now a habit rather than by invitation. I was nearing forty, and under normal circumstances, one would have been too old to secure even a side glance. But Walter was interested in me, for reasons mentioned as aforesaid, best known to the both of us. But he still hasn’t seen George, and now it had become imperative for me to produce George to show his father a stranger. 

I worked at a way to secure the meeting, and a logical reason to explain why Walter had hidden George from his own father for so long. George was three and a half now, and when did Walter and I got married?

At this point in time, I realised that I must produce a marriage certificate or at least a birth certificate to prove that George was indeed the biological child of Walter. Ok! Now I know! George and Walter must meet in person.

Without due delay, I took out my handphone and rang Mark.

“Is that Mark?” I began even before he had spoken.

“What is it Carmen? You are not going to cancel the appointment on Sunday are you?” Mark’s voice.

“No, of course not, could I bring another person along?” I asked softly.

“Not Walter I hope,” Mark was most unfriendly.

“Yes, it is Walter,” I confessed.

“Why. Don’t tell me he is going to be George’s step-father.” Mark made it sound as though I was doing something wrong. 

“No, it’s a lot more complicated than this,” I said.

“It is complicated enough as it is now already, George needs a mother and I am not sure if I can wait for you indefinitely,” Mark said.

Wait for me indefinitely! I thought we were divorced!

“Just hear me out, Mark, maybe we could meet tonight … ”

“I am busy tonight until Sunday,” Mark gave me no alternative.

“Ok,” I tried to sound cheerful, and then I hung up the phone.

Chapter 17

I was in trouble now, and I think that you knew that I was in trouble now. I have made a deal with one man by the name of Walter Sim, and I was still accepting money from my ex-husband so that I was accountable to him for my actions. 

How did I solve the puzzle?

How many lies would I have to make in order to put every piece of puzzle in place?

To have Walter’s name as the father on George’s birth certificate Mark would have to give up paternity and let Walter adopt him. This was almost impossible as there was no reason for Mark to disown his son, unless there were sufficient reason and consideration. Walter was rich not on his own accord, but by virtue of his father the old man Sim. 

So that now I would have to come clean. Come clean meaning to say that I have to declare that George was Walter’s biological child conceived out of wedlock, and that after giving birth to George I had married Mark. And for that I must seek Mark’s collaboration. 

All along my relationship with Mark was cordial but not excellent. Occasionally we brought out the past and we squabbled over the accuracy of the facts. Of course Claire was always the trigger. I always secured a reaction from Mark whenever I used Claire’s name, in order to make him feel guilty.

So now, all I needed was to get George to come out alone with me, and then bring him to see Walter to meet his father Mr Sim. But how do I get George to address Walter as “daddy” and not “uncle”? This was a challenge. Children didn’t know how to play act.

For this, I consulted Rebecca.

So that I arrived at the Hourglass Figure at 7:30 p.m. again after work. No, I did not eat at Summerset Restaurant with Walter tonight. I needed to get a second opinion before I was due to see George and Mark on Sunday. 

“Hey, woman, they increased the temperature of the air-conditioning to follow the Green Plan,” Rebecca said the moment she saw me.

I stood outside the display, the temperature outside was lukewarm as usual, “Hi Rebecca, I have a problem now,” I began.

“Speak, woman,” I heard Rebecca.

“I need my son George to change father,” I came to the crux of the matter.

“Change father! Fatherhood cannot be altered!” Rebecca was shocked. 

“No, I mean, err, I mean that my son George was actually the son of Walter, but that he has been living with another man by the name of Mark,” I quickly made out a case, a plausible story.

“So now you want to change the fatherhood from Mark to Walter or Walter to Mark?” 

“From Mark to Walter, is it possible?”

“I don’t know about you human beings, so far for me you could change my father’s name or even my mother’s name, all you need do is buy over the copyright,”

“And by the way, I don’t have a set of parents, I only have a mother, the person who crafted me was a woman,” Rebecca continued, she looked remarkably relaxed.

Maybe she knew that I had almost finished paying for the black taffeta and that she would be off it soon.

Chapter 18

When I was sure that Walter wasn’t going to have dinner with me tonight I decided that I would go and see Rebecca, perhaps make payment for the final instalment. As I was walking towards the entrance I encountered a thin man in a grey tie and dark blue suit. His moustache made him noticeable. He saw me, but instead of walking ahead he paused just before we reached the entrance, and opened the door for me. 

Grateful that I was given some accordance, since I was just a small fry in the company, I quickly pressed for the first floor and then the surprise came, 

“I know that you are in trouble,” he said, at that time there were only the two of us. 

“Sir,” I addressed him, he was in a suit which meant that he must be higher in hierarchy in Talkative Bureau than myself. 

“I am not so sure what you mean?” I had to pretend.

“You must always tell the truth and if you want to lie you must stick to one version,” he said.

Immediately I linked it to the conversations I had with Rebecca. This man must have heard me. And if this were the case, there was no need to hide it anymore. So I said,

“Maybe you could recommend me a lawyer who could do adoption. And then, is it possible to register a marriage in retrospective effect?” I said it all in one go, releasing all of my anxiety.

“But how did you know of my predicament?” I had to ask, in case it wasn’t because of Rebecca.

“Your husband Walter told me,” the man said as he dished out his name card, “this is me, my name is David,”  

The card had his name embossed in gold, very impressive.

And he called Walter my husband. It would seem that there was no way out now. 

“Thank you, Mr CEO,” I said, in a bid to curry favour. I was poor, and I was still thinking of my credit card bill.

“Look for me anytime you need help,” with that final word, Mr David Lim the CEO walked out of the lift.

I went home straight from the office and I had a microsleep.

The phone rang. But I didn’t bother to pick it up. Only Mark knew my number, and I was on the way to cheating on him.    

Chapter 19

“Mummy,” George said the moment he saw me. “Want some ice cream?” I asked. That was one of the ways I used to check if he still remembered our last excursion. 

“Listen George, mummy will bring you to see a man, an old man.” I emphasised the word old because I wanted him to pay more attention to Mr Sim when he met him.

“Don’t say too many things in front of him, just be sure to say the word ‘daddy’ a few times in front of him.

“Ok! Mummy!” George was so compliant.

When I reached home after the excursion that night, I found the microwave and reheated the curry puff which I bought from the pop-up café. I could not remember if I had given the toy car to George or was it lost in the tour.    

And then without changing out of my clothes I fell asleep on the bed, the comfort of the soft pillows and sheets waiting for me.    

Chapter 20

There seemed no other place to meet except at the Summerset Restaurant. Walter and I have been so regular that the restaurant had decided to give us a discount for our meals. They also knew what dishes we planned to order even before we sat down so that we need not take the trouble to plough through the menu. 

“So you are Carmen,” the first thing the old man Sim said when he saw me.

“Yes, Mr Sim,” I answered differentially.

“No need to be so formal, just call me dad,” the old man said, he looked a bit intimidating. 

I saw him take his scarf off his collar, then he adjusted his lapel. And after a long silence, he spoke,

“Why haven’t you come to see me earlier before,”

“Err, oh, err, …. ” I looked at Walter for help.

“Dad, we didn’t think that you would be too happy about the fact that George was born before we were registered,” Walter chipped in.

“Well, it’s not too late now,” Mr Sim, no, dad said.

“I would think that George sounds a little too plain, why not call him Charles, since the name is associated to the first in line to the British throne,” dad said.

“Oh yes of course, anything you say, dad,” Walter was all out to please his father.

“And why not hold a wedding celebration to let all our friends and relatives know that you are part of our family?” dad suggested, looking in my direction.

“It would be superfluous,” Walter came in my defence.

And then thank God the waitress didn’t forget to serve us, so that we could pause conversations.

As fate would have it, Mark walked in at this point in time.

OMG! The minute I saw Mark. 

Please, please don’t come here, go have dinner elsewhere!

But Mark didn’t hear my wish, he saw us, and he walked towards our table.

“Nice company you have there, Carmen,” he greeted the rest without looking at me.

“Err, this is Mark,” I said, turning to Mr Sim. And then I looked at Mark pleadingly, 

“Mark, this is Walter’s father Mr Sim,” I quickly rearranged the expression on my face before turning to Mr Sim again.

“To be precise, Sim Leng How,” the old man added.

“Oh ok, sorry I didn’t know your full name, dad,” I still had to call him dad. My money depends on my giving the appropriate form of address.

“How did you know that I am here?” I quickly asked, in order to stop Mark from saying anything that would jeopardise the stage show.

“A little bird told me,” Mark was sarcastic.

And then without another word, he grabbed Walter, who was sitting by the side of the two seater, and he punched him with his fist.

Walter fell backwards, his head hit the backrest of the sofa, and then he sprung back. Recovering, he stood up to confront Mark. Now I could see clearly that Mark was taller than Walter. Mark gave Walter another punch using the same fist, but this time Walter was more prepared. He grabbed Mark by his hand, and then he threw him like you would throw a basketball, right towards the other table. The two guests who were seated there earlier on had left by now.

By this time the manager of the restaurant had been summoned. He came and stood in between Mark and Walter, and he shouted,

“Stop, or I will call the police!”

The reluctant waitress also came by. She quickly attended to the rest of us at the table, and with swiftness of actions, she proceeded to pack up all the plates and sauces on the table.

George cried, and then Mr Sim was saying, “What is happening? Who is this?” before collapsing onto the chair and passed out.

Mr Sim died of heart attack on 15 January 2021. 

Chapter 21

I saw David Lim at the office on 5 February 2021 when I returned to work. As usual we met at the entrance. 

“Hello Mr Lim, my problem has been solved,” I was more than cheerful.

“So soon?” he seemed to look too excited for my liking.

“I am going to resign soon,” I said.

“You’ve been given the sack?” the man asked.

“No, I don’t have to work now, and I plan to do freelancing,” I replied.

“Freelancing what?” he was curious.

“I will be selling houses, since now I have collected the skill of selling spaces,” as usual I was making projections, based on the lump sum inheritance that Walter would share with me. 

“Great! And I will be your first customer,” the man couldn’t have been serious.

“By the way, I am free tonight, would you like to go somewhere near and eat? I know of a restaurant called Summerset,just inside the Landmark Mall,” an instant invitation.

Fine. Since this was going to be my first customer. As they said, ‘Customer is King’.

We need not walk too far to reach the Summerset Restaurant.

The road to the Landmark Mall was straight forward. No turning of side lanes, all you needed to do was to make a zebra crossing. The traffic was not too heavy as this was not strictly a business district.

The same reluctant waitress.

This time she attended to the two of us immediately without due delay.

“A new male company?” she remarked, I could detect a note of sarcasm.

The minute we sat down, she offered me the menu.

“Thank you, Stacy!” David Lim said.

How did he know the name of the waitress?

“Sorry Mr Lim, we haven’t repaired the damage,” Stacy said.

“No problem, we came here only for the food,” David Lim sounded like the boss.

“Mark has been admitted to the hospital, do you want me to give you his room number?”

Mark!!! He knew Mark!!!

That meant … 

…. David Lim the CEO of Talkative Bureau was the informant!!!

No wonder Mark was at the restaurant on the night of 15 January 2021.

Now that David Lim knew Mark, was he also the one who told Walter that I have a son?

I started to get angry, but I told myself I had to stay, since I needed a contact for my new job as an estate agent. Any lead was useful.

“Have some wine, Carmen, don’t be too stressed about your new job,” David Lim said.

“You have set me up, haven’t you, Mr CEO?!” I became inflamed.

“Why. No. Everything that has happened was just part of my duty, I had to let the respective parties know about your situation, I was merely doing HR,” 

“You could withdraw your letter of resignation and work for me as my PA … ” David Lim offered,

“ … instead of selling houses, these are Covid times, selling houses are not so lucrative.”

“PA!” I was so elated I shouted, if you still remembered that I said I wanted to move up the corporate ladder.

“Mr David Lim, no, Mr CEO, I will report to your office tomorrow morning at 8:30 a.m. sharp,”

“Be sure to wear the black taffeta,” he gave me his punch line.

This man was insane!!!

I picked up my bag, took the fastest route out of Summerset Restaurant, and then just as I passed by Hourglass Figure, I saw that the mannequin had put on another dress. This time it was a red dress with sequins sewn all over, I guess the colour was to coincide with the Chinese New Year festive season. I was a superstitious person. Red was my favourite colour, it symbolised good fortune. But this time I did not talk to her, for she was no longer Claire.

Who is the next Claire? 

I stood outside an old prison in Lourdes, France ….

Book A

Chapter 1

I was told that unless you were a criminal you could never be jailed.

         I walked through the narrow gate and found myself right in front of a door. There was no window, so I had no idea who was inside. I had the keys to the thick cast iron door, but I still knocked before I opened, as it was my habit. I knew exactly which key to use. The door had a number: 318. The number on the key I held did not tally with that number. Nonetheless I was told that this was the key.

         I hesitated to slip the key in the large padlock keyhole as I was unsure if it would open the door. In any case, I tried. Surprisingly the catch opened with just one twist, and I was just about to close the padlock when I heard a woman’s voice. “So, you have finally come?” I pushed open the door again but still could see no one inside. The voice was distinct and in this hollow basement, the echo was loud. It could have been my imagination. I did not say a word, as I did not want to reply to an unknown source.

         I shut the door, careful to close the paddock again before I took the key out of the keyhole. No one else was with me at the time so I could not consult with anybody. I knew instinctively that some of my files were stolen and that there was a plot behind this. In the first place, why was I told not to open this door here?

         I was a prisons officer. I kept one hundred and twenty-two files in my cabinet. The file names were numbered, and I filed them in descending order. I placed File 7657008322 on top of 7657008321, and File 76570083201 was right at the bottom. Each file was linked to a criminal, but the names of the criminals were not arranged in alphabetical order. Of course, it was according to the dates on which the crime was committed. However, I was sure that some files were stolen, as some numbers were missing.

Chapter 2

         When I first started on the job, I noted the date on which File 7657008318 was created. It was 31 August 1997. I remembered the date very well, as it was the day on which the late Princess Diana Spencer died in a car accident. I could never meet her in person, but I quite liked her dress sense.

         In the early years of her appearance in public, her clothes were girlish and then subsequently jacket stiff. Her hair-do was also changed in order to allow her tiara to sit on her head more securely. But right now, File 7657008318 had nothing to do with the late Princess Diana.

         So today, after checking on Cell 318, I went back to my office and opened File 765700318 and found that it belonged to inmate Raymond Lai. I became a little confused. Why was there no one inside the cell? And even if it were too dark for me to spot Raymond, surely the voice I heard belonged to a woman. It was high pitch and hysteria.

         This morning I had my coffee as usual. My mug bore a picture of the Merlion. As I was sipping it I thought of adding more milk to the liquid as it seemed a little too bland. Suddenly my office door opened, and Superintendent Zhang walked in.

         “Look at what I bought, try wearing these tonight,”

         I took over the paper bag from Zhang. The contents were tightly wrapped with soft tissue paper. 

         “Open it,” Zhang sounded very excited. 

         They were bras and panties, in four different colors. They were pure lace and sheer silk. They were not the ones that I would usually wear. I liked plain ones, and my wardrobe was limited to only the nuke color. What were these for? What was Zhang Tze Chong trying to do? I was quite puzzled and amused at the same time. 

         Immediately I picked up my handbag and started to walk out of the office. If Superintendent Zhang wanted to sleep with me, he should at least be decent enough to buy me dinner beforehand. I never imagined that Zhang would be interested in me since he was a married man with a gold wedding band glaring at me all the time. I was still single even though I was approaching thirty. Zhang was thirty-five.

         “Hey, freeze,” Superintendent Zhang shouted after me.

         “What do you mean by this?” I was getting rather annoyed.

         “I just want you to put yourself in the shoes of a sexy lady,” Zhang elaborated.

         “Why should I?” I was adamant.

         “Try them, you might like them,” he wasn’t deterred.

         I was furious with the proposition. I left the room. Automatically I walked towards the canteen and then directly hit for the Kopi Tiam Café. After my coffee I would go to the cells to check on my inmates.

         Over the years, I had cultivated a certain amount of affinity with the men and women in prison uniform. Prison clothes were a white top without print and an orange pants. Ours is a navy top and navy pants. So we could never be mistaken for an inmate. The uniform was particularly hot as it was made of corduroy. And if I ever wanted to resign from the prison service it would be because of this set of uniform. Frankly speaking, before I was sworn in as an officer of the prisons service, I had no idea about this.

         And then I heard a click sound. I turned around. No one was there. I had been sent to arrest accused persons before, so I was particularly sensitive to this kind of noise. It was different from the shutting of the padlocks outside the cells. In any case I wasn’t at the corridor I was in the canteen now. I continued with my coffee. 

Chapter 3

         I often went shopping. I liked shopping. My favorite shopping mall was The Paragon. There, a shop named Audrey’s Neck attracted me particularly. I went in there at least three times a week. Whenever I was at the shopping mall, I would drop by to see a man called Michael. Michael was middle aged, middle sized, and mild in temperament. He never disagreed with my choice of the stones. 

         You guessed right, I liked colored stones. He told me that diamonds were a girls’ best friend, yet I preferred the colored stones rather than the diamonds. Michael told me that diamonds were not commodities that could be traded on the market. And gold and silver were better bets to secure a girl’s heart.

         I met with Michael again. He was in a bow tie this time. “Good morning, Miss Teo,” Michael greeted me. I disliked being greeted with these two words, as “Good morning” sounded like “Good mourning” if misheard. So I gave him a toothless smile, signaling that I wasn’t pleased with him. But Michael took no notice of it. He stood, waiting for me to say something. I walked from one set of stones to the other, they all looked the same to me. Except for the settings.

         “How about this one?” He followed after me in the shop.

         “No, a little too small,” I said.

         “This one? Princess cut.” Michael tried again. 

         Inside the premises a video camera was filming me. I knew of its existence as every time I walked in, one of his colleagues would use the side door and step into the office located behind the row of shelves with the gem stones.

         After chatting for about ten minutes, I saw nothing that would interest me and I wanted to walk out of the shop, but then I did not know how to disengage Michael. I felt I had to buy something even though I knew that it wasn’t necessary. So I pointed to one item, an aquamarine and I said, 

         “Hey this is nice.” 

         “Indeed, it is. This is a cluster,” 

          “Do you like this design?” He asked again.

         “Cluster?!” “Of course not.” I replied immediately.

         I was a prisons officer. Of course, I knew what a cluster was.

         A cluster was a row of small units for living in, arranged in a square at the diameter. They were so small in size looking like cells in a prison house on the developers’ blueprint. In the prison, we called them clusters. I was looking after Cluster D.  I knew my way around quite a bit as I walked and checked each cell twice a day. A prison was a high security place. 

         I always wondered if the prisoners were real criminals. They looked perfectly normal to me. As far as I was concerned, prisoners were harmless people, they had surrendered their lives and liberty to us officials. I always looked into the file before I went down to the cells to find out what the charges were. They ranged from: murder, robbery, theft, criminal breach of trust, and other less serious miscellaneous crimes. I had never looked after one who had been charged for murder. And I did not refer to these guys as murderer, robber, thief, or cheat, as they seemed to be accused of. To me, all men were presumed innocent unless proven guilty. 

         You were right, Cluster D housed those people who had not yet been sentenced. 

         So therefore, whenever I opened the door and found a guy missing, I assumed that he was brought to the courts for the hearing and would return. They usually did. My prisoners were never lost, although I was never given the schedule as to who was coming in or going out. I was only a gate keeper. But Cell 318 had been empty, for a long time.

         I liked my job, dull as it might be. The hours were fixed. I clocked in at 8:30 a.m., went for my lunch break at 12:30 p.m. returning at 1:30 p.m. Promptly at 6:00 p.m. I logged out of my computer, locked myself out of the office and left directly for the recreation center where I would change out of my officers’ uniform. And then I walked out through the back door of the sports complex so that no one would be able to identify me.

         Yes, my code name was “Aqua 318”. No one knew my pseudo name except Superintendent Zhang. I didn’t think that Director Inspector Sam Lam knew it too. I had never met D.I. Lam and had never requested to see him personally before. 

         The inmates ate instant noodles, and over time, I began to eat like them. This was a self-imposed assimilation. When you lived with inmates you thought like inmates, since you also breathed the same air, and ate the same food produced by their cook. I loved inmates!

Chapter 4

         When I returned to my office the next day, the parcel given to me yesterday by Superintendent Zhang was still on my desk. The tissue wrapper was still there exposing some of the lingerie. That meant that Zhang had not retracted his proposal. I thought by not accepting the parcel I had made my intentions known. What was wrong with him? I had been working here with him for more than a year and he had not made any advances towards me. We co-existed peacefully.

         And as for myself, I had more or less made up my mind on being single when I signed up with the prisons office. No one ruffled me. 

         I tore open the tissue wrapper to expose Zhang. I knew that someone was watching me. The entire premises was installed with closed-circuit television video. And my actions could be misinterpreted. I took out the lingerie one piece at a time, and then I place them against my body, the colours were red, pink, navy and black. A butterfly was attached to the right side of the strap which made it very unique.

         From where did he find them? I didn’t realise that Zhang was such a thoughtful man. Oh my Gosh! I must thank him personally. Immediately I walked out of my room to look for the man. When I arrived at his office, I was shocked to find a note stuck on the door with this message: 

         I will be away from my office from 19 December 2008 to 29 December 2008. During this time, please contact my assistant officer Lynda Teo.

         29 December. That meant that he won’t be back until after Christmas. I had to wait for another two weeks for a response. What should I do now? 

         As I walked back to my room I began to panic. Had Zhang gone back to his own wife? Did he think that I rejected him and left for good? How do I communicate my desire for him now? I had his mobile but I had never rung him on the number before. There was no need to. He was always available in the next office. And every time I thought that I had no work to do, he reappeared. I was not a criminal, but every now and then I got the feeling that Zhang was watching me.

Chapter 5

         Since Zhang went on leave from the next day I had to pick up calls that came in for Zhang. They were frequent and often I had to put the incoming calls on hold. Zhang had forwarded all his calls to me! I couldn’t get angry with him as this was the correct procedure. If he hadn’t done so, it would have been careless of him. His emails were also channelled to my account. I became very busy, as I had to do two persons’ job at the same time. Instead of logging out at 6:00 p.m. I ended up leaving past seven. I was stressed beyond comprehension. Of course there was a reason to it. I was overworked.

         The day I suddenly lost my cool was when Adrian rang. I could see that it was Adrian. All incoming callers were displayed. And after one year, I had memorised Adrian’s landline. 

         “Hello,” I always greeted callers as though I did not know who they were. My voice was loud and clear.

         “Zhang Tze Chong, you are supposed to visit Yen at his cell this afternoon at 2:00 p.m. you are late.” The person on the other line said.

         “Who is this?’ I asked, pretending that I did not know that it was Adrian. But I was sure that Adrian would know that I had Caller ID.

         “Zhang Tze Chong, you are late.” Again Adrian called me Zhang.

         PANG! I slammed the phone down.

         All my appointments were recorded on my calendar. My schedule was always prearranged.

         Besides, I was Lynda. I picked up the call and said “Hello,” twice. Surely Adrian would be able to tell that it was me A.O. Lynda and not Superintendent Zhang. Besides, Zhang was on leave and his absence was public. Why would anyone confuse me with Zhang? Was Adrian trying to do something to me? I didn’t like suggestions, and I didn’t like innuendos. If you were calling me Zhang, and Zhang wasn’t me, then you were trying to suggest that I was sleeping with Zhang. That was a serious accusation. 

         I became incensed. I stood up from my desk, opened my door and walked straight to Adrian’s office. It was located just two doors away on the opposite side of the corridor. I did not bother to knock on the door. Adrian was one rank lower than me, so I need not stand on ceremony. But no one greeted me. Adrian was not at his desk.

         Flabbergasted, I hurried down to Cluster D. Patrolling has become my way of destressing.

         I picked up my file, hurrying down to the cluster. 

Chapter 6

         Today was Christmas Eve. I could leave the office at 1:00 p.m. I refused to take leave on this day. Leave today was not counted as a half-day leave, so that even if I applied for a half-day off, the department would treat it as a full-day leave. 

         At 1:00 p.m. after I logged off, I went down to the first floor canteen. There was no crowd only a few people. I ate my usual char siew rice mixed with roast duck sauce, and I decided to add a cup of coffee from the Kopitiam man. I wanted to stay up later tonight to listen to the Christmas music and watch the festive lights fading away and then brighten up the minute they went off. It made me happy. That meant that I didn’t have to go to the seaside to lie on the sand to gaze at the stars.

         Although I had a calendar on my PC, I kept a calendar at my desk. I changed the date every evening as I was about to leave the office. And then I remembered the lingerie. I got off from my chair, I walked around, and found the bag that Zhang gave me. It was very nice, with a picture of a Christmas tree as a design. I did not feel like Christmas at all as I had completely gone off shopping. 

         Something wasn’t right. I saw that the tissue wrapper had been taken out from the shopping bag. How come the items were unwrapped? And then I proceeded to tear open the tissue paper. There was lingerie inside already. It was my lingerie. They were red, pink, baby blue and purple. Hold it, they were different colours originally. What happened? 

         Someone stole my lingerie! No, she didn’t steal it. She changed them. How could she have done a thing like that? I meant, they were MY lingerie. They began as red, pink, navy and black. And who was the culprit?

         I had no idea. The sensible thing to do now would be to report the loss. I remembered that we had a section for lodging police reports. I logged into the webpage immediately. I found the page at the Police Nationalethe French Police Force www. something. The page opened up, but it was entirely messy. Pictures of men in uniform were scattered everywhere. There was no theme to it. I looked everywhere, I couldn’t find the link. 

         As I was keying in the items, I realised that I could not say that my lingerie were lost. In the first place it was merely a difference in colour. And no one except Superintendent Zhang and I knew which colours they were. Also what could be the complaint? To lodge a complaint, I must specify that the items described as being lost belonged to me. 

         They were not the same sets as the ones when it was presented to me. But I was not the purchaser, it was a gift to me and I could swear that they were different. I wished I had taken a picture of them earlier on. I could confirm that I was not colour blind. I had taken the Highway Code before and they told me that I was normal.       

         In order to prove legal possession, I repacked the lingerie, put them properly in the paper bag, to bring them home. If I could bring the items out of the office back home without being questioned I must be the owner. Frankly speaking, I was not at all turned on by the coloured underwear. I never went without clothes, not even in my own bedroom. Maybe that was why I was still single. NO! Don’t ever imagine that I was a lesbian, there was nothing wrong with me!

         On my way home I heard the siren. I was accustomed to this noise as I was a police officer before I became the prisons officer. It was a promotion. And so I was addicted to this sound. If I didn’t hear it for two weeks I would start to worry that no criminals had been found. And frankly speaking if no crime that meant no work. But of course I didn’t go round telling everyone that I thrived on crimes. We looked forward to a crime free environment.

Chapter 7

         Word has it that I was having an affair with Zhang. That frightened me as if I were having an affair with my superior, I would get the sack immediately. Affairs within the office were strictly prohibited. In order to deny this rumour, I would need to prove discretion. I couldn’t make a public statement to deny the rumour, since nothing happened, it would be odd to go out to deny something that had not happened. Yet. 

         But I had no one to share my predicament with. Zhang had not made an outright proposition, and the fact that he was married made him the guilty party, vis-à-vis his wife. The wrong doing, if any, was only between he and his wife in a civil action. I was clear. 

         I could not even complain to D.I. Sam Lam about this, as he would say that Zhang was paying me a great compliment since I was an old maid. His wife was younger than I. On  the other hand, if I didn’t comply with Zhang’s order to parade in the lingerie, Zhang might turn hostile towards me. In any working environment you need a certain amount of goodwill from your boss. I needed this job! This was my only source of income.

Chapter 8

         I spoke to God.

         On my way home last night, I dropped by the nearest chapel. I asked God to induce Zhang to ditch his wife and then to marry me. But I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him or just be his mistress. So I was quite vague in my instructions to God. But my desire for Zhang had been aroused, and I couldn’t put him out of my mind. Of course I did tell God that he, Zhang Tze Chong, made the first move and that was a caveat. Superintendent Zhang was married to a lady named Jane. Jane was no plain Jane but I haven’t had a chance to meet her.

         Logic told me that if I couldn’t reject Zhang, then I had better find some accommodation where we could do this sort of thing. Immediately I thought of the Imperial Stay Hotel. It was along the King’s Cross Road, and one bus would take me there. I went to the Agoda.com and booked a room. The website was easy to use and a few clicks got me there. 

         I saw a Deluxe room with a King-size bed. At three hundred and fifty-five dollars it was affordable for my type of salary. I selected it getting quite excited about the entire affair. Then I messaged Zhang. I didn’t want anyone else to know about my invitation to the rendezvous of course. 

         “I have booked the Imperial Stay Hotel for 25 December, so that we can enjoy a quiet Christmas together, instead of locking ourselves up in the office cell,” I wrote. 

Chapter 9

         On 25 December 2008 before 12:00 p.m. I checked into the Imperial Stay Hotel. No one was with me at the time, as no one knew that I had this room, except Zhang of course. I had already messaged him last night. No reply had come from him.

         I got my room key and promptly went up to the room to wait for Zhang to turn up. I was a little unsure if Zhang would show this to anyone of our colleagues. My opportunity cost I calculated would be the job at the prisons office, if I were fired on grounds of misbehaviour, which were valid only if Zhang actually slept with me. Until he turned up at my hotel room front door, my job was still secure. And I was quite pleased with myself, for if Zhang Tze Chong did not show up, I could just relax at the hotel and spend the night watching television enjoying room service.

Chapter 10

         In the hotel room on Christmas Day I waited. One hour and thirty minutes has elapsed and nothing happened. I gave Zhang another thirty minutes. Still no show. I sent another SMS. This time I used the WhatsApp as it allowed me to know if the message had been read. The message was delivered. I got a little more worried. Even if he did not wish to come, he could at least make his intentions known. Maybe I should order room service, and then eat first. I walked about the room and found housekeeping by pressing the key dial number 10. 

         It took forty-five minutes before the food arrived. I was very pleased to be offered an extra pot of tea. The guy said that it was being offered for all guests checking in on Christmas Day. I ate my dinner whilst it was still hot after I had snapped a picture of my food and sent it across to Zhang, together with a message, “Are you coming?”. 

         I fell asleep on the bed and woke up the next morning after 12:00 p.m. When I arrived at the concierge and found two receptionist at the counter, I approached the lady.

         “Is it too late to check out now?” I asked. Her name was Vivien Chow. But that was not relevant now.

         “I am sorry, Ma’am, it has to be before 12:00 p.m. But you booked the room until the 27th,” came the reply.

         “But I have no use for the room now,” I said, “My mission is accomplished.” 

         With the final words I walked out of the hotel, back to King’s Cross Road. My house was right at the end of the road, it was a five storey apartment. I tapped my key card on the lift panel and it opened right into my living room. I turned on the lights and it was only then I realised that I was still in my overnight gown. 

         Once I arrived at home I quickly went to the bathroom to take a hot shower. My bottle of moisturiser and hair spray etc. were still neatly lined up on the vanity top. I noticed that the order in which I usually displayed them had been changed. So someone had come in?

Chapter 11

         “Why are you here?” The first thing that Adrian said to me when I arrived at the office on 27 December 2008, were these words:

         “This is my office, isn’t it?” I retorted, matter of fact, deflated as I was carrying on with a non-existent affair. 

         Now I would have to cover up for being a reject. I sat down in front of my PC, ready for another long day. I was unsure if Zhang would expose me and get me dismissed even if nothing happened between us. He could show the messages from me to D.I. Sam Lam.

         [PrincessDiana1997]

         [Princessdiana1997]

         [princessdiana1997]

         Oops! Did I forget my password?

         I knew that I didn’t write the password in my notebook, as I assumed that my memory would never fail me. How could I forget a password which I use so often? For the last one and a half years, I was using this same combination. Unless I made a mistake on the caps lock. 

         One more try.

         [princessdiana1997]

         No, it was in uppercase. Lowercase didn’t work either. In the end I told myself to forget about it.

         I walked out of the office to see Adrian. He was my assistant. He had to help.

         “Do you remember my password?” I asked.

         “You didn’t give it to me,” Adrian said.

         “Oh dear,” “I can’t go into my computer,” I had to confess.

         Without the password, I couldn’t go into the PC, and I couldn’t do my work.

         Frankly speaking, I couldn’t remember what I had to do after the break. In order not to embarrass myself any further, I decided to lodge a complaint that Zhang had molested me on the night. Otherwise he could frame me. YES! The hotel gave me two key cards. One for him and one for me. 

         To plant incriminating evidence I walked straight to Zhang’s office, went in, found a hidden spot in his room: behind the book shelves. I saw several titles: Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace, A Tale of Two Cities, The Diary of Ann Frank. I have not read any of them. I picked up one of the books, and I placed the key card between the pages. I left the room without anyone seeing me.

         Next, it was time to check out. I arrived at the Imperial Stay Hotel after work. 

Chapter 12

         I finally got the interview with D.I. Sam Lam.

         Come to my office,” the voice on the intercom was low, with a note of urgency.

         I switched off my computer straight away and promptly left my room. I took the lift to the second floor even though using the stairs would be much faster. No one was in the lift with me. The lift opened right into a large office on the second floor. The desks were arranged in an untidy manner without any sequence. I always wondered if it were done deliberately. I approached one of the staff, “Excuse me, do you know where is D.I. Sam Lam’s office?” I asked.

         “I don’t know,” came the reply.

         “Could you tell me if he is on this level?” I refused to give up.

         “Of course he is not on this level,” came the reply.

         It took me three rounds before I arrived outside D.I.’s office. I found the name Director Inspector on one of the doors. It could be Sam Lam.I made a hazardous guess. And then I knocked on the door. I did not wait for a response before I opened the door. The back of a man was facing me. He wore a pink shirt and did not bother to turn around. I said, “hello,” sounding like a timid cat. 

         He took exactly four minutes with me standing there with my note pad in my hand. 

         “Need a pen?” the first things he asked.

         “I can write without using the pen,” I said.

         He grabbed a remote control on his desk, flashed at the LCD screen on the wall, signalling me to view the clip shown. A woman was in the bathroom.

         “This you?” D.I. looked straight at me.

         “No, of course not,” I was just as straight forward.

         He played the video clip again.

         I looked at it, hard. Hey, that’s my lingerie!

         “I think they belong to me,” I got a little excited.

         “You mean the video belongs to you?” D.I. said.

         “NO!” I was vehement. But that I wondered how the subject got my lingerie. Did someone give it to her? 

         D.I. zoomed in on the bra. I could see the little butterfly attached to the front right part of the strap. I was certain that the lingerie were mine. I saw it when Zhang gave it to me.  D.I. continued with the video play and he poured himself a glass of water. Then he poured another glass.

         “Drink this,” he handed it to me.

         I took over the glass, “Who filmed this?” I thought it must have been the work from an unauthorised source. The subject did not seem to know that she was being filmed. 

         “Is she a professional?” I asked.

         “This is what I am asking you?” so this was D.I. Sam Lam’s purpose in getting me here. As I was leaving he threw me a sentence, “Her name was Jane.”  . I left his room without an answer.

Chapter 13

         I remembered my moisturiser and hair spray. They were rearranged. So Jane was inside my own bathroom at my house when I was away at the hotel.

         D.I. showed me the video clip again at his office. This time he asked me to sit down before grabbing his remote control.

         Jane was the same person. She looked very much like me. Only at right angle I could see that her nose was flat a little different from mine. She had makeup on as her face had a 3-D effect. How did she get into my house? Could it be another bathroom?

         But the row of cosmetic products on the basin top confirmed that it was my own bathroom. They were the same ones that I used. How did she find her way in?

         And then I saw her put her clothes on, over her lingerie. It was a white dress with bright red Pokka dots. Very unique.

         “Are these yours?” D.I. Sam Lam asked.

         “No,” I said, denying ownership straight away. 

         “It couldn’t have been me, someone has to film it,” 

         “I live alone and no one comes into my house,” I elaborated, giving some logic to my denial. 

         And then further on I added, “Ok, I was with Zhang Tze Chong,”

         In all earnest, it wasn’t my intention to frame Zhang. But since D.I. mentioned now, and the opportunity having arose, I had to say that I was with him at the material time, which was on the night of 25 December 2008 on Christmas day.

Chapter 14

         “We were at the Imperial Stay Hotel,” I supplied the answer without further prompting.

         And then, “Does Superintendent Zhang’s wife know about this?’ was my immediate concern.

         “What do you think, Miss Teo?” D.I. turned the question towards me.

         I could see it coming, D.I. Sam Lam calling me by my civilian title. I was A.S. Teo, Assistant Superintendent of the prisons office. 

         He wanted me to resign.

         “He left before dinner,” I contradicted myself. It was a lie. Both confessions were a lie. I haven’t thought about what the offence was for giving false testimony. In any case, I wasn’t on oath. 

         “Let me interview Zhang when he returns,” D.I. Sam Lam said. 

         “For now, you take your leave of absence until next year,”

         The range was too wide, and “next year” was too indefinite.

         Nevertheless I complied and walked out of D.I. Sam Lam’s office, with nothing more to say. Once I was back at my office, the only thing I needed to do was to log out of my PC, then pack my mug and my calendar to bring home. I had the inkling that I might not return to the room again. And then with my head held high I walked out of Panaby Hill in my prisons uniform. I forgot to change out of my uniform and did not realise that someone was trailing me.

Chapter 15

         As I was passing the gate to go out of the compound, a message came in from Zhang.

         “I am outside,” it read.

         “And I am also inside,” I didn’t know why I replied that way. 

         Now that I had more or less gotten myself out of a job, there wasn’t any more purpose to go back to the hotel. I might not even ever get to see Zhang again since work was our only link. And then I realised that I must return to the Imperial Stay Hotel to drop the key card. 

         Omg! I have left the other one inside Zhang’s room, which meant that I would have to return to the prisons office to retrieve it. I had slipped it amongst his things.

         I was already out of the prisons compound, now along Bethany Road. Immediately I changed the gear to make a three-point turn releasing the brakes when I pressed on the accelerator. The car zoomed right into the street with a sense of urgency. I drove on. I knew that I had to get back to the office before they finally shut the gate. 

         The lights were clear, I could turn into Pollen Road without obstruction. It had started to drizzle and I flipped the switch for my wiper to clean the windscreen. It was an automatic reflex even though it wasn’t necessary. I never liked to use the wiper as it was rather distracting, with it coming on at regular intervals as though it were a metronome on a piano.

         A dark shadow stood at the side, I saw a woman. She looked exactly like the woman I saw in the video, I recognised her clothes. It was a white dress with bright red Pokka dots. Before I could confirm her identity, I felt I bumped into a soft bean bag. A soft object collapsed right in front of me, and I quickly stepped on my brakes.

         It jammed, giving out a loud squeaky sound. I knew I had knocked someone down. I quickly opened my car door and rushed forward.

         The woman on the floor was she. The one in the video clips. It was Jane. I had knocked Jane down. 

         ……….

Chapter 16

         Back at the prisons office.

         In the dark Lynda couldn’t see anything. She remembered what she was wearing before she came in. Her clothes were in the cupboard now. The guard told her to change into this set of clothes. It was loose and bare, with no pockets and no design. It was a white top without sleeves and an orange pants long enough just to cover her knees.

         Lynda waited for somebody to come in to join her. She knew that she could not be left alone like this. Someone was bound to come. It was very scary to be left there within these four blank walls. The walls were so clean you could not see any graffiti on them.

         There was a place she could urinate. It was just behind a partition and there was the drawing of a woman’s profile with her drinking from a cup. She couldn’t understand why they have this drawing, as though to suggest that when you urinated you were drinking from the same cup that you urinated into. 

         Now Lynda knew that the inmates could hear the prison officers walking in and along the corridor. She didn’t know which cell she was in, then she looked at her wrist and saw several digits – 7657008318 – it was the virtual cell! 

         She was chained up. Two pairs of handcuffs which locked her hands and feet earlier were unlocked. Lynda saw that the officers look at her with sympathy. They knew that Lynda was no ordinary criminal. 

         Lynda was upset that this time she was on the other side – the inmates’ side the inside.

         Then she remembered her last message to Zhang – she said that she was inside. She realised that she was fulfilling her own prophesy. 

         Lynda knew that she had to be here a long time. Long enough for her patience to expire. A police officer was supposed to attend to her case. She took the opportunity when one of the guards walked past to ask him when an officer would come and see her. 

         His answer was, “when he is free,” and then he walked away without giving Lynda as much as a pause. 

         With that Lynda was satisfied that there was some interaction and she sank back into the hollow. The ceiling was high and she tried to picture a fan hanging from the top. In this state of mind she really could not put her imagination to work. Her spirits had been stripped bare and she only had very little to do except to sit on the floor and waited. 

         All her personal belongings had been removed, filmed and itemized, and promptly put into a large plastic bag for the locker. The key to the locker had been surrendered to the guard who brought her in. Lynda knew that she was in her own office so that her things were safe here, wherever they were. Lynda told herself they still belonged to her.

         No one talked to Lynda, as no one was around. Lynda began telling herself that this was temporary and that after some time she would have to be let out. They can’t put me in here forever. She put on her most positive outlook for the next twenty-four hours.

         ……….

Chapter 17

         They have to feed me.Lynda told herself. She remembered that the inmates were given food at least twice a day. But she had completely lost track of time. Lynda waited for someone to deliver the packet food. She knew what they were: ikan bills,green leafy vegetables, and rice. She was a time keeper, she always needed to know exactly what time she was in. Perhaps this was God’s way of telling her to relax.

         “Do you accept responsibility?” the officer asked Lynda when he came to pass her the food as he opened the little box window. By now Lynda wasn’t sure if it were lunch or dinner. 

         “Is she still alive?” Lynda asked, that was all that mattered. 

         Lynda told herself that if she ever saw Jane again she would share her bathroom with her, she would let her have her plain nuke lingerie, and also all the other four that Zhang gave her. I would even share all my clothes in the wardrobe with her .I would be her best friend and she mine. 

Chapter 18

         Lynda waited. When is he free? -Who is the officer attending to my case? Who is the officer coming to visit me? Could it be Zhang Tze Chong himself?

         The thought of Zhang coming in himself gave Lynda a sense of relief. If Zhang came in Lynda could confront him direct. She could ask if he planned all this, getting the woman to drop right in front of her. She might not have been injured. In fact, it all looked too coincidental for an accident to happen. The woman just dashed out from nowhere. It was near the traffic lights. Why couldn’t she cross at the lights?

Book B

Chapter 19

It was easy to conceal a non-existent affair, much less difficult to end a short-term relationship.

         William waited at the Panaby Road in his car for at least half an hour before he decided to switch off the engine. There was no shelter from the back entrance of the building to his car. But he knew that Lynda won’t be using her umbrella even if it rained.

         At 7:30 p.m. sharp, Lynda walked out of the back entrance. William shone his spotlight on her to indicate that he was already there, but she took no notice of it. He moved his car a little forward and followed her to the end of the road where there was a no entry sign, and then he turned off his engine to wait.

         There was nothing sinister about this. William was not there to attack Lynda. She was his girlfriend and if he wanted any favours, he could ask her directly. 

         It was an arrangement between Lynda and himself that he waited for her on Friday at the Panaby Hill. Perhaps on Friday she could log off early on time and she could take her mind off work since she need not work on Saturday. William did not understand why Lynda had to conceal their relationship but that since that was her order he complied. 

         His relationship with Lynda bordered between civility and intimacy. William loved her which she did not reciprocate but that did not deter him from dating her almost every week. The only encouragement that William got from Lynda was that she still hasn’t got a boyfriend. 

         William waited for Lynda to climb into the car before he spoke, 

         “So, how’s work today?” 

         “Same,” Lynda did not offer any information.

         “Did Zhang give you a lot of work to do?”

         William tried to engage Lynda, but she was not responsive. But he was not about to give up. 

         “Where did you have lunch today?” that will give an idea as to how busy she was. 

         “I did not eat,” was Lynda’s reply.

         Ok, she was busy. William concluded. And then he restarted his engine. Twenty minutes later, he arrived at her apartment.

         “Vietnamese or seafood?” William tried again, before she decided to call it a day and left.

Chapter 20

         “Work is enjoyable provided what you did have a consequent effect.” Lynda finally opened her mouth. William quickly grabbed this opportunity.

         “What do you mean by consequent effect?

         “I am given documents to sign,” “but that I have no idea if my signature on it meant anything, for one, there was no way in which I could find out if the person named in the document is actually located in our cells?”

         “But why do you need to know?” William’s curiosity was aroused.

         “The names did not mean anything to me, but the charges were grave.”

         “Such as?” William urged Lynda to carry on.

         “Conspiracy to commit murder, abetment to bank robbery etc. etc.”

         “OMG! These were serious charges. And all the time you were giving orders of arrest without knowing who they were? And I bet you had no idea if they had taken place?!”

         “That is correct,” Lynda spoke. I could see a sign of desperation growing on her face. 

         William gave her time to settle her thoughts, and then he got a little closer, he put his arms around her and he tried to make her look at him. William was not really interested in her subjects; it was she he was after. 

         Not surprisingly Lynda fell into his trap and she rested her head on William’s shoulders. He put up his best act ….

Chapter 21

         “And then,” Lynda continued. 

         “And then what?” William, pursued. 

         “Zhang likes to put his nose in every hook,”

         “That’s good, isn’t it?”

         “How could that be?” she retorted with a kind of anger that seemed like she herself was victimised.

         “If he is involved that meant that you are kept out of responsibility,” 

         “I’d rather be in the know,” and then Lynda added, “so that I know what is happening,”

         “Why would you want to know?” “Would it make a difference if you did?” William followed through.

         “If I knew then I could help to decide if a guy is guilty or not guilty,” Lynda’s true colours were showing.

         William knew that that was it. He had managed to open her up. Lynda was beginning to treat him as a confidant. 

         William turned off his car engine and they sat in the dark for a long time. No one came to send them away, and the traffic police seemed to be off duty for the night. William sensed that God was on his side. 

         William knew that if he didn’t act now, he would never have another chance to do so. Lynda needed a confidante, and he could be the one. He would be the best person.

         “You must be hungry, let’s go and get some food,” William said. 

         “What can I eat?” she asked.

         “There is a place we can go to,” William remembered the Cafe Renaissance at Church Street, just around the corner after we make three turns.

         “You know anybody in the press?” Lynda suddenly asked.

         “Not that I can think of,” he replied.

         And then William asked, “You have something to tell them?”

         “Yes and no,” “I don’t know if it is interesting enough …” she said.

         “I think you have a clause in your contract that you are not supposed to disclose any information you acquire at work to outsiders,” William tried to remind Lynda.

         “I don’t care now, I am planning to leave by the end of this year,” Lynda dropped a bombshell.

         “But today is 3rd December!” William said, “And how much notice must you give?” 

         “I am thinking of forfeiting my one months’ salary,” “I can’t tolerate the situation any longer,” Lynda definitely looked desperate.

         “If you are going to leave, you have to find another job first,” William could only give this piece of advice.

         “I will let you know before I resign,” Lynda reassured William.

Chapter 22

         If you didn’t like the situation you have found yourself in, it’s best you avoided it.

         William wanted to tell Lynda when he would see her tomorrow. As usual he waited at the foot of the hill at the back entrance. The prison building slopes down from the Panaby Hill and you could imagine that those who worked inside had a panoramic city view. 

         On the contrary William worked at the designs office and his cubical was smaller than the size of Lynda’s room. He always wanted to know if there was an opening at her office.

         As he waited for Lynda, William saw a black car coming out from the driveway. He mentioned black because police cars were in red and blue alternating. This black car was not only black it’s entire body was black with the windows tinted in dark colour, so that you could not see who was inside. 

         William used his iPhone to ring Lynda immediately. The call was declined. He rang again, and then he heard two persons talking:

         “So when will you charge Peter Teo?” – a man’s voice. 

         “Am not sure … depends on the boss.”

         “He has cancer. Did you know that?”

         “Yes, I did, and that has prevented the course of justice.”

         “The course of justice! You are sure that Peter Teo was guilty?!”

         “As guilty as charged. The only thing outstanding was our Lynda’s signature on it.”

         “Why must Lynda sign? Couldn’t you give it to somebody else?

         “Lynda is the daughter of the Minister of the Interior, and so her signature carries weight.”

         “Does Lynda know about this?”

         “Well, she would have to sign anyway,” 

         “But does she know that Raymond Lai was Peter Teo Seng Nam?”

         “I hope not.”

         “Ok.”

         And then the line went dead.

         William paused for a while almost unable to recover from the shock. 

Chapter 23

         It has been a week since William met Lynda at her work place. Christmas came and went, and Lynda did not return William’s call. 

         Every phone has a call log history and even if Lynda did not hear his incoming call she must know how to look at her recent missed calls. 

         However, William was undeterred. He wasn’t going to take this as a rejection. Lynda was one of his captives and he wasn’t about to give up. 

         William waited at the foot of the hill just slightly after the gate at the back entrance from 29 December, through to 1January. After the third day, he received a call from a lady who claimed to be the mother of Lynda. William had no means to ascertain the truth. Nonetheless he decided to turn up for the meeting.

         “I am Lynda’s mother,”

         “I know you are Lynda’s mother.” William said.

         “And how do you do Mrs Teo? further on he added.

         “I am not Mrs Teo,” the lady in front of him pronounced.

         “Then … who called me?” William was bewildered.

         “No worries, it was me,” the woman admitted.

         “So that in any case you must be Lynda’s mother.” William confirmed her identity.

         She ignored William and ordered the waitress to come. William waited and when she had decided on her food, she gave him her name card: Lai Guat Lian, Advocate & Solicitor.

         William wasn’t deterred. He was here by invitation and it was precisely this woman who invited him. 

         I had done nothing wrong with, to or about to, Lynda – this woman’s daughter. William thought to himself.

         In fact, there was no resemblance between the two of the mother and daughter. If at all it was the mole just above the lips on the left side of the mouth.

         But if this woman weren’t Lynda’s mother she won’t be sitting here right in front of William. She won’t have known his number. 

         So that William took the lead. And he popped the question,

         “Where is Lynda?”

Chapter 24

         “Get into my car and I will tell you,” the woman by the name of Lai said. 

         In the rain the car drove on. William had no idea where he was going. All he could see was the rain water splashing onto the window. He wanted to wind down the window to tell someone he was inside. But the rain would get inside the car and got him wet. In any case the catch was locked. 

         William knew that he had been trapped. 

         Let the gods take control. William told himself. Who were they? Were they the ones who had the last meal with Jesus? Or were they another set of Buddhist gods? It was too late to decide on his religion now.  

         No use lodging your complaint with the wrong person. William told himself, and so he kept quiet.

         The radio was playing, “…. you look perfect tonight….” William knew the song – “Perfect”. He hummed along and was surprised that the song replayed itself again after the last round. He tried to memorise the lyrics but was abruptly cut off by Lynda’s mother. 

         “Want some water?” Lynda’s mother asked, and then quickly followed by “Anything wrong?”

         “Err, no, nothing,” William stammered. 

        Lai parked the car and switched off the engine. William walked out of the car without saying goodbye, and then he let the depression that accompanied the night engulfed him further into darkness. 

Chapter 25

         William woke up very late. He meant very late. It was about 3:00 p.m. when he looked into the clock radio. He wanted to ask the gadget why it didn’t do its work this morning. He remembered that he set the alarm for 9:30. Then when he examined the setting later, he found that he had set it at 9:30 p.m. instead of a.m.

         Having no one to blame for his mistake William quickly decided on what to do for the remaining hours of the day. From three to ten he was only left with seven hours. William needed to find out what had happened to Lynda.

         William picked up his iPhone and used the recent call log to trace Lynda’s mother. He created a contact for her by typing “Mrs Teo”. That was the way in which he could recall her, never mind if she said she weren’t Mrs Teo.

         Next, he rang Lynda’s number. The call wasn’t answered. It could mean that Lynda did not hear it, or just that she was otherwise occupied. William told himself he must not give up. 

         Then the music sounded. Loud and clear. William knew that it was his cell phone, he had set it to his favourite song. He saw the number and was unhappy that it was neither Lynda nor Mrs Teo. Nevertheless, he picked it up. 

         Hello, William spoke. 

         No one was on the other side.

         William knew that Lynda was in trouble now. He organised his thought process. Swiftly he put on his shirt and he changed into his black trousers. Then he realised that he had forgotten to take a shower, so he undressed myself and started all over again. 

         Time was not on his side. It was past four by the time he got himself dressed and when he tried to look for his car keys he realised that he had left it in the car. Thank God he still remembered where his car was. 

         In France you didn’t get a chance to drive around in somebody else’s car. The police will stop you to check if you were indeed the licence holder. William marvelled at the efficiency of their law enforcement officers and then he said a secret prayer to discharge his anxiety. Finally, he left the house to fetch his car.

         He arrived at the foot of Panaby Hill.      

         Hold it! The lot was empty. No car!!!

Chapter 26

         As he stood facing the large prisons office, Samuel Lam tapped him on the shoulder. No, William didn’t know that it was Sam who tapped him. But when he turned around, he saw the Public Prosecutor. Sam was his ex-colleague in law school who landed himself in one of the hottest jobs in the city after he left the university.

         William knew that he had not committed any crimes. But being greeted by an officer of the Prison’s Office was not a joke. He returned the man with a smile, and preface his acknowledgement with the most innocent statement, 

         “Good to see you, Sam,” William said.

         “Certainly. Looking for something?” the man asked.

         “Err, no, not at the moment,” William quickly denied any irregularity.

         “This is not a place for coffee,” Sam said.

         “Yes, I know, I just happened to be waiting for someone,”

         “Is it Lynda Teo?” Sam dropped the bombshell. 

         How did he know?

         Since the man already knew about Lynda and him, William thought he might as well tell Samuel the truth. There was no glamour in hiding a non-existent love affair. William felt that the more people knew about their relationship the better, for once it is common knowledge then it would be difficult for Lynda to find another beau.

Chapter 27

         William didn’t know what people did when they lost their cars. But he could afford it. The car was purchased for the specific purpose of courting Lynda. He let himself calm down first. Then he spoke. 

         “By the way, Samuel, since you are here …. I would like to report that my car, parked here since 29 December …. has been stolen, err … I assumed that it was stolen. A car did not go missing on its own ….”

         But Samuel was abrupt.

         “Sorry William, this is not within my purview. I am in charge of the prisons – people who have been arrested – call me when you have apprehended the thief.”

         Having washed his dirty linen, William lapsed into the thought of Lynda again. He attempted,

         “Lynda still in the office?”

         “She resigned,” the man said.

         “Oh?” William said.

         “And nobody knew why,” that was all Samuel could offer, and then, “would you like to find out why?” 

         That gave William a ray of hope. 

         “Lodge a police report and tell the guys where and when was the last time you saw your girlfriend,” Samuel ordered.

         “Which is the best police station to make such a report?” William asked innocently.

         By then he could trace a note of irritation on Sam Lam’s face, as though saying, “omg you don’t know?!” but instead he said, I will show you how to write the report.

         And then Samuel Lam turned and walked away.

Chapter 28

         “I have two pressing matters: I lost my car and I lost my girlfriend,” the first things William said to the officer who was sitting right in front of the computer.

         The man in navy pretended not to hear William.

         “Yes, what can I do for you?” the officer inquired. The buttons on his shirts were shinning like crazy, William was sure he polished it every morning before he arrived at work.

         “I said, I lost my car and I lost my girlfriend,” William repeated.

         “First things first. What did you say you lost?” the officer was totally unemotional.

         “I lost my car,” William repeated for the second time.

         “Car number?” the officer passed him a piece of green paper, “fill up this form,” and then he continued, “what was the second thing you said?”

         “Lynda Teo, you know Lynda Teo?” William forgot that Lynda was just a prisons officer, rather than the daughter of the Interior Minister. In any case, people didn’t remember the family of a public figure. 

         “How do you spell Lynda?”

         That’s it! William blew his top. He left the police station without filling up any forms. His car was still at large. But at least he got in touch with Lynda’s boss.

Chapter 29

         A fortune teller once told William that he must be married by the age of thirty, otherwise he would have to wait a cycle of another twelve years. 

         William pondered at the thought and felt it no harm in lodging a police report on the basis that Lynda was his wife and that she had been missing since Christmas Eve. 

         Finally, William decided that he would do so and the only other person who object would be Mrs Teo and since she approached him on her own accord, she was unlikely to thwart his efforts in trying to locate Lynda. 

         She must be just as worried as I am. William thought to himself. And then he arrived at the same police station again.

         William was surprised that it was the same man who greeted him. And more surprised that the man recognised him.

         “You haven’t completed your form,” the man in navy with the shinning buttons merely said, he had been waiting for William to return.

         William duly complied.

         At the end of the note, he signed himself off as “Mr William Chung,” and “spouse” for the relationship, as Lynda’s family.

         “Once we find Mrs Chung, we will contact this number?” the officer asked, “9-1-6-4-2-7-8-5?”

         “Yes,” William said, “please contact me at once,”

         “Of course, we won’t want to keep her here, unless she has committed a crime,” the officer said.

         “No, unlikely,” William felt it obliged to protect Lynda’s innocence.

Chapter 30

         If you thought that in a cell there were unseen beings, you were wrong. Prison cells were so tightly locked and secured that not even a mosquito could enter. 

         Lynda was finally brought out of the cell into the section where there was a table and two chairs. A man sat on one and she was told to sit on the other. They were placed on both sides of the small table. It was an interview. Lynda was very conscious of what she needed to say to the man in front of her. Strangely enough he wasn’t in any kind of uniform.

Chapter 31

         “Do you know why you are here?” the man asked.

         “Obviously,” “I drove carelessly, and I knocked a woman down.” Lynda stated this as a matter of fact.

         “Since you have come all the way here, why not you stay a while longer?” the man asked.

         “What?!” Lynda’s eyes rolled big.

         “You managed to stay in the cell for a total number of twenty hours and fifteen minutes, that was a very good record,” the man said.

         “And throughout that time, I didn’t create any trouble for you, Sir,” Lynda knew she had to call him Sir, as he was in charge of her fate now.

         “You couldn’t have, you were locked up,” the man put her right.

         “I did try to entertain your inmates,” Lynda still couldn’t see herself as a prisoner.

         In the dim light the interviewer’s face was shadowed and Lynda couldn’t read his thoughts as his expression wasn’t transparent. The fact was that Lynda knew that the man had decided what he wanted to do with her before he called her in.

         “Where is superintendent Zhang?” Lynda asked.

         “You want him to come?” man asked.

         “No, of course not, but he is my boss, I am a prisons officer, I am not a criminal, I have no criminal intent,” she protested vehemently.

         “We all know the facts, you got into someone else’s car, took the wheels, and then drove into a woman who was just standing right in front of you,” 

         “I didn’t see her!” Lynda had to protect herself.

         “Of course, you didn’t, that is why we are charging you for dangerous driving,”, 

         “If I may say so, reckless driving,” Lynda tried to be clever.

         “I am not here to argue with you,”

         “I am just telling you that we may have to put you here for a while more, until we are certain of the charge,”

         “Indeed, why is that so?”

         “You are charged for reckless driving. The woman that you have knocked down is in the ICU now, if she died, then it would be Section 66. But if she leaves the ICU, then it would be Section 64 and you could be let off with a maximum fine of $5000 with or without imprisonment for 12 months. For Section 66 you could be imprisoned for as long as 5 years.So just pray hard that we hear good news.” 

         Lynda looked up. The man was staring at her, and she knew instantly that he was her god. At least for the time being. Lynda attempted a smile, showing off her nice teeth. 

         “No worries, you rest at our other house – the annex. There we have better food, and a bathroom so that you can have your shower, I know that you haven’t cleaned up for a long time.”

         Lynda’s heart sank. She knew that the man was dead serious, even if he didn’t look it. Which meant that they would have to wait for the outcome of the hospital report, assuming that the woman got discharged. 

         “ …. the woman, may I know her name?” Lynda asked.

         “It is confidential,” the interviewer said without hesitation. 

         “But if I had knocked someone down, putting her life in danger, and being charged for it, surely I am entitled to know who she is?” Lynda protested.  

         “Afraid not, Ms Teo” the interviewing officer was very firm.

         “If she doesn’t get discharged does it mean that I will never be released?” Lynda gave herself the worst-case scenario.

         “No prison sentence is not indefinite. And even if you had committed murder it is a maximum twenty years.”

         One could only conclude that this was the work of the devil. But how did the devil get into Lynda’s realm? How did the devil know Lynda’s whereabouts? The timing of the accident was superb. We could logically say that the reason being that Lynda had been living with criminals for a long time. 

Chapter 32

         There was this thing about the good and the bad, the angels and the devils, but surely, they were within our control. If we did good, we invited the angels, if we did bad, the devils thrived. But Lynda had been a good kind soul. She loved even the inmates. So why was she here? How could any god put her here?

         The tree was beginning to broadcast the fact that winter was coming to an end. The artificial snow on the tips of the branches were beginning to fall off. And if you looked closer you would realise that they were just some bits of cotton wool.

         Lynda let the sound of the Christmas carols fade into her recess memory before she was led away into a police van. Three officers accompanied her which made her felt very uncomfortable. It was as though she had a chance to run away if less manpower were deployed. Lynda packed up her thoughts and submitted to the law enforcement procedure. 

         The truth must be told, Lynda reaffirmed her decision to broadcast the irregularities. But fact was that Lynda couldn’t prove that the whole system was faulty. If anything, it was just that she wasn’t happy with her job, and therefore she complained that she was doing assignments which were beyond the scope of her duty.

         The conclusion was that Lynda’s emotional needs were not well taken care of. So Superintendent Zhang was actually merely trying to entertain Lynda. No wrong could be deduced from Zhang’s behaviour, as Lynda pondered on the course of action she would take if and when her legal counsel was engaged. She let the arguments run through her mind and she finally let her mind shut down whilst she was being led into her new accommodation.

Chapter 33

         Time stood still for Lynda. 

         She wished she had not been so adamant. She wished she had not refused Zhang. She wished she ….

         But it’s too late now, and the only person who could help her was William Chung. Only William knew about the predicament she was facing. Lynda cracked her brains as to how to get in touch with William. He would have picked her up at the foot of Panaby Hill on that day. 

         After Lynda had settled down and decided not to make any complaints, someone came in and told her that she could leave very soon, but that she had to sign an acknowledgement. And whilst at it, the officer read the charge out to Lynda:

         By virtue of Section 64, Chapter 276 of the Road Traffic Act, you, Lynda Teo Lay Hoon of NRIC S6824351C, female, have committed the following: –

         …. so the woman was alive! Praise God! 

         But hey, SLF8375A was William’s car number!

         Lynda’s mind clicked, her thoughts racing ….

         …. That meant that when I took William’s car on the fateful day of the accident … and so that was why it was all so convenient, that I could just drive the car out …. the key already in the ignition … and in all probability William had collaborated with Zhang, Sam and everyone else!

         But this seemed too weird. Why would they want to fix me?! – A small fry who lived on the fringe of a prison! 

         Finally, Lynda gave up. All these were too implausible. 

Chapter 34

         William Chung finally got the call that he has been waiting for.

         “May I speak to Mr William Chung?” a man’s voice.

         “Yes?” William saw that it was an Unknown Caller.

         “Your wife is now at the Hospital of St Stevens.”

         “You mean Lynda Chung?” William asked, just to be sure, he asked again,

         “What documents do I need to bring?” in case they wanted to see a marriage certificate.

         “Just bring your national identification card. The hospital is open to the public. Make sure you go during visitors’ hours.”

         “And they are …”  the line went dead. William realised that the call was from the police station, not from any service centre. 

         He quickly got himself a coffee and left for the hospital. William knew where the Hospital of St Stevens was. It was not too far away but he had never been there before.

         And he remembered that he still had one outstanding issue with the police – his car. 

         The hospital was quiet and after the rain you could see patches of water on the ground. Even the plants looked refreshed. You need not walk too far to arrive at the customer service counter. William found out that the hospital used Lynda’s maiden name – Teo, so that saved him the trouble of having to refer to her as Mrs Chung.

         It was only 6:00 p.m., but the nurse in the section told William that Lynda was not seeing any visitors. 

         “How about if I come back later after her dinner, say 7:00 p.m.? I know you close only at 8:00 p.m.”

         “No, this is our policy. Once the patient refused a visitor, we have to follow suit.” Nurse Tan was firm. 

         “You mean you checked with her already?” William was surprised.

         “No, the order was given just this evening,”

         “Huh?” “What time?” “Was it before 5:15 p.m.?” the man earlier on rang at 5:15 p.m.

         “What difference does it make, Sir,” nurse Tan was getting impatient.

         William just wanted to establish if the man who rang him played him out. But he couldn’t solicit any form of cooperation from the nurse. He gave up and walked away, and after he saw a café at the hospital ground, he walked in to get himself to be distracted by some food.

         Someone tapped William on the shoulder. This seemed to be happening a bit too often recently. Nonetheless, William turned around as it was a natural thing to do. 

         “It’s you, Mrs Teo,” he was surprised.

         “So, you have come to see Lynda,”

         “Yes, and I am not allowed entry,” William gave a fake smile, showing none of his teeth.

         “I can see that you are annoyed,” Mrs Teo said.

         “Mothers are allowed,” she added.

         “And so are husbands,” William said.

         “You want your car back?” Mrs Teo said, ignoring his grouses.

         “Where is it?”

         “In the police compound. Lynda has been charged with reckless driving. And the bail amount is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” Mrs Teo gave her ultimatum.

         “I don’t have that kind of money at hand, although …, “William didn’t want to cut loose the thread.

         “In that case you won’t see Lynda again. But the police told me that your car is available for collection.”

         William knew that this woman here now has taken over their affairs and that his future with Lynda lay with the ransom. If he retrieved the car and resold it, he might get that sum of money. Immediately he asked Mrs Teo for the name of the officer-in-charge.

         “You could use me, I am a lawyer, remember?” Mrs Teo said.

         “You have it,” “9-1-6-4-2-7-8-5” William gave those digits away one more time.

         “The car will be delivered to a pick-up point of your choice by tomorrow evening, 7:00 p.m.” Mrs Teo said.

         “Thank you,” that’s all William could offer for the moment.

Chapter 35

         When William collected his car from the concierge man who delivered his car at the back entrance down the road at Panaby Hill, he was lucky enough to sell it for exactly one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. 

         He did not hesitate to bank in the cheque into an account called “William Chung and/or nominee”. And then he wrote a cheque out to “Lai Guat Lian” without crossing it. The contact under “Mrs Teo” answered it immediately after just one ring. William handed the cheque over to Mrs Teo duly.

         Subsequently William made several unsuccessful attempts to the Hospital of St Stevens to see Lynda so that he could be sure if Lynda was still there.

         Where was Lynda? 

Book C

Chapter 36

According to the news, the authorities withdrew the charge on Peter Teo Seng Nam. But the inside story was that his wife Lai Guat Lian had bailed him out with one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Some other more reliable sources said that Peter Teo Seng Nam was never charged as no signature could be obtained to authorise the indictment. We all knew by now that the signatory was supposed to be Lynda Teo, and that she was unavailable now.

         Where was Lynda?

         Only William Chung knew.

         Actually, William Chung knew where Lynda Teo was, it was just that he could not gain admission into the hospital ward to meet with Lynda in person. Who was preventing him from visiting Lynda? Was it the Hospital of St Stevens or Lynda Teo herself?

         The answer lay with Lynda and Lynda alone.

Running away from no one but myself ….

Chapter 1

The train glided through the surface of the railways without any signs of wear and tear. The momentum of the ride put me to sleep intermittently. 

I moved a little, so that Sally could rest her little head on my shoulder to sleep. Sally falls asleep whenever I was on the train with her. Whenever she was asleep, I would take out my reading material and gobble up the news and plan for what to do tomorrow. 

We have been on the run for the past twelve hours, and so far, we have been successful. I knew that if I did not contact him again, he would never be able to find me. Michael would take Sally away from me again if he saw her.

Chapter 2

Sally was my only daughter and she was only three. Her face was that of mine, but the rest of her features resembled that of her father. I knew straight away why he wanted her, the moment she was born. 

On the day at the hospital, Michael invited his family, consisting of his father and two brothers to visit me, ostensibly to congratulate us but, his purpose was to take a picture of them with Sally alone without me. He said that he wanted to show them his pride. But he also took some pictures of his family with her at the cot, which was totally unnecessary. Why couldn’t he have waited? 

I mean, the child was barely a day’s old. 

I had not objected. I couldn’t have. I had no power to do so. I was weak and limp, lying on the hospital bed, having exhausted all of my brutal force and living energy into pushing Sally out of my womb. They said that I was using my neck to push, not my hip. But in the end, I got her out. 

It took me altogether eighteen hours, what seemed to be a lifetime. After the entire exercise, I had forgotten how I became pregnant, and how I came to the hospital. The hospital bed where I was lying seemed to be my home, and the surrounding tubes and scenery seemed to be so much a part of my existence. The nurses who came by to attend to me were my family now and the only people I knew. Of course, Dr Jack Stevens as well. 

Before I gave birth, Dr Jack told me that I was mildly anaemic, and prone to giddy spells if I were not careful. I must avoid yin foods at all costs. At the time, I merely nodded in agreement. I couldn’t have said anything to the contrary. He was the one with the medical degree, of course anything he said must be correct. Then he prescribed me with some iron liquid called “Floradix”. I drank it faithfully every morning with my breakfast with the cup of coffee which I needed so much to kick start the day. In fact, I needed another two cups of the beverage to restart the rest of the day at a four-hour interval. No harm done. I was told by the coffee manufacturers. 

Before I could finish my reading material, Sally woke up and she looked at me. I knew it was time I ordered some food for the both of us. From now, I was not alone, my timetable would have to revolve around Sally. I would do whenever I was prompted. But most of the time my mind was occupied on how to run away from Michael, or rather how to stop thinking of him. 

To run away from someone, first of all you must stop thinking of him. 

Chapter 3

Lunch consisted of a piece of fish fillet, and a bowl of creamy mushroom soup, on top of a bread bun. I relished at the pure creamy butter and I ate up the entire fish. You couldn’t say that I was not a greedy person. It was greed that made me marry Michael. Michael was a rich publisher. He owned seventy-six percent of the Real Gossip Times. I saw his financial portfolio before I decided to pursue him. That was despite the gossip in his own newspaper publication that he was suing his ex-partner for a libel. I made myself known as a good accountant to help him balance his financial sheets, as I marketed myself up as a candidate for matrimony. Michael did not take long to pick up the cue. We hit on like a house on fire. News of our marriage was splashed on his own media which made it altogether unnecessary for us to announce it on the Instagram. 

Yes, many people recognized me since then. I needed only to walk into a café before a waiter would come up to greet me as “Mrs. Leong”. In the beginning I liked that, but not when after Michael hit me that night. 

I could not say with any amount of certainty who precipitated the fight. It could have been either one of us. But fact was that Michael used violence on me. Nobody had hit me in my entire life. Not even when I had thrown Benny my brother’s favourite toy onto the floor. Our father died when he was seven years old. But that was not the main purpose of my talking to you now. I wanted to talk about Michael. I wanted you to help me run away from Michael now. I didn’t ever want to have anything to do with Michael. I wanted him to cease to exist. 

No use talking about it without any firm actions. I picked up the lunch tray and called for the train service. The waitress came and looked puzzled as to why I was so impatient. There was still two pieces of prawns left on the plate. She looked at me, and before she realized that there was anything amiss, I quickly picked up the cup of coffee and said, “Sorry I still want the coffee,” and then I allowed her to decide if she wanted to remove the tray. 

Chapter 4

Three more stops, and then we would reach Blue Lake. The Lake District has a quaint hotel for long-term stay, I read it in the newspapers. They were all standard size suites one room with a kitchenette and a bathroom and a living room with internet supply. I needed the internet all the time. I needed to know if Michael knew of my whereabouts, so that I could decide if I should stay on at any location. 

The most difficult part of this exercise is not to allow Michael to read my mind. We have been married for three years now and shared a child together. It was hard not to allow him to read me. Of course, I have changed my mobile number. 

I have changed my mobile twice. And now, I couldn’t even recall my current number. Sally was still too young to own one. In the first place, she won’t know how to use it either. That made everything the more difficult. I could never allow Sally out of my sight. 

Sally celebrated her third birthday with me alone this year. I picked her up from the preschool and we went straight to board the train, carrying with us a suitcase that contained two sets of clothes each and our daily necessities. I had also packed some pain killers in case I got those unbearable headaches again. 

Luckily the train master waited for me even though I was late. A little surprised, but I thought nothing of it. I had paid for a first-class ticket for an adult and a child, and they were not inexpensive. That must have been part of the service of a first-class ticket. 

And then I also got the car attendant to help me with putting up my luggage on the overhead compartment. My luggage was the type with casters, and you could use one hand to push it around. I had trouble hiding it from Michael as his suspicion would be aroused if he saw me with a new luggage. I didn’t want to use an old one as they were all stacked in his study, and if I started packing, I would have to go into his study. Michael spent most of his time in his study. I was often called into his study to give him his meals. He ate at irregular hours and we didn’t eat together at the dining table like most families did. And after Sally arrived, we stopped sitting at the dining table altogether. 

No, our relationship was not estranged. It was just that we both wanted Sally and Michael started to become possessive over her. I had to take Sally away from him before it got worse.

Chapter 5

After some coffee I felt much better. Rejuvenated, I got up and took Sally a walk down the aisle, and finally ended up at the lavatory. It was locked, so we had to return to our seats. The train came to a halt suddenly, and after all the lights in the cabin had been turned on, only then did I realize that it was approaching nightfall. The weather was cold, and Sally snuggled up my chest under my coat to get some warmth. 

I asked for some warm milk, which was a little unusual. But nonetheless the car attendant complied. Customer service was still the call of the day. She came back within five minutes, and I scooped away all the froth on the top of the glass before I gave it to Sally. Sally could only finish half, so that I drank the other half. Returning the glass without emptying it would be rude since I specifically asked for it, a dish not on the menu. 

“Could you let me know when the lavatory is empty again?” I asked the car attendant politely. She smiled and gave a loud yes, clearly it was part of her duty to do so. And so, I became bored again. I knew that there was nothing productive to do at the moment, until we reach Blue Lake. 

Unless Michael was on the train with us. 

Chapter 6

The train started to move again. I liked it whenever the train moved from a standstill to a higher speed. The gradual acceleration made me feel that I was going ahead, moving onto something greater, although I had no idea what my higher calling would be. I always felt that I was too good for Michael. Michael was only rich, but he has many character flaws that made him a trash. 

No, I wasn’t more educated, nor that I was better looking. It was just that after meeting Dr Jack, I became discontent. Dr Jack Stevens was a married man, so that the prospect of changing partners would be too troublesome and inconvenient – imagine having to file for two sets of divorce papers. In any case, Dr Jack never paid enough attention to me to warrant a serious consideration. 

But that I have out-grown Michael. Especially since after Sally was born. You could say that the purpose was achieved. The idea of matrimony was to produce an offspring. Once a child is born, we would have fulfilled our duty to our parents. We came into this world to procreate. We lived our lives as happily as we could and should by all means be happy unless prevented from doing so. 

But that Sally’s appearance had caused me to reconsider Michael. For the first time I saw him as an outsider, an alien. Now Sally was part of me, Michael was only there to help me make Sally. He was no longer important now. I told myself I wanted Sally only and Michael’s presence only intruded into the space so sacredly shared by me with my child. And of course, Dr Jack was part of this new world since he helped me in the whole process of delivering Sally. 

No, Dr Jack was not an issue. He was not part of the equation. There was no change of heart, I did not fall in love with Dr Jack. No external factors had come in. It was just Michael, Sally and me. You could say that between Michael and Sally, I had chosen Sally. 

Yes, I had forgotten to ask Sally if she wanted her father. It was careless of me not to check first before I brought her out of the house with the suitcase last night. 

The train was still moving at a steady momentum. 

I couldn’t help thinking of the past …. 

Chapter 7

It was not until I reached Blue Lake that I realised that I had started thinking of Michael again. Over the night, I had systematically erased all conversations with him, and I had started talking to the receptionist at the hotel. I made a switch and started talking to Daisy, the girl who helped me book the room at the hotel. She said that I could check in early as the guests for the room I had reserved was vacated early in the morning and if I was there after 10:00 a.m. the chambermaids would have cleaned up the room already. 

Finally, I saw the Garden Bells Lodge in front of me. It was somewhat milky. Yes, milky, that was the way I would describe it. The building was neither white nor grey. If you said that it was white, it was coated with stains that made it looked greyish. But that you couldn’t call it grey either. I decided that it was not necessary to determine the colour of the wall before I checked in. 

“Hello, are you Daisy?” I asked. 

“No. And may I know if you are booked for a room?” the girl at the counter was not rude, but rather detached. 

I decided not to take issue with her. 

“I was told that I could check in early,” I said. 

“What room number did she give you?” the girl asked. By now I could see that she had blue fingernails. 

“No, she didn’t give me any room number,” I replied obediently. 

“Then I am afraid you have to wait,” she said, showing her blue fingernails once more. 

“How long would that be?” I became worried. Sally had to have a place to rest. 

“Maybe, one, two hours,” she was most unconcerned. 

“Oh, I will wait.” I dare not quarrel with her. I had come this far, and I didn’t have another place to go to. 

“Alright then, put your name here, be careful of the ink, it smudges,” she handed me a pen reluctantly. 

It looked like I was unwelcomed. Maybe she had too many guests. Was this a holiday season? I had almost forgotten that today was the twenty-second of December, nearing Christmas. There weren’t any Christmas carols in the background to remind me either. 

I deliberately omitted to write Leong in Sally’s surname column and checked her in as the “accompanying child under twelve”. Then I handed the girl back my form after filling out the rest of the details. I waited for her response gingerly. 

She nodded her head but did not say a word. 

I didn’t know what that meant so I went away to sit at one of the lounge chairs, bringing Sally and the suitcase with me. I was getting very tired after the long journey. 

Half an hour later, another girl came to us and handed me a large key engraved with the number 507. 

“Is it on the fifth floor?” I asked. 

“You’ll see,” this other girl was equally unresponsive. 

I knew that I was in an uncharted territory so that I refrained from any form of compliant. Hugging Sally and lugging my suitcase, I took the lift up with this girl. But I couldn’t help asking, 

“Are you Daisy?” 

“No,” came the reply. Not a word was said about Daisy. 

She could have told me where Daisy was! 

I needed to talk to Daisy! I had been speaking with Daisy all this while! 

After several steps, we reached the corridor. We walked past several doors and we found ourselves right in front of room 507. 

This girl promptly handed me the key and started to walk away without another word. I became quite frustrated with her service but nonetheless I opened the door myself and proceeded to walk in. 

The first thing I did was to see if anyone else was inside. 

And then quickly I locked the door and drew the curtains apart to let the natural light shine in. 

Sally was already very tired. 

“Mummy, can I sleep now?” 

“Of course, you can.” I went to the bed and pulled down the bed cover. 

And then I saw a note.

Chapter 8 

“Welcome to the Garden Bells Lodge” it read. 

My mood with the poor service attitude was uplifted immediately. And I quickly started to unpack, when actually I had carried with me very little belongings. 

After the excitement of running away had worn off, I became deflated, and I wanted to be alone to plan my next move. Luckily Sally climbed into the sheets quickly and left me alone. 

Sally was not a difficult child. I was the one who was difficult when I was a little girl – my mother had told me that. 

No, I did not tell Sally that I had left her father. No one knew. 

I took out my laptop, the only useful possession that I have, and I tried to log into the job search market. I was told that I could find a job easily from the internet. Instead I was redirected to a page that sold pre-loved items and contained luxurious holiday packages. I was a stupid woman that became a stupid wife. They said that stupidity has no cure. Whatever made me believe that my marriage with Michael Leong will last forever? 

I tried to send one more message and when it wasn’t delivered I checked the name of the sender again and was sure that it was correct. I remembered that I had booked a room with internet service. Why was it not working now? Someone must have been at the backend intercepting all my outgoing messages. But who could it be? Who would want to do a wicked thing like that? 

Frustrated, I left my laptop alone for a while and then I went to the bathroom to wash my hands again. Although I had not been out of the room since I last washed my hands, I washed my hands whenever I was agitated. I watched the smooth running of the tap water as I placed my clean hands under it. The water was cold and it woke me up. At home the water was always lukewarm. And then I realised that the hotel had not provided me with handwash gel. Reluctantly I removed the wrapping paper for the bar of soap and I told myself not to be a nuisance to the hotel concierge, so that I refrained from calling for a bottle of the soap gel. 

Satisfied with my level of hygiene I went back to the bedroom. I watched the television for a while then I got really bored. Because I didn’t want to wake up Sally I muted the volume. Images without sound was most unconvincing. I went back to my laptop again. 

I couldn’t help thinking of Michael. What would he do when he found out that we were gone? We had left the house for more than nineteen hours by now. We boarded the train from Northland at 6:25 p.m. and we arrived here at Blue Lake to check in. Now it was almost 1:00 p.m. 

Oh yes, it was time for dinner. Sally would wake up very soon and she would want to eat. I have not prepared anything for her. She usually ate spaghetti and minced meat. I picked up the room menu and tried to see if they offered it. The menu was hastily prepared to encourage guests to eat at the restaurants. Disappointed, I went in to the toilet to wash my hands again. 

For the first time I looked at Sally carefully, as though I was an outsider. She has thin lips, a feature that her father has. And her face is sharp, whereas my face was square. It was good that she looked like her father, for this refuted any notion that Sally was not Michael’s child, and that I was a faithful wife. What really mattered was that I was a good mother. Perhaps I should tell you now, before I forgot what it was that decisively made me walk out on Michael. Yes you were right. I saw a woman’s photograph in his wallet. At the time I was unsure if it were left there carelessly with disregard to my discovery, or was it done to show me. I did not confront Michael about this. 

Chapter 9

People did things because it was good for them, out of sheer compulsion, not because they wanted to harm you. I told myself and decided that no one was intercepting my emails and that there was a strong possibility that the hotel was experiencing a down time. I should just ignore it and watch some television. 

But then I heard Michael talking to me: 

“You should take a rest and let someone else look after Sally,” Michael said. 

And I replied: 

“No one can look after her as well as me,” 

And then Michael again: “Look! No one wants to deprive you of Sally!” 

And I replied: 

“I don’t want anyone to go near Sally,” 

Michael said: “You are too exhausted, you haven’t slept in three days,” 

“No, I can’t sleep when Sally is awake,” I answered. 

The conversation went on. I tried to stop it by going into the toilet to powder my face. I managed to find my makeup pouch without too much trouble, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had packed two colours of the lipstick.

Sally was awake, staring at me from the bed in a sitting position. I gave her a wry smile, and I plucked up the courage to tell her that Mummy would be looking after her from now on without Daddy. 

If Sally was too young to understand what that meant, she was not too young to comprehend that I had taken her away from her usual familiar surroundings. She looked at me, and she blinked a few times and moved her lips. 

I knew that she was unhappy. 

Chapter 10

This morning before I went down, I put on two necklaces – one for protection and the other for blessings. The one for protection I wore it behind my back, in case someone attacked me from behind. And the one for blessings I put it right in front for those who wished me well. I had predicted that I might get into trouble with the hotel today. They were still reluctant to reveal where Daisy was. 

Chapter 11

I was used to coming out from the shower in my under garments. My new set of clothes I usually left it on the bed in the bedroom. Sally was too young to know that I was not fully clothed. In any case, it was between mother and daughter, so it was alright. 

During my shower I thought I heard some noises. Sally was asleep when I went into the shower, and the television was off. When I came out, I heard a knock on the door. I ignored it again, this time thinking that it was some noises from the corridor or the sound of the neighbour having a loud conversation. I certainly didn’t invite anybody in, neither did I order room service, so, the visitor couldn’t have been looking for me. But the noise persisted, it became distinct and more urgent. I realized by now that I had to attend to it. I put on my bathrobe and went to the door as for all you know it could have been the elusive Daisy.

It was the greatest mistake of my life. For when I opened the door, I saw a man, dressed in a full suit, with a tie to compliment the seriousness of his mission. 

“You are Sally’s mother?” he asked. 

I could not deny it. Sally was my daughter, my only child. My existence would have been meaningless if I did not give birth to Sally. 

“May I know what you want?” I asked, before I volunteered any information. 

“I come from Kramer and Walker the solicitors’ office acting for Michael Leong your husband. I was told that his little girl by the name of Sally Leong is in your care now. May I come in and take a look?” 

Before I could deny entry, he stormed in, pushing me aside. Behind him was a woman also in her early thirties. She looked just as smart as he was. 

Wait! Do you have any documentation to prove that you come from Michael Leong?” I asked. 

The man was ready. He handed me a letter with a signature on it. It was Michael’s signature. 

But I couldn’t hand over Sally, not when I have come so far, not when I could not be sure that this wasn’t just a hoax. In any case, even if he came from Michael, I would not let get go of Sally. 

He went straight to the bed, where Sally was lying. Sally was awake. she had no idea what was going on. And if she had not acquired the skill to recognise faces by now, she certainly knew that this was a stranger. 

“Wooooo …. ” Sally started crying. I rushed to the bed where the man was standing. He was quicker than I. He picked up Sally, and by this time his accomplice was also inside the room. She blocked me from going nearer. 

Wait! You can’t just take my daughter!!! I shouted. 

My protest was completely ignored.

Help! I wanted to call housekeeper. They have been serving me they would know how to help me. Between the two of them they got Sally in his arms and they headed for the door. Help! Help! 

I shouted but no one heard me. And I doubted if anyone wanted to intervene. This was a quiet hotel on the south in a remote part of the country. I was driven to calling for divine intervention now. But Jesus was too far away, I had to go into serious prayer before I could summon the angels to drop by. I shouted again, 

“HELP!” “HELP!” “HELP!” 

It was as though even the hotel had planned it. The two of them walked swiftly along the corridor and went straight into the lift. The lift was waiting for them with the door wide open. I tried to get into the lift with them, but the man pushed me out, Sally was crying, no one was at the lift lobby to witness this abduction. I tried to jar the lift door open, but the man pushed me away. And then the lift door closed in on me. I was outside, and Sally was inside. 

I looked at the lift panel, the number descending slowly to number 1.

Chapter 12

They had left. The two kidnappers had left with my daughter. I sat on the floor, my body in a kneeling position, with only my bathrobe covering my body, shaking with the chilled air from the airconditioning. Under the dim corridor lights I had only my shadow by my side. And even then, it was too faint to make a clear silhouette. For the first time, I wished that Michael was around. He would know what to do under such a situation. He won’t let Sally disappear and in the first place, wasn’t he actually the one who asked these two guys to kidnap Sally?! 

They were from Michael’s side. So that if I wanted Sally back, I could look for Michael. Not all is lost. 

There were too many questions lodging in my head now. My life had been turned upside down. I was no longer myself, I needed Sally in order to call myself a mother. I needed Sally to put a schedule to my activities. Sally would let me know when I should eat, when I should sleep, and when I should have the television on or not. Sally would …. Oh my God! SALLY! WHERE ARE YOU??? 

Chapter 13

It took me quite a while to realise that I must get hold of my handphone now. I have to call Michael! I have to inform him of this disaster! Never mind who sent these two guys here. Fact was that they took Sally. They should rightfully be called kidnappers! 

Yes, my daughter was kidnapped! 

Under ordinary circumstances I must call the police. But I was on the run, I was a fugitive, I was running away from the watchful eye of my husband. It didn’t make sense for me to contact him now. My phone call to him now would be exactly what he was waiting for. I could imagine him sitting by the desk on his lounge chair picking up the phone and saying, 

“Hello, dear Charlotte, how can I help you?” 

But that was not what he said. Instead, when I rang Michael, the first thing he said was, 

“Tell me where you are, I can pick you up,” 

I hesitated to give him the answer. 

And then I hung up the phone on him. I was too distressed and too confused to say anything now. All I wanted was to cry. Why did I ever open the door? Didn’t they teach you in school that you should never open the door to strangers? 

I sat by the edge of the bed, and I slowly began to take off the bathrobe to change into my clothes, the set that I lay out on the bed earlier on. And then I went back into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I had no makeup on. After the shock I looked horrid. But I no longer had the inclination to apply any makeup on my face to spruce myself up. What was there to do? Who was I trying to impress? 

Oh yes, I needed to see the hotel concierge. To ask them who came up to my room just now. I did not remember telling anyone that I came here. So, who let out the secret? Why wasn’t I informed before they came up? 

I went out of my room, down the corridor where my child was forcibly taken away from me, and I managed to step into the lift this time. No one else was inside. I saw the numbers descending from five to four, then it stopped at three. 

The door opened and a man in a blue striped shirt walked in. He looked at me, and then he gave me a queer look. I had nothing to say to him. And then he said, almost reluctantly, 

“Is this intentional?” 

“Intentional what?” I asked. 

“Your blouse is completely unbuttoned, is this some kind of a new fashion?” 

Quickly I put my hands on my chest, and then I tried to laugh it off, 

“Sorry, sir, I ….. I ….” and then I broke down. 

The man was startled, he tried to calm me down by saying, 

“Madam, I am indeed very sorry. I don’t mean to insult you, I was just curious, if you don’t mind, we could go somewhere for a coffee.” 

This was not on the agenda, but that since the offer came, and as I had no one else to turn to, I had better take it up. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me what to do. 

Chapter 14

In life you might knew who your friends were, but you never knew who your enemies were. They were always lurking in the corner, wondering when they could attack you. I was almost certain that this man in the lift was here to harass me. Nonetheless I followed him out of the lift and into the lounge lobby and walked towards the coffee house. 

I waited for the man to begin. 

“Let me introduce myself. I am a lawyer and I have a practice at Pleasant Valley Street. Over the years I have come to a certain lifestyle that I come to enjoy. And if you would allow me, I could make you a part of this comfortable existence.” 

My mind was blank. I merely encountered him at the lift, he had no business to demand my time and attention talking rubbish. What has his lifestyle got to do with me? 

In the first place, wasn’t I planning on going to the concierge? Immediately I stood up to walk away. He grabbed hold of me, his grip strong and powerful. 

I melted back into the chair again. 

“What do you want from me?” I had no idea what he was getting at. 

“I am telling you that I can help you,” this man said. 

“And let me reintroduce myself, my name is James, and I am a solicitor,” 

“James as in James Bond? So, you are a spy,” I tried to make fun of him. 

But he was not offended. 

“I heard what happened earlier on in the evening at the corridor,” James revealed. 

“Then why didn’t you help me???” I became angry. 

“I had a guest in my room at the time, and I was discussing something very important,” James explained. 

“More urgent that intervening to help a woman in need? My child was being kidnapped!” I began to confront James. 

“Solicitors are not in the habit of doing heroism, imagine what would have happened if I stood in the way …. I would end up with a bruise leg and a broken arm,” 

“I have to go,” I had no patience for this man. I was not about to engage a solicitor. What I really needed was the police, although I have not yet established that it was Michael that authorised the kidnapping. And if it were Michael, then it couldn’t even have been kidnapping since he was the father. 

“What do you want from me?” I asked him a second time. 

I summoned up the courage to walk away at this time, I was going to the concierge, I needed to identify the two kidnappers. The hotel must have a CCTV recording of what happens in their premises. 

When I arrived at the front desk, before I could explain my purpose, the girl asked me, 

“Who are you going to vote for?” 

The sentence triggered a raw nerve in me. 

I replied, “Definitely not Michael. Period.” 

“Huh? You mean there is another candidate?” “I thought it was just Biden and Trump?!” The girl looked appalled she was the one with the blue fingernails who checked me in. 

I was in no mood to enter into any conversation on politics, so I merely gave her the bottom line by saying, 

“Listen, I came here to ask you if you have any footage of the corridor outside my room number 507, two persons came into my room and kidnapped my daughter earlier on in the evening,” 

“Kidnapped?!!!” the girl opened her mouth wide. 

“Yes, I need an image of the kidnappers in order to show it to the police,” 

“Would you like me to call the police for you now?” at once the girl asked. 

“No, I don’t think that helps,” I still remembered that I was on the run. 

“Then let me try and find the evidence for you, if indeed we do have the CCTV recording,” 

I thanked the girl profusely before turning away. 

James was still patiently waiting for me at the coffee house. For when I went back there again later actually to have coffee, he was still sitting at the same table. He stood up the minute I walked in to attract my attention. 

I didn’t want to offend him again, so I joined him, this time on purpose. 

“Glad to have you back again,” the man was elated. 

I knew that he needed to conclude his speech, probably rehearsed several times whilst I was away. 

“You have no idea how much work is involved in an abduction, …. ” 

James went on and on, until his handphone started ringing. 

I had no idea who was on the other side of the line.

Chapter 15

Whereas the image I had of Daisy was bright and chirpy the real Daisy was not what I expected her to be. Her face was gaunt, with sunken eyes, she stared at me without as much as a blink. The best way that I could describe her was that she was another version of Mrs Danvers in the classic novel “Rebecca”. 

“I understand that you were looking for me,” she began. 

“Yes, that was yesterday. But today things have changed somewhat, I need your help in another matter now, no, two matters,” I wasted no time in making my requests. 

“Certainly, madam,” although she was somewhat unfriendly Daisy was solicitous. That was to be expected of a hotel standard. 

“My daughter was kidnapped earlier on this evening, at about 7 to 7:30 p.m.” by now I could pinpoint the time. 

“I assume you want me to make a report for you, this is part of our hotel service. We can also engage a bodyguard for you in case you are worried about your own safety as well,” she volunteered. 

“No, I can assure you that it’s not me they want,” I said. 

“Then the other matter?” Daisy was efficient. 

“I met a man who claimed that he was a solicitor,” I saw that James was not anywhere around before I mentioned this, “and I would like you to verify for me if this was indeed true,” I continued. 

“That is simple, we have all our guest declare their profession before they checked in, but however madam, I am not here at liberty to disclose their information, due to confidentiality,” Daisy lowered her voice. 

But I added, in order to convince her, 

“He wanted me to engage him, so I need to be sure that he is what he claimed to be,” 

“Doesn’t he have a name card or something of the kind?” the woman was smart. 

At this time, I knew that I had to look for James again. And this time I might have to knock on every single room on the third floor before I could locate him. 

Chapter 16

Like a phantom in the opera, James appeared at the lift lobby just as I was about to go down to the coffee house for breakfast. 

The usual table, the usual man, James. 

“Slept well last night?” he began. 

“I want your name card,” the first things I said. I remembered Daisy’s advice. 

“There you go,” James handed me a card. It read: 

James Baker, Barrister and/or Solicitor, Baker and Associates, 70 Pleasant Valley Street, Brisbane Qld 4512, Australia. 

I took a few minutes before I could compose myself. This was one big step forward, engaging a solicitor. I knew that I had come this far and there was no way in which I could turn back now. For now, James was the only available friendly soul in the vicinity. Of course, I still had Daisy, whom I was connected to since I left Northland. 

“I can’t afford to pay you,” I said. Money was always the uppermost concern. 

“You can pay me after you have gotten the maintenance, monies which I would fight for you. I know that your husband is a rich man.” James did not mince his words. 

The waitress who had been standing by waiting to pour me the coffee came up, 

“Want some sugar and milk Madam?” holding a jug she offered. 

“Er, no, yes, no, ok ….,”, I allowed her to pour some milk into the brown liquid. 

“Fine. The affidavit will be ready for you to sign by tomorrow morning. I will see you here as usual,” James picked up the bill and said, “Let me.” 

And then swiftly he got out of the chair and before I could see which direction he was heading, he disappeared out of my sight. 

Chapter 17

I was almost hundred percent sure that Michael was the one who authorised the abduction of Sally. His signature on the paper was clear evidence of it. No one could have forged his cursive hand. I told myself that I should ring Michael himself to confirm that Sally was indeed with him. But that I was prevented from doing so by my own fear. Fear that if I should call him, he would find out my whereabouts. I was not used to lying, least of all to Michael. Several times I wanted to pick up the phone, and several times I put it down again instead of dialling the number. I know that my utmost priority now would be to file for custody. 

But I am filing for custody based on the assumption that care and control lay with the father. Could it have been possible that Sally was being held up by the kidnappers? 

Chapter 18

I walked up to the woman who had a hair clip in the shape of a fish pinned on her hair. You could see the bones of the fish in ivory white if you stared closer. 

“Good morning, have you found the CCTV?” I demanded.

Daisy was concerned. She quickly logged off from her computer, squibbed something, and walked out from behind the front desk to come closer to talk to me. Surprised, I backed off a little. 

“Listen, I have someone who could help you in your predicament,” she said, holding out a note in her hand. 

I took a look at the note, it was written, Sau Pompeo, No. 3 Butterfly Street, Blue Lake, Brisbane City, Australia. 

“Who is this? And where is this place?” I almost called her Mrs Danvers. 

“This is a fortune teller. He is pretty accurate; he can tell you how you are doing and give you some tips on where to get what you want. Meaning he could guide you on how to go about securing your goals. No one comes to Blue Lake without dropping by his abode, it is just ten minutes’ drive from here. You could walk if you want, perhaps half hour,” 

“You mean to say that he can help me locate the whereabouts of Sally?” 

“Yes, something like that, he can make predictions with eighty percent accuracy,” Mrs Danvers, no, Daisy said. 

“I guess instead of making a police report, this is preferable,” I said. 

“Or would you want to call your husband first,” Daisy was becoming more involved. 

“Yes, I rang him last night, he asked me where I was, but he did not tell me that Sally was with him,” 

“So, there is a possibility that the persons who took your daughter might have been someone else,” Daisy carried on. 

“They had a note with Michael’s signature,” I said. 

“Did you read the note carefully?” Daisy doubted. 

“It was on the letterhead of his publishing firm, no one but his staff could have gotten hold of such a piece of paper, they are very strict there,” I murmured. 

“Then you had better see Sau. He would be able to tell you if the abductors were indeed ordered by your husband,” 

“Without any concrete evidence?” I queried. 

“His methods of astrology are very sharp, you would be surprised,” Daisy said. By now I could see how many bones the fish on her hair pin had. 

I merely said thank you before I rushed out of the hotel to hail a taxi, forgetting to drop by concierge to request for one. 

Chapter 19

The road to the fortune teller’s abode was lined with pebbles, and as I walked out of the taxi, my feet stepped on a puddle of mud which ruined my Ferragamo shoes. I at once regretted coming here. But curiosity took the better part of me. I arrived at the half-open iron gate. 

Without much effort, I pushed the gate wide open and walked in. 

Two faded pictures of a man and a woman hung high up on the wall greeted every visitor. I shivered a little, it was obvious that the two characters on the wall had already departed from this world. I looked around and found a three-seater sofa to sit on. I hesitated and walked around a little until I heard a man’s voice, 

“I don’t believe you!” he said. 

And then I heard another voice, this one more muffled. 

The two voices were talking to each other, at regular exchange, one more urgent then the other. The calmer voice seemed to be in control of the situation. 

I decided that the voices would take some time to conclude their conversation, so that I sat down on the sofa, taking the place on the right. No one else was with me in the abode. 

I knew why it was called an abode, the entire house consisted of only the sofa, a tinted glass wall with a broken door, and a large clock without a second hand. I checked that it told the correct time. 

And then after five minutes I looked at the clock again and was satisfied that the longer hand had moved. 

There seemed nothing to do except to wait for the man inside the door to come out. 

“No, I don’t believe you!” Again, he said, the urgent voice. 

“I am telling you that she is two-timing you,” now I could hear the other calmer voice. 

“If you don’t believe me, I challenge you to go and ask her,” the voice became louder, I heard. 

How long are they going to be at this? I was getting impatient. I looked at my watch, and then at the wall clock, their time synchronising. 

Just as I was thinking of giving up, a man stormed out of the door. He was a large man in a loose shirt wearing shorts with a pair of sneakers two sizes too large. I only saw this sort of attire at the wet market. 

He hardly looked at me, I think he did not notice me. I saw him disappeared into the main road out of the abode, with the man who was inside coming after him saying, 

“Hey! You have not paid me!” 

I looked at this other man, and I said, “Is it my turn now?” 

The man looked at me, surprised that I was there. 

“Yes, of course, where are you from?” followed by, 

“Come in, sit down here on this chair,” the man ordered. He looked just as uncouth as the earlier man who stormed out. 

For reason, I felt obliged to sit down. 

Then the man, I called him the fortune teller, sat down in front of me. Behind him I could see a few Buddhist relics, I shivered a little, even though there was no air-conditioning. 

The fortune teller clapped his hands and ordered, “Come out now!”, presumably talking to some spirits present in the atmosphere. I felt uneasy and queer, as I knew that he was communicating with some unknown forces. I looked around, there was no one else in sight. 

Then he began, “Tell me your name,” 

Automatically I gave him my name, he asked me how to write it in Chinese, and I told him. 

The next thing he asked was my date of birth. This also I told him. 

“What time was it on the twenty-first?” he wanted to be precise. 

“I can’t say,” I said. 

“You don’t know?” he asked. 

“No, yes, I know,” I replied. 

“Then you must tell me, otherwise I can’t read your chart accurately,” he explained. 

“Alright, it is at 8:46 a.m.,” I was proud that I knew the exact hour. 

He wrote the details on a calendar pad in front of him. All these while he consulted with a book, I could see that it was well read as several pages were coming off the binding, some of the corners of the book cover was torn. I waited for an answer. He was supposed to read my fate. 

“2006 and 2007 were the worst years of your life,” he pronounced without as much as a pause, as though he was running on a railway track, he continued, 

“… and that you are now in the midst of a rising upward trend of a four-year cycle … you could use this time to consolidate your strengths – ”

Before he could finish, I interrupted, “What happens after four years?” 

He looked at me, and then buried his head in the pages, 

“Don’t worry you still have four years,” and then he added, 

“Four years is a long time.” 

I became a little worried and I looked worried. 

“Well, not to worry, you will meet some eminent person in the month of January … just look out for him,” he offered his advice. 

I was stunned for a while, then I confessed, 

“Yes, you are right about the 2006 and 2007, they were indeed the darkest days of my life, how did you know?” I had forgotten that he was a fortune teller. Reading my fate was supposed to be his job. 

The man became rather proud of himself, and he continued to press me, 

“Do you have any children?” 

“Yes,” I was now more open. 

“You have a daughter,” he said. 

“How did you know?” I kept forgetting that he could read my situation. 

“And you are now looking for her ….,” the man continued. By now I could study his face, he had very bad complexion. And his eyes were too close to each other. 

“Listen, I came here to find out if you could help me find my daughter,” I suddenly realised that since he was so accurate in reading my fate, he would be able to tell me where Sally was. 

“No, I am afraid not. I am not the lost-and-found department. I can only tell you about the past, I can’t predict the future for you. All I may do is to give you some pointers,” 

“Ok, got it. Thanks!” I tried to sound as cheerful as I could. My purpose here was not accomplished. 

And then without warning he suddenly stood up, 

“Time’s up,” he said. 

“Huh?” I was surprised, I was beginning to enjoy the session. It was fun, having someone tell you things he knew about you without having met you before. And darn accurate too. 

“This is my name card, come back another time,” 

“Do I have to pay you?” I asked. Everything must have a consideration. 

“It’s up to you, pay me according to your conscience” he lamented. 

I dished out a hundred dollar note from my wallet, and I placed it on the table, beside his paper weight – a large porcelain butterfly. And then reluctantly I got up from the chair and I walked towards the door. I turned the doorknob and I walked out of the abode, passed the sofa, passed the two dried potted plants standing by the entrance. 

I was surprised that the fortune teller did not come after me. 

Chapter 20

I spent the rest of the day walking aimlessly digesting the information I got from the fortune teller. How could he be so accurate? And who is this eminent guy that will appear in January? Finally, as I could not gain any headway, I went back to my hotel room, determined to confront Michael. 

“Is Sally with you?” I asked without wasting time. 

“Where are you now?” was his answer. 

“Did you send someone to take Sally away?” I wanted my answer. 

“Tell me where you are first, then I will tell you the rest of the story,” he said. 

“Ok, I am done with you,” I was still determined to stay away from Michael. 

I hung up on him again, this time more resolute for a divorce. 

By now I was hundred percent sure that Sally was with Michael. 

Chapter 21

James took out his pen from his breast pocket when he handed me the document, prepared to file for custody of Sally. I glanced at the pages whilst he flipped at the document page after page, a gesture to demonstrate that I had read its contents. And then at the end of it, I wrote my signature down as legibly as I could. 

My mind drifted to the past and I began to recall once again why I had left Michael. Over the years Michael and I had accumulated a number of enemies, jointly and severally. I had decided to leave Michael the minute I saw that photograph in his wallet. No conclusion could be drawn except that he was having an affair with the pretty face. The fact that she looked much younger than I did nothing but to aggravate the jealousy I felt. 

But that I couldn’t care less. My concern was Sally. Michael could have the floozy for all I cared. This only strengthened my resolve to take Sally away from him. 

As though reading my thoughts, James caught hold of my hand, and he said, 

“I know it’s hard for you, Mrs Leong, but I am sure that you would be able to obtain custody of your child, not to mention care and control. The courts lean in favour of the mother, as the child has a natural bond with the biological mother,” he concluded. 

I let him speak, the words not fully sunken in, and I sat on the chair sipping more coffee. Coffee seemed to be the only liquid that I am taking nowadays. 

“Listen, I am free tonight, would you like to go to the movies with me? There are quite a few good films showing at the theatres,” he suddenly changed the topic. 

I looked at James blankly, wondering why I should go out with him. I had already signed the affidavit, he ought to leave me alone now. 

James was a rather chubby man in his late thirties, which most would say was in his prime. His dressing was not too ostentatious, but anyone could see that he has a certain amount of money. But I was not at all interested in him. He seemed more like a boring solicitor to me. 

“I don’t think I want to go to the movies. I am tired and I want to rest early tonight. Perhaps another time.” I dare not reject him outright. He was going to fight custody for me. 

And then I left the man at the dining table to finish up the large chunk of steak he ordered for himself. 

Chapter 22

The minute I arrived at the hotel front desk, Daisy said to me, 

“This hotel doesn’t see or hear anything,” 

Before I could respond, the woman said, 

“How was the movie last night?” 

How did she know? So, James had asked her to place the booking for the seats. 

“I did not go to the movies with James,” I retorted. 

“But that you slept with him,” Daisy said. 

“Who told you?!” I was shocked beyond believe! 

So, both James and Daisy had set me up. They had known each other and in communication all the while. 

I began to distrust James. 

Chapter 23

Without Sally by my side, I was scared of dying alone. Day after day I asked if I would want to go back to Michael. I tried to console myself by saying at least she was not with the kidnappers. And then I started to trace the sequence of events. 

How did the kidnappers get in touch with Michael? Did they come from him, or were they from an independent source whom Michael paid subsequently to secure her return? I drank coffee the entire night thinking of the possibilities. 

James was by my side all the while. He was a chain smoker and he waited for me to fall asleep every night before he left to go back to his own room. 

He simply concluded that my malady was loneliness, for which the only cure was to go to bed with him. 

Of course, I complied. If I were to commit adultery, Michael would have to divorce me, in order to save his face. James also reassured me that even if I had committed adultery it did not make me unfit to be a mother. It only made me a bad wife. And then he quoted from some precedents. 

Chapter 24

I found a stock of rose outside by the side of the door this morning. James was scheduled to arrive any minute so it couldn’t have come from him. It didn’t make sense as he could hand me the rose personally, that would have made the impact greater. 

Could it have come from Michael? 

So far there are only these two men in my life. Dr Jack Stevens had been dismissed a long time ago since the day I left the hospital. I had not been talking to him. 

I brought the flower in and put it in one of the drinking glasses the hotel provided and added sufficient water. Then I brought the glass to the windowsill for the sunlight. The afternoon shines in from this side of my room. 

And then I sat down by the chair and waited. 

Now that I have had a sexual relationship with someone other than Michael, I have broken the sacred vow of a one-man-one-woman law imposed by the church. Even if Michael did not know about it, I have become a sinner an adulteress in the Bible. I could not forgive myself. That was not what I had anticipated. It was Michael who broke the law, he was the one who was having a pretty face in his wallet. He was the one who started the infidelity in the first place, I merely followed his call. 

I felt wretched. 

The door opened, by now James had obtained another key card from the hotel to come in by himself – he said this was just in case I fainted in the bath or something like that. 

“I brought you some books,” he said, “You may want to stay in for the next few weeks, I have registered the Garden Bells Lodge as your place of residence for the other side to serve err … Michael’s affidavit on you.” 

“Will he name you as the third party?” this was my main concern. 

“Silly! Why would he know about us? It just happened last night!” James looked unusually cheerful. 

I was a nervous wreck by now, my life has been taken over by James, as he seemed to be telling me what to do now. What did he want out of all these? I started to think. Does he want marriage? Oh yes, I remembered now, in the beginning, his opening statement was that he wanted to make me a part of his comfortable existence … 

“A simple diamond ring will do …,” I found myself saying this. 

“Huh? Ring? Oh yes, the wedding ring and engagement ring from your husband belongs to you, it is your property, we are fighting for maintenance as well as a lump sum payment, you could use the price of this hotel stay as a basis of calculation … in fact … I think a more expensive standard should be applied …. And also, you need a car and a chauffeur …,” 

I could not be bothered about this anymore. All I wanted to know was whether Sally has had her spaghetti and whether she missed her mother. The most important thing now was to prevent the pretty face from getting acquainted with Sally. 

Surely Sally would know who her mother was! 

I thought about it and then I allowed James to hug me before going down to chance on Daisy again.

Chapter 25

“Madam, err, Mrs Leong, or can I call you Charlotte?” as I arrived at the lobby on the first floor, Daisy came up to me, just before I was going to the coffee house for dinner. 

Calling me by my name she seems to know that I am filing for divorce? Yes! Very soon I will no longer be Mrs Leong! 

“You can call me Charlotte directly,” I tried not to show my annoyance. 

“I think I owe you a duty to inform you,” she began, “but that is provided that you do not get alarm and take unnecessary actions. 

“Of course, you can tell me,” she could have just gone straight to the point. 

“Have you read it in the newspapers?” she began. 

I have been on the run, so I could not have been reading the news. And in any case, from three years ago since Sally arrived, I hardly bothered with any current affairs. 

“There was a very unfortunate event at this hotel just before you checked in,” 

“You mean the Garden Bells Lodge?” I began to get interested, even though I was still sleepy. I haven’t had my coffee yet. 

“Yes, this hotel. A young woman died in the premises; she was murdered by her husband. It seemed that she had an affair. The police came, and they arrested her husband …,” Daisy tried to sound as detached as she could making the facts sound like fiction. 

“Continue,” this time I ordered her. 

“Your room, Ma’am, ….,” 

“What about my room?” I got impatient, why couldn’t this woman talk to me without addressing me first. 

And then …. OMG!!! 

“Yes, you got it right,” Daisy was relieved that she need not elaborate further on the details. 

“Have you cleaned the room properly?” I was beginning to raise my voice. 

“Yes, of course. It is part of our duty to make sure that every room is thoroughly sanitised before we allowed our next guest to check in ….,” the woman swore. 

No wonder they refused to let me in! No wonder they took so long! No wonder the girls at the front desk were so uncooperative! 

Things were beginning to make sense now! 

THE ROSE! The stock of rose! It was for the deceased woman. 

James did not put the rose at the front door, neither did it come from Michael. Michael did not know where I was! 

Before Daisy could finished, I rushed to the lift, the lift was open, I stormed in and pressed the lift panel to order it to the fifth floor. I wanted to retrieve the rose and throw it away somewhere as fast as I could. It was a gift meant for the woman who died in the room! 

Especially since it was not accompanied with a note. 

By the time I arrived on the fifth floor, James was at the door waiting to go down. 

I pushed him aside and walked straight to the room. 

But when I walked in, there was no rose! I thought I had put it in the drinking glass. I went to the bathroom, the glass was where it should be, on the vanity counter. 

“Are you alright?” James stood behind me and asked. 

“Oh, no, oh, I was just …. Did you see any rose?” I needed to establish that I was not hallucinating. 

“No such thing. If you like, I could get one from the gift shop downstairs, I am sure that they must sell this kind of token,” was what he said. 

Ok, I am not seeing things. I told myself. “You must be strong Charlotte.” I repeated several times. 

I needed to sleep …. I needed to carry on …. I needed tomorrow to fight Michael. My relationship with Michael was no longer just irretrievably broken down but dangerously hanging. 

As I lay in bed tonight, I saw several ballerinas dancing in front of me, and I fell asleep with the sound of Swan Lake fading away. The television was on for me to wake up to the 9 o’clock news tomorrow morning. 

Chapter 26

This morning I woke up at 2:00 p.m. remembering the fortune teller’s mention of the eminent person who was due to appear in my life in January. 

My breakfast that was supposed to come via room service was left outside my front door. 

It was James who brought the breakfast tray in for me. 

“I know that you are mad at me,” he said the moment he saw me. 

“Yes, I am. I am mad at you for following me, for what happened to me,” I said. 

“Hey! What did I do wrong?” James defended himself. 

“I should not file for divorce,” I said, 

“I could lose Sally, if I lose the case,” I was less sure of myself now. I hadn’t seen Sally for a week. 

“Ok, if you want to go back to your husband, I am all for it,” the man said. 

“But how could you say such a thing?!” I began to yell at him. 

James had forgotten entirely about the fact that he slept with me! 

Or was I imagining things? Did I sleep with James? 

Wait! Daisy had said that this hotel had witnessed a murder, no, this room 507 specifically. Was my mind talking to the dead? 

Or did the fortune teller follow me home and that he was talking to me? 

No, no one was talking to me. 

I was talking to myself. 

I was talking to myself since the day I left Northland with Sally. 

How stupid I was! 

Northland was my home! Immediately I went to the desk by the window, took out the papers from the file which James had prepared for divorce, and I asked, 

“Have you filed this?” 

“To be honest, I have not. I was waiting for you to change your mind,” James told me plainly. 

“Your husband still cares about you,” he continued. “

Oh yeah, who told you? He told you himself?” I became angry. 

“No, Charlotte, I could see that. He rang me to tell me to persuade you to go home,” James confessed. 

I knew it. So, James and Daisy and now Michael had been in collusion now. They had set me up to this. The only consideration was that James got to sleep with me, and that Daisy got a guest to cleanse the spirits left by the dead woman in her hotel room 507. 

I went to the desk, picked up the divorce file, and I began to tear at the papers. 

“Destroying evidence per se is clever, but destroying inconsequential papers showed that of an angry mind,” James said. 

“So, you knew that you were not filing for divorce all the while?!” I was more than angry. 

“Yes, your husband had sent me here to watch over you,” the man finally told me the truth. 

“I hate you! I hate all of you!!” I shouted. 

And then I collapsed and broke down once more. 

Chapter 27

“Why did you throw my rose away?” I heard. 

“No, I didn’t,” meekly I replied. 

“Why did you kill me?” again the voice said, the woman heavy on my body. 

I tried to push her away, but that she was strong, her hand strangling my neck. 

“I didn’t kill anybody!” I shouted. But no one heard me. 

“Get away!” I shouted again. 

“Help me! Are you there Michael?” I shouted but it came out a whisper. 

“Michael! Michael? Michael!” I couldn’t even open my eyes. 

And then suddenly the grip on my neck loosened. 

I knew that it was gone when I finally opened my eyes. 

No one was in the room with me. 

I sat up on the bed, taking a while to realise that it was just a dream, and then I picked up my handphone to go down to look for Daisy. 

Thank God Daisy was at the front desk. She seemed to be available most of the time these days. 

“Daisy! I need your help!” 

The woman looked up at me, she seemed unable to comprehend why I was so flustered. 

“Mrs Leong, can I help you?” 

“Your room is haunted! The woman was still there!!” I demanded. 

“You mean Dolly?” Daisy asked. 

“Yes, Dolly! I don’t know her name, but she came just now,” I implored, still fresh from the experience. 

“I can assure you that the paramedics have taken her away,” Daisy said, she was firm, “I saw it with my own eyes,” 

“But she was in my room!” I exclaimed. 

“Ma’am, you are imagining things,” at once she replied. 

“Listen, I know that it’s good that you have to protect your hotel image,” 

“Ok, if you want proof, I can give you a picture of the dead woman,” 

“I didn’t see her face just now,” 

“Then I thought you just said that she was in your room?” 

“No, it was her spirit … yes, it was, … she left the moment I woke up,” I had to explain myself again. 

“Then that’s it, it is confirmed, Dolly was dead. If she could appear in a spirit form then she can no longer be alive,” and then Daisy continued. 

“Wait here. Let me show you a photograph of her,” Daisy said, she was helpful. 

Daisy did not take time to open her drawer, she fished out something from the pile of notes, and then she showed me a newspaper cutting. 

“Look at this! Did the presence look something like that?” She asked, with a tone of certainty. 

I peeped at the newspapers. And I jumped. 

It was she! It was the pretty face! 

And then I carried on, reading the headlines, “A woman in her early thirties has been found dead in the Garden Bells Lodge hotel, believed to be murdered by her husband as a result of her having an affair, although the fact of an affair has not yet been established by the authorities, but for now the man has confessed to the crime. They have no children.” 

I knew the truth now. 

Michael was having an affair with Dolly, and when her husband found out the truth, he murdered her. 

So, she deserved it! I was elated. And I almost wanted to tell Daisy about this. 

Seeing my mood changed, Daisy asked, 

“Are you alright?” “You look like you know the dead woman?”

“No, err … I don’t know her … she just looked familiar,” 

Of course, I couldn’t tell Daisy that she was the reason why I had left Northland Michael. 

“Could I take a copy of this news cutting?” I wanted to keep this as a souvenir, this is evidence of my triumph. 

“But why?” Daisy was reluctant. And at once, she snatched the news cutting from me, and put it back in her drawer again, before locking it up and saying, 

“Madam, I think your solicitor-friend is waiting for you at the coffee house. 

I took the hint, disappointed as I was, I knew I could not quarrel with her. She has been the one that I was talking to since I left Michael. 

“You can call me Charlotte from now on,” I said, and then I turned and walked away, not really wanting to meet James now. 

Chapter 28

The pretty face is dead now, I found myself asking if I should go back to Michael. I had not confronted him, and he had not confessed. No one mentioned the affair. And did I leave Michael because I wanted to take him away from Sally? 

All this while, I had forgotten an important fact – that I have slept with James. 

So that now things have become pretty complicated. 

I have no qualms about going back to Michael, now that someone else has taken revenge for me. Dolly’s husband had killed the woman who stole my husband from me. And Michael need never know about my one-nightstand with James, or was it two nights? 

Oh my God! 

How many times have I slept with James? 

At this juncture I knew straight away what I needed to do. 

Immediately I went to the coffee house, expecting James to be at the same usual table. 

James was nowhere to be found. 

Instead, Michael was sitting at the table that James and I were having our meals. 

Beside him was my dearest daughter Sally. 

Chapter 29

We were the author of our own fate. Life cannot be effected in a way that was entirely mathematical, although we were often persuaded by the situations we found ourselves in. 

“Mummy!” Sally cried. 

I rushed forward, grabbed the little girl with my open arms, and I shouted, 

“Sally! Where have you been?” and then, 

“Mummy missed you!” 

“No need to be so emotional,” Michael said quietly. 

“Can I have Sally back?” 

“Sally has never left you, we, have never left you,” was Michael’s voice. 

And then Charlotte heard: “Has Sally eaten her spaghetti?”

Charlotte replied: “I don’t know,”

The voice again: “Are you watching television now?”

And Charlotte replied: “No, I am not talking to you.”

Again he asked: “Are you coming back to me?”

Finally Charlotte said: “Cut.”

Slowly and systematically, Charlotte deleted the voice in her head, and with deliberation she locked the voice out of her head and shut it out of her mind, until the voice no longer existed in her realm of things. 

It was Dr Jack Stevens’ voice. 

If Charlotte was in obfuscation she no longer was. 

As for now, for sure she knew that Sally was safe with her. 

Chapter 30

The weather was cold as it was January, still Christmas. 

Dr Jack Stevens parked his car by the roadside at the lamppost in Northland. From there he could see that the lights in the room was still lit, the occupants were not asleep. He took a look at his watch, it was exactly 10:00 p.m. 

“For one more day,” he said to himself. 

Dr Jack Stevens knew that he could no longer talk to Charlotte. For she had gone back to her husband, her rightful man. The woman in Michael’s wallet was inserted by him to cause a rift between the husband and his wife. 

He watched Charlotte from his car until he saw that she had turned off the lights and went to sleep. The only voice that Dr Jack Stevens heard was, “you fight like there is no tomorrow, let Charlotte be.” 

And then he went back into his car and drove off into the streets of darkness to wait for sunrise again.

The Moon

The moon was late in casting the shadow on the ground

As a result, she could not find her path

She blamed the moon and the moon said, “that was because the sun was late,” 

So, she stayed up all night and waited for the sun to rise

In the morning she asked the sun, “why were you so late?” 

He said, “I am the sun I decide when I would enter and exit.” 

Further on he said, “in fact who are you to ask?” 

She said, “I am the one waiting at the horizon.” 

“Oh, I see, so you were the one who drew the line.” 

Help! I am not God!

A Vacant Land

Last night I passed by a vacant plot

It wasn’t my house

Twenty-three years I saw the land

No structure could stand on it

The piece of land could not house a family

Since family could never sit on a vacant plot

Without fighting for more space

As we move around the house 

No situations can be clearly defined 

No space can be clearly marked 

I am not always wrong

A Cat on the Sofa

I woke up and found myself surrounded by shoppers 

And then I found my best friend Mimi 

She meows at me instead of singing an opera 

No the Mimi was gone 

And now replaced by a sweet purr 

I love cats! But cats do not love me 

I do not meow in return anymore 

Instead I look at them and say, 

“Hey, I am not Mimi but your best friend Pearly” 

If you sell your fat tail to me 

I would be happy to make any consideration 

On condition that you do not ask for more than a dollar

The Ideal Wife

You don’t have to cook for me 

The washer will take care of all my clothes 

I have the keys to come in 

You need not wait up for me 

“Then what am I here for?” she asked 

“To make submissions,” he said 

And then he opened the door 

And walked into the bright sunlight 

I heard the car engine 

And instantly realized 

That I am actually his car 

At least I still have the certificate in the drawer 

Am I worth only forty-one thousand dollars?

My Little Window

From my little window I look out 

The rain has come 

So I know that God likes me today 

God saw that his children are tucked up in our blankets 

Adam and Eve likes the garden 

So let them be 

For now, we still have plants 

So that they can clothe themselves if they wish

The Time

They say that our lives are pre-destined

You have no choice over the route you take

Just pick up the pebbles along the way

And keep each one

Until you reach the end of the road

Like memories, it is the only worthy thing you carry

With you, until the end of time

The Love

Foolish words were said

Foolish acts were done

When we thought we had infinity

In fact we had only one tomorrow

Today was the day

When I wished it was yesterday

Life is long when we were short of love

But when love came

We had lost yesterday

The Soul

Don’t ask me to leave

I never wanted to stay

When the ship sails

I will be there

Together with all the livestock ….

And the people

Who were once strangers

I love this city

And all the other cities

Where do I come from?

This city of course

Am I going away?

My soul longs to be with my mate

Maybe he is onboard the ship

Or have I left him behind?

A childhood Recollection ….

A necklace my parents gave me ….

Book A 

Chapter 1 

If you asked me how I remembered my mother, I would tell you that she was a depressed woman who sat by me when I was arranging the furniture in my house. 

“This is the living room,” “You must put the bed here, this is the bedroom,” “No, the fridge goes there in the kitchen,” the woman beside me was telling me how and where to place the pieces of miniature objects in the doll house. 

The next day, I went to play with the house again. I imagined myself inside, walking around, and I heard me telling myself not to bump into the furniture. 

The doll house stood by the staircase leading to an empty space downstairs where you could move into two other units. This was a large house. From the outside you thought that it was one large bungalow, but it was actually three houses. There were three families here. Of course, the houses were related. Upstairs was the father, and downstairs were the two families of their married children.

A dollhouse from my father ….

Married children sometimes lived quietly far from each other and they met with each other only during the festive seasons once a year on the Chinese New Year and shared a common meal together. They exchanged red packets and they wished each other well, for as long as until the next year if they should meet again. 

Here we came across each other every day. My grandmother cooked very well, and the children came up and ate at one large round dining table during mealtimes. 

Chapter 2 

When downstairs quarrelled with upstairs, hell broke loose. But that was not to be happening until three years later, so I would put this part of the story on hold. 

Today I went to play with the dollhouse again. But the woman wasn’t around there today. It was large, and the sections were collapsible. I felt a little bored and I started to rearrange the furniture. I took the fridge out and put it in the sitting room and I brought the sofa outside and I also took the bed out. Then I put the sofa in the bedroom and I placed the bed in the kitchen. The kitchen had drawings of a cooker oven and a sink on its walls. I was quite happy to be in charge of my own house. 

“Come and eat,” Ma Jie shouted from the real kitchen. No, it was not called a real kitchen; it was merely an adult kitchen. My kitchen was real too, except that I couldn’t cook inside. Por Por was already sitting at the round table. I went up to the table to sit with her, wondering where the depressed woman was. 

“The fish is good for your brains,” Por Por used her chopsticks and put a large chunk on my plate. I was hoping that she would add more sauce to the meat. I liked the fermented bean curd; she had it in a bottle. She dished a little and put it on the fish before she gave me some. I did not know how much it would cost her to procure the bottle but to me it was the most delicious dish on the table. 

I marvelled at the way she handled the chopsticks, but I just ate the food, without the fermented bean curd for the time being. When she was not watching I would quickly put my spoon into the dish and yank out a portion. Just the fermented sauce, the fish was not important. 

“Eat your food quickly,” Ma Jie talking. 

“Fifth Uncle has gone to school,” 

“Third has left for the office,” 

“What happened to Ah Fourth?” Por Por queried. “I don’t know,” Ma Jie replied. 

“You always forget to tell me about him, he’s the one I want to know where.” 

“He doesn’t tell me,” Ma Jie said. 

“Never mind I’ll try and find out tonight if I see him.” 

I took a long time to swallow the food, there was always too much on the plate, which made eating a chore. It was compulsory that I must finish the food on the plate. I hated meal times, I wanted to go back and play inside my own house. Alas, where was that woman? 

After lunch I went back to the staircase landing again, where the dollhouse stood. No one came to disturb it. The woman was gone, she never came back again. 

Three years later I saw her again. 

Chapter 3 

Thank God for me today Por Por wasn’t at the table eating with me. I took my spoon and dished out a large portion of the fermented bean curd and placed it on my plate, and then I ate it together with the fried beef. Ma Jie did not cook fish today. It didn’t matter to me, so long as I had the fermented stuff. I was actually eating the rice with just the sauce. Who cared about food? Did we need to eat food to grow up? 

Doing my colour pencils ….

Ma Jie set up the ironing board haphazardly. Today she was ironing the clothes with the board facing the round table so that she could see that I was eating my food. This house was not so neatly arranged, unlike my dollhouse. The furniture was not placed against the walls. But actually, furniture was not supposed to be placed against the walls, but at age three I knew not better. 

The bell rang, and Ma Jie dropped her clothes and went to open the gate. I could hear her large footsteps down the stairs. It was noisy. So was the sound of the gate opening and closing. Now I could hear Por Por coming up the stairs with her. 

“Luckily you came back on time, it was going to rain soon,” Ma Jie said. 

“I managed to get a ride from Egg Uncle.” Por Por replied. 

I quickly took this opportunity to send some of the beef back to the main plate, thus reducing the duty of finishing the whole chunk of meat for this meal. This was placed on my plate at the beginning of the meal before Por Por came back. 

“The sky is going to cry,” Ma Jie said childishly. 

I thought she did not know that I understood what she was talking about with Por Por at the staircase before they came into the dining room. They underestimated me. 

Por Por came into the dining room and took out a thin envelope. She opened it, took out a thin piece of paper with her crumbled hands. The letter fell out of the envelope easily as it was not sealed. Next to her I heard Ma Jie giving her usual commentary, 

“This is your Mami’s handwriting, her handwriting is like this, small and scrawny.” 

At this juncture Por Por flashed the letter at me for just one second, and then she took it back as she knew that I couldn’t read the contents. 

I wanted to see the letter again, but I dared not ask. Who was my mother? What did a mother mean? I thought that my mother was Por Por. But there seemed to be a difference between a Mami and a Por Por. If Por Por were my mother I would have to call her Mami and not Por Por, and I am told to call her Por Por. Anyway, this was too profound and not important now. What was important now was that someone registered that I had finished my meal so that I could go and sit by the dollhouse again. 

I sat for another ten minutes, during the whole time pretending to be eating when there was no more food on my plate. It had all been transferred out during the process when the two were reading my mother’s letter. 

I did not know that my mother was away in another place until that afternoon. 

Chapter 4 

No, my mother was not in heaven. My mother was not dead. And I knew her to be residing in England at this moment. In my imagination England was somewhere far away where none of us could reach. 

“You can visit your Mami in England,” was not once said to me, but rather, “wait for your Mami to come back.” 

I never knew why my mother had to go to England; the reason was that she had to study. But why did she need to study? Was it proper to study when you were a mother? None of those other mothers did. I did not know what other mothers did every day. 

I went to school to study too, but for now I had to manage life alone. Yes, I felt alone all the time. I never had a supporting voice, or that someone to tell me that it was alright to do this or that, or that something should not be done. 

Por Por left me alone most of the time. She was just my timekeeper, not my caregiver. I had no one who was responsible for me. Very often I heard Ma Jie saying, “Don’t know if her mother likes it or not?” And then Ma Jie would give the look like she was worried about having to make decision. 

“The sky is going to cry,” I heard Ma Jie saying this quite often, whenever it was about to rain. Although sometimes the sky did not cry after all, like today. But I saw that she had already collected the clothes from the pole and folded them into the basket waiting for another run when the weather turned hot again. I felt a little sorry at her effort. 

“Can I put the clothes out for you again later?” I asked Ma Jie “These are the jobs belonging to adults, children won’t know how to do it.” She told me grudgingly, as though annoyed that she had to talk to me. 

I found the two of them in the kitchen most of the time. Ma Jie moving in between the kitchen and the dining room, sometimes into the room at the corner the other room that was meant solely for my Fifth Uncle. 

Fifth Uncle seemed to be living by himself at the servant’s quarters, but he did not live alone. A young lady who was rather pretty looking came into the room to see him regularly. She did not rest herself in the other parts of the house such as the living room or the round dining table. Whenever she was here, you could only find her in Fifth Uncle’s room. And you could find her only when Fifth Uncle was around.

She seemed to be one of Fifth Uncle’s items. 

I was always happy when she was here, for whenever she was here, Fifth Uncle locked himself in the room and did not come out for hours. This freed me from anxiety, as I was afraid of Fifth Uncle. 

One time he came out of his room and shouted at me, “Stop making so much noise.” I did not remember what it was that I was doing that made him so angry, but I knew that what I did he could hear it in his room, which I did not realize before. 

I never knew the name of Fifth Uncle’s girlfriend except that she never attempted to talk to me and it seemed that I was invisible in her eyes. She was not rude to me it was just that she did not see me. That I didn’t know why. Probably I was not important to her at all. Maybe I was too small and inconsequential. And so, I looked forward to the day when she talked to me, that would be the day I gained weight in the family. 

I allowed her to drift in and out of my world. 

Whenever Fifth Uncle used the toilet to pee, Ma Jie would shout at the top of her voice as though to prevent me from using my imagination, “Fifth Uncle is turning on the water tap.” I couldn’t understand why she had to give this commentary every now and then, probably to let others knew that she was around the house. And perhaps she was talking to herself. 

Why was Ma Jie talking to herself all the time?

Chapter 5 

Por Por was watching television again. She sat cross-legged, and she peeled the skin on her feet. I noticed that about Por Por. I couldn’t remember when she did not do that whenever she was cross-legged. I watched with amazement as she collected the lot of skin left on the floor when she got up to walk away from the spot where she sat. I too started the habit of peeling my skin; I peeled my nails every now and then. And I didn’t think that anyone of the adults noticed me doing that. 

It was to be a point of criticism from my Dad after he came back from London with my mother. 

My Dad went to London with my mother. No, it was the other way around. My mother went to London with my father. She joined him in London. He was the one that needed to go, and she followed him afterwards. 

I really didn’t know why the both of them had to go. 

Nobody was able to explain this to me at that time, either they couldn’t be bothered, or that it was impossible to explain things to me. I realized that too and I decided not to pursue that topic any further as it always ended up with “Wait for your Mami to come back,” It was quite frustrating though, to go around the bush like that.

Just at this time, Ma Jie walked into the sitting room, “Shall I open the table now?” Por Por replied, “Give him another half an hour,” and then Ma Jie walked away. Ma Jie never watched television with Por Por, she only walked in every now and then and she caught the gist of the film on the television to make out the story for herself. On this too she made documentary. Maybe this was the way she talked to Por Por. 

I was very sure that Fifth Uncle was coming home tonight without his girlfriend.

True enough, half an hour later; he came back with a book and some files. As usual he went straight to his room without talking to anyone. He shut his door loudly and immediately Ma Jie prepared for dinner. First, she took the plates out of the kitchen and I counted that it was exactly four sets. By that I meant four bowls, four pairs of chopsticks, and four small cups for tea. Thereafter she went back into the kitchen and brought the large plates with food on it. I could see that today she had beef, fish, vegetables and one bowl of soup. But what I was most concerned about was the fermented bean curd. Yes, it was there today. And this made me happy. 

Tonight, there were more than four persons at the dining table. The old man was at the round table too. I watched the way Ma Jie arranged the crockery in front of us. Kong Kong first, then Por Por, Fifth Uncle, his girlfriend, then myself. I was the last, which meant that I was the least important so that if she ran out of a soupspoon it would mean that I wouldn’t get it. But thank God, all the utensils were in place. I was always given an extra set of fork and spoon. The other people at the table the four of them used a bowl and a pair of chopsticks. I had this at my side too, in case I wanted to practice the chopsticks, but so far no one taught me yet. 

Chapter 6 

Since that afternoon I had been waiting for my mother’s letter to come. I looked forward to what the piece of paper had to tell us. Sometimes it said, “Don’t give her too much salt,” and I wondered in amazement how a mother would be concerned about salt from overseas. She should be concerned about my clothes, I had very few clothes and I was always wearing this white top and the flowered skirt.

A casual outfit ….

True enough. That was my mother all right. A dress came. It was a sleeved dress, with a white top and a pink skirt sewn together as one piece, and then a piece of little flower was stuck on it. It made me happy for the entire day and the day after that. Then on the third day I decided that I must keep it aside as a piece of treasured garment, I took it away from the adults when they were not noticing it, and I kept it inside the bottom of my wardrobe in the drawer. 

This mother of mine was still at large but the memory of her grew fonder. I was very fond of her I knew her to be my property. It was always: YOUR mother. However, I had no memory of her. She did not exist in my world. She was nowhere to be found at my Grandad’s house, at school the kindergarten, or even in one of the flats that Por Por’s tenants lived in. 

I lived from day to day. 

I knew I was just a kid. Compared to the rest of the people who lived in this house; they were much taller and sometimes I didn’t understand what they were talking about. I tried to fathom but it wasn’t easy. They did not make any attempt to conceal their conversation from me, they knew that I was just a kid and there were many concepts that I did not understand. 

I asked Ma Jie once, “How do babies come about?” Ma Jie gave me a funny look, she turned her eyes away and replied, “Ask your mother,” 

“Wait until my Mami comes back right?” I retorted, as I was getting angry at this standard reply that they gave me. It had become a cliché to them. But she was not embarrassed at all. 

My birthday was on the thirty-first day of December at the end of the year so that it was rather nice. And that if anyone asked me when my birthday was, I could always say, “On New Year’s Eve.” It was also a very auspicious day to be born as I always got a half-day off from work, an advantage I learnt to be a fact when I was working as an adult. 

So that when I was young I came to think that I was Eve the character who lived in the Garden of Eden in the Bible. Of course, now I knew for sure that I wasn’t Eve. Eve lived and died more than two thousand years ago. 

Eve was a very pretty woman and she must have been gorgeous as she was the first woman God created in this world. She must have been very sexy too. I was not sexy, but I was very vain. My relatives who belonged to my mother’s side knew this fact very well. Second Aunty told everyone including Ma Jie in front of me, “She is sure to like the set of multi-coloured panties, I buy for her as she is very vain.” They did not think that I could understand what “vain” meant but I knew. I waited. I was more eager than ever for my birthday to come around. December thirty-first came. I opened my presents with expectation and great anticipation.

I did have some Christmas presents ….

Chapter 7 

So far, I only mentioned my mother’s side of the family. On my Dad’s side it was less imprinted and opaquer. I spent much less time with my Dad’s side of the family. I only saw them once a week and it was my Aunty P and Uncle W who brought me to their house. I remembered that Uncle W always came in his car with Aunty P and Cousin Kenko. 

Kenko was my cousin and he was my only playmate. At this time all my other cousins were not born yet. 

Today Uncle W came to pick me up from St. Matthew’s. I was already prepared having changed into a nice frock. I didn’t have weekend clothes or clothes that I would wear when I saw my Dad’s side of the family. Neither did I choose my clothes. I couldn’t remember who chose my clothes though. It wasn’t Ma Jie, so it must have been Por Por. These were the two women with whom I spent most of my time. I think by now you would have guessed that Por Por my grandmother was in charge of my life. 

“Vroom ~~~”. The car arrived at Kong Kong’s house and the driver toots his horn. I was all set to go. I jumped into the back seat and Aunty P said a few words to Por Por and I was off. 

“Sure. I would bring her back before dinner, before 7:00 p.m.” 

I was not interested in Por Por anymore. I started to talk to Uncle W. 

The radio in the car was switched on. 

“Is Seow Fong Fong singing this song?” I asked Uncle W. 

“Teresa Teng, you know her?”

“No, I don’t. I only know Seow Fong Fong, can she sing this tune too?” 

Uncle W gave me a smile and he turned the volume up. I was wondering why he did not reply. Now I knew that Seow Fong Fong did not sing, she was an actress, and actresses were not singers. They were two different categories of artistes. 

This was to be a weekly affair, which I welcomed most.

Pretending to be riding a bicycle ….

I arrived at 21 Jalan Pari Kikis. It was another landed property, but it was terrace. Before you arrived, you had to go through a number of similar houses making a few turns. There was a dog living in this house. His name was Rover. And I was terrified of him. I waited until someone in that house tied Rover by his neck to the fence before I got out of the car. So long as I didn’t go to the backyard outside the kitchen I won’t have to confront Rover again. 

I was unsure whether the car manufacturers had invented the car by the name Rover at that time. None of my relatives drove a Rover. I didn’t know how I came to know this but for now I could tell you with certainty that Second Uncle drove a Volvo. 

Chapter 8 

On my fifth birthday I did not see my Dad, neither did I see my mother. In any case I did not know who they were. I was the birthday girl and for my birthday Kung Kung bought me a slide. They had a large garden with sufficient grounds for them to put a slide there. I still had pictures of myself coming down from the slide.

A slide for my birthday party ….

“Don’t fall down,” I could hear Third Uncle shouting. 

“You see, you see, she is wearing my colourful panties.” Second Aunty said. 

Yes, I had started wearing the colourful panties that Second Aunty gave me. I am the first-born child belonging to the grandchildren generation so that I got all the attention and all the nice and lovely things in life. But Por Por hardly brought me out for shopping; the furthest she had brought me out daily was to the block of flats behind the bungalow. It housed a group of people who gave money to Kong Kong regularly. They were rightfully called tenants. Yes, my grandparents were landlords and later on in the story you would know that the relationship of my grandparents and my parents had changed from being relatives to become that of landlord and tenant. 

“Give me a pen,” Kong Kong the driver said to Por Por. 

“No, I don’t have one,” 

“Why couldn’t you get it from her?” He asked, his tone showed that he was a little annoyed. 

“Get it from her school bag, you are so silly.” Por Por took my bag and searched for a pencil, there was none. 

“What? Why didn’t she even have a pencil to go to school?” I could understand the remark, but I kept quiet preferring the adults to think that I didn’t so that I knew what they were talking about all the time, in case they said bad things about me. 

Por Por turned to me and asked, “Where are your pencils?” she sat on my left in the car. 

“They have a large tray and we help ourselves it in the classroom during class.” I said. 

With that both of them kept quiet and then Kong Kong continued with the journey. Kong Kong was the driver. No one else was in the front seat; Ma Jie did not come along. Ma Jie was at home all the time. She combed a long plait and wore a pair of black trousers and a Cheong Sam blue top. I was neither happy nor unhappy that she was living with me. Her presence made no difference to me. I didn’t think about her at all. 

Por Por rarely brought me out. She was often watching television with me. Today I saw a woman in black being led to the prison, she had long red fingernails and as she walked into the prison she used her fingers to scratch the walls of the cell. Her fingerprints left a trail of red ink-mark on the wall. She wore long hair, but it was not the hair that scared me. 

“Why do you let her see this kind of thing?” Ma Jie asked. 

“How would I know the scene beforehand?” Por Por replied. 

Then Ma Jie said, “now turn off the television,” for which Por Por retorted, “It’s too late. She already saw it.” 

And then the two of them will banter for the rest of the day. 

Of course, Por Por collected the skin that she dropped on the floor after she has peeled them. 

I was not very vocal. I let the image frighten me without showing it. They looked at me for a while and then they ignored me, continuing with their tasks. I was about five years old then I didn’t know if a five-year old could describe what she thought very well. I was the only child in that large house and I didn’t see children until the next morning. No, I didn’t look forward going to school either. 

Chapter 9

Tomorrow I must go to the concert. It was imperative because I was the lead actress. I was the bride in the “yanky-doodle came to town …. ” song. Michael the lead man had returned from a battle of war and his wife sang with a group of people to welcome him home. That time there was not yet the “tie a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree …. ” In any case Michael went to war and not to prison. 

I had a very nice white dress with small little red flowers sewn on it at random. It had taffeta as an under layer and is considered to be very expensive in those days. Third Uncle took a picture of me in the dress at the back garden. I still had the picture, but I had no recollection of the colour of the shoe I was wearing.

A white dress with little red flowers ….

I sat on the table where the teachers had left some of the other costume and some makeup. I remembered someone complained that I was still sitting there after the teacher had put on my makeup for me. 

For rewarding my efforts in putting up the play Aunty P bought me a very nice watch. It had a black strip and gold face, you couldn’t find it anywhere in the market now as its status had become that of an antique watch. 

During the play, I was too slow in hooking up the button to put Michael’s cloak together. The form teacher, who was also the musical director, came up to us and pushed my hand away to complete the job. Apparently, Michael in the same class was her son. I felt very bad, but it was only now that I understood why she had to do that, because the music was going on and she couldn’t afford the scene to be frozen there. I had no one to lodge my complaint with, as Por Por was always too distant for me. I didn’t know that she wasn’t my mother, yet I also knew her not to be my mother. 

In fact, what I remembered was that she and Ma Jie, this time Ma Jie came along, dropped me off at the school and went back with Kong Kong and Por Por in the car earlier on before the musical. 

Chapter 10 

Today I swallowed a fish bone. The doctor was called to attend to my throat. I was coughing throughout. I couldn’t eat, neither could I drink. A man with a large black suitcase came. He opened my mouth and then he sprayed some bitter powder into my throat. Immediately my tonsils were soothed, and I could swallow again. This man seemed to be a sensei. 

A sensei was a Chinese physician who practiced Traditional Chinese Medicine. Here in Singapore we call it TCM. Whenever I was ill, Por Por would bring me to a TCM sensei and chitchat. Then he would give her some packet of herbs to bring home for Ma Jie to boil them in soup to let me drink. Usually they worked. I was not a sickly child. 

On the contrary my mother was. In later years she told me that some doctors told Ma Jie that she would not live beyond the age of three. The doctor was proved wrong. A nun at the French Convent she went to school also told my mother to cut her plait, which she promptly did. 

The nun told her, “You have nice long hair, but the weight of it is pulling you down. Your hair is absorbing all of the nutrients that should go to your body.” 

My mother was very proud of the two long plaits, which she had when young. She told me that she had lovely hair. 

So, at a very young age my mother had decided on what kind of hairstyle she wanted for herself. She kept short hair, and I had not seen her with any other kind of style. She told her hairdresser how to cut her hair. I did that too and I was specific with my instructions; but that was when I became an adult. Now Por Por was still my hairdresser. I had a China doll hairstyle. Por Por cut my hair. She props me up on the round able and she sips it off little by little. Ma Jie would collect the remnants on the floor. 

“Why do you have so much hair?” She said. 

“Por Por cut two inches this time.” 

I remembered the TCM man came to the house also on one other occasion. I was ill with an itch. My backside was itching every now and then and I was told to take off my panties and lie with my face down on the pillow. They found out that I had worms in my stomach. Again the TCM gave Por Por some ingredients to make soup. 

My mother told me that she also had this experience of lying flat on the bed. She said that when she was very young, a fortune-teller came to the house to make a diagnosis. He took a look at my mother’s backside and promptly advised Kong Kong that the next child that would come along in the family would be a girl. 

True enough Second Aunty arrived one year later. So that created unhappiness for Por Por, as when my mother was born there was already loss of face for her as since the baby was a female. In those days there was no ultra-sound so that the outcome of a pregnancy was always a mystery. That made life more exciting. Imagine that if you knew what was going to happen tomorrow for sure you wouldn’t want to continue with today. Maybe you would, but I won’t. 

I loved the soup that the TCM man told Por Por to boil for me. It was bittersweet and simply delicious so that I was not upset with anybody whenever I was ill. There was also another advantage, which was that at that time I need not go to school. I didn’t hate the school. With school there was Michael. I was infatuated with Michael. He was big and strong. The teachers liked him in particular and later on I found out that his mother was the headmistress of St. Matthew’s Kindergarten. A rather dignified woman she was. 

It was just that not going to school I could stay at home and roamed around the estate without someone watching over me all the time. In school during those hours I had to sit by the desk without food or drink until the bell rang. I saw that as going to prison but the proper way to call that place was a school and more accurately a kindergarten. 

I had a lot of freedom.

Chapter 11 

Por Por had four other children apart from my mother, so that my mother had a younger sister Second Aunty, followed by Third Uncle, Fourth Uncle and Fifth Uncle. In the story you would have found my relatives-in-law coming into the picture one at a time. 

The Fifth Aunty married Fifth Uncle after all. Then there was Third Aunty. Third Aunty was Third Uncle’s wife. Third Aunty was very pretty. My Dad used to comment that she had an hour-glass figure. I didn’t know why he must use the word “hour-glass” to describe her shapely figure. An hour-glass is a funnel where sand drips from the uppercase to the lowercase. It took time for the exercise to be accomplished. My Dad always has a colourful way of describing things. 

In later years I had come to adopt this habit too. My grandmother he called her “Mooncake”. My mother told me that it was an unusual nickname, but I knew that it derived from her Chinese name. No, Por Por did not have a nickname. People in that generation did not have Christian names. However, my Por Por was a Christian though. 

Yes, Por Por was a fervent Christian. All of them were. At night I waited for Por Por, who in turn waited for Ma Jie to tell her if she was needed by Kung Kung. I remembered that Por Por always made me say a prayer before she put me to sleep. I couldn’t remember having my own bed. I slept with Por Por on a double bed all the while.

In Por Por’s dying years she told me that she prayed and asked God for a man who “did not smoke, did not drink and did not gamble” and He answered her prayer by matching making her with Kong Kong who was already in Singapore. Por Por came straight from China.

I was in primary one now. One day after lunch in the canteen I heard a commotion, and then later Ma Jie picked me up from school and I left the school altogether. It was later on that I found out that someone had died in the school. A student was found to have fell down from the railings of the school canteen, and he died on the spot. It seemed that my mother knew about it and wrote home to tell Por Por to take me out of the school, so before I realized it I was already in Nanyang Girls’ High School. 

This first school that I attended was actually the Nan Hua School near River Valley Road, but I was there for only three days. So that in my entire resume I couldn’t put it as a school I attended since I did not graduate from the school during my PSLE. A PSLE was an examination that gave you the score to graduate at twelve. 

Even though my mother was mentioned all the time my Dad was in charge. He did not write to Por Por but he was always at the background making decisions. Several people were in charge of my life, but I didn’t know who, was really behind it.

Chapter 12 

He was a history teacher. He was the disciplinary master in a boy’s school. That was before he went to U.K. 

There was also Fourth Aunty with Fourth Uncle. I couldn’t say for sure if this set of uncles and aunties appeared before or after my parents came back. But I could say with certainty that Second Aunty got married to Second Uncle in my parents’ absence. I was the flower girl and I had a picture to prove that. 

Uncle Hansen also had a girlfriend called Aunty J. These two persons belonged to the other side, the green side. In later years I saw my mother’s side as the blue side and my Dad’s side as the green side. This was because when Kung Kung passed away I happened to be wearing a light blue top and a white skirt; and when my grandfather at Jalan Pari Kikis passed away I wore a dress with an oak green skirt. I liked to use colour to describe things. 

But this way of distinguishing my family did not come about until I was an adult. I knew that my mind was sometimes pre-occupied with people dying. Perhaps it was because the depressed woman never appeared again, so that for a long time in my little mind, I thought that she was dead. 

I was never brought to a funeral; neither did I need to attend a wake. I was hardly brought out for any function and even weddings came in few and far between. I could recall only once when I was sitting at a chair in a crowded restaurant when one of the relatives came up to poke at me, but I did not say a word, “Why is she so strange?” I heard her say. 

“Her mother is overseas,” and then both persons walked away, as though the fact that my mother was overseas contributed to my behaviour. The restaurant was crowded, and guests were walking in and out. It was a Chinese restaurant situated in some parts of Chinatown. Don’t ask me for the name of the restaurant, I couldn’t remember. 

There was the Great World City. It was an amusement park and there was also a movie theatre. I often went there to sit on the roller coaster. It was very scary, and I didn’t like it at all. I was encouraged to try at all the sets. I was always told to do things by the adults without being able to object to the activity. So long as someone said so I had to comply. Por Por was silent most of the time, preferring to allow her other children to be in charge. In any case, they were near the marrying age so that they were quite sensible already. I didn’t like the thrill of the roller coaster, preferring to ride on the horse or sat inside the bowl. 

Like Por Por, I prayed too. Whenever I was inside the compound I would pray that no one took me on the roller coaster. It got more fervent when Third Uncle was around. He was the more adventurous sort, especially when Third Aunty was there. Fifth Uncle looked at me with a squint eye, so he did not travel on a roller coaster. 

Further down the road we had the Chinese opera. But the troop stationed themselves there only during the seven-month of the Lunar New Year. The venue was actually called the Air View Towers. They did not charge you for their performances and so I found myself there very often. I walked there. 

The group put up their tent on the open ground. I walked in and out of the place by myself, sometimes sitting in the front row, as I was too short to get a good view from the back seats. Whenever other adults moved in to patronize the show, I would have to change seats as I was being blocked. I didn’t consider the opera actresses ugly even though they had heavy make-up on. Every adult put on make-up except for Por Por and Ma Jie. 

One of the plays enlightened me. It told of a woman having to kneel before a woman a General who fainted at once thus revealing the relationship of mother and son, a well- kept secret. In Chinese culture it seemed that if a mother knelt before her biological son he would feel giddy. 

I was a sickly child and apart from asthma, I felt giddy very easily. 

Chapter 13

Today the sun was strong, and Ma Jie brought the rattan tray with dried lemon outside to sun. She carried the tray downstairs and put it on the ground just before the drive-in to the car porch. The car porch only allowed for two cars. I loved the dried fruit just like the way I craved for the fermented bean curd. Sometimes I would pick up one piece of the lemon and ate it even before it was completely dried up in the sun. 

Another regular outfit ….

“How come this lemon is here? I thought that it was on the other side?” One lemon was no different from the other. It was strange that Ma Jie would realize that I have tasted some of the lemon before she had dried them and kept them in a bottle. Whenever I stole one lemon I would rearrange the rest so that Ma Jie did not see the gap on the tray. 

“Thou shall not steal.” God says in the sixth commandment. I learned the Bible in St. Matthews’s kindergarten. But then the lemon belonged to Por Por. Moreover, she put it outside. If she didn’t want me to eat it she should not have displayed it. I thought this was an invitation to treat. Neither of them scolded me on this. I saw the two of them talking about the missing lemons and I kept quiet sitting on the floor peeling my own fingernails. I was a little nervous. 

Chapter 14

I always scored high marks in St. Mathews. Michael came in first and I was second. My mother knew and was very happy about it. 

I was wanting to show the audience my prize ….

I was older now and still nobody told me how babies were born. Maybe I should have waited until my mother came back then asked her. 

“Your Mami is coming back tomorrow, you can go to the airport and pick her up,” “Hooray!” I was pleased beyond description. My fringe had been long covering part of my face and I was very irritated by it. I promptly went to the dressing table in Por Por’s room and snipped part of my fringe so as to make it look more evenly straight. 

I had not decided on what to wear for this piece of news was sprung on me suddenly. Ma Jie was promptly told to bathe me. In those days there were no heater and no shower. We simply turned on the tap to collect a full pail of water, and then we used a scoop to scoop it and pour it over our bodies, one scoop at a time. The water was cold it and it gave me a running nose. 

Bathing was a very troublesome affair and I really hated it. And I also didn’t like Ma Jie scrubbing my body. She gave me a sponge to make lather and then she took over the sponge and proceeded to scrub my body. I loved making lather on the sponge. Usually it was Ma Jie who bathed me. I particularly disliked it when Por Por talked to Ma Jie when I was inside, and Ma Jie leaving the bathroom door ajar. I couldn’t order Ma Jie to close the door for I was a kid and I had no right to command the adults. 

I was a very shy kid. 

And so, I didn’t have many friends. The only friend I made was the child of a distant cousin and I have completely forgotten about her name and her relationship to me was as a relation. 

With my Dad’s side of the family I had another dimension – the sea. I loved going to the sea. At the seaside, Uncle W put a mat on the beach and Cousin Kenko and I occupied most of the space. We brought along a pail, a spanner and some moulds. I was happy about the whole situation now. Going to the beach was a once a week affair for myself. I was always given a large can of “Kong Guan” biscuit to present to my Dad’s father my other Grandfather Ye Ye.

I was the first grandchild ….

Chapter 15

I finally saw her. She carried a red jacket on her arm and she smiled, and she came up to me and hugged me. I gave her a friendly smile in return. But I didn’t know who a mother was. It was correct that I was a very shy kid. I hid my feelings of uneasiness and I followed the adults to the car waiting at the airport. I couldn’t remember if anyone said, 

“This is your Mami,” but I was certain that a third party introduced us to each other. 

She handed the jacket to me and told me to hold it for her. I was very honoured to be given such a task. I took over and held the jacket gingerly. It was the first time I met my mother. I was quite happy for now I had a property of my own.

My mother brought me out after school ….

My Dad didn’t appear on the scene. I still could not remember as to whether Dad came back first, or was I told that he would come back at a later date. This was like a play and the characters walked in and out of the stage. 

I was the lead actress. 

We were still in 1967. I couldn’t recall the precise date when my mother returned. I checked into Number 3 with her. Number 3B was the upstairs and 3A was on the right-hand side downstairs. Number 3 we were left-hand side downstairs. Third Uncle lived there with his family. 

By the way, that red jacket was cool and warm. Later on, I found out that the outer layer was made of silk and the inner was stuffed with feathers. She gave me a big hug, and then told me that I was allowed to carry it for her. That was the first hug I received in my entire life. At night she gave me the jacket to use as a blanket. 

It was nice to have a mother. 

On the first night after my mother came back, I could not fall asleep. I twisted and turned, and I started to ask myself why my Dad did not appear at the same time. Usually a father and a mother came as a pair. Like Ma Jie always said, “Your Papa Mama,”. 

I missed Ma Jie. She was not here to give her regular commentary. I missed Por Por more. 

Finally, my mother knocked on the door. This was supposed to be my new bedroom. She came in, and she saw that the room had my dress hung on it. This was the one that she sent from U.K. For administration purposes, I brought it out for her attention. 

“Oh, I see,”

“Did you like it?” I kept quiet; I never had a chance to wear it. I had outgrown it. 

There was also a blue star, which was also a gift from my mother too! The star was actually a musical box, so that when you twist the little hook at the bottom, music flowed out. It was “Silent Night”. I liked this Christmas song in particular, so I that I twisted the hook every night and listened to it until I was fully satisfied. But I couldn’t sing. 

Chapter 16 

I didn’t talk in the first place. I was a kid, so I could never join in the adult conversation. In any case, I never knew much about what they were talking about. Throughout my childhood days I was only concerned if the adults said anything bad about me. If they were happy about me, they would call me aside to take a few shots of me to send to my mother. As I was common property, no one would teach me what to do. But no one ever came to my rescue if I did wrong, either. 

I was the most insignificant subject in the family. But I was also the most liked little girl. 

“Don’t worry about Sumin,”

“She is so cute I think she looks more like her mother than her father.” 

These were the comments that I heard regularly. I just ignored them for I was getting fed up with the reference to my parents without anyone paying proper attention to me. 

Chapter 17

I had not grown up yet. We were still in the same year. But my Dad appeared now. He was a fatter version of Uncle Hansen. I spotted him queuing up at the airport at the arrival hall. He was holding a folded garment on his left arm which was dark grey and he also held a document in his hand. 

“Is this Uncle Hansen?” I asked. 

I thought that there was another version of Uncle Hansen. Since I didn’t know what parents were, I won’t know what uncles and aunties were too. Uncle Hansen didn’t come with us. 

“No, this is your father,” the facilitator said. 

I watched my Dad as he moved in the queue until after he came out of the arrival hall. I was afraid of this man. He was a stranger to me. I was very happy that I could see my Dad although all the while I had not painted a picture of our reunion. Neither did I do that with my mother. 

He checked into Number 3 straight away. 

Over the next few days, I found that my parents had quite a good rapport with each other. She would answer to the name, “Sow” and he ordered her around. I was just a bystander who watched in silence. I missed Por Por badly. I missed the fermented bean curd. It was mealtime again. Some food was brought to me and I had to eat downstairs. I felt alone. They ate and talked without reference to me, sometimes I wondered if they knew that I was around. I didn’t know what they were talking about most of the time. I sat there long enough, this time there was no Ma Jie there to give commentary. I did not know when I could leave the table. I still had some food left on my plate. Finally, I plucked up the courage to get up from my seat. 

“Where are you going? You haven’t finished your food.” The man asked. 

I did not know how to answer him. He spoke English, but I always spoke Cantonese with Ma Jie and Por Por. After a while I found out that they summarized Ma Jie, Por Por, Kong Kong, and all the other relatives the Third, Fourth and Fifth Uncle as “Upstairs”. 

I was very upset with this tagging, but I didn’t know how to tell these two persons. I forgot that they were my parents. Could you tell your own parents how you felt? What were the things a child said to his father and mother? I tried to recall the conversations that went on in school regarding the other children with their parents, but I couldn’t find any.

Chapter 18

I thought that Aunty J did not go with Uncle Hansen to pick my Dad up from the airport. Uncle Hansen drove a black car. He liked it, and that was to be a point of contention between my Dad and he. My father liked white cars. He said that those who drove white cars were less likely to meet with an accident. 

“At night the colour stands out, so even if the lights on the roads are dim, other cars can also see you if your car is white.” 

For this reason, he insisted that my mother and myself wore white clothes whenever we went out at night. I hated white; it reminded me of a nurse in a hospital. 

I might as well tell you now the other rule that related to cars. It came down like a commandment: Thou shall not sit in a car with the suffix “x”. A suffix is the alphabet that came with the car after all the numerals. Uncle Hansen drove a black “Ford”, but his car number didn’t come with an “x”. 

My mother seemed to be able to get along well with Aunty J. I Past Story by thought that Aunty J was very beautiful. She kept long hair and the tip of her hair curled out like it was permed. Later on she told me that her hair was very inconvenient. 

“I have to go to the hairdresser to wash my hair and get them to blow dry for me.” 

“Why?” I ventured further. 

“It is very dry and if you don’t blow them in place they are like wire.” 

My mother too had natural curls, whereas mine was very straight and if I didn’t perm my hair it did not fall nicely. So that was one difference between my mother and myself. We were not very much alike. In fact, we were two different characters altogether. 

I liked Aunty J not because she was much younger but because she was glamorous looking. I thought that Uncle Hansen liked her because of this too. He often slept with her sleeping on a mat on the floor by the side, with his bedroom door open. Uncle Hansen slept on his own single bed. Aunty J was my favourite aunty amongst Second Aunty, Third Aunty, Fourth Aunty and Fifty Aunty. 

The one I liked least was Third Aunty. 

Often, I saw her mother coming into the house and she sat on the dinning chair with one leg folded up on the other. It looked quite un-lady like. She did not speak to me. I had no objection to her except that she spoke very loudly. This Aunty kept short curly hair. Actually, she belonged to the grandma generation and I shouldn’t be calling her aunty. I was not too sure if she was still alive today. 

I once thought that she was a mama-san. She smoked and that  was how I arrived at that conclusion. 

Chapter 19

I was sure that my mother asked herself whether she needed to go to U.K. 

I spent my children education in two schools: St. Nicholas’s Girls’ School and Nanyang Girls’ High School. Nobody knew the real reason why I had to leave St. Nicholas. I was being terrified.

I did attend St Nicholas for a while ….

My classroom happened to be situated next to a spiral staircase leading upwards. A girl with a pair of deformed legs supported by a wooden frame walked passed the classroom at around the same time almost every day. She arrived just outside our classroom and then she took the spiral staircase up. When she walked her shoes made a loud sound. I could still remember her walking there every day. I was very afraid of her and her artificial legs. 

I didn’t know why the handicapped girl scared me very badly so much so that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I was afraid of bumping into her. Sometimes at recess I would see her walking around the opposite side of the courtyard in the school. I tried to flee from her but there was one time that I confronted her even as I was trying to run away. I walked in the other direction and there she came too. I was very scared. She wasn’t diseased or anything, but her legs frightened me. I had no one to express my fear to. 

My mother had come back by then, but I didn’t talk to her. 

I was also being told to sell cards. The school would give each one of us twenty cards to sell and then after having collected the money to place them in an envelope and to record the donor’s name and the contribution. I had known no one. I had disowned all of my cousins. I was not even introduced to as Cousin Sumin to the ones born after 1967. 

One day the opportunity came. I was to have been caught stealing sweets in the school. Both an Indonesian girl and I were brought to the principal’s office to face disciplinary action. I remembered sitting in the school office with the girl on my left. 

“She told me to do it,” I said vehemently placing the culpability onto the girl. 

“Is this a gang effort?” the disciplinary teacher continued with her question. 

“Yes, she was the one,” 

Again, I continued with her culpability. 

Chapter 20 

I wanted to get out of St. Nicholas Girls School but didn’t know how. I must have prayed. So, when the opportunity presented itself I grabbed it. I must leave the St Nicholas’ at all cost. The girl with the wooden legs was getting me crazy. And during the questioning I heard, 

“If you are guilty of extortion you would have to leave school.” I immediately replied that I did, so that I could leave the school and go somewhere else.

“Are you the one who took money?” the principal asked. 

“Yes,” again I said. 

“Did she take money from you?” the principal pursued. 

“Yes,” 

“Are you the one who took money?” again I said yes. 

“She took money from you or you took money from her?” the disciplinary teacher and the principal asked, pointing to the older girl. 

“She told me to take money from other people.” I made out a prima facie case. 

“Okay, let me talk to your mother.” Late in the evening my mother was waiting outside the room. 

“Why did you do that?” the Indonesian girl looked at me. 

“You don’t have to do that.” She looked me in the eye. 

I looked back at her, I couldn’t explain. In my mind I had worked it all out already. Just say anything for you to get out of the school, you will never get the chance again. 

My mother was around during the confrontation throughout. She was angry with the school principal for she told her to take me out of the school. I was already in Primary Three. It would have been a pity if I were to leave during mid-term.

“How could they do that?” My Dad was furious. 

“This is the trouble with these missionary schools.”

“Whose idea was it to send her there?” Of course, it must have been my Por Por. 

But in reality, no one knew. I couldn’t understand the adult language, so I couldn’t report to my father. I only remembered Ma Jie and Por Por discussing the incident in Nan Hua. 

And so, they started a round of quarrel. My Dad was angry with my mother again. It seemed that she was not aware of the fact that I was being sent to a missionary school. St. Nicholas’ was the sister school of the Katong Convent. My mother was the alumnus of the Katong Convent. The St Nicholas’ was in town, but the Katong Convent was in Katong. Apart from the address the difference between the two schools was that you spoke English in the Katong Convent but in the St Nicholas’ Girls School, Mandarin. 

Chapter 21 

I came out of St. Nicholas”. Now I was in Nanyang Girls’ High School. Today was the first day of school. I put on my school uniform and was Past Story by unhappy that it’s didn’t look nice. It came in two pieces and the top did not fit properly. 

It had got three holes, the words “Nan Yang” in Chinese was sewn onto it with red threads. The bottom half was a pleated white skirt and the pleats do not fall neatly. I didn’t like this uniform. But it was not important for the time. So long as I need not see the girl with the wooden legs again I was prepared for anything. Of course, I might find another girl with wooden legs in Nanyang. I was just afraid of anything that looked abnormal. 

Communication from me to my parents was usually from me to my mother, my mother to my Dad, and vice versa. I never said things to my Dad directly. My Dad was the head of the unit. He was stern and he wore thick-rimmed glasses. Kong Kong wore glasses too, and so did Second Uncle, Third Uncle, Fourth Uncle and Fifth Uncle. 

If Upstairs was number 3B my Kong Kong’s house, then number 3 at my Dad’s house should be Downstairs. My recollection of downstairs began when all the furniture was in place. As you entered, you were in a room, and then from the right you go into a long corridor where you were protected from thieves by a set of grills. The grills were white in colour. Once you reached the middle of the corridor, a large entrance led you to the heart of the house into a larger room with three doors. One door led to the dining room, one to the back room and one to my room. From my room you couldn’t go out except through the large room. 

A large table sat in this large room. That was my mother’s worktable. My mother was a career woman, she worked most of the time. I was very proud of her, as she was a working woman, compared to my other classmates who were housewives. My mother was someone to brag about. I knew that my Dad was a lawyer straight away, as Ma Jie had told me before that he went overseas to study law. 

Chapter 22 

My Dad did not talk to me. My mother was the one that conveyed most of his messages. 

“Ask her to bathe,” 

“Ask her to eat,” 

“Ask her to come here,” I didn’t know why my Dad could not say these things directly to me. 

Why couldn’t he just said, “Ming, go and bathe,”?

He seemed to dislike me. I was very scared of him and very unhappy about having to be stuck with these two persons now. Upstairs was much more relaxed, and I had a lot more freedom. For one, there was silence sometimes whereas number 3 the two were always engaged in conversation. So, I had to be concentrating on what was happening. In Upstairs often Por Por watched television and during that time no one talked except for Ma Jie’s commentary. If Ma Jie was busy on the kitchen cooking dinner, no one actually noticed what I was doing. 

No, all the time I was not doing what I was not supposed to be doing. No one told me what I should be doing in the first place. What did a kid at four or five do all the time? I was the eldest in the grandchildren so that I had no one to look to for comparison. That was sad. 

“Ask her to come out,” the stern looking man shouted, and my mother looked for me and she told me.

“Your father wants to talk to you,” I was a little bit frightened. Why couldn’t he talk to me directly? Why did he have to go through a third party?

I went with my mother to see him. 

Chapter 23

I was terrified of my Dad because he shouted. He got angry very often and when he was angry it was like being in a war zone. My mother never shouted back at him. Everything that my Dad said went. If my Dad wanted the apples to be cut into three pieces she would cut it into three. If my Dad wanted lights in the room she would turn on the switch. He sat in the television room and shouted, 

“Sow! Pass me the remote control,” 

And she ran out from the kitchen at the back of the house and rushed out to the television room and got the remote control next to the television and passed it to him. The item was just by his side, but he had to engage her services. My father had polio when he was very young. But that should not prevent him from getting up from his chair to pick up the remote control. His legs are symmetrical. 

I was very upset at the way that my mother was being treated. I told myself when I grew older to ask my mother to leave. But I never told anyone about this. Unless I had a very close friend I could not tell anyone. Things like this never happened Upstairs. 

Chapter 24 

I was not allowed to watch television. Television was prohibited from me because I couldn’t help watching the Cantonese drama, which Por Por and I enjoyed so much. In those days there wasn’t any television series. Every screening came in a story and the story ended there. 

I got to know Seow Fong Fong, Chan Bao Zhu, Jie Yin and the rest. And I admired them. I lived with them. They were as real as my parents were to me. At least at age four I knew what they looked like. I only knew my mother through her handwriting. I was not able to piece together her picture like the way the Police do it when they wanted to arrest a criminal on the run. But even if you drew a picture of my mother I would not be able to tell it was she for sure. 

It was stressful. My parents started to engage a part-time servant. The part-time servant was allowed to watch television, but I was not. I felt discriminated against and alienated. Television was my source of entertainment as well as my current affairs. To me the script on television was real life.

I often asked, “does my Mami look like Chan Bao Zhu?” 

“I think you look more like Chan Bao Zhu,” Ma Jie replied. 

If Chan Bao Zhu got married on screen, I would be the Chan Bao Zhu who was married. 

No, Upstairs was never unkind to me. They were simply indifferent to me. 

Chapter 25

Since these two persons came back I hardly went upstairs again. Times I could visit Por Por was when I was joining them for meals. It was usually lunch. My mother was working and thus she was not free to cook lunch for me. 

In fact, my mother was not free to cook dinner for me either. She was a career mother. I was not complaining about this, as it did not matter to me. Besides, I had no one to complain to. So long as I got my food it did not matter who cooked for me. But one day, Ma Jie gave me a Bento. 

A bento was a lunch box. It was a Japanese word. You would find that Japanese seeped out in the story as I also spoke and wrote some Japanese. This was a third language I acquired after 1983. Basically, my life fell into four sections: between 1963 and 1967, between 1967 and 1983, and after 1994. 1994 is the year in which my daughter is born. But I didn’t want to talk about her now. 

I loved my mother. But not more than my Dad. She was gentle, and she took charge of me. When she spoke to me there was a certain warmth about her which I didn’t get from anyone of the people upstairs before. “So, this is what a mother is like,” I told myself. I started attending Nanyang Girls’ High School. It was called a girls’ high school, but I was only in the primary school. I liked the school and was very grateful to my mother for taking me out of the previous school. This was only what a mother would do for you: taking children out of their predicament.

At home still in my school uniform ….

Chapter 26 

I really didn’t like the uniform. I wanted to wear the pinafore that St. Nicholas’ designed. But I couldn’t go back to the school now. It was sad, but I remembered the girl with the pair of wooden legs. However, I didn’t see the other children anymore. I missed my classmates. They were students who did well and were the teacher’s favourite. At St. Nicholas’ the teachers showed favouritism to three girls and I was left out of the picture most of the time. I didn’t know why. Maybe it was because it was only my grandmother who registered me in school. This time things in Nanyang were different. The teachers were nice to me. 

I was quite happy to be transferred from St. Nicholas’ to Nanyang. Many people asked me why, but I just kept quiet. I didn’t know how to give them the reason. It was difficult to give a reason when there was a story behind it. I had no patience to elaborate. Besides how could I explain the admission of new evidence that I was extorting sweets from other younger school children at the principal’s office on the spur of the moment? 

“Love me Nanyang Primary”. This was the new slogan nowadays for the school, but I didn’t love them. In fact, I didn’t love any of the old schools I went to. I have learnt to drop the past by now. After the effort of losing the impression of the depressed lady and seeing her back again, I became stronger. I learnt how to cut off my emotions relating to the St. Nicholas’, provided that others didn’t mention the school to me. I did not know that I have to confront my ex-primary school classmates again in 1977 when I joined the Junior College at seventeen. 

It was easy to drop your past and move on. 

At Nanyang I was the golden girl. My mother was working in the Ministry of Education as a Deputy Director. It wasn’t a high position but that showed that she had some connection. The teachers were nice to me. One time I was slow in handing out my homework as when it came to my turn I was not ready, the teacher pretended not to see. I needed to be pardoned for some misdemeanour. I needed someone to love me. I had been deprived of it. I never received a mother’s love for three long years. In fact, I never had a mother as far as I could remember. I was born without a mother and was given one only at the age of six. 

I knew that I shouldn’t complain about this anymore, I was already fourteen having ascended into the secondary school now. 

My best friend was Wei Ching. She was the daughter of a very wealthy Chinese family. Her mother followed her to school every day in a large Jaguar. I recalled the maroon colour of the Jaguar and the fact that they were one of the few families who have a driver. Her elder sister was also in the same school, but I much preferred to talk to Wei Ching. Wei Ching has a special sense of humour, which her elder sister didn’t have. I got along well with the family. Aunty Mrs Sun always invited me to sit in her car and followed them back to their house at Whitley Road. 

That day the taxi drove past Whitley Road and I saw that it was unoccupied now. The grounds were forlorn and there was no car parked at the garage. 

Chapter 27

Both Wei Ching and I were at the Girl Guides and we played truant. So, the fact was that I graduated from the Nanyang primary school. My results for the national examination the primary school leaving examination known as the PSLE were very good. The questions posed at the examination were unusual and I thought that it was meant for someone with a high IQ. I scored high marks and my Dad was satisfied.

Me as one of the girl guides ….

I knew by now that my parents liked me to do well in my studies. So, whenever there were any quarrels I would hide in my room on the pretext that I needed to study. In fact, it was the opposite. Whatever I read could not be absorbed as I was worried that it could turn nasty. Once or twice my Dad would walk into my room to confront me. Invariably I realized that it had something to do with Upstairs. One day my Dad came up to me and told me that Upstairs wanted to throw us the three of us out of St. Thomas Walk. I couldn’t believe my ears! All along I knew them to be relatives, by now a more distant relative. Soon after the relationship deteriorated to that of landlord and tenant. 

I was very perturbed. In the day I went to school but in the afternoon, I sat in my bedroom also the study room wondering if I should go upstairs for my meals or to say hello. Should I turn my Dad’s enemy into my own enemy? If you asked me, I was not fond of them, I was just used to them. We spoke one common language, Cantonese. 

Every day from then on, I wanted a bottom line whenever my parents spoke to each other. They were not particularly civil to each other. My mother always had something to say after my Dad. And my Dad always had something to say after my mother. I could not tell you who always ended the conversation, as there was no consistency to that. 

I was just a kid who was hiding in my parents’ house. At that time, I started reading books like “The Diary of Ann Frank” and I imagined myself to be living in an attic. I had an expensive study table with a shelf underneath. And I used that as a shelter whenever I climbed in pulling my rotating chair close. 

My father was the rich provider. He bought this table for me together with the rest of the items. Things started coming. Always good expensive things. When I was living upstairs, presents only come during Christmas and my birthday. What upset me was when one of the relative said, “Now Sumin, this is for you – your Christmas and birthday present together. Since it is so close to each other.” I felt short changed. But of course it was nice of them to buy me presents. 

Chapter 28

I was having my piano lessons again today. 

My piano teacher was just down the road. She lived at the opposite block the Air View Towers. Teacher sometimes gave me a ride to school since we were heading to the same school. I still remembered her name as Nan Hong. Nan Hong was the youngest in her family, and I went to her house to learn how to play the piano. 

I dreaded the piano ….

I met her several years later and found her to be working at the Mitsu Bank. She was just as thin, but I couldn’t remember what she told me that day. I repeated it to my mother when I came home, and she promptly dismissed it. My mother had the habit of using me to interpret things but never bothered to explain them to me. 

My teacher came from everyone else but she. And also, by watching her I learnt. I learnt by not following her example. 

I hated piano. I liked music though. But I saw music as background noise. If you could sit down and listened to Mozart or Chopin without doing anything else, then you liked music. I liked music most when it was used as a background noise. Most of the time I had to do something else when music was being played. 

Before I took my last examination at Grade Five, I was being taught by a Eurasian Lady who was much more mature and a little bit fat. She also lived nearby at a block of flats at the old house. 

I had more than one piano teachers. Every round at the beginning of each academic year, my piano teachers taught me the three pieces that I needed for the external examiner to grade. So since I had Grade Five, I could play at least fifteen pieces of excerpts, and only limited to fifteen. 

I was saying this because I wanted to tell you that piano lessons were my source of nightmares. At least more than once, I dreamt of myself having to go for my piano lessons without having prepared for it. I hated those dreams, I loathed those lessons. I had not touched a piano since I took my last exams in 1976. That was the same year I sat for my “O” Levels. 

In order to stop all piano lessons, I threatened my mother, “If you make me sit for the piano exams again, I am going to chop off my fingers.” So, she relayed the message to my Dad, who gave permission to stop. Of course, I wouldn’t chop my fingers. 

I was not an idiot. 

Chapter 29

Behind the bungalow where the flats were situated, there was a slope that led you down to nowhere. At the end of the slope was a fence. That turned out to be a rubbish collection centre for all my old books and unwanted old clothes. No, just unwanted clothes. Some of them were brand new. Whenever I felt uncomfortable with any item that I owned, I quickly dragged them to the centre and dumped everything, about three feet down the slope and rushed back to Number 3 and shut the door so that no one saw me going there. 

No one came to query me on that so that I knew that my dumping ground was safe. 

“You shouldn’t do that,” someone might have said to me. 

“No, I don’t want my properties to be discovered by my father,” 

I said loudly to the little voice that told me that this was a waste and should not be done. 

I had no obscene articles to throw; they were just some old books and some clothes that I didn’t want my parents to know that had once belonged to me. I didn’t know how many days they would lie there until someone picked them up. But I could be rest assured that once it was there my secret was safe with me. 

My Dad was always shouting, “Tell her to change out of this at once,” to which my mother would just comply. 

Sometimes she and I had to change clothes more than once before it would be approved by my Dad. 

My Dad was not mad. He simply did not want to see us in certain clothes. He did have an idea of how I should dress: no black, not too low-cut and in plain colours. He also had a very good eye for shapes and designs so that he could tell you if that suits your body contour or not. And he hated long hair. 

Come to think of it, I didn’t think that he was unreasonable at all. But most people found him so. I didn’t know why. 

According to my mother, my Dad came back to Singapore first in September 1967 and she came back in October 1967. But in all of my life until now I still think that my Dad came back from London after my mother. Memory was playing tricks with me again. Let me walk you down memory lane again.

Behind the flat was the dumping ground ….

Chapter 30

In Nanyang secondary two I had a very close friend called Lin Xun Mei. She was a victim of polio. I felt very sorry for her, as I was also a victim of “irreconcilable differences” and belonged to the misfortunate. We got along well. I followed her to the bookshops at Bras Basah Road the Popular Book Store and I bought books with her and for her. In those days if you gave money away to your friends no one could charge you for bribery. I gave a lot of things away. I also paid for some of the meals I had with her. Basically, I was not a calculative person. I felt that friends were more important than relatives. 

I started buying posters like “Friends are flowers in the Garden of Life”. In between I also gave an expensive stationary holder to another rich Indonesian girl by the name of Lim Kin Xian who came from the same class. She accepted it grace and used it faithfully. I didn’t think that I was trying to carry favour. It was just that being rich she had an air about her and that I liked beautiful things, including people. 

As I said, my Dad was very successful in his career. Filial piety was being taught in Nanyang and my Dad proudly told his client friends that he sent his daughter to a Chinese school because of this reason. He also taught me to broadcast the fact that Chinese was my first language. 

Throughout my life I was stopped from learning how to speak and write Malay. I found difficulty in learning Malay. I lived in Singapore a country surrounded by Muslim neighbours, yet whenever I wanted to activate my third language Japanese came out instead of Malay. My Japanese was strong even though I did not pass any paper. I taught myself Japanese. I polished it up when I was working with the Embassy of Japan.

Chapter 31

I didn’t know why my Dad disliked Lin Xun Mei so much. Lin Xun Mei had one leg shorter than the other. If I found the girl on wooden legs objectionable, then why did I make Lin Xun Mei my best friend? Only Sherlock Holms could answer that question. Perhaps Agatha Christie. Yes. They were my favourite books. I read Sherlock Holms from Chinese and Agatha Christie from English. I thought they didn’t have Agatha Christie in Chinese. These authors I knew that I did not have to wrap them up. My Dad was clever. One day he came up to me and told me that he knew what I was doing. It was strange, as though I were his enemy and I preventing him from spying on me. 

But after Lin Xun Mei I was not afraid of handicapped persons anymore. In fact, I found out that my left leg was slightly longer than my right and maybe that was why I always preferred to use the taxi as a regular mode of transport. 

Lin Xun Mei told me that my Dad did not treat me like a daughter at all. I got angry at her. But I continued to befriend her. 

Having secured both my parents under one roof, now I didn’t care how babies came about anymore. These matters were left to God. In St. Matthews Kindergarten they taught me the Bible and that God was the overall in charge. Por Por taught me that prayers were important. She propped me up on the double bed and prayed with me every night until it was time for her to attend to Kong Kong. She slept on a single bed pushed against the wall and I slept on her double bed. Kong Kong was nowhere to be found. 

Por Por was always very tense during night time after Kong Kong has come back from his Tiger Balm office, often depending on Ma Jie to interpret his mood. I remembered that Por Por always prayed for my parents. But only God could remember how she referred to them in our prayers. It was cruel to ask others to recall events where memory has failed them. 

I could not tell you whether it was nicer with or without parents. The two of them were simply characters that were strangers that came into my life. The Chinese community where I learnt Mandarin from said that “Life is a stage and a play is like real life.” I fully agreed with that. I had confused my parents with characters in the Chinese Wayang. It took a while to realize that what I saw in the birth certificate was the truth. 

After I went to live in Number 3, I also found out that Upstairs Por Por and Ma Jie referred to my parents’ house as Downstairs. And mind you, the Chinese has a way of putting people down. Instead of calling my parents as the two persons, Ma Jie changed the unit reference to the animal species and they were referred to leong zer ye. I didn’t think I heard Por Por objecting. It could also sometimes be used as a term of endearment. 

It was difficult to interpret the adults’ frame of mind. 

Chapter 32

They said that all school toilets were haunted. The school toilet in Nanyang was invariably dirty with no soap at the basin. I had my skirt soiled with blood during the months of my period as I often carried insufficient sanitary pads. This I had my mother to blame for. She was concentrating on her career all the time. I did not know what she thought I would become after I finished school. I wanted to be like Chen Chen and Lin Qing Xia although I knew that to be an ambition impossible to achieve. I was just an ugly duckling.

The dream to be an actress was conveyed to my mother and she promptly engaged an ex-student of hers to talk me out of it. Yes, you guessed correctly, my mother was a teacher before she joined the Ministry of Education. In fact, both my parents were school teachers.

Chapter 33 

“Your father has a legendary temper.” Everyone who knew my Dad said this of him. He was fierce. And I was terrified of him. Whenever he was near the vicinity, all creatures big and small trembled. 

My Dad was also a cameraman. He liked taking pictures, he liked to explore on IT matters. Well, so did I, which was unusual for a girl. 

“Tonight, you record this program on TV,” he would assign tasks to me underlining one program from the television page in the Straits Times. 

This was one way in which he tested whether I was paying attention. I told you that I lived from day to day. Sometimes I forgot. 

“Did you record ‘The Bionic Man’ for me tonight?” 

“No,” All hell broke loose. 

“I forgot.” 

The word “forgot” was not in my Dad’s vocabulary. Neither was “no idea.” I learnt to dislike some words. I too disliked people who told me that they forgot or that they had no idea. But I stopped short of asking, “since when do you have any idea?” 

I have nothing to tell you about my paternal grandmother except that she had a very large mouth. Her teeth protruded a little outside and she was old. We were not indifferent to each other we were just relatives. 

Why was I fonder of my father’s side of the family? 

I saw them less often and they were closer to me in character. They spoke English and no other languages. I could speak both English and Cantonese. But I could not speak Malay. 

As I could not understand English very well, whenever my parents referred to someone as “she” I would think that they, were talking bad about me, that drove me to a spot. I either continue to stand there until I determined who “she” was, or I move away to my study to hide. Once I was in my bedroom studying they won’t come in. 

But I was not my father’s wife nor my mother’s husband. There was no way in which I could divorce them. But why were these two persons talking about me all the time? 

Chapter 34

At this time in 1974 when Lin Xun Mei came into the picture I could speak Chinese very well. I read books written by a Taiwanese author Qiong Yeow and I lived in her world. You have guessed correctly that she wrote the books I have thrown away at my favourite dumping ground. They were romantic books with romantic covers. I used my discretion as to which books to throw and which to keep. I read her books more than once. 

Slowly I learnt to wrap the books with gift-wrapping papers. I started to patronize stationary shops and in particular one at corner at Robinsons’ the ‘Kalms’ Shop. This wrapping chore was done so that I need not throw the books away. Otherwise I would have to buy a new copy if I wanted to read it again. Lin Xun Mei started to ask me why I bought the same books. As you know, she went to the Popular Bookshop with me. It was also an answer difficult to give because of the story behind it. How was I going to explain that my parents could not understand Chinese and that they judged my reading material by its’ cover? 

I too learnt to judge friends and family by its cover. If someone dressed in black and as I did not like the colour I would refrain from speaking to him or her. I had acquired my Dad’s theory and logic. But what was his logic? 

In deciding whether to throw the books or to keep them I looked at the cover without considering its content. I knew that my parents could not read Chinese, so it was no use showing them the inside and explaining that they were harmless. Qiong Yeow was no obscene material she was just a romantic writer just like Mills and Boons. Her story consisted mainly of unrequited love with Taiwan as the backdrop. At that time, I could not tell the difference between China and Taiwan yet.

I distinguished them only in 2001 when I was given a green passport and a maroon passport to process at the Embassy of Japan. My colleague marvelled at my ignorance. I jumped at the chance to criticize my parents. They were always hogging the Straits Times. How would I get a chance to know any current affairs?

Chapter 35 

Nonetheless life carried on. I couldn’t tell you with precise accuracy when I stopped going upstairs. But I could tell you when my Dad decided that it must come to a stop. One day after some quarrel between the two of them, my Dad chauffeured me out of the front door at Number 3 and told me that if I continued to go upstairs then didn’t come into the front door anymore. I stood outside the painted white door, tears running down my face. 

My mother came up to hug me and shouted at my Dad, “How can you do this to her?” But in the end after some discussion my Dad let me in and closed the door behind me and locked the gate at the same time. I was not angry with my Dad about that for subsequently I found out that Upstairs wanted me and my parents out of Number 3. 

The trouble was that I hardly understood what my parents were saying to each other all the time, and that was why I only got one side of the story so that I often thought that my parents were on the same side against me. 

I was merely guessing all the time. 

Chapter 36 

Tonight, after dinner I took my parents’ side. Why was it after dinner? No reason. Just that during dinner the two of them talked to each other and I often came to some conclusion on their discussion without knowing the contents. Any maid hired during the time was my confidante. She played with me and listened to the complaints I had with other school children and I told her who was my favourite actress. The leading man had progressed now from Jie Yin to David Chiang. 

This Saturday afternoon my mother brought me to see David Chiang. God, he lost his arm. Tse Yin was Por Por’s boyfriend whereas David Chiang was mine. With your mother around you could claim some things. A boyfriend not in the least. 

That was the first movie I ever saw. I had no comparison to make. I had a few cousins by then, but they didn’t talk to me as my parents had already quarrelled with my mother’s side of the siblings. I had few classmates whom I could talk to as I had many facts, which was too difficult to explain in plain simple Chinese unless I translated the entire event from English into Chinese to make out a case. 

Why did you like to talk to me? 

That was why I liked watching movies. The title of David Chiang’s movie was “Revenge”. It showed of how, despite the fact that his arm had been chopped off by his enemy, David Chiang could use the only other useful arm to take revenge. I saw how courageous David was and because of my Chinese upbringing, was able to tell my mother that David was not using his Chinese name at all. I couldn’t recall now if his right or left arm was missing. 

My Dad was very pleased that I enjoyed the show. 

I continued with my Chinese education and my Dad had more and more Chinese client. 

Chapter 37 

Although Fourth Aunty was the daughter of a very rich man, I knew him not. I was never in the Chinese community. Certain tycoons were ignorant to me. I was all along trying to find out ways and means to outwit my clever Dad. So, I might have been rude to Fourth Aunty. As far as I was concerned, I judged my Aunties on how pretty they were. Fourth Aunty was also pretty. My measure on my Uncles was how good-looking they were. 

I grew up watching people moving in and out of a movie box. Money was never the criterion for deciding on whether I should befriend you. 

You might think that I was rich, but I wasn’t. Until then I was given only two ten-dollar bills for going to school. It was insufficient for buying the extra Chin Chow and the packet of Mo Fa Guo from the school canteen. So, I started stealing. I started with the coins I could see lying on top of the shelf in the large hall outside my bedroom. 

On the fourth attempt my Dad spotted me. He shouted at my mother and confronted her. My mother of course knew nothing about it. She defended me. They quarrelled again. But this time I pardoned them, as I knew that I was the catalyst. I waited for war to end. Finally, my Dad told me, “Be careful it is okay if it were us, you do that to other people they will report you to the Police.” That stopped me from stealing. 

To prevent me from committing the crime again, my Dad started giving me money, large amounts in cash to facilitate spending. And they were always in red, ten-dollar bills. He was a good teacher and a good father too. Whenever he brought me and my mother out for dinner at night, he would ask a few questions to test me, and if my answer were satisfactory, he would quietly hand me down some red notes. Finally, I became so rich that at the university level even before I could graduate from Law 4, I was able to buy clothes that cost two hundred dollars per piece. 

Nobody knew how I got that much money. They tried to find out if my Dad was corrupt. He wasn’t. It was just that I did not know how to save money. Spending became my habit. I became very uncomfortable in a working environment. I prospered in retail environment.

Chapter 38 

Since we started quarrelling with Upstairs, living at St. Thomas Walk was not always pleasant. Our house was located on the side which faced the main road and you had to walk round our house before you could go to the block of flats at the back. So, whenever Por Por wanted to speak to any of her tenants she had to come around. Most of these times I was studying in the large common room. I could always hear what Por Por said to Ma Jie from the garden to upstairs where Ma Jie sun dry her clothes. 

By this time at age twelve I was sufficiently instigated to treat my earlier relatives as enemies. Whatever I heard Por Por said I would report to my mother, who would in turn report to my Dad. I was sure that my mother’s side of the family was surprised at the speed with which I was bought over. It was not too difficult since Upstairs had become the landlord. 

They never did look into my schoolwork. Por Por was educated she could read and write Chinese but apart from the colour pencil incident she never looked into my school bag again. In the meantime, my mother had taken over my schoolwork completely. Apart from teaching me she also taught in the Singapore Chinese Girls’ School. I was a student in Nanyang Girls’ High School. I was neither happy nor unhappy. But I found that it was so good to have parents. It was like a present from God. 

Most people took their parents for granted. 

At the time whenever we quarrelled or when there was a major event coming up which neither one of us could afford to be unhappy, my Dad would check my mother and me into a local hotel for a few night’s stay. It was strange as we were Singaporeans living in Singapore. But you couldn’t stop us from doing it, there was nothing illegal about it. It created the impression to Upstairs that we were out of town. 

Chapter 39 

I particularly liked the Shangri-La Hotel. It had a large ground and it was a five-star hotel. My father was the legal adviser to the owners of the hotel. He was doing very well in his legal career. I was not doing so well in Law School. During this period my Dad came home after work and brought my mother and I out for dinner. He never taught me any law, my colleagues in law school did. 

I had a lot of designer clothes to get by. And by which time my vocabulary was sufficiently good enough to understand fifty percent of my parents’ conversation. I could tell when the subject matter was harmless to me and that my parents were not talking about me all the time. They were better caregivers than the Upstairs. 

Now that these two persons had assumed the role of parents they began telling me what to do. They began to set rules for me. I listened but I resented it very much. There were no rules when I was living upstairs. I could do what I wanted. The first rule was that I should not talk to Upstairs. The second was that I was not supposed to have any boyfriends. 

Chapter 40

I had also wanted to do accountancy in the university. I applied and I was accepted. Accountancy would have been less taxing for my Chinese educated brains. Law was language.

That evening my mother came into my bedroom and sat with me. After the conversation I wrote to the Registrar of the University of Singapore and I changed my choice of accountancy to law.

In my second year they amalgamated the University of Singapore with the Nanyang University to become the National University of Singapore. During those times you could still draw a distinction between the English speaking and the Chinese speaking in Singapore. Many of my Chinese educated friends were unhappy about this.

In law school most of the time I spent trying to fit into the English speaking society where the ACS and the SCGS student dominated. I distracted myself by turning my priority into how I could look for the day. The English educated had a flair for dressing and did not look “Ah Lian” like me.

Most of the time during lessons I would think of when I would be released from class so that I could go to the Arts canteen stall to eat Char Kway Teow. The stall holder who fried the dish already knew that I wanted it with lots of chillies.

I suffered tremendously. I could not fit into the conversation and was slow in catching the topic of conversation. I was unable to form any permanent relationships. Zaird was the only long lasting one which I carried over from junior college into law school and the link was broken just before I sat for my finals in law 4.

Zaird had applied and was accepted into a university in New Zealand. In those days going overseas was tantamount to a goodbye as there was no handphone no Skype.

I operated in three worlds then, none of which approved of the other if it was aware of its existence; one in law school, one with Zaird, and the other with my parents at home. At that time I had already severed all of my ties with my ex-Chinese classmates. 

All the time all I could think of was how to secure the law degree which was getting slightly easier after each year. The fact was that I did not know what the people in law school were talking about all the time. At any one time I could only grasp about twenty percent of the conversation.

Today at 11 o’clock I think I was early. I arrived at the law library and I was happy that I found my usual cubicle vacant. If I were a little later someone else might have taken this corner. Temperature there was low and is cold. I decided to go to the reference section and borrow some books then come back.

I borrowed the books and I went straight to the room where two photocopying machines stood. Faithfully I copied from page 1124 to 1145. Once done I considered having read its contents and I returned the book. The photocopied pages I told myself I would read it later. I never did as I couldn’t understand it, or fast enough.             

I usually went to the canteen alone and I had only one dish on my menu – char kuay teow. The hawker knew by now that it was dark with lots of chillies. My brains got the rest it needed badly.      

Perhaps it was the designer clothes, bags and shoes that I was wearing that made my classmates think that I was flaunting. But the truth of the matter was, that I needed my external appearance to spruce myself up. In reality I felt lousy about my poor English. Often I asked stupid questions to get into the topic of conversation. And once I asked, my classmates knew that I wasn’t following them.

But I had my own tailor a pair of sisters who operated a shop by the name of “Grace” at the bottom of Mt Elizabeth just behind Lucky Plaza and there I designed my own clothes. I spent part of my brain cells on fashion in order to relax. Of course my hobby cost me a fortune. 

During the regular once a year gathering of my Nanyang secondary classmates I attended I always sat in and listened. I could not participate as I had left them and gone into the English side. Stuck in between I could not move to the English side, neither could I walk backwards into the past.

In the seventies the English speaking were regarded as the upper strata of the society. And if you didn’t speak Chinese you have something to be proud of. Of course many people speak Chinese nowadays. At that time my mind was speaking in Chinese, operating in a Chinese world in the English society. All the while I was trying to integrate my Chinese brains into the English environment, which could not be accomplished unless I think in English as well. The trouble was that I didn’t know when I think in English and when I think in Chinese. How could you ever tell?

Chapter 41 

At this time, I already knew Zaird. Zaird was an English educated boy, he spoke English with a Singaporean slang. I liked it very much. We would sit in the forum of the Hwa Chong Junior College and did our homework together. I had a calculator a very expensive one that my mother bought for me and I used it to study Mathematics. All the worldly possessions I had was bought for by my mother which was paid for by my Dad. 

My parents were pleasant company. They always joked and laughed with other people around. They have one very close friend, namely the Seows. Whenever the Seows were in town my parents would not fail to meet up with them. They were good people and the friendship were formed when they were in the university in London with my parents. I didn’t know what they did together. This information was not available. 

All I was told was that my mother met Aunty Seow when she was going down the staircase as Aunty Seow was coming up the staircase. At that time Aunty Seow was pregnant with her daughter. The Seows subsequently came back to Singapore for holiday and gave a birthday party for the girl her daughter. She was four when I was eight.

Birthday girl was my parents’ best friend’s daughter ….

Dad liked her. Alexandra was a normal healthy Chinese British girl who spoke exactly like a Briton. Sometimes seeing the both of them together I always felt that my Dad would prefer her as his daughter. I was always jealous of Alexandra even though she was Uncle Seow’s daughter. My Dad has this cultural gap with me and he often treated me like some strange creature. That was natural of him. Whenever I thought and spoke in Chinese I shut my parents out of my world. 

I love my parents. There was nothing wrong with my parents. All children love their parents and people in general love their parents. And they loved their siblings too. However, I have no siblings to love. In deciding whether to have another child I remembered that my father asked me for my consent. I recalled one afternoon at the St. Thomas Walk house by the bay window my Dad and my mother asked me what I thought of having another sister or brother. And I said, “No problem, so long as you leave me all of your money to me as inheritance.” This answer I learnt from Por Por – hold on to the money. 

Later on, I realized that having a sibling was a good thing after all. A brother or sister can dance with you, she could be your alibi and he could be your confidant. This was what I missed most in life. However, if he failed to be your best friend he might turn out to be your best enemy. I was not angry with my parents for not producing a sibling for me. These presents came from heaven, you could only ask God for them. In subsequent years my Dad tried to find siblings for me but failed miserably. Everyone had his own family, and everyone loved their own parents. But my Dad later married another woman by the name of Maybelline, in the vain hope that she could become my surrogate sister. My mother of course agreed. Anything that was good for myself and my Dad she would agree. She was all self-sacrifice. 

Chapter 42

Little did we know that Maybelline had her own agenda. She wanted her own family with my father. Her plan was to out manoeuvre my mother and myself thus becoming the sole subject of my father’s affection. “This cannot do,” my father said to himself. 

One day in the middle of a quarrel he saw her holding a fish in her hand and she killed the fish squeezing it tight in her palm. 

“Such a wicked woman,” from then on, he refused to cohabit with her. 

“What would make of my child if she has one?” I think that created a lot of tension between my Dad and herself. 

Eventually they stopped talking to each other instead using the fridge door as a memo pad. They sent messages to each other by pasting post-me-pads under magnets on the fridge. This practice was related to Thatcher the office manager who worked for my Dad in his law film. 

Throughout my Dad’s life there were not more than one woman who wanted to marry him. He is still alive today and I was sure there will still be some more. My Dad was fun with other people but not with my mother, for reasons best known to themselves, he hated my mother. I tried to dig into the past to determine why and I put it down to the fact that my mother was the one who suggested marriage. 

She had a scholarship to go abroad but being reluctant to go too far she saw that getting married to my Dad was a better way out. Marriage had not occurred to my Dad then. To him he had other options, in particular a Queen’s scholar who specially flew herself back from London when she heard that he was getting married. At the material time he also had one other very attractive a Malay girlfriend. 

My mother loved my Dad. Sometimes even more so towards me. 

Chapter 43 

But of course, I couldn’t ask my Dad to produce Maybelline now. According to my mother, since my father moved into Gallop with my mother he has stopped seeing her. 

On 1988 the fifth of December my parents’ wedding anniversary they started sharing a house together. It was not strange to me. All of the years my father created the impression that they were living under one roof, so the fact that they were now physically living in the same house did not disturb me at all. Nobody was disturbed by this. We lived happily until 1994 when my daughter is born. 

Throughout marriage I was unhappy. Daily I complained to my mother that I was married. In reality I was not prepared for marriage at all. Now that my daughter is born thus sealing my relationship with Zaird as man and wife my complaints became more bitter. No, Zaird and I were not married in church. I told you we had only twenty-four guests at the wedding dinner. 

Chapter 44

My mother drove a Mercedes Benz with the number plate S7049U. I could remember the car number so well as that car picked me up daily from school and to tuition. 

In my mind women do not work after marriage. When I had made plans to marry Zaird I shredded all correspondences with my earlier boyfriends including a piece of score and birthday cards issued by my best friend’s brother. I wanted to burn the bridges. But I did not succeed as I never crossed the bridge over to the other side. I was always looking for someone else. And I missed my classmates at the Law Faculty. 

It was not easy to get married. I had to buy wedding clothes and I had to prepare for the wedding dinner. The guest list was short with an attendance of only twenty-four people including the bride and groom. By that time, I had already severed all ties with Upstairs so much so that not even Por Por was informed of the wedding. 

Jalan Pari Kikis was in the East Coast and whenever my Dad drove me home from Uncle W’s house I would fall asleep in his car at the back seat. I still called it Uncle W’s house even though shortly later he and Aunty P were divorced. In 1977 I stopped talking to Cousin Kenko my first cousin who decided to call himself by his Christian name. 

That was adolescence. Children do act in a strange way. Maybe I was doing a transfer of affection for that was the time I started to know Andy Aw who composed a music score for me. That score was hidden inside my drawer locked up until I married. 

Chapter 45

I had other boyfriends in Hwa Chong Junior College after I left Nanyang Girls’ High School. In Nanyang there were no boys so joining Hwa Chong Junior College was a cultural shock, as I had no male siblings. Boys immediately impressed me. My mind was still operating in Mandarin. 

Which meant that the moment you engaged me, you were talking to a PC with Chinese settings and Chinese commands. My mind thought in English from time to time, like you were typing English in a Chinese software. I was trying to substitute the new boys with my cousin. 

I had two other cousins from my Dad’s side.

Chapter 46

Por Por “Mooncake” always told me, “you must hold the money tight,” but I did not know what she was talking about. The message to me was that money was important, apart from good health and God. But the message did not register with me. I didn’t keep money; I liked to buy things for other people – “Friends are flowers in the garden of life.” Money could not buy love, neither could it buy you friendship, but a gift to your friend was one of the ways to say that you liked him. 

I hardly had friends. I was told to study all the time, and indeed I studied all the time. “She is studying,” became a sacred activity so that the moment my father was home I rushed into my room and sat in front of my desk. Only God knew if I were absorbing the text on the school books laid in front of me. 

Most of the time I was reading Qiong Yeow’s novels, by now I have had all of them wrapped up. My mother bought the other books in English when she went with me to MPH bookstore. She could buy English books for me whereas Chinese books only I could. 

My father said that I brought myself up. 

He was right. I sourced for my own reading material and I sourced for my own friends. I was perhaps the only student whose parents could not speak Chinese in the entire school of Nanyang. And I was very proud of the fact. But I was not a proud person. I liked particularly friends who came from lower-income families, as there were more people in that group and they are more unassuming. When you have to worry about whether your parents can afford to pay for your next meal you tended to ignore a remark made in gest and not meant to hurt. In any case I was in the same situation. My grandparents were going to evict us. 

Finally, the law came into effect and Number 3, together with 3A and 3B and the entire block of flats were declared to be a pre-war house and so people living in that house could continue to enjoy paying a nominal rent without being evicted. At the time I was in secondary two. My parents wanted to transfer me to an English medium school. 

By now you must have realized that I was a kid with a penchant for being alone. But I was not a sickly child. Apart from the fish bone incident I didn’t recall Por Por having to bring me to see a doctor. But when I came downstairs I started to fall ill easily. I suffered from a chronic condition called hay fever. Whenever I detected pollen in the air, my nose started to run. It ran also when there was a change in temperature. I am only free of a running nose when I was in cold dry climate with low humidity.

Always having this wretched running nose ….

Chapter 47

Today Lin Xun Mei was buying Nasi Lemak for me again. She had to pass by a market when on her way to school and she bought ten packets of the delicacy for all of us at once. The teacher detected the smell of food whilst I ate the Muslim dish, and I threw the banana leaf wrapping under top of my table. The school had a desk where you opened the top like a flap and then you could place your belongings inside. The teacher noticed the smell and came to my desk. She got a shock when she saw the amount of tissue paper underneath. She almost fainted and she screamed, “What is all this tissue paper? Throw all of it at once.” The issue of the Nasi Lemak never came back again. Lin Xun Mei continued to buy it for us. 

Lin Xun Mei was my best friend from primary school to 1976. In 1975 at secondary three we did a reshuffle. The brighter children in all of the classes in secondary two went on to two of the classes in secondary three. At secondary three I found a new friend Sin Hoon Yen. I met Sin Hoon Yen again in 1994 when she was pregnant with a son. She married and went to Taiwan. 

If being ill was bad for me I did not find it so. Being ill meant that I did not have to go to school to confront my peers. But in 1976 towards the end of the year I was deselected from playing the lead role in the musical play, which my class had to put up for the school leaving examinations. I was at first selected to play the lead role as “Mary” in “The Green Green Grass of Home” but when it came to the practice I was ill on one occasion, so they took me out and put Chen Wui Min in. No, I did not dislike Chen Wui Min. I was very upset, and I lost my temper on my mother. She did not know why but she left me alone without pressing me for an answer.

Class performance in secondary three ….

If I could express myself I was not vocal with my family. After all I didn’t discover them until 1967 when I was six. If you asked me how old I was when I did my “O” Levels I could tell you that my mother did it with me. Nowadays in Singapore mothers sat for the “O” Levels examination together with their children. I also sat for the “O” Levels examination as though I were a pupil in the English medium of instruction. I have two “O” Levels certificates. 

At the “A” Levels the two years in Junior College I had no more female friends. In the co-education environment I decided to make the boys from the other secondary school as friends. I never knew anyone with double Chinese words as surname before. I spent a lot of time with Andy Aw. I met him once a week at Watten Estate and we talked whilst walking the estate in circles until we were satisfied. We were an unusual couple as he was wearing grey and I was wearing beige. We were both in school uniform. At seventeen and eighteen if you wore grey uniform you were studying in the National Junior College. There was only one other third junior college with the blue uniform, which students in the Catholic Junior College were wearing. 

Chapter 48

I was living near Watten Estate now. But I have no recollection of the past. What I did with Andy Aw and what Andy Aw said to me did not come to my mind. I was good at dropping my past. All I remembered was that I went in the rain to meet with him at the Watten Estate, as I wanted to keep my promise. I was wearing a new pair of Hush Puppies my mother bought for me and it got soaking wet. 

Chapter 49

I liked coffee with condensed milk and whenever I was short of it I substituted fresh milk for it. But I also suffered from another condition called allergy. Too many dairy products gave me the allergy for hay fever. I avoided the milk the yoghurt all the ingredients for causing a running nose. I was a sickly child and my mother was slowly discovering it. If she was annoyed by it, she did not show it. 

She brought me to one doctor down the road at the Killiney Road where the doctor wanted to give me an injection. I flatly refused. My mother coaxed me into it, so the doctor had to give me the injection himself. He was most displeased. The doctor was good looking. 

I was now graduating from Nanyang Girl’s High School and I took with me several kinds of certificates, which proved that I obtained second and third places in the oratorical contests in the secondary school. I was good at making speeches in public. The prize was the certificate they issued. I did not get any sweets out of it. 

Chapter 50

Today I got a chance to meet with Mr Tan Wen See’s three daughters in secondary school. Mr Tan’s wife was glamorous. She had a younger son, and the eldest of whom was an adopted child. They were wealthy and I was often invited to go to their house after school to study with them. One of the things I learnt from her was that I should not add rice onto the bowl before it was empty. They knew quite a lot of Chinese habits which my mother did not teach me. Maybe she wanted me to learn from others. The rice bowl ought to be filled again before it was empty.

I had no preference as to which of the sisters I liked best. They were rich men’s children, my parents were working class people.

Chapter 51

I went overseas for a holiday for a second time in 1977. My mother got a sabbatical to go from the Ministry of Education. My Dad was happy about it and paid for my trip. And so, my mother and I went away happily.

We were very excited about it. It was my first year in junior college the Hwa Chong Junior College. I was the fourth batch.

I also started exploring on makeup during the time. Vanity made me looked for clothes and make-up regularly. I had plenty of trial products. Unused lipsticks and eye-shadows filled my drawers and I also used the foundation to blot my face before I applied the powder. I also used blusher to highlight. Basically I was using every product the make-up artist could invent on my face. I never thought that I was pretty enough. I told you, my idol was Seow Fong Fong. No, I never used my mother as a model. I never thought of her as being pretty. She was just my mother.

English was my second language and Economics could only be taught in English. I had a tutor Ma Lai to come to the house to teach me. So I passed and got an “A” for the subject. But I was very handicapped in the science subjects – Physics, Chemistry and I never took Biology. I had made up my mind then that Medicine was not my cup of tea.

So, my mother spoke to the college vice principal and she excused me from the sciene subjects, even though I was in the science stream CS7. All in all, I managed very well. They had General Paper the GP, a general knowledge subject. I did not read the newspapers so naturally I didn’t do so well then. I spent more time in school forum a courtyard within four pillars of the school.

I had not known Zaird then, before I left for the U.S., but I had a boyfriend at the time, who was studying in the NJC. After I came back from the states, I decided to have a final break off with him in December 1977 at a bus-stop just opposite my house in River Valley Road.

At Hwa Chong Junior College I was the only girl from the Chinese stream who mixed with a boy from the English stream. I was always doing the cross-cultural business. Zaird was the guy from the English Arts stream whom I fell in love with and eventually married. 

Chapter 52

I blamed my mother for everything that went wrong in my life. Perhaps I should stop blaming my mother now. I never seriously thought about what I should study in the university, as I had never thought about which career I wanted to pursue. I was a kid who thrived on freedom. I lived in the Chinese story books that I bought, and I identified with the characters I saw on television. I knew that this might shock you – I watched “Pride and Prejudice” about twenty times, and I asked my mother why King Edward VIII would want to abandon his throne to marry Wallis Simpson another two hundred times. Yes, it was every girl’s dream to marry a Darcy. But there was also Jane and Charles Bingley, who weren’t doing so badly. I did not realise that in the end I played Lydia – the sister who ran off with George Wickham. Never in my contemplation did I think that I would marry off to New Zealand. It was a country that never crossed my mind. Australia maybe. Was I happy in New Zealand? I was neither happy nor unhappy. The weather was good, the people were friendly and the only stress that came was perhaps the lack of density.

Chapter 53

At twenty-four I wanted to get married. I was afraid that if I did not, I would be left on the shelf and ended up being an old maid. Of course now I realised that being unmarried was nothing to be fearful about. But at twenty-three I knew not better. I was allowed to keep my own birth certificate and so I was sure that my mother married at twenty-four. My Dad was much older.

And so twenty-four became my target date of completion. I became obsessed with the idea of marriage. I put the question to my mother. There was no boyfriend available yet. None was suitable as there was none, since my Dad laid down a rule that under no circumstances must I engage in courtship during the university days. But immediately after convocation my Dad pulled me aside and told me that the next project would be to find a husband and to get married. I was furious. In law school where boyfriends were easily assessable he prohibited me. Also I had a boyfriend Zaird and we had had to conceal our relationship to both our inconvenience. 

I quickly put Zaird’s name down as a candidate for the project. So I have come to 1983.

And then 1984 came.

When Zaire came back from overseas holiday, he decided to marry me even though he had found someone in New Zealand. The girl was rather pretty and I guessed he was persuaded into marrying me by his father, since we have been together for seven years then. The thing was that he was applying for overseas study until he was ready to go. Who advised him to leave?

I love Zaird. He was not too tall, thin and wore no glasses and he was impressed with my proficiency in English. I spoke English whenever I was with him. I did not like the boys from the Chinese stream now because the minute I opened my mouth I had to speak Chinese. By then I had learnt to reject Mandarin as a spoken language. Zaird was a good listener and I had a lot to say about my parents and the way they managed things. They were an unusual couple and if I were not studying I was in their company. Their English were far too advanced for me and their topic of conversation was always the current news, which were completely remote to me. The Straits Times was always being turned from page to page so that I felt no inclination in going near it.

Zaird was my best friend. He had to go for national service and subsequently began his career as a pilot. Zaird and I went to the movies often. You named it, we saw all of the “Now Showing”. In the theatres we smooched but nothing came out of it.

Years later our daughter is born. I love her most. I abandoned all of my relatives including in-laws. I rejected each and every single person that came in the way of my daughter and I. Scientists calls it the post-natal depression, but my mother and I shortened it to “PND”. I was not depressed about my daughter being born at all. I was just depressed that I married Zaird. I felt completely tied down. During the time I breast-fed my daughter I had forgotten entirely that I needed her father to produce her.  I was angry at the maids as well, as they were intruding into the air space that was shared so sacredly with my child. I never wanted another child. One was enough I was not a greedy mother. 

My daughter is the cutest thing on earth. I love her so much and every day I went out to the shopping mall to look for things to carry on my life with her. I was no longer involved in Zaird’s affairs and in any case, I was never occupied with it. When we were childless he would bring friends home to show them how a good wife I was. Things of military interest such as books from the office were left on the coffee table without my even noticing. I was a housewife throughout my marriage with Zaird save for the one year when I worked at the Straits Times Press. 

Chapter 54 

One day whilst arranging my mother’s drawer I discovered that my parents were divorced when all the while I thought that Maybelline was my father’s mistress and cohabitating with my father. Her legal status as a lawful wife shocked me and hurt me very much. I saw with my own eyes for the first time that my father was to give my mother a thousand dollars every month as child maintenance. 

In 1988 the fifth of December, my parents were reconciled once again as they moved into a very nice house the Gallop Park. “Gallop” was to be their pride and joy. When I was young, the moment I said “因为我是你的女儿” cheered my Dad up tremendously. I was grateful to my Dad for the education he gave me. In particularly the fact that I could read and write Chinese. In my spare time I took out the 唐诗三百首 and I memorized it. They were long and laborious but that took my mind off elsewhere. It was a self-healing process. 

We were often put down, we often came across people who were rude to us. At the end of the day you must have something to come back to. My Dad had taught me always to carry a book with me around. He must have read a thousand books as he has a study full of biography and even fiction. His collection was so large that he had to engage one of his office clerks to come to Gallop to do an inventory. Banny appeared in 1997 when she came to his house to do a catalogue. 

The dream to be an actress was conveyed to my mother and she promptly engaged an ex- student of hers to talk me out of it. Yes, you guessed correctly, my mother was a teacher before she joined the Ministry of Education. In fact, both my parents were school teachers. They started their romance when their schools were jointly playing the playwright William Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet”. 

Chapter 55

Law school was another picture.

Some words in the English dictionary I did not understand, and some crucial words prevented me from understanding the entire reading material.

Such was the word “unequivocal”. In Law One I could not understand what it meant. As a result, it prevented me from understanding the law of contract altogether, at the time. Also “non-examinable”, what did it mean? “Non-examinable” or “non-exempted”? I was thoroughly confused when I was in Law School. My mind was thinking in Chinese, but I spoke English. By Law Two I had offended several of my colleagues. I used one or two relationships to help me study better but that I had also offended them in the end. Every year when term began I had to change a new set of friends.

My lecturers in law school was kind to me. They knew that I was Chinese educated since I spoke and thought in Chinese. It was true that I formed friendships easily. I simply could not remember the last encounter. Most of my brain cells had gone into processing the answer to the question:

Do you love your parents? 

And if so, which of your parent do you love more? 

Maybe they should have come back together from London. My mother said that my Dad came back first in September 1967, and that she came back in October 1967, but I remembered her to be coming back first. 

But Dad was always very kind to me.

Chapter 56

It was just pure chance. I didn’t think that my parents set out to destroy me or that they did not know how to bring me up. It was just that they were living their lives and mine happened to be side-by-side with them. 

I never had siblings or cousins and as I result I have difficulty with parallel relationships. Why not? I only met them after my character had been formed and started going to schools. I was never taught to address my parents’ friends as “Uncles” and “Aunties”. The real uncles and aunties were enemies to be finished off. 

I remembered my father telling me in his car on the way to Kirin Court for dinner “to take revenge for me when you grow up”. Now that my parents were old, I must try to be nicer to them. But the next issue arose: 

Which of my parent shall die first? I asked the question as though I have a say in the matter. Fact was that I wanted to be nicer and to spend more of my time with the one who went first. 

I saw my parents as A and B, not parents. I loved these two A and B. They were quiet funny people. In my more lucid moments I tried to make them understand me. I saw that any stranger could do a better job of understanding me than my parents. If you went to StarHub, the sales officer would know that you were buying a handphone thus the relationship of buyer and seller was established. If you picked up the phone and dialled one hundred the relationship was that of a caller and a hotline officer. Once you stepped into an eating-place you were a customer. And at a cinema you were a patron. I was still constantly trying to determine the relationship between parent and child. 

After my daughter is born it became even more confusing. As I never left her out of sight I never could understand how my mother could leave me. 

Chapter 57

Por Por gave me a crucifix at the time, after she heard that I was baptised at the Barker Road Methodist Church in 1996. After Kong Kong passed away in 1982 the Leongs made up with my parents more or less. The adults had better things to do in life and their children moved on for further studies and by that time my grandfather’s will was revealed for all to see. He gave his sons double than what he gave his daughters. In any case, little was left to me. I haven’t spoken to Upstairs for years. I did not even invite any one of them to my wedding ceremony. My mother did ask me and I said no, as it would disturb the state of equilibrium.

The process of severing my ties and moving on was my lifestyle. I couldn’t say that I liked it, but I don’t complain about the hardship. This was my life. I know that most people carry forward their relationships and any belongings that they have with them. Whereas I process, cut, and move on to a new dimension. But right now I was so alone, there was no longer any relationships to cut. 

Chapter 58

One day I went to the wardrobe that Zaird shared with me. I found that some of his clothes were disappearing. I took no notice of it. Zaird had started to stay elsewhere before and at RELC my mother and I had gone there to persuade him to come home, and after some persuasion he did. He was very upset that I was constantly losing my temper. Since the day I came home from the hospital I even lost my temper on the maid. We got along like house on fire since she joined. But after my own daughter came I cared for her and no one else. Of course it was most unreasonable and a little extreme.

Finally Zaird emptied his wardrobe. He found a new girl and she became his emotional support. I in turn became more upset and my PND took on a new turn. Instead of being an enthusiastic mother I became a scorned woman. I love my child, there was nothing wrong with spending time with her. She looked so fragile and I was afraid that some other person holding her might accidentally drop her on the floor. 

The period when I was pregnant with my daughter was the happiest time in my entire life. I was classified to be infertile and having a child was the greatest gift from God. During pregnancy I had slowly began shutting Zaird out of my life. We were married for eight years, and we lived with no one else apart from our neighbours in the estate together with our dogs. 

Chapter 59

Many people gave their children what they could not and did not get from their parents. My parents left me to go abroad, my parents took me away from my grandmother. Not that they were wrong in doing that. Parents were always better caregivers than relatives. Upstairs was only my time keeper for until my parents returned. So, I made sure that I gave my daughter her grandparents, and I never left her out of my sight for five months. The moment my daughter cried I fed her. She became a very sound girl.

The boss of Brown Woods, friend or foe?

History can be changed by overriding it with a new set of events. And it is not incorrect to say that it is easier to forgive than to forget.

Chapter 1

I wake up to the sound of my handphone ringing. My ringtone is set to “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. I look for Cooper my shaggy dog instantly. He is from New Zealand and has just turned three. As usual he is sound asleep. I know that if I wake him up because I couldn’t sleep it would annoy him, so I lie still.

This morning, I must follow Priscilla and Sebastian to the hill. It is something I dread. Afterwards they would pay for my expensive lunch, and I must deliver what they want. I have no means to eat at the Park Cameron for now. But what they really want from me I have no idea. They must have a hidden agenda. It is not just a long walk, but a strenuous one. I often get sore feet after the exercise, and my ligaments tear. If I continue with this form of torture, I believe I would get ankle dysfunction.

Priscilla is a very determined woman. If I don’t follow her to the hill, she would call me the next day to find out if I was sick. They, she, and her husband Sebastian, pick me up from the bus stop along Davis Road the main road outside my house. Sebastien drives a big black car. 

There they are I spot them, and I move up to open the car door. I climb in.

“Hi, Priscilla,” I always greet her first, follow by, “Morning, Sebastian,” they acknowledge me and continue to drive on.

I lean back, after moving their large Pooh Bear to the side. I like soft toys. Several times I resist the temptation to ask Priscilla if she would let me know where to buy the toy from. I don’t think that they would be charitable enough to ask me if I wanted to take the toy home. Why would they want to part with such a nice puppet?

“How’s work?” Priscilla asks. 

“Good,” follow by, “I feel bored on weekends, I prefer Mondays,” I reply.

They look at each other, unable to comprehend why I have said what I said.

“Hey! Too fast Sebastian!” “You are too close to the car on the right!” Priscilla yells.

I sit still without moving. I don’t want to be a back seat driver.

Later we arrive at the foot of the Peppermint Hill. I don’t know why it is called the Peppermint Hill. The name reminds me of its fragrance, and it wakes me up. I give a belated yawn. The coffee I had at home isn’t strong enough to wake me up completely. I look forward to the coffee at Park Cameron that Priscilla and Sebastian would bring me to after the walk.

Chapter 2

Priscilla opens the car, and she steps out with her Roger Vivier track shoes. I won’t call it track shoes as they are so designer. The diamond buckle stares at me, and I wish that I could own a similar pair. The 2-carat diamond ring on her finger matches the diamante on her shoes.

She wears a country club cap. White with the club logo right at the centre makes it hard not to believe that she is rich. Sebastian on the other hand is low key. He has a large navy round hat that is ill fitting. He adjusts his hat at regular intervals. I try to give him a smile, but he does not seem to notice.

I see Priscilla give him a nudge. He remembers. He takes out the water bottle, a large one, and he closes the car door. The door locks with a beep sound. 

I prepare myself for the uphill task.

“Come on, let’s go, Angelina!” Priscilla cheers.

I take a deep breath, and I tell myself it would be over soon.

The first steps are always daunting. The problem is that each step is huge, wider than the typical staircase. We need to push ourselves forward before we could make it to the next. Sebastian walks behind. He waits for us to make each step before attempting his own. I believe that his stamina is better than ours, although he is as thin as a stick.

“Call me handsome,” that is his reply the first time I address him. 

“Err, Mr Ng, Priscilla won’t object?” I speak.

“Ask her, she finds me handsome too, and that’s the way most people call me,” Sebastian turns to his wife.

“Ok, I will call you Mr H, H for handsome,” I give in.

“We had done ten,” Priscilla looks at me with satisfaction.

“Yes,” I respond, already tired. And this is just ten steps? We have another seventy-four to go. Omg!

You are right. There are eighty-four steps altogether. And the further you go, the tougher it gets. And there is no alternative path. Only one way. Up. You must reach the top before you come to the descend.

It is a no way-out situation.

Chapter 3

My relationship with Priscilla and Sebastian is also like that.

Priscilla Ng looks for me every Saturday. She rings me and reminds me that they would pick me up at the bus stop on Sunday at 9:30 a.m. 

Often, I wait, and they are late. 9:30 a.m. means 10:00 a.m. sometimes 10:15 a.m. I sit at the bus stop, and each time a black car passes by I stand up, hoping that it is Sebastian’s car. But whenever it comes nearer, I could see that it isn’t his number plate. I sigh.

I don’t pray. This is not the right venue for me to pray. Praying for my friends to turn up on time seems to me to be a rather minor petition. God does not entertain trivialities. I just must be patient. 

Ok! SKK8375B arrives. I see them. The car stops and I open the door and get in.

“Hello, Priscilla, morning Mr. H,” I greet them first. They are taking the trouble to bring me for exercise. I must be grateful. Indeed, I am.

Because Priscilla is wealthy, she speaks with an air of superiority. So, most of the time I try not to disagree with her. But there is no reason to, at the moment. As far as I could see, they are a nice couple and staunch Christians. Christians are generally kind and well meaning. Love thy neighbour – their popular teaching. 

Yes, I am about to tell you where we go after the Peppermint Walk.

Chapter 4

“Ok, we are done for today. Let’s get a quick shower at the club and then we can proceed to the 12:00 p.m. service.” Priscilla exclaims as though we have done Mount Everest. Sebastian hands her the towel. I pretend not to notice.

Why do I always forget to bring the towel?

“Come, let’s get into the car quickly, looks like it’s going to rain,” Sebastian is practical.

“Thank God it didn’t rain just now,” Priscilla says as we settle down in the car.

“And the club has shelter,” she laments.

“Oh yeah, don’t forget to remind Mary to close the windows, she always forgets,” “you call her now,” Priscilla orders Sebastian all at once. Mary is their helper.

Within seconds, “Did you hear me?” she asks.

“Yes, yes,” Sebastian answers.

I get slightly apprehensive at this moment. I am afraid that they might break into an argument. This is not the first time that Sebastian is sullen.

And I couldn’t understand why he obliges Priscilla.

In the back seat, I couldn’t see the expression on their faces. I quickly throw in a question to dilute the atmosphere. It does look like the storm is coming. Inside the car.

“Err, Priscilla, would you like to sit at the front row or the second row this week?” tentatively I ask.

“Anywhere. So long as I can see the pastor’s face. I don’t like to be blocked,”

“Yes, ok, I try and get the front row.” I quickly promise.

Chapter 5

The club is not crowded. Sundays most people are either at the market or at the church. If not, they are probably still lying in bed. I rush out of the car to help Priscilla with her tote bag, and I follow her to the counter for her to show the club staff her membership card. If I am not accompanying her, I won’t be allowed in. I try my best to keep quiet. This is not my spot. 

“You go change first, afterwards you wait here for Sebastian’s car,” “Get in the car first then I will come out,” Priscilla always gives several orders at the same time.

I am all obliging. If not because of this couple, I would never have a chance to mingle at a posh area like the Brown Turf Country Club. The community here belongs to the rich and famous. I am neither.

When Sebastian comes, I enter the car from the back. Sebastian offers, “You could sit in front if you like,” 

“No, that’s Priscilla’s seat,” I reply.

“I don’t think she minds it at all, silly girl,” Sebastian gives me a wicked smile.

Strange hearing Sebastian calling me that. I keep quiet and then I pray silently that she would come soon. This is not a trivial petition.

“Look, there she is!” Sebastian says when the woman comes with a bright red top and a colourful flare skirt. I couldn’t help but think that she is too old for that. Yes, Priscilla is born in 1955, so she is sixty-two this year. 

“Hi Priscilla, when is your birthday?” I ask.

“Not so soon, but if you want to know, it is Christmas Eve.”

“Christmas Eve!” I exclaim. 

All the while Sebastian is looking straight ahead. His mind is on the steering wheel, and he is driving very slowly.

“Step on the accelerator, dear, you need to drive faster, we are getting late,” Priscilla orders again.

“We are not going anywhere with an appointment now.” Sebastian says.

I feel tense again, the two of them on the verge of an argument. Nonetheless, I sit still, as silent as a church mouse. In my mind, I am humming the music, “Uptown girl, she’s been living in an uptown world ….”

Chapter 6

The Blue Heaven Church is situated right in the middle of the Paddington Road. You would expect parishioners to drop by even on a weekday after their shopping spree. I often get the funny feeling that the owners of the nearby boutiques visit the church to get blessings for more customers.

We arrive. And we are late. Sebastian drops us at the entrance, and I rush out of the car, ahead of Priscilla. The church pews are mostly occupied by now. I walk, gingerly, right up to the front. The first few pews are usually vacant, as most parishioners does not like to be sitting right below the camera. There are CCTVs everywhere in case there are genuine pick pockets. 

I find myself a seat amongst a group of young students. They look seventeen or eighteen to me. And then I move myself a little to the left to give some space for Priscilla when she turns up. I place my handbag on the right to signal to the student next to me that he ought to give way. Priscilla is my VIP as far as the session is concerned. If not because of she I won’t find myself here.

Almost immediately, I hear the deliberate and well-paced footsteps of Priscilla. I never miss those steps. Her pumps are usually a Salvatore Ferragamo. Otherwise, it would be a pair of Roger Vivier. Whichever, it is always a thin four-inch heel. I marvel at her being able to balance herself in that footwear. 

I wave at the woman. She acknowledges as she walks down the aisle. Once she arrives, I move aside for her. 

“Oh, you managed to get front seats. Good of you!” Priscilla sits down without forgetting to say thank you to the neighbours. My mission is accomplished, and I begin to pay attention to the pastor.

Pastor Lucas Ling is a grey-haired man with a benign smile. His delivery is always punctuated with a note of caution. I am told that he is legally trained, and perhaps that is why I quite enjoy his sermons. He is also rather good looking if I may say so. I do research and finds that pastors are allowed to get married and have his own family.

Priscilla nudges me. “Pay attention, Angelina!” 

“I am!” I turn.

And then without further ado, Priscilla takes out her large bag, which now I could see is a cosmetic bag – inside is a mirror as you flip open and the box contains cosmetics of all sorts, from eye shadow, eye liner, rouge, powder, foundation, right up to lipsticks in several shades. I could have fainted. But instead of which I say, “Wow! What an assortment of makeup! Very nice!” 

Upon which, she starts to take out one of the brushes inside and starts to apply make up on her face, using the prop up mirror as an aid.  All done in full view of the parishioners.

Priscilla is my mentor, of course I don’t criticize her. If Pastor Lucas notices it he is not reacting.

I observe this and conclude that this is acceptable behaviour. I guess there are no church rules pertaining to the habit. 

And then when it is time to sing the adoration songs, Priscilla closes the box. She stands up together with the rest of us, four-inches taller than me with her heals.

We have no idea where Sebastian has gone to.

Chapter 7

I have always loved cakes. Mother buys me strawberry shortcakes and I never waste a moment in relishing it. Moments later I would take a coffee to wash out the added calories so that it does not work against my body.

“Let’s go to the Park Cameron after this, shall we?” Priscilla is in a good mood this Sunday morning. Pastor Lucas Ling must have given her some ideas on how to invest her money during his sermon, although I don’t know how this could have happened.

Sebastian looks at me, waiting for my acquiesce. 

“Sounds good,” I say.

“Then let’s go!” the dutiful husband says. 

We get into the car and this time Sebastian suggests that Priscilla drives.

“No, dear, you drive better than me, you carry on,” Priscilla praises her man.

All this I watch and participate as a follower without any interest in the matter. I am just grateful that Priscilla does not suggest that I invest in one of her schemes.

Now in the car, Sebastian plays one of his Christian DVDs – “As the deer panteth for the water, So my soul longeth after Thee, ….” 

It is the same song being played during the service. Haven’t they had enough of it?

At this point in time, I feel I owe it to tell you if I am a Christian. Yes, I generally believe in the existence of God …. but err …. no, I don’t think that the Christian God is superior to the Gods found in other religions. As I said before, God is omnipotent and omnipresent and could be found on all platforms.

But I treasure the friendship that Priscilla and Sebastian have to offer. Not to mention that I am getting fitter by the day from the Peppermint Walk.

Mother tells me that I have lost weight recently.

Chapter 8

My mother is a thin frail woman who found me this job at the Brown Woods. They pay me a monthly salary of two-thousand-eight hundred and I report to them every morning at 8:30 a.m. except Saturday and Sunday. I could leave my chair only at 6:00 p.m. Lunch I have to eat in, so that I could pick up phone calls for emergency. 

The scope and nature of my work is not well defined. Basically, I do everything that I am told to do – from picking up the mails and delivering them to the respective desks, making coffee for the guests, compiling notes for the meeting, right down to making sure that the cleaners provide regular water refill for the office.

The only thing I am told not to do is to go into Mr. Sam’s office, not even when his door is open.

Mr. Sam is the regional head for this company. I am told that he is Chinese and rather good looking. He does not smile, and he would not greet you even if you chance on him at the lift lobby. I have not encountered him so far. 

The only thing I hear of Mr. Sam is that he is a widow with a daughter. And that he is looking for a suitable son-in-law for his daughter right now. That means that Mr. Sam is about my age. 

Chapter 9

No one in the office knows that I do the Peppermint Walk every Sunday, and no one knows that I go to church either. I don’t hang a cross on my neck and neither do I own a Bible. In fact, Priscilla has mentioned several times before that I should purchase one. I am not awfully short of cash, but it is not an essential book for a non-Christian. I still prefer the thrillers and suspense like “Call Me Mummy”. The Bible is far too profound for me. 

I do not enjoy the hill walk. What I enjoy is the sense of accomplishment after the walk, and that is why I do that every week without fail. We are in our summer season now, and the sky hardly ever rains. So that there is no excuse to skip the walk.

This week, Priscilla is in long pants. Her clothes I could see is well tailored and most of the time I suspect it needs dry cleaning. I have never been to the dry cleaners before. Mother does not have curtains in our house.

I am always eager to learn new things and try out on new experiences. I know that one day I would be tired of the hill walk, and of Priscilla and Sebastian altogether. They are a happily married couple, and they could do very well without me. I know that they have children of their own, but they have never mentioned them either to me or in front of me.

Back to Priscilla. She wears a white loose-fitting shirt, with her long black pants and a pair of black Salvatore Ferragamo shoes she looks totally stunning. Oh yes, I did a check, it is called the viva bow shoes. Very iconic but not quite suitable for a church mouse like me. I am only there as a chaperon for the expensive high-class Priscilla.

But I bear no grudges against the lady. Why. She has never been rude or nasty towards me, and the only thing I don’t like about her is the way she seems to be ordering her husband about. Although I know that it is none of my business. I am only there from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m., that is provided it does not prolong into tea.  

Afterwards, I would go home, and I continue with my humble existence. 

Chapter 10

Most of my friends at this age are housewives either married or having children to attend to at this age. 

I am working because I am divorced.

I have a son by the name of Jonathan. His Chinese name is Fei Kian, so I call him JKF. I have not seen his father Keith for almost seven years by now.

The salary I earn at Brown Woods are insufficient to cover my expenses on JKF’s childcare needs, as well as my basic expenditure. My initial savings I have spent it all on the legal fees for fighting custody. Keith tried to say that I was immoral and unfit to be a mother.

Chapter 11

By the way, I notice a booth at the church the other day. They call it a counselling corner and it seems to be set up haphazardly. Protestant churches don’t normally deal with confessions, and the booth being set up is a stand-alone cubicle at a faraway corner behind the piano. If you don’t pay enough attention, you would think that it is just a desk and two chairs for coffee. 

So that I find a suitable time and come back again, on a weekday after my work. I want to know why Priscilla and Sebastian have chosen me to be their companion for the Peppermint Walk. For after all, they do have to make an effort to come and fetch me from the Davis Road, which is out of the way. 

I find pastor Lucas Ling sitting at the booth, as though he knows that I am coming.

Pastor sees me approaching and he turns and lights a candle behind him.

I look at the flame, my mind a flutter.

“Let me begin, are you here to make enquiry on a lost soul, or are you here to seek forgiveness?”

“Neither, I want to read my friend’s heart,” I say.

“Why do you need to do that? If you have any queries, it best to address them yourself, this sounds rather insincere if I may say so,” Pastor Ling tells me.

“No, pastor, you don’t understand, I want to know why they befriend me,” I ask, this time more forcefully.

“Ok, then let me just pray for you, to ask the Almighty to give you the power of wisdom and discernment,” and then he places his hand on top of his Bible and starts to recite a few lines, presumably from the Book, ending with “Amen.” It is so smooth that I know that he must have said this to many parishioners. 

With this, I am more than happy, so I thank the man with several thank yous and leave him. 

Chapter 12

It is barely a week and I pick up a call from Priscilla.

“Listen, do you want to go out? I have a friend I want to introduce you to,” she sounds excited.

“Oh, what time?” I ask, I am not keen on meeting the couple more than once a week. I’d rather stay home and watch Jonathan play Lego.

“I come and pick you up in half an hours’ time, is it enough time for you to get ready?” the woman already has plans.

I look at mother and she urge me to go.

“The usual meeting place?” I ask.

“Yes, don’t be late, we can’t wait, otherwise we have to go for another big round,” Priscilla orders.

The car arrives with Priscilla driving alone.

I get in, and I ask, “Where’s Mr. H?” 

“Oh, he has got a meeting,” the woman is ambiguous.

“Where are we meeting your friend?” I ask.

“Not at the church,” she says.

“Oh ok,” I trust Priscilla, she has no reason to do me harm.

We arrive at the Park Cameron. This hotel seems to be her favourite joint.

The man sitting at the far-right corner stands up to greet Priscilla the minute the waiter greets us.

I must say that my first impression of him is not particularly good. He resembles Keith. I follow the waiter to his table, and after pleasantries exchange between he and Priscilla, he smiles at me and says,

“How nice to meet you, Angelina,”

“Yes, thank you,” I don’t get what Priscilla addresses him as just now.

I take the seat opposite him and face the window.

“Would you like coffee or tea?” the man asks.

“Coffee,” I am still half asleep.

“Let me get straight to the point,” Priscilla begins,

“David and I have a job for you,” 

“Oh,” I am more than surprised. I think that David is a marriage prospect. Immediately I look at his hand. No rings.

“I already have a job,” I say, and then I add, “At the Brown Woods, you know Brown Woods?” I don’t like job hopping. I still haven’t figured out how my boss Mr. Sam looks like.

“I can pay you more, how much are you getting now?” David asks.

“David is looking for bilingual talents like you, to do translation,” Priscilla recommends me.

“I am not very good at it,” I confess.

“No problem, can you leave immediately?” David asks.

“I need to give two weeks’ notice,” I say.

“Ok Angelina, you could send a text to this lady, and tell her that you will be meeting her at the airport to pick her up on Christmas Eve, her flight comes in at 12:15 a.m. From there, you are to check her in at the Pamela Suite at the Concerto Hotel.” 

The man gives instructions all at one go with the number and name of the lady on a piece of paper, while Priscilla looks on.

“Is this my first assignment?” I ask innocently.

“Take this one step at a time,” David Lim said.

Without asking him who the recipient is, I type on my handphone and tap the send key.

“It’s settled then,” “Cheers!” Priscilla is happy. 

They exchange glances and then Priscilla and he talk business. I sit there desperately trying to look interested.

I go home and ponder on what I do today, and then I know that I have made a commitment which I can’t back out from. Priscilla knows where to find me, and if I back out on the job offer from David, I will have to abandon the Peppermint Walk altogether, which is not something I can afford now.

Chapter 13

For every action there is a reaction.

Don’t tell me that the office has gotten wind of the fact that I have accepted an offer from another company.

The atmosphere is somber in Brown Woods as I step in. Everyone buries his head in the PC in front of them. I settle myself tentatively, as though it is my first day at work.

“Can I pick up my coffee first?” I ask Swee Kim so that she would answer my calls whilst I am away.

Swee Kim nods her head without looking up.

I am beginning to suspect that David has initiated steps to engage me by telling Brown Woods that he has interviewed me.

I get up, take my mug and I walk towards the coffee dispenser. I pull the lever, and thank God there was still some liquid left.

When I go back to my table, the admin head Josephine Tan is waiting for me. We call her Jot for Jo Tan and also because she has the habit of jotting down everything that we say on the spot. 

“Here is a memo, you take it to the Philippine Embassy. I give you a copy as well. Don’t lose the original,” she says it in a hurry, as though she has a million more jobs to be done. I take over the paper, and I ask her,

“Do I have to go now?”

“Yes, it’s important and, yes, you have to go now immediately,”

“I have no time to talk to you now, just look at the memo,”   

I take over the paper and stares at it –

“To Mr. Sam Wee:

You are hereby requested to come to this Embassy of The Philippines for an interview at 11:00 a.m. on 4 January 1999. Please bring along your identification paper(s) for verification. You may also nominate a proxy to attend on your behalf.

[Signed]”

The tone of the note is grave, and undoubtedly Mr. Sam is in trouble. I have not met Mr. Sam before, and this would be the chance to meet him, I dance at the opportunity.

“Sure!” I say it with glee, something good has happened to me.

“Do I need to apply for leave?” I ask Jot.

“Of course not, this is part of your duty,” and then she adds, “We will pay you extra, if need be,”

“Ok, I go now!” I say, picking up my bag and the cardigan I hang on the back of my chair.

“Report back to me when you come back,” Jot says, and then, “Don’t forget to get receipts to claim expenditure.” 

My bag is a Gucci bag that day, and my shoes are plain a non-designer not too ostentatious for a consular meeting.

Thirty minutes later I arrive at 34 Canberra Road. The building is old and needs a coat of paint badly. Two lamps stand at the front entrance on top of a large structure to mark the entry. There is a kiosk for the security, but I get the impression that he is too tired and went in to rest. The Philippine flag is flying right in the middle of the courtyard and the wind was particularly strong that day. I look up and couldn’t help making a short prayer, even though I don’t know what I am praying for.

I take a bold step further into the grounds. And then I see the words, “Consular Section”. Then I look at my watch to check if I am late for the appointment. 

10:43 a.m. Thank God I am early. 

I take my place amongst the group of mostly foreign visitors, and I make sure that I know where each counter is when my number is called. 

Finally, I see my queue number being flashed on the screen – 687. I rush forward, to counter six.

“Can I help you?” The girl is most unenthusiastic.

“Err, yes, I have an appointment, on behalf of Mr. Sam Wee,” I say.

“My office sent me,” I volunteer.

“Show me the ticket,” woman says.

Obediently I give her my queue ticket.

“No, not this one, the other one,” she points at my memo.

I fumble for the copy and withhold the original.

“Where is the original?” she asks.

It is time to lie, “No, I didn’t bring the original,” 

“Then why you come here?” I can see that she is getting annoyed.

“To see what I can do for Mr. Sam Wee …. Err …. to find out the purpose of you calling for the meeting,” I try to make out some logic.

“Ok, then let me tell you, his helper Ms. Lottie was found dead in a shopping centre, yesterday Sunday morning at around 10:45 a.m. We don’t suspect foul play now because she was alone. But we would like to know if it were a suicide,” the woman says it all in one go, as though she is delivering a report. 

As she is talking, I have the chance to take a good look at her. She is very heavily made up, with several layers of eye shadow of blue, green, and brown, as though she couldn’t decide on which colour to use. Her lips are large, but I couldn’t decide if it she has overdrawn her lips with the lipstick. Nonetheless, I give her a rating of seven out of ten for good looks.

“I have not seen the police report,” I say. 

“Ok, your office didn’t tell you, let me show it to you,” she says.

And then she passes me a piece of paper with the letterhead of the police force. There and then I decide to be honest with her. I fish out the original of the memo, and I say,

“Sorry I didn’t show it to you just now,”

“You could have done it earlier,” she looks visibly annoyed.

“Employment letter?” she asks.

“I am not Ms. Lottie,” I say.

“No, you are his office staff, right?” woman asks.

“Oh, that, I didn’t bring,” this time it is the truth.

“You don’t seem to be very well prepared,” she comments.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I was only told to come this morning,” I try to defend myself.

“Right,” “off you go,” she says, after confiscating my original memo.

“Hey! Wait! I need to bring it back!” I say loudly.

“690” the woman shouts.

A man comes up and moves me aside. I go away feeling wretched. Jot specifically tells me to keep the original.

Chapter 14

With a jittery heart I went back to the office. No one is there at the reception, so I just walk straight to my desk to put my bag and cardigan down. Afterwards I compose myself and go up to see Jot. Jot is on the second floor.

“Hi Jot, I am back!” I say, greeting her with a smile. This is to tell her that I have done my job. 

“Oh, what did they say?” she seems disinterested.

“Err …., they took the original,” I say.

“Oh, that means that they don’t expect Sam to attend,” Jot doesn’t seem perturbed.

“I made them acknowledge receipt on my copy,” I am a careful worker.

“Ok great! I will pass the copy to Sam,” Jot takes over the piece of paper.

I sense that it is time for me to leave, so I walk towards the door and close it behind me, and then I take the liberty to use the second-floor toilet. I have always wanted to know how they decorate this toilet.

Three minutes later I am back at my desk.

Chapter 15

The next morning, I pick up the newspapers still in my pyjamas. No news on my boss. But when I arrive at the office, Jot is there waiting for me. She stands up from my chair and tells me,

“Can you go to Sam’s house today?” 

“Of course, I could,” I am just too happy to be able to see what my boss’s house is like.

“It is not far away, within walking distance. And did you claim for transport yesterday?” Jot reminds me.

That is least important to me now. Nonetheless I say, “Yes, I shall,” and then I wait for her to give me Mr. Sam’s address.

Mr. Sam’s house is large by any standards. I try to memorize the number plate at the entrance.

After several attempts to disentangle myself from the large Alsatian dog, I manage to follow the helper into the house.

The design of the interior is not at all like the office. It has a Balinese flavour, with fresh flowers arranged in a jar on top of rectangular glass piece. It was evident that the owner of the house has lived in an English Equestrian home before. I look at the paintings hung on the wall, and I decide that I must find out the name of the artist before I leave the house.

“Ms. Lottie used to work here?” I ask tentatively, just to show that I had knowledge of the news. 

“Yes, Umm …. ma’am, …. But she …. she ….” the rather plump looking woman says, presumably the helper.

“Not to worry, I am here to help you,” Jot doesn’t tell me what I am supposed to do in Mr. Sam’s house.

“Please go to her room with me,” she says, a little hesitant.

Common sense tells me that the deceased’s property must be sent back to her family in her home country.

“Ok, let me help you pack her belongings,” I offer.

The woman leads me through a large dining hall and turns left into a living room before moving into an area with a garden. And then at the end of the garden she opens a door without a lock.

“This her room?” I ask.

“Yes, ma’am, I didn’t go in since yesterday, I was cleaning the pool with the gardener. And then, the call from the police came.” 

“Oh ok, you have some luggage?” I get down to business.

She steps in and pulls out a piece of luggage from the bottom of the bed.

I am efficient. Business is the call of the day. “Stay here.” I order the woman.

And then I open the luggage, without so much as looking at the items scattering all over the small room, I pick up everything that I could lay hands on, and I chuck them into the luggage. I am lucky that everything fits in.

“You got a padlock?” once I finish, I ask her.

“Yes, I think it’s here,” she pulls out a drawer from the side table, the only other piece of furniture in the room. 

I lock the luggage and then I grab it, dragging it out of the room. I place it outside the door, and I tell the plump woman to help me bring it to the car. All this while I assume that my task today is to bring the late woman Ms. Lottie’s belongings back to Brown Woods to bring it to The Embassy of the Philippines. 

I haven’t done estate before, and this is the first time I am doing it. It can’t be complicated, I tell myself. 

The helper watches me in silence, and she helps me carry the luggage into the car before closing the car door for me. I am satisfied that my mission has been accomplished without fuss.

Once back at the office, I look for Jot. 

The luggage is heavy, and I could barely carry it to my desk. All the other staff in the office stare at me, but none of them come up to help me. But I am not giving up. This is my job for now – to settle my boss Mr. Sam’s affairs for him. 

Maybe he slept with Ms. Lottie and wanted to end the affair, which caused her to take her own life?

My mind suddenly starts to work. I have always loved mysteries and thrillers. The affair is the action that caused this reaction of suicide. This must be it! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Chapter 16

I am not a P.I., neither have I worked in the police force, but I have read enough Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christies to know that something is amiss in the entire situation. First, why did the office tell me to keep the original, and then the embassy takes away the document. And now, no one in the office wants to take responsibility for the matter.

I need to talk to someone about this. 

Some other third party who has no association with Brown Woods and who would not carry tales to the office. Yes, Priscilla and Sebastian are the best persons. I don’t even have to make an appointment; we automatically meet on Sundays.

But this Saturday Priscilla do not call me. I wait until 10:45 p.m. when I am sure that she won’t call, I log off from all my digital devices and switch off the lights. 

The next morning, I wake up at 8:45 a.m. and I jump out of bed immediately, until mother speaks to me at the front door,

“Where are you going?” she asks. 

Oh yeah! Priscilla didn’t call!

I sit down on the sofa, deflated. My day has no purpose now. But that since I have changed and is all ready to go out, I decide to go somewhere for breakfast. I am tired of eating mother’s scrambled eggs. Today is a holiday for me! I don’t have to go for the Peppermint Walk!

“Sorry I can’t have breakfast with you, mom,” I say.

“Where are you off to?” Mother shouts after me. But I am already outside the front door.

“Take me to the Park Cameron,” I tell the taxi driver. I decide to pay for my own breakfast.

Not a word is exchanged between me and the driver, and I allow the valet to open the car door for me. Likewise, he ushers me into the hotel without another word. I hurry into the coffee house and find a seat next to a man, and I leave my bag by the side to go up to the buffet table to collect my food.

The assortment is fantastic. I must choose between orange juice, grapefruit juice, apple juice, watermelon juice, and tomato juice. For bread, I must choose between white bread, brown bread, Rye bread, Pita bread, etc. For toppings I must choose between bacon, corned beef, ham, sausages, …. There is also porridge with radish, chicken floss, salted fish, and real fish slices ….  for toppings. And then there is also French toast, and salad with multiple toppings …. all of which I couldn’t name. 

The cook is there to prepare omeletts. He folds around our omeletts, and we are to tell him which fillings we want. The ingredients are all neatly lay out in small trays.

“Which of these do you want?” He says whilst pointing to the chives, vegetables, mushrooms, ham and bacon, capsicum green and red, onions, etc. while grilling an omelett for another guest.

“All of them,” I say. I couldn’t decide which to leave out. And in any case, it is the same price for one topping or all. It is a and/or situation. I am not greedy for food. I am just lazy to use my brains.

He breaks two eggs with one hand into a bowl and beat them up. Afterwards he throws them into his hot frying pan, pushes the yellow mixture around the pan, and then flips them several times, before adding the toppings one at a time, until the yellow mixture becomes a pocket. I marvel at his skill.

“There you go,” he places the omelett on a plate and hands it to me.

“Thank you,” I smile at him and is immediately satisfied.

I rush back to my table, ready to devour the hot pipping cuisine. Just as I am getting my first bite, a man comes up to me,

“Hello, this your bag?” He holds it high up for me to see.

Omg! I left my bag behind! 

I snatch the bag from the man. 

“Hey! Don’t you think you ought to say thank you?” He isn’t satisfied when I thought he would walk away.

“Oh, ok, thank you,” I respond.

“Would you like to check that nothing is missing before I walk away?” He orders people around, like Priscilla.

Why should I listen to him? I want my omelett!

As though reading my thoughts, he continues,

“The omelett is nice, isn’t it?”

This man is annoying! 

“Ok, sir, thank you so much again, I am sure that you didn’t take anything from my bag, may I have your name before I proceed to check?”

“My name is Samuel,” he sounds confident as he mentions.

Samuel as in Sam!

I almost fall from the chair, except that I am sitting at the corner table. My pulse quickens, and I rush to stand up, dropping my napkin on the floor.

“Err, my bag is a cheap bag, there is nothing inside except my MRT card, my wallet with only two hundred dollars, my house keys, and then my lipstick, … that’s all …” and then, “nothing that a rich man like you would want to take,”

“How do you know that I am rich?” he asks.

“Oh, I have seen your paintings, you like horses, don’t you?” I reply, I want to show that I am credible. I don’t say things out of the blue for no reason at all. And I always state the facts.

“And you killed your helper!” I carried on talking.

Justice must be done!

“What helper? My helper had already left,” Samuel replies.

“She killed herself, I know, and all because of you!” I begin to get agitated.

“Since when?” by now the man is smiling.

“Your office told me,” I must give him the grounds to substantiate myself.

“I don’t think so,” the man becomes quite triumphant now.

“How did you gain entry into my office as well?” He begins to question me.

“I am a member of your staff, Mr. Sam!!!” I was beginning to raise my voice.

“Any evidence to show me?” He isn’t easily fooled.

By now I am desperate. On a weekend there is no reason for me to carry my office ID card. I always leave it at home in my Gucci handbag, and this morning I come out with the exercise bag which I always carry as though I am going for the Peppermint Walk.

“This is ridiculous!” I tell myself. I don’t know him in the first place, he takes my bag without asking me, and then now he wants me to show proof on where I work. 

Without further ado, I walk out of the coffee house, leaving my delightful and delicious omelett behind.

Out in the hotel entrance, the valet again opens the car door without a word. The taxi driver tries to ask me if I want to turn right or make a left turn, I am so distressed I merely say, 

“You are the driver you ought to know,” and then I begin to check my bag, something which I should have done when the suspect was around.

Chapter 17

Mother is waiting for me at the living room the moment I get back.

“Why didn’t you go for the walk?” she asks.

“Oh, they didn’t ask me,” merrily I say, although I have had a scare just now.

“They came here looking for you,” mother says.

“Oh? Priscilla? What did you tell them?” I am hoping that mother didn’t tell them that I went to her hotel without her.

“She said she rang and couldn’t get a response from you,” mother is getting upset with me.

Chapter 18

I must report this to someone. Someone in authority who would take over this matter from my hands, someone who would take the culprit to task, and relieve me from all this analysis, and fact-finding. I want to end this speculation on my part. I begin searching in my head for a good, honourable, and reliable person. That person must also believe what I say to him.

Finally, the answer comes. 

It is none other than the pastor at the church room whom I have spoken to the other day.

I jot the encounter on a piece of paper, and I make a short prayer before I put on a nice navy frock. The navy dress is slightly off-shoulder, but I don’t think that the pastor would mind. I also take the trouble to apply two layers of lipsticks and wear my usual Miss Dior.

The counselling session I book online is on Friday night. I tell myself that after work I will go straight to see pastor. The church sanctuary is closed by the time I go there and there is a piece of paper with a note stuck on the wooden door – 

“Kindly be advised that church service has now ended for the day. For counselling sessions, you are directed to the enclosure at the rear end beside the fountain.”

I wait patiently, all the while rehearsing what I have to say. Finally, a man opens the door.

“What can I do for you, my child?” a different pastor, no longer Pastor Lucas Ling. He is not wearing church attire but a black shirt with a pair of denim jeans. 

“Wait! Before I begin, are you a pastor?” I demand.

“But of course, else I won’t be here,” he turns and light a candle behind him.

I decide to take this man into confidence. Although his rugged look disqualifies him from a pastor ab initio. He ought to be a seaman or at least a pirate. 

“I am not sure, but this is something important. And I am not sure if I am accurate in saying that a murder has taken place ….” I start, with a kind of uncertainty in my tone of voice, as though I can’t believe what I am saying.

“Before you begin, I need you to sign this declaration form,” the man hands me a piece of paper. 

On it is a statement which permitted him to release the information I give him to the relevant authorities if it is found to be illegal or unlawful.

“What if it was merely immoral?” I ask.

Mr. Sam didn’t kill Ms. Lottie. He merely ditched her, and she killed herself.

“Then you would need to ask God for forgiveness,” he says.

“But this is an immoral act committed by someone else,” I quickly absolve myself from guilt,” and then I add,

“Although, I am not sure if it was criminal.”

“Ok, then let’s hear it!” the man sounds unusually cheerful.

“The company that I work for … I think my boss has killed his helper,” I begin my story.

“What makes you think so?” he seems to be interested now, and at the same time he takes out a piece of paper.

“Err, … it’s a long story,” my thoughts begin to fracture. Is this criminal?

I stand up, decide to leave. 

“Why?” the man suddenly grabs hold of my arm, in order to stop me from leaving, “What do you think you are doing?” he asks.

“MOLEST!” I begin to raise my voice, not shouting.

“I have turned the CCTV off, and the entrance and exit to this hall is closed, you can shout for all I care,” the man says.

I look at this man, now it seems clear to me that he is an imposter. And I notice that he has a scar on his neck by the side of his chin. It is not a very long line, and a little faint perhaps due to the passage of time. Otherwise, I would say that he is quite handsome.

There is a clock on the wall. I could see the second hand ticking away. In no time the counselling centre would be closed, and no one would be able to rescue me from this predicament.

So, I pretend to be interested in his affairs, “How did you get this scar?” I speak.

“You really don’t remember, do you?” the man’s eyes narrow, emitting a hateful blaze, as though he is going to consume me.

“For heaven’s sake, this is the first time I am meeting you, sir!” I decide to call him sir instead of pastor, since he is an imposter.

“We were school mates in junior high school, then you left without saying a word,” he begins to talk.

“Did I say I was going to meet you? After graduation it would be natural for us to part ways, I should think,” I try to reason with him.

“Yes, for everyone else, but not you and I,” his voice deep and hollow, with a strange kind of resonance.

“Ok, but really, what was your name?” I pursue the trend of thought.

“Oh, you even forgot my name!” now the man looks visibly upset.

“Listen, pastor, or whatever name you might want to call yourself now. My name is Angelina Chan, and I am here to do counselling. If you let me out now, I promise I won’t breathe a word to anybody.”

“Ok, but do you remember me?” he softens.

“Ahh, I remember now, you the one that plays the guitar?” I say, with a kind of affirmation that even I couldn’t believe it.

“Exactly!!” the man beams.

I hit at the jackpot!

“Ok, can I come back and do this another day, say next Tuesday?”

“No, Tuesday I have another session, how about next Monday?” he checks his handphone calendar.

I am getting there, I am close to it, I take one step away from him, nearer towards the door, my thoughts racing ….

And then suddenly it clicked!!!

Yes, he is Wee Soon Seng! The guy who sat at the last chair on the second row. We used to make fun of him and called him, “we will soon be able to sing”.

And then …. And then …. Omg! I forget the rest. What happened? Did we date? Did we exchange farewell gifts? Have I ever been to his house?

“Ok, see you on Monday then!” Pastor, no, Mr. Wee says. This man is satisfied. He gives me a broad smile and he uses his remote control to open the door. The door fling opens, and I tiptoe to the exit when in fact all I want to do is to run out.

“See you ….” I say, if I say Goodbye he might come after me.

Chapter 19

Back in the safe confines of my home, I do not relate this misadventure to mother, and frankly mother couldn’t help me either. 

Neither do I confide in Priscilla and Sebastian on Sunday during Peppermint Walk.

I go to work as usual, remembering that Ms. Lottie’s luggage is still at my desk. 

But when I go to my desk, there is no luggage. I panic and curse myself for having left it there, “How could you trust the office staff?!” 

I begin to ask around. No one pays any attention to me.

And then Jot comes up to me. Jot is the only friendly soul in this office, she always helps me whenever I am in trouble.

“I brought Ms. Lottie’s belongings back …. in some luggage …. but the luggage had disappeared,” I could have cried.

“Oh?” Jot looks genuinely surprised.

“Mr. Sam would like to see you, in his office,” Jot mentions.

“Now?” I am shocked.

“Yes, now,” Jot says.

Immediately I head towards his office. And I drop by the toilet to refresh the powder on my face and touch up on my lipstick. I must look my best. I make sure that I put on a good makeup. I examine myself again and see that I am wearing a cream-coloured dress and a pair of high heels, the whole attire suitable for such a meeting. And then I sprayed Miss Dior on my wrist.

Chapter 20

I have no difficulty finding the boss’s room. His name is neatly written on his door, the words embossed in gold. I raise my scented hand.

Knock, knock, I hold the doorknob at the same time.

No sound from inside. I wait five seconds before I attempt again. 

Knock, knock, I tap.

Finally, I pluck up the courage to open the door.

The door is kind of heavy, I must use some force to push it open, what on earth ….

Inside is a large desk, a man is sitting there on a highchair, he seems to be busy reading some papers. Beside his table is a blooming palm, on top is a large painting of a woman on horseback.

Finally, the man decides to put down his newspapers and breaks the silence.

I see him, my boss, the boss of Brown Woods.

Mr. Sam is none other than Wee Soon Seng!

And he is not the man Samuel at the Park Cameron coffee house! I have assumed that Samuel was Sam!

“We said we were going to meet on Monday, right?” he asks, gentle and reassuring, unlike the man who calls himself pastor the other night.

“Yes,” I begin to like him now. I have confirmed that this is my childhood friend. They call it the puppy love. Is he my first boyfriend? I have no idea. But in any case, he could do me no harm. We are playmates.

“Oh yes, Jot told me you went to my house the other day, was it Thursday or Friday?” he looks a little unsure.

“Friday.” I confirm.

“And you took some things from my helper’s room,” he says.

“Yes,” I have no reason to lie, I want to know where the luggage has gone to.

“Ok, here is a memo from the police, you look at it yourself,” he slit opens an envelope and passes me the letter inside –

“To Ms. Angelina Chan:

You are hereby charged with the murder of Ms. Lottie Del Rosario, a Philippines National, on the eve of Christmas 24 December 1998 at 2:00 a.m., thereafter disposing of her belongings in an unknown neighbourhood ……”

Sweat begin running down from my forehead, I could almost taste the salt concentration.

“Why did you frame me?” I yell; I could not contain myself. 

“Why didn’t you go to the airport on the 24th of December 1978? You know how long I waited? Do you know how hard it is for me to forget you?!” Sam Wee asks.

Twenty years! It has been twenty years!!!

I wish I could plead dementia.